::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Remember when

I often get on here because I feel inspired & I want to write about stuff.  But a lot of times I never finish what I've started.  But tonight the song "Remember When" came on my spotify, have you ever heard it?  I have an awful habit of listening to the same song over and over (& over) again, until I become sick of it.  "Remember When" is a song I listened to over and over again when Colum was still alive, towards the end of his life.  There aren't a ton of memories I have of that time, for it was only a mere 18 months. 

I want to write down a few things that have happened since I wrote on here last. 

I recently waxed an Occupational Therapist.  I can only assume this, but I think she was a bit surprised that I actually knew what an Occupational Therapist was when she told me what her profession was.  We carried on for quite awhile actually before we found the strong connection we had in common.  First off she has twin daughters, my triplet daughter's age.  It's always a crazy connection to share with other Mom's; multiples are something you have to truly experience to truly understand.  I always love meeting Mom's of multiples because we can genuinely bond spontaneously without much else.  Then I asked where she worked and she said the U... that's our hospital.  I then immediately asked if she knew Darcy; our Darcy. 

She almost jumped and cried intermittently.  "You're Kelly Pack!", she shouted, "I can't believe your name didn't click until now".  We both had heavy tears welling up in our eyes.  It turned out that she actually hired Darcy.  Who is Darcy you ask?  Darcy was both Ryan and I's OT while we were in rehab.  We both had many great people taking care of us while we were recovering, but there was just something about Darcy you guys (insert crying emoji). 

Darcy, has a bright light.  She just can't help it.  Darcy was always happy.  She was always happy despite working in such a depressing place such as rehab.  Darcy would observe her patients all while maintaining a broad smile sprawling a crossed her face.  She'd observe what our needs were and then she'd go the extra mile... always.  She'd go home after work and sew little Velcro contraptions for Ryan and myself so we could do simple things like brush our teeth.  She'd sew little straps we could wrap around our broken hands so we could strap a fork in and even feed ourselves.  She drove down to our old house in American Fork so she could scope out the place (Idk if this is normal or not for an OT) and told our family and friends the crucial things we needed in order to be able to learn to live independently, such as commodes, wheelchair ramps, and shower chairs.  She would contact companies and try and get us the best deals on all our handicap essentials.  She gave us a gameplan and in that game plan, she gave us hope.  Darcy, will forever be my friend.  Darcy loved us. 
Darcy has the brightest light out of anyone in that entire hospital.  Darcy possesses magical powers that span from her positivity.  Darcy is a fairy.  Darcy is a wizard. 

The first Christmas after the triplets were born, one of the VERY best humans I've ever met (Angela Keddington), made a couple of Christmas trees for a local charity called "the festival of trees".  She made one for Colum and one for baby Norah.  The trees are sold and all the proceeds are donated to Primary Children's Hospital.  When I first saw Colum's, Toy Story themed Christmas tree I began to sob.  I later learned that Darcy, was the one who purchased our tree.  I really don't think there could've been a more perfect person to have it! 

I remember feeling so comfortable crying in front of her.  I remember that the only reason I even tried to get dressed in rehab some mornings (it was extremely painful and always wanted to just give up) was because I wanted to make Darcy proud.  I wanted to go the extra mile because Darcy was going the extra mile for me.  Darcy would sometimes wipe my bum for me and was there when my catheter leaked all over my male stripper pants during therapies. 

Thank you Darcy!  You made such a difference in our world Honey!


I recently watched Wonder Woman with the kids.  Such a great movie!  I remember sporting (hand-me-down (gross)) Wonder Woman underwear as a kid. Up until recently, I used to picture my "shield" as a bright light that surrounded me, blocking negativity off as much as possible like a magical bubble. Now, after watching Wonder Woman I have "wonder woman" bracelet armor things instead.  I am flinging my wrists, blocking jabs when I have to, not taking things personally.  But then sometimes my arms suddenly get tired and I stop and have to ask myself, "why am I having to block so much from this person?".  The important change I've recently made in my life is to tell Ryan about whom and what my wrist armor is blocking.  I used to stand it alone.  But then eventually I'd lose my shit over what looked like nothing.  I know that I shouldn't put myself in situations that I have to "block" so much from people.  I understand how simple the solution to this problem is, heck I practice it often. I've been searching myself for answers and to be honest I think that sometimes the people that I have to block the most from are ironically the M0ST entertaining to me. I've also taken a personality test recently where I've tested "I have to feel entertained to survive".  I've figured it out!  I have to feel entertained to survive you guys.  (I also have to feel attractive to survive)...  Fun fact: Ryan also has to feel entertained in order to survive...ha!  Maybe, that's why we get along so well!!!

Here's the test, please tell me what you are!



  1. I'm a 9. I must maintain peace/calm to survive.

  2. 8 I must be strong and in control to survive.

    And it says I am mentally unhealthy. LOL but not disagreeing. LoL

  3. I'm a 9 - I like my top three characteristics : Calm, orderly and helpful to survive. Kelly, my niece and nephew are OT's and, back in the day (30ish years ago) I was the secretary for the OT department in a large rehabilitation hospital here in CT. It was staffed with about 15 wonderful and creative people who worked so hard for their patients. I can see every one of these OT's that I know in your description of Darcey. I look forward to your postings.