::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

2.27.2018

An Empath I Am

I recently had another therapist whom I’ve known & waxed for nearly 15 years in my chair.  I filled her in on some of the things I’ve recently written on here.  I explained to her what happened to me on Thanksgiving & the weeks that followed.  “You’re an Empath”, she said.  I had no idea what an empath even was.  I told her I feel energies & she didn’t look at me like I was the least bit crazy.  Because it’s a real thing!

This discovery about myself has been very profound for me & it answers a lot of questions I’ve had about myself.  I don’t remember names or faces very well.  I remember people’s energies.  It explains why going to Costco for me is the most draining thing I can think of, (also Disneyland).  I don’t get anxiety in social situations, I get extremely overwhelmed.  When I worked at Fashion Place mall for the few short months I lasted there doing brows, I’d come home so drained of all my energy.  Whenever I go to that mall it tends to take everything out of me.  Certain people, just being around them drains me.  When I first became an esthetician giving people facials was what my draining nightmares were made of.  I knew without a doubt that “energy” was real in those first few months of my career & haven’t offered facials in well over a decade.

I’ve done a little bit of research about empaths & in it I’ve learned that a lot of the times people with the most pain can be drawn to us, like a magnet.  This explains all the mean-girling I’ve experienced & why at times I attract so many toxic people.  It’s very common for empathic children to be called “lazy” ha!  This explains why so many people open up to me wholeheartedly, something I really love.  I love helping people with their problems.  I love helping others love themselves.  I love when a person discovers their natural gifts.  I love my job you guys!  I love that I’m showing my kids that you can go to work (we call it going to twerk around here) & genuinely love what you do.  This explains why I enjoy being alone so much & even my love for writing.

Empaths are very intuitive.  Since my childhood was invalidating & confusing I’ve been ignoring my gut, which I’ve also described on here as floating.  I’m no longer floating.  I’m present.  I’m listening.  I’m embracing my own gifts, because I can!  

I know that a lot of people are like me.  I really relate to this article: 

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/traits-of-an-empath-how-to-recognise-one/

Any one else here an empath?!?



  




2.12.2018

Light

I had an energy reading done yesterday.  It ‘twas pretty profound actually.  The woman doing the readings name was Jody & Jody really helped me.  I want to write this down so I have it forever.

I just wanted to know why?  Why do I get mean girled so much.  Am I attracting it?  I know I’m not causing it.

What she taught me I will try & explain to you now.  In hopes that it might help others as well.

She said to picture a flame burning inside each & everyone of us.  She said that even the very darkest people will still have a flicker.  She said that my light is extremely bright & that there are some that just cannot handle it.  Some will try to make my light not as bright by trying to hurt me, because they can’t handle my brightness.

She told me that I often dim my light when I’m around others whose lights are not as bright as mine, just to make them more comfortable.  I dim my light so they don’t try to hurt me.  But when I dim my light I’m only hurting myself.

After reading my chakras etc (I apologize I’m pretty new to this), she told me that I’m meant to teach.  I can’t recall how she put it exactly but she said that I need to let my light shine in order to step into my divine power.  She said that when those with dim lights are trying to harm me, my spirit needs to tell their spirit that I’m just not participating.  She also said that I’m meant to help teach those whose lights could be brighter.

She told me that Colum IS with me & that had I not ever lost him, I wouldn’t get to have him with me in this magical way.  That He was meant to bee with me in this way.  She said that when I’m allowing my light to shine bright & free from negativity, (& some other stuff), that that’s when I will feel him the most.

****

A few years ago after I cried for about a year from being mean girled by my in-laws, somebody recommended a book to me & I actually read it.  It was called the four agreements.  I’ve lived the four agreements unknowingly a lot, at least most of them.  I realized that when I lived this way I was my happiest, best self.  The four agreements are:

1) Be true to your word

2) Don’t take things personally

3) Don’t assume things

4) Always do your best

I equally love all 4 of the agreements & it really helped heal a lot of the mean girl wounds.  I learned that if I know I’m a good person, that these things are happening because of their own issues.  I’ve understood & accepted this for awhile now.  But what I didn’t understand was why?

I’ve really just been floating.  For years I’ve been floating not really knowing or trusting this side of myself.  On Thanksgiving I met a person.  This person I may never see again & has little significance to me.  But when this person got up to introduce himself to me I suddenly got really dizzy.  I actually put my hand up to my head because I got so light headed.  His energy was really strong that I felt it physically.  And this person talked to me like he KNEW me.  Not the normal way you know a person, but, like he could read my mind, like he knew my spirit.  This lasted only for a moment.  I had to go home & recover from the way this made me feel, (& cook thanksgiving dinner).

It’s been a few months now & I actually wonder if this person I had met had anything to do with the feeling I got, maybe it was just the MOMENT.  Maybe in that very moment, everything finally aligned for me.  I hope I don’t sound crazy, (Jody understood me completely).  But this very moment is when I feel like I stepped into my divine power.  I could see & understand the big picture.  A piece of that is that I needed to heal.  I had WORTH.  And in order to heal I needed to understand, be brave, & speak my truth.  That speaking my truth isn’t trespassing.  Stop dimming my light.

I truly wish my light wasn’t bright.  All I’ve ever wanted was to live a simple quiet life, but the universe keeps showing me that I’m not meant to be quiet.  So from now on, I will dim my light for no one.  Wish me luck!  Also thank you so much for all your comments.   Let’s all let our lights shine brightly.  Thank you for validating me❤️!