::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Saving myself part II

While I was trapped in my hospital bed my parents told me that my MIL didn’t care if I lived or died.

You see, after I left the ICU the first time, the hospital staff thought it would be a good idea to put Ryan & I in the same room.  I remember being wheeled in to a room filled with people & immediately I wanted to ask them to take me back to where I was.  I just wanted to be alone.  I just wanted to be alone & cry.  I didn’t want visitors, the dr’s said that I shouldn’t have any either.  I didn’t want to have to smile at anybody.  I wanted to be alone with Ryan & I needed to see him be sad.  I needed him to be sad with me for a moment.  & when I was stimulated too much my heart monitor would go off.  My parents were trying to limit the amount of visitors, even stop them altogether.  But my MIL insisted that her son get all the visitors his heart desires.  Ryan looked very happy with his life & I could feel the tension although I was so in & out consciousness.  I didn’t understand at the time how he could be smiling.  & I was also surprised when several months later my SIL on his side came at me about how my parents & I were acting at that time towards visitors.  I could feel the resentment she still held against me for it, like I knew what was going on & not trying to survive the shear amount of utter pain I was in physically & emotionally.  I’ve had several very close friends that showed up to visit me tell me that they were screamed at by my father.  He even made some of them cry.

So yes, visitors were not good for my health.  It wasn’t just because I wanted to be alone, I needed to be physically.  So I assume my parents told me that my MIL didn’t care if I lived or died because that’s how she was acting, by dragging visitors in to see her son despite what the Dr’s were telling her. But that was SICK of them to tell me that.  And it was selfish of her to not care about my health. How would that make you feel?

It was so selfish of them to be fighting with each other instead behaving like Good Guys.  It’s inappropriate to turn someone’s tragedy into your own, when they are still in critical condition.

Ryan was talking to his mom in a different hospital room one day next to me.  After hanging up with her he started spilling his guts about how his mom would call him crying every single morning.  She told him that just following the viewing at the hospital that she walked up to my dad & said that she didn’t think we should have to pay for our son’s funeral & that they should both pay half.  She said that my dad agreed but then proceeded to get in his car & drive to the funeral home & paid in full with our money (that my uncle gave us to survive on, thank you Uncle!!!).

At first I believed her.  For years I believed her.  The woman who gave birth to my husband who didn’t care if I lived or died.  But now, I don’t know who I believe!  To be honest I think she shouldn’t have been confiding in Ryan at all at that time in our recovery.  And to repeatedly call him & cry to him about it was SELFISH of her.  I stopped trying to be anything but cordial with her long before the crash.  And to be honest that was ok with me.  But putting your son in the middle of something so SICK after going through such unthinkable things is SELF-SERVING.  That’s when you should phone a friend or even my Dad, not us, not Ryan!  Use your head!

I wish I had the insight back then that I do now with this.  I’ve been holding all of these other terrible things inside me for too long.  I’m tired.  My MIL did stay with us for 6 weeks after we had the triplets.  She did not miss 1 single feeding in those 6 weeks!  She cooked, she cleaned, & she acted like a mom should.  I’ve never had anyone especially my own mom do anything like that for me.  I AM SORRY  if I didn’t “thank” her enough for that!  I was kind of busy though & I had NO idea at the time that people would do things to “help” me only to be “thanked” enough.

I used to internalize everything & wonder “what’s wrong with me” & “I must be so repulsive that I don’t deserve their love”.  I would put their toxicity onto my own shoulders.  But Colum has helped me see that I’m a good guy & it’s THEIR own issues ...not because I’m disgusting.

I just moved The BrowHive to the most beautiful studio in all the land!  They let me sign the lease & deep down I’m terrified to pay the rent.  But Colum guides me to do things now so I know it’s where I’m supposed to bee.  It’s in a brand new building full of many Studios.  A couple of days ago I watched as the building’s manager sat on a chair while her mom & dad were hanging wallpaper in one of several of her businesses/studios.  Her Mom brought in a beautiful Christmas wreath & hung it up.  Her Dad is always there just fixing things for her!  I swear to you I have never seen anything like it in all my life.  Do people’s parents really do things for their kids like that?!?  I almost asked her once if they’re getting paid to help out so much!  It’s been remarkable to watch & she she has so much gratitude for them.  I want to bee that kind of human!  I want to bee helpful when my kids are embarking on the bravest business venture they’ve ever done!

After the sentencing was over with we made most of our local channels 10 o’clock news.  I wish I had it saved somewhere but on one of them the news journalist was talking about what happened.  When she talked about Ainsworth instead of his face on the screen there was a picture of MY DAD in his stead. My dad’s face was where the bad guys face was supposed to bee.  It was from a picture of him in the audience & we were all scratching our heads on how it got there.  I didn’t SEE what was right in front of me at the time.  I couldn’t hear what Colum & the universe we’re trying to tell me.  But this Thanksgiving was a magical one!!!

Also, if when my kids grow older & have issues about something I did; I will listen to them.  I will tell them that I’m sorry & I will hold them while we discuss how I can make it better.  My parents can’t do that.  Or maybe they just won’t.  Kids still want to feel loved by their parents even at age 37, maybe even have them act interested in their lives too.  So I’m writing this all down for myself because it feels empowering!  I feel so much lighter.  I even feel Colum a little bit stronger which tells me that I have the right to tell my story exactly as it happened.  There’s bad guys in every good story anyways.  Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us, donated to us, & been there for us when our families could not.  We really truly couldn’t have done it without you.  Happy Holidays!!!


  1. Bravo for speaking your truth!

  2. You ARE strong. Never let anyone tell you different.

  3. Have you checked out "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" or "Borderline Personality Disorder"? One or both of those may describe the destructive people in your life. The book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul Mason is about what it's like with a borderline person in your life. If you're like other people who have lived around people with these personality disorders, then you will probably feel like you wrote the book. Good luck. Sounds like you are on the right track. Please know that you're not the crazy one...

    1. I have & I think you’ve hit it right on the nose. Thank you so so much!!! I will check this book out!