::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

12.21.2017

Saving myself part 4

Ok, so the book’s amazing (walking on eggshells)!  It’s crazy to me that there’s an actual name & medically documented descriptions of her very same behaviors.

I am learning that responding to them in anger won’t ever change things.  I have a life time of pain bottled up inside me that never got to tell my side of the story.  I was so confused all growing up.  I always felt like their & (one of my siblings) free to punch anytime, punching bag.  My entire childhood I was in survival mode.  I grew up as the enemy in a war zone, of a war that made no sense.  I’m realizing that I’ve actually known, even been friends with several people with BPD over the years.  Some are easy to spot for me now.  Some take a few years.

People, when they’ve known me for awhile & find out about the crash they can’t believe it, & they tell me I’m amazing.   People find out I have triplets & they tell me I’m amazing.  People come to my business & fall in love with their browz & tell me I’m amazing.  

People tell me I’m amazing all the time you guys.  It’s just my very own parents that don’t.  Because I’m learning from the book that they probably don’t think I am.  And it hurts a lot when you don’t understand why your parents don’t see you.  

But having the knowledge that there’s a medical reason for their behavior helps me out a great deal.  Feeling validated; Helps me a great deal.  It even says that in the book that “kids of BPD really just need to feel validated by SOMEONE”.  Because they wonder if they are the crazy ones.  And finding validation is hard because most people can’t believe how bad it is.  

Right now, I’m attracting really good things & really good people.  I’ve honestly never been better.  My kids are great but getting so big!  It’s crazy to see their personalities mature but stay the same.  I could never scream at them all the time.  Sometimes it gets really overwhelming having triplets & sometimes I think Finn competes for our attention a little bit (he’s such a great person you guys❤️, they all are).  

Anyways, I practice not taking things personally like it’s my religion, but for some reason my parents behavior takes me back to a sad place.  And honestly it doesn’t take much from them at all to do that.  A lifetime of manipulation, confusion, verbal, & emotional abuse will do that to ya, I guess lol.  I just need to detach myself from people that trigger my pain.  Because I’ve had way too much sadness.  I just want to be happy.  And I will never be able to control my temper, because that little girl who could t defend herself wants to come out swinging.  Because that little girl is now strong & brave because of them.

I feel cheesy right now but I’m gonna keep going.

I watch my kids & all they WANT is for Ryan & I to see them.  I need to remember that as a parent always.  We need to actually SEE & HEAR them.  Even when they are (almost) 37, they need to be seen even just once a year, but hopefully a whole lot more than that.

I tell my girls that we are all fairies, and that every fairy has special gifts.  Holland is the snuggle, helpful around the house fairy (she really tries to do what she’s told, & she’s the most sensitive). Wren is the outfit fairy (cause girlfriend loves fashion).  And Dale is the hair & makeup fairy (girl after my own heart).  And Mommy is the kind of fairy that helps other grownup fairies feel pretty fairy.  Oh & I tell them they are amazing all the time.  Oh, and I try to pay close attention to their gifts so we can nurture them.  

Also, thank God I have Ryan!  

P.S. I have been typing this on my phone & so I apologize half of this is in italics 😆.


2 comments:

  1. Thank you so much or writing. I know how it is to not be seen. To not be praised. I once asked my Mom if she was proud of me and she said "Are you proud of yourself, because that's all that matters" But that isn't all that matters. How Hard would it have been to just say yes? So, my only guess is...she isn't proud of me.

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    1. Isn’t it funny? Just say YES mommy! We need to break the cycle with our kids, I know we are. Let us shout from the mountain tops how proud we are! Let’s sing songs about it. Thank you Julie! Xo

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