::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Saving myself part 3

“The people that mind don’t matter, and the people that matter don’t mind.”
-Dr Seuss

My mantra!

I consider myself incredibly lucky because of all the people I get to meet & be around when I’m at work.  I get to repeatedly see people that inspire me & I learn so much every single day!  

I have one client who I saw yesterday & she just so happens to be a therapist or actually maybe a psychiatrist, she is very wise whatever she is.  About a year or so ago she was describing someone to the friend that referred her to me.  I listened quietly but I wasn’t paying close attention to the whole story.  But there were so many similarities to my Mom.  “That sounds exactly like my Mom!”, I quickly added.  “Your Mom has Borderline Personality Disorder”, she said back to me.  

I was surprised several appointments later when she mentioned my Mom having BPD casually, mostly because I was shocked that she even remembered.  Although I usually try not to talk about myself during people’s appointments unless they asked, I’m not exaggerating when I say I was excited to see her yesterday.  I immediately asked her advice on how to deal with my parents, (I think that one is a narcissist w/borderline tendencies & one is borderline with narcissistic tendencies btw).  She had mentioned before how it’s off common for a BPD to marry a NPD & how together they make an abusive dream team, (interesting right?).  Her answer was to deal with them as LITTLE as possible, IF AT ALL.  She said I would need to have concrete boundaries set into place & she said that no matter how much work I do on myself that merely associating with them will trigger my pain, “it’s basically cellular”.  She said that there is no abuse like that of a BPD parent.  I asked, “what about my kids?”...for it’s the guilt of my kids not seeing & knowing their grandparents that always gets me.  She said I need to protect them as well because, “They are who they are Kelly”.  

I tried to order the book that somebody recommended on my last post “Stop walking on eggshells”, on my kindle but couldn’t figure out how to order, pay for, & download it immediately onto my kindle.  I was only able to download the free sample & the paperback copy arrives tomorrow.  But the sample alone gave me some clarity.  I’M NOT THE CRAZY ONE!!!  I cannot wait to get it into my hands & read it!  I probably won’t be able to shut up about it afterwards either.  From what I gathered from reading the introduction is the face of BPD is hard to spot sometimes & that families w/BPD can appear normal to outsiders.  

All their behaviors make so much more sense to me now.  I wish I would’ve written my truth a long time ago!  I’m okay you guys, I’m not crying or even sad.  I’ve began this process many a times.  It’s probably easier for me to drop them from my life than it would be for my siblings (not that I mean my siblings should drop them etc), because I know that when they die I will be fine.  I’ve already lost a child.  There’s nothing worse & I know that nothing will ever Bee as hard as losing Colum.  Which to me feels like a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

Something else I didn’t tell you is I threw a family xmas party last night.  I invited my entire side of the family.  I wasn’t sure if anyone would show up I’ll get to why in a moment but first I just want to say that my parents just couldn’t afford to make it this year!  They are TOO POOR & own 2 houses & a Lexus, & so many diamonds.  I told them Walmart was hiring but they just couldn’t come because WE ARE TOO EXPENSIVE.  It’s a shame because our value is only going up & our prices will only follow.

On Thanksgiving I FaceTimed my parents whom are in Arizona at their friends house.  I was talking to my mother dearest & she’d act extra disinterested in me as usual so I just LET her for what unknowingly could be the very last time speak to my kids.  And I got on to say hi & the emotions of how much I missed my family surfaced.  I said, “Mom.  I miss my family so much”, as I began to cry.  Her immediate response was “uh, ok, bye” as I intermittently watched my moms hand float up & her finger click END.  She hung up on me.

My baby died on Christmas.  We were hit on Christmas Eve leaving my family party & ive barely seen much of my family since.  I MISS them.  Not my parents, it’s a SHAME but I just never have.  I miss most of my siblings!  I miss being around the good guys!  But you see my mom is the victim & I think she was enjoying herself on that day.  If “I” got sad then that would mean that she’d have to act sadder.  Or maybe, my Mother Dearest just doesn’t really care about me.  Either way, it set me off onto what I did next & why I didn’t know if anybody in my family would come.

I just started texting her/them.  I started out by asking them to come help me move Studios, fully knowing that it’d never happen.  But then Colum showed up & took over my thumbs.  It was actually HIS idea to charge my parents TOP DOLLAR not mine.  He’s brilliant you see.  He wants me to tell them exactly how I feel.  For weeks We texted them any horrible memory We could think of!  It felt amazing!  I’m going to write it all out publicly here on my blog though from now on!  Just because I can!  My baby died on Christmas & I have this platform that last I checked, over 2 million people have read my blog.  I want millions of people to know what the face of BPD & NPD looks like. I want to talk about abuse, not have a pity party.  I’m also seeing the big picture that my abusive childhood happened, & it happened to all of my siblings.  My parents “Are who they are”.

I’m going to get really real from now on because:

The people that mind don’t matter, & the people that matter they just wont mind if I do.

Thanks for reading, this is my therapy!


  1. Great that you're getting the book. It changed my life after I read it. My mom is borderline. Funny that you want to charge them to see you. Brilliant. My parents recently started paying me to come see them. Boundaries are the only way to go and you need to protect your kids. Your parents will never be loving parents, you'll need to provide that for yourself, by finding good friends and by self-parenting. Also, people who haven't experienced this can never believe how bad it is. Thinking of you and sending hugs. -k

    1. I truly cannot thank you enough for reading & commenting! And that IS funny that your parents pay to see you too. It is such a huge relief to me that I’m not alone & that YOU exist, there are others. Xoxo

    2. I hope you can find a local friend or two that understands this problem that you can commiserate with. I found that to be very helpful. Thinking of you... -k

  2. I have not checked your blog in a couple of years but tonight I logged on and started to read. the last time I read your blog, you had JUST gotten your job doing eyebrows. I have a lot to catch up on. I always think of you and your husband and family right around now.. wondering how things are going in this thing called life. Thanks for continuing to post and continuing to be real with yourself and your feelings. Just wanted to say hi.. from one stranger to another :) side note... my cat has decided that my arms made a perfect bed for her to lay on/in. weirdo. :)

    1. Thank you Jenny! Give your cat a pet from me. Xo

  3. I'm glad you are blogging again. And especially about this. I have BPD in my life. I'll be reading that book!

  4. Oh, Kelly! My heart breaks for ALL you have endured and i kind of just want to spit in your parents faces. I am a little younger than you, but still want to mother the heck out of you and give you all the love you deserve! With this new knowledge about your life i am EVEN MORE amazed by you!!! Never doubt your decisions, never lower your boundaries again. You are such a fantastic mother despite not having your own. Love you and can’t wait to see you fly!!!

  5. YOU GO GIRL!!! I have been following you from the very beginning. I have always felt that there was just "something" you weren't letting us in on. Not sure why I felt that but brushed it off as keeping private. I am so proud of you to step up and step out. You and only you can share you story and get it all out of you. Its so refreshing to just breathe. My heart breaks for what you have gone through BUT I am right there with you when you say it has made you what you are today and that is something very awesome. I am so proud of all that you have accomplished! You are amazing! Keep writing - there are those of us that are cheering you on!