::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


High pain tolerance

I remember sitting in my friends kitchen with my 2 best friends in 8th or 9th grade.  They’d seen my parents wrath of confusing furry the most, especially my Fathers.  He would show up at my friends house & scream at me.  Most of the time I had followed all the rules, but unbeknownst to me the rules had suddenly changed, again!  I was always in trouble, & I was a good kid you guys.  Sometimes he’d just let loose & yell at my friends & their parents too...it was awful.

Sitting in the kitchen my friends broke down & asked what was up with my parents; because it turned out, it didn’t make sense to them either.  They told me if their parents did that to them, they’d rebel. I remember feeling so relieved having somebody who recognized how strange & unjustified their behavior actually was.  This was the very first & only 1 of a few times I’ve ever felt validated.   I’m just now finding answers 20 years later.  I was being emotionally abused you guys.  & not just a couple times, it was everyday, unless mowing or shopping.

I had another therapist/dr client in my studio last night.  She reminded me that she’s told me that my mom has borderline too.  She described the life of living with a BPD with one simple word; “invalidating”.  Because you’re never validated, your thoughts & feelings are never validated.  Your natural feelings & emotions, you are told/taught aren’t valid.

I remember breaking up with my high school boyfriend & my mom asking me why shortly after.  I bravely replied, “because he’s really mean to me, & every one says that he’s actually emotionally abusive towards me”, I was 17 btw, (& if you can’t tell that was a cry for help or at least comfort).  She rolled her eyes & acted disgusted with me for breaking up with him.  “Ugh, well I really liked him”, was her response.  He also raped me once but it was over with so quick that I never knew if it still counted if he only lasted 2 seconds.  He then went on to our high school & told all of his/our friends that I just laid there like a “dead fish”.   ...but my mom really liked him.  So emotional abuse & even being raped & mistreated felt NORMAL to me.  I was so repulsive & disgusting so that’s what I deserved anyway.  Yet I knew her reaction wasn’t healthy, it was confusing because this was my Mom.  The abusive asshole rapist’s initials are C.C.  I actually heard he’s a Dr now.  I wonder if he’s still raping people & if he’s been able to fix all of his premature ejaculation issues by now.  After he finished raping me, he had the audacity to blame the entire thing on me.  I let him too, because I believed at the time that it probably was entirely my fault.

He later went on to serve an LDS mission in Australia.  He told a friend to tell me that he was sorry after he got back.  I’m wondering now as I type if he was apologizing for the verbal abuse, rape, or the dead fish part.  Hmmm, I guess we’ll never know.  I hope that somewhere, someday he gets the opportunity to read this & I hope it makes him feel like shit.

Also, please note that in my parents eyes, none of this happened.  They are probably claiming that I am making all of this up, even that I am the crazy one.  They are never wrong.  But if it’s all a lie then why does it hang over me like...like a cart.  Every so often my “cart” gets too heavy to pull.  Since I have such a high pain tolerance, sometimes it takes me a lot longer to realize the extreme weight, than it would most people.  It turns out that protecting the bad guys can be more taxing than losing your baby on Christmas to a meth-head, re-learning to walk, & almost dying.  Who knew?

With every word I type my cart gets lighter & lighter.  I’ve been pulling this thing around my whole life.  But you know what, I think we should go through what’s inside of it together.  So maybe we can empty out some of your cart too, if you want.

Sorry for all the dark real ness guys.  But it’s real.  But I’m actually happy & fine.  I’m finding it so much easier to fly since I’ve come out of the closet.  Stay tuned, there’s more to come.  Happy New Year everybody!!!

P.S. I’ve really been debating if I should share these posts on Facebook lol, wait I’m serious.  Thoughts?


  1. Thanks for sharing. What a toxic load to receive and carry around. How awesome that you are still sane and able to give and receive love. Happy New Year! -k

  2. What a brave post,thank you for sharing. I have gone through a similar experience with my mom. It started as a kid and and I only found the courage this past Christmas to say no more to the abuse. We live close by so it's been hard drawing the line but now the minute it starts, I walk out the door or hang up the phone. I'm 50 (a lot older than you) so I give you a ton of credit for recognizing the abuse and changing things now. That takes a lot of guts. Hugs to you on this journey of choosing wellness and of choosing you.
    PS and more hugs re CC - #metoo!

    1. PS since you asked I would not share these posts on Facebook because you'll be giving your Mom/parents the opportunity to rebuke or discredit you. This is YOUR journey and YOUR feelings, you shouldn't ever have to defend or explain them. sharing on your blog (I think) is a safe place where you will be supported and cherished. just my $.02

  3. I agree about not posting on Facebook. Don’t give the toxic people in your life to make it all about being the victim again for all of your FB to see