::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

6.28.2016

Roller Coasters

Colum turns 6 years old tomorrow.  I should be getting ready for his party.  I should be scrambling to get all the ingredients ready to make his Birthday cake.  He should have just finished kindergarten and would be going into first grade. June this year has been hard for me.

I am opening up my own tiny brow studio (it's called the BrowHive).  It's a little tricky getting everything ready when you have three 2 year olds.  In preparation today I took all 4 kids to the Health Department with me, but before that I spontaneously took the 4 kids and I to Macaroni Grill.  I used to not take them out alone because my anxiety levels get so high, my clothes are sopping wet from the sweat from the panic attacks I'm keeping at bay, and it's just too much.  Why am I like that?  Is it because if anything happened to anyone I'd go crazy?  Yup.

I've gotten better.  An older lady walked up to our table of 5 brunettes & pasta and said, "you have such well behaved children".  I thanked her and Wren immediately starts babbling about her cane.  The kind woman jokes that the reason she has a cane is because she's an old woman.  I hesitate but say it anyways because I know Finn will if I don't, "Mommy used to have a cane too, Bird".  I smile to myself because my kids ARE really well behaved & it's not uncommon for us to be told that.  And thank God that they are for we are out numbered!  Rooting myself on is something that I do to myself quietly in my head.  We have triplets and we are doing it!, and we are doing it all on our own.

Finn asks me every year what we are going to do for Colum's Birthday.   I don't know, is my answer these days.  But all I really want to say is survive.  Last year I cried so much my eyes were swollen shut & purple and I was scheduled to work (in cosmetics mind you).  I contemplated not going.  I've noticed that I talk about him less and less.  I am so busy all the time and I am so tired that I just put everything aside.  Nobody really knows what this is really like.  The dates such as Birthdays, Holidays, and for our case Christmas and all those days in between. 

A lot of the people that I thought I could trust have turned out to be well...untrustworthy.  Sometimes the drama that people cause, well it literally blows my mind.  I know that sometimes people hurt other people because it makes them feel safe.  Why do people lie so much?  Why do grown people make up scenarios that didn't ever happen?  And when people don't have you or your family's best interests and lie/make up scenarios why would we want to be around you? 

 I hope that hurting us made you feel safe.  I hope you got everything you wanted.

Please leave us alone. 
 we have been hurt enough and are just wanting to survive.

 
we are not into roller coasters, especially those that we can control.

I feel like every time I get off one roller coaster I'm forced on to the next.  I just don't really want to be on ANY roller coasters anymore.  In fact I just want to skip the amusement parks all together.   For example, sometimes I stay on a roller coaster (the job I just quit) in hopes of being done with roller coasters all together (another job).  But it turns out it was just a different type of roller coaster.  I stood there and watched that roller coaster just coast on by without me.  Put me down for long walks on the beach.  Ferris wheels, nah I'm good I'd rather scrub toilets.  Smooth sailin' is all I want.  If there's rough waters aka drama/shitty people/man getting out of prison after they kill my son; we will just stay right here on the dock and eat a Popsicle. 

P.S. I haven't heard anything about the Thomas Ainsworth appeal.  I'm sorry I didn't update you all.  I just can't handle it you guys.  I can't take it on.  I haven't even called the Prosecutor.  I'm on my own little cloud of denial and it feels fine for now.  I just want smooth sailin' and for him to stay in there.  I can't break down right now I have small children.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET BABY COLUM!  I MISS YOU EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!  I LIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU!!!