::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Roller Coasters

Colum turns 6 years old tomorrow.  I should be getting ready for his party.  I should be scrambling to get all the ingredients ready to make his Birthday cake.  He should have just finished kindergarten and would be going into first grade. June this year has been hard for me.

I am opening up my own tiny brow studio (it's called the BrowHive).  It's a little tricky getting everything ready when you have three 2 year olds.  In preparation today I took all 4 kids to the Health Department with me, but before that I spontaneously took the 4 kids and I to Macaroni Grill.  I used to not take them out alone because my anxiety levels get so high, my clothes are sopping wet from the sweat from the panic attacks I'm keeping at bay, and it's just too much.  Why am I like that?  Is it because if anything happened to anyone I'd go crazy?  Yup.

I've gotten better.  An older lady walked up to our table of 5 brunettes & pasta and said, "you have such well behaved children".  I thanked her and Wren immediately starts babbling about her cane.  The kind woman jokes that the reason she has a cane is because she's an old woman.  I hesitate but say it anyways because I know Finn will if I don't, "Mommy used to have a cane too, Bird".  I smile to myself because my kids ARE really well behaved & it's not uncommon for us to be told that.  And thank God that they are for we are out numbered!  Rooting myself on is something that I do to myself quietly in my head.  We have triplets and we are doing it!, and we are doing it all on our own.

Finn asks me every year what we are going to do for Colum's Birthday.   I don't know, is my answer these days.  But all I really want to say is survive.  Last year I cried so much my eyes were swollen shut & purple and I was scheduled to work (in cosmetics mind you).  I contemplated not going.  I've noticed that I talk about him less and less.  I am so busy all the time and I am so tired that I just put everything aside.  Nobody really knows what this is really like.  The dates such as Birthdays, Holidays, and for our case Christmas and all those days in between. 

A lot of the people that I thought I could trust have turned out to be well...untrustworthy.  Sometimes the drama that people cause, well it literally blows my mind.  I know that sometimes people hurt other people because it makes them feel safe.  Why do people lie so much?  Why do grown people make up scenarios that didn't ever happen?  And when people don't have you or your family's best interests and lie/make up scenarios why would we want to be around you? 

 I hope that hurting us made you feel safe.  I hope you got everything you wanted.

Please leave us alone. 
 we have been hurt enough and are just wanting to survive.

we are not into roller coasters, especially those that we can control.

I feel like every time I get off one roller coaster I'm forced on to the next.  I just don't really want to be on ANY roller coasters anymore.  In fact I just want to skip the amusement parks all together.   For example, sometimes I stay on a roller coaster (the job I just quit) in hopes of being done with roller coasters all together (another job).  But it turns out it was just a different type of roller coaster.  I stood there and watched that roller coaster just coast on by without me.  Put me down for long walks on the beach.  Ferris wheels, nah I'm good I'd rather scrub toilets.  Smooth sailin' is all I want.  If there's rough waters aka drama/shitty people/man getting out of prison after they kill my son; we will just stay right here on the dock and eat a Popsicle. 

P.S. I haven't heard anything about the Thomas Ainsworth appeal.  I'm sorry I didn't update you all.  I just can't handle it you guys.  I can't take it on.  I haven't even called the Prosecutor.  I'm on my own little cloud of denial and it feels fine for now.  I just want smooth sailin' and for him to stay in there.  I can't break down right now I have small children.



  1. Rooting for you in Illinois...hugs. :)

  2. Happy Birthday to sweet Colum. My stars...the time goes by so fast. Maybe you SHOULD stop thinking about that guy (I can't even type his name). Maybe you should put him out of your mind and your life. It know it must be a battle...he needs to be in jail and pay the consequences for his actions but whatever happens to him, will happen. I wouldn't let him steal another minute of your beautiful life. And as far as adults who are judgmental, tell lies, hurt others...just rule them out of your life. I had someone tell me recently that I have been exaggerating my health issues (I had breast cancer surgery twice and 5 weeks of radiation). Hmmm. First of all, I never asked for their opinion. And if they had a negative opinion of a woman having to go through that type of situation, they should have kept their misguided opinions to themselves. What is up with people?? I think social media has it's great side (blogs like yours, texting our family, fb'ing with people who are supportive and great) but it also has conditioned society to have to have an opinion about everything. Well, my opinion is that you are strong, you are alive, you are raising your son and girls the very best way you can, you are working, you are moving forward with your life without your beloved son and if anyone wants to dispute what you've been though or have a negative opinion about how you live your life, then you can do without them. So there...I hope you keep on keeping on....be happy....that will show them that they don't matter. Give all your time and energy to the things that matter the most...your husband and your beautiful children. Their opinion is all that matters. Have the rest of a wonderful (although hot) summer.

  3. Love from me...you can do it, this life. You are strong, and a wonderful mother.

  4. Sending lots of prayers and love your way. I do not know you personally but after reading your story years ago, I always check your blog (I've missed your posts and pictures but know of course you are a busy mama of five!!) I think of you and your family and especially your sweet baby boy Colum a lot. I know he is on your mind every second of every single day and always will be. He is a part of you.

    Months ago I saw someone post something about fetal maternal microchimerism. The post said that back in 2012, scientists discovered that a baby's DNA crosses the placenta and stays in the mother for her whole life. This means that a part of Colum, in the most literal sense, will always be inside of you and with you. This process, called fetal-maternal microchimerism, allows both mother and child to keep little pieces of each other. When the heart is injured, fetal cells seem to flock to the site of injury and turn into several different types of specialized heart cells. Those cells can even become ones that actually make the heart beat. This would mean that Colum's little cells are gathering at your heart to help heal the damage, and you will carry him in your heart, literally, for the rest of your life.

    Love and prayers to you and your whole family. Thinking of you all.

  5. Well, that was a beautiful thought from the Anonymous writer just before me. How very sweet. The Universe is a wondrous thing. And so are you, Kelly! I just treasure the little visit we had this summer. I have told people about how remarkable Finn is as she shepherds those little sisters around in such a loving way. And you are just amazing. So serene and beautiful. (At least serene on the outside--I know you probably don't always feel that way.) Anyway. Thanks for letting us stop by and for the eyebrow sculpture--I haven't been able to allow anyone to touch them since then. Love you lots!!

  6. Oops, I made a little pronoun error there. Of course Finn is a HE. It's "...as he shepherds those little sisters around..." Duh.

  7. I don't have to know you to feel love and.compassion. Sounds like you have been thru so much.....try to ignore any and all negative comments and people. God Bless you and your family.