::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

2.12.2016

Pissed cause I'm happy

So I've been meaning to get on here and express that I've calmed down.

Most hours I'm calm...surprisingly calm and then suddenly I.AM.PISSED.

But I mean, for the most part we are doing really great.  Ryan is of course doing much better than me because I think he's the best at most things.  

I just don't understand.  

I don't understand that his Mom got up during sentencing while I FINALLY got to read my pain.  I MEAN WE ALL HEARD THE ONE LADY WITH HER NOISES OF DISGUST, STOMPING FEET, AND THE SLAMMING OF THE DOORS. I MEAN I GUESS SHE WANTS HER DAD TO BE OUT OF PRISON BUT LIKE, I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO DESIGN MY CHILD'S HEADSTONE WITH CHRISTMAS DAY AS HIS DAY OF DEATH...IDK.  EVEN 11 DAYS POST GIVING BIRTH TO TRIPLETS, READING MY PAIN, YUP, I HEARD YA. BUT I DIDN'T HEAR THE QUIET STEPS OF HIS MOTHER. QUIET STEPS HIDE FROM THE TRUTH AND THE LOUD ONES DENY IT.

I am trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to have the time to become an activist.  I'm scared about juggling another ball right now.  But I'm slowly learning more as I go.  I promise I will try.

We are really happy!  I'm like pissed cause WE ARE REALLY HAPPY.  And like I enjoy being happy.  I'm pissed that despite what we've been through we are doing GREAT, and now this bullshit is yet again raining on my damn parade.  

I LOVE my job guys!  I LOVE what I do.  Hi, my name is Kelly and I love what I do.  Ryan loves his job!  Kids are great!
 
We have super great babysitters right now and I don't know what we'd do without them.  #BLESSED #SOGRATEFUL

I know that I will learn from this.  I hope that others can too. But I think that laws need to change.  

So when I was younger I had this boy that broke my heart.  It sucked so bad and felt like forever for me to get over him. I went to Garth Brooks and he sang unanswered prayers and it gave me the chills.  I am so grateful that my heart has been broken.  I can emphasize with a lot of women.  I remember the pain.  When I couldn't get pregnant I learned what that pain felt like...when I lost Colum... And now I am learning a new pain.  I will learn things from this horrible experience.  I can emphasize with other women.  I feel strong.


This was not in our life plan.  


This can happen to any ordinary person.

 
   

7 comments:

  1. Kelly, you are so right this can happen to anyone at anytime, very scary.
    I hope you find some peace. Can you post a picture of the triplets some time, would love to see how big they are!
    Donna , NY

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  2. I'm convinced that only those of us that have been through the deepest, most intense garbage can truly appreciate the sweetness and love that life has to offer. Who can we write to or call to express how furious we are that this asshole might walk and live any sort of life, while your baby only gets to live on in his family's hearts? Activism is HARD and we will be right by your side! xo

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  3. I have not been through the pain you have but I am so proud of you. You are the best Mom. There are a lot of us who are by your side and care so much. I so wish you didn't have the battle to fight but I'm confident you will do it well. I agree with what Sauna has said. It's hard but you are not alone.

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  4. Your experiences may have happened because you are an ordinary person. But my young friend...who you have become is nothing less than extraordinary. I'm glad you are happy but it does make me mad too that you have to still deal with the legal system regarding the individual who made such horrible decisions that will effect your life forever. But you are strong. You can do whatever you make up your mind to do. I love your updates. I love the fight you have in you now to take a stand and to be an activist. I love your cute family and that you've found a way to be happy again.

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  5. Kelly,I am the lady who got up and left that court room. My name is Amy.Thomas is my father and very much-needed friend.I am not going to say I know how you feel. Only you know your own pain from this experience.
    However I too lost a son and have felt the pain everyday since.And my decisions and coping skills or ways to kill the pain are either all "wrong" or very scarce. I want to apologize for getting up and leaving that day.I was selfish and disrespectful. I hope you can accept my apology.My heart was broken and I didn't know what else to do.My father is far from perfect. BUT HE IS STILL MY Dad.I hope you can find peacefully in this world.My Dad wouldn't ever intentionally hurt a baby.He is not a monster not in my eyes anyways. He is the one who has to deal with the guilt and remorse of taking Columns life and the damage done to the rest of your family.He is the one I run to when the loss of life is consuming me.And that is why I ran out of the court room that day. I am again sorry for the disrespect shown that day .I was wrong. My father taught me more then that.Thank you for listening. Amy

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  6. Correction; I hope you find peace in this world.

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