::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

6.28.2016

Roller Coasters

Colum turns 6 years old tomorrow.  I should be getting ready for his party.  I should be scrambling to get all the ingredients ready to make his Birthday cake.  He should have just finished kindergarten and would be going into first grade. June this year has been hard for me.

I am opening up my own tiny brow studio (it's called the BrowHive).  It's a little tricky getting everything ready when you have three 2 year olds.  In preparation today I took all 4 kids to the Health Department with me, but before that I spontaneously took the 4 kids and I to Macaroni Grill.  I used to not take them out alone because my anxiety levels get so high, my clothes are sopping wet from the sweat from the panic attacks I'm keeping at bay, and it's just too much.  Why am I like that?  Is it because if anything happened to anyone I'd go crazy?  Yup.

I've gotten better.  An older lady walked up to our table of 5 brunettes & pasta and said, "you have such well behaved children".  I thanked her and Wren immediately starts babbling about her cane.  The kind woman jokes that the reason she has a cane is because she's an old woman.  I hesitate but say it anyways because I know Finn will if I don't, "Mommy used to have a cane too, Bird".  I smile to myself because my kids ARE really well behaved & it's not uncommon for us to be told that.  And thank God that they are for we are out numbered!  Rooting myself on is something that I do to myself quietly in my head.  We have triplets and we are doing it!, and we are doing it all on our own.

Finn asks me every year what we are going to do for Colum's Birthday.   I don't know, is my answer these days.  But all I really want to say is survive.  Last year I cried so much my eyes were swollen shut & purple and I was scheduled to work (in cosmetics mind you).  I contemplated not going.  I've noticed that I talk about him less and less.  I am so busy all the time and I am so tired that I just put everything aside.  Nobody really knows what this is really like.  The dates such as Birthdays, Holidays, and for our case Christmas and all those days in between. 

A lot of the people that I thought I could trust have turned out to be well...untrustworthy.  Sometimes the drama that people cause, well it literally blows my mind.  I know that sometimes people hurt other people because it makes them feel safe.  Why do people lie so much?  Why do grown people make up scenarios that didn't ever happen?  And when people don't have you or your family's best interests and lie/make up scenarios why would we want to be around you? 

 I hope that hurting us made you feel safe.  I hope you got everything you wanted.

Please leave us alone. 
 we have been hurt enough and are just wanting to survive.

 
we are not into roller coasters, especially those that we can control.

I feel like every time I get off one roller coaster I'm forced on to the next.  I just don't really want to be on ANY roller coasters anymore.  In fact I just want to skip the amusement parks all together.   For example, sometimes I stay on a roller coaster (the job I just quit) in hopes of being done with roller coasters all together (another job).  But it turns out it was just a different type of roller coaster.  I stood there and watched that roller coaster just coast on by without me.  Put me down for long walks on the beach.  Ferris wheels, nah I'm good I'd rather scrub toilets.  Smooth sailin' is all I want.  If there's rough waters aka drama/shitty people/man getting out of prison after they kill my son; we will just stay right here on the dock and eat a Popsicle. 

P.S. I haven't heard anything about the Thomas Ainsworth appeal.  I'm sorry I didn't update you all.  I just can't handle it you guys.  I can't take it on.  I haven't even called the Prosecutor.  I'm on my own little cloud of denial and it feels fine for now.  I just want smooth sailin' and for him to stay in there.  I can't break down right now I have small children.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET BABY COLUM!  I MISS YOU EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY!  I LIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU!!!

2.24.2016

Piano article

STEVEN KALAS:
When you lose a child, grieving is a lifelong experience
When our first child is born, a loud voice says, “Runners, take your marks!” We hear the starting gun and the race begins. It’s a race we must win at all cost. We have to win. The competition is called “I’ll race you to the grave.” I’m currently racing three sons. I really want to win. 
Not everyone wins. 
I’m here at the national meeting of Compassionate Friends, an organization offering support and resources for parents who lose the race. I’m wandering the halls during the “break-out” sessions. In this room are parents whose children died in car accidents. Over there is a room full of parents of murdered children. Parents of cancer victims are at the end of the hall. Miscarriages and stillbirths are grouped together, as are parents who have survived a child’s suicide. And so it goes. 
In a few minutes, I’m going to address Compassionate Friends. This is the toughest audience of my life. I mix with the gathering crowd, and a woman from Delaware glances at my name tag. Her name tag has a photo of her deceased son. My name tag is absent photos. 
“So … you haven’t … lost anyone,” she says cautiously. 
“My three sons are yet alive, if that’s what you’re asking me,” I say gently.
She tries to nod politely, but I can see that I’ve lost credibility in her eyes. She’s wondering who invited this speaker, and what on earth he could ever have to say to her. 
My address is titled “The Myth of Getting Over It.” It’s my attempt to answer the driving questions of grieving parents: When will I get over this? How do I get over this? 
You don’t get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate goal. An unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you. It changes your marriage. It changes the way birds sing. It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You are forever different. 
You don’t want to get over it. Don’t act surprised. As awful a burden as grief is, you know intuitively that it matters, that it is profoundly important to be grieving. Your grief plays a crucial part in staying connected to your child’s life. To give up your grief would mean losing your child yet again. If I had the power to take your grief away, you’d fight me to keep it. Your grief is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere inside you, you know that. 
The goal is not to get over it. The goal is to get on with it. 
Profound grief is like being in a stage play wherein suddenly the stagehands push a huge grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates the stage. No matter where you move, it impedes your sight lines, your blocking, your ability to interact with the other players. You keep banging into it, surprised each time that it’s still there. It takes all your concentration to work around it, this at a time when you have little ability or desire to concentrate on anything. 
The piano changes everything. The entire play must be rewritten around it. 
But over time the piano is pushed to stage left. Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright, and slowly, surely, you begin to find the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage it. Instead of writing every scene around the piano, you begin to write the piano into each scene, into the story of your life. 
You learn to play that piano. You’re surprised to find that you want to play, that it’s meaningful, even peaceful to play it. At first your songs are filled with pain, bitterness, even despair. But later you find your songs contain beauty, peace, a greater capacity for love and compassion. You and grief — together — begin to compose hope. Who’da thought?
ur grief becomes an intimate treasure, though the spaces between the grief lengthen. You no longer need to play the piano every day, or even every month. But later, when you’re 84, staring out your kitchen window on a random Tuesday morning, you welcome the sigh, the tears, the wistful pain that moves through your heart and reminds you that your child’s life mattered. 
You wipe the dust off the piano and sit down to play.

2.12.2016

Pissed cause I'm happy

So I've been meaning to get on here and express that I've calmed down.

Most hours I'm calm...surprisingly calm and then suddenly I.AM.PISSED.

But I mean, for the most part we are doing really great.  Ryan is of course doing much better than me because I think he's the best at most things.  

I just don't understand.  

I don't understand that his Mom got up during sentencing while I FINALLY got to read my pain.  I MEAN WE ALL HEARD THE ONE LADY WITH HER NOISES OF DISGUST, STOMPING FEET, AND THE SLAMMING OF THE DOORS. I MEAN I GUESS SHE WANTS HER DAD TO BE OUT OF PRISON BUT LIKE, I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO DESIGN MY CHILD'S HEADSTONE WITH CHRISTMAS DAY AS HIS DAY OF DEATH...IDK.  EVEN 11 DAYS POST GIVING BIRTH TO TRIPLETS, READING MY PAIN, YUP, I HEARD YA. BUT I DIDN'T HEAR THE QUIET STEPS OF HIS MOTHER. QUIET STEPS HIDE FROM THE TRUTH AND THE LOUD ONES DENY IT.

I am trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to have the time to become an activist.  I'm scared about juggling another ball right now.  But I'm slowly learning more as I go.  I promise I will try.

We are really happy!  I'm like pissed cause WE ARE REALLY HAPPY.  And like I enjoy being happy.  I'm pissed that despite what we've been through we are doing GREAT, and now this bullshit is yet again raining on my damn parade.  

I LOVE my job guys!  I LOVE what I do.  Hi, my name is Kelly and I love what I do.  Ryan loves his job!  Kids are great!
 
We have super great babysitters right now and I don't know what we'd do without them.  #BLESSED #SOGRATEFUL

I know that I will learn from this.  I hope that others can too. But I think that laws need to change.  

So when I was younger I had this boy that broke my heart.  It sucked so bad and felt like forever for me to get over him. I went to Garth Brooks and he sang unanswered prayers and it gave me the chills.  I am so grateful that my heart has been broken.  I can emphasize with a lot of women.  I remember the pain.  When I couldn't get pregnant I learned what that pain felt like...when I lost Colum... And now I am learning a new pain.  I will learn things from this horrible experience.  I can emphasize with other women.  I feel strong.


This was not in our life plan.  


This can happen to any ordinary person.

 
   

1.12.2016

clarification part 2



*The first thing I'd like to address is the alleged cell phone drop.  At the scene Thomas Randall Ainsworth told officers that he had dropped his cell phone on the floor and was reaching for it and this was the reason he lost control of his vehicle.

Well during his sentencing it was revealed that:


 his cell phone was actually found in the center console of his vehicle.  

KSL is still reporting that he claims to drop his cell phone.  Why aren't they reporting the real facts of the case?  I'm gonna repeat it again just so you can hear me:


his cell phone was actually found in the center console of his vehicle  

was he just so high that the 'drop' was a hallucination...???

I know that if you are awake for a few days straight hallucinations can happen!  

So he either LIED OR HE HALLUCINATED from being HIGH ON AN ILLEGAL FREAKING SUBSTANCE!!!

He was driving 78 mph & his foot never came off the gas pedal people!

**Let it be known that when these accidents happen they do a toxicology report.  Blood is drawn and sent into labs where toxicologists test it.  These tests actually take 6-8 weeks to be sent back.  The toxicologists can actually pinpoint if he was actually "high" on Meth or not at the time of the accident.  There are active substances found in the blood and they can pinpoint his usage within hours.  It does stay in your system for 1-3 days after your last usage in a urine test but a blood test is more accurate.  

So HE WAS ACTUALLY HIGH ON METH WHEN HE HIT US.

Why is this not made clear to people?  If you read the comments from yesterday's article here, you will read that a lot of people truly believe he wasn't even high.  This infuriates me to the core!  People are commenting that the appeal was approved because he wasn't high.  I can no longer comment on said article apparently there is a limit that I reached.  

He hit us on 12/24/2011.  His warrant for his arrest wasn't until 3/20/2012.  Why did it take so long to arrest him you ask?  Because the toxicology report takes a freaking long time and then they had to build a case against him.  We assumed he was drunk for nearly 3 months.  We didn't get ANY answers for 3 long horrible months!!!  Just imagine.

And remember this little gem: *His Mom called the prosecutor a few days before the sentencing saying that he reminded her she'd given him some Sudafed (Christmas Eve) and that this was all her fault.  So basically he put all of this horrible tragedy on her shoulders.  He thought he'd tell his Mom it was the Sudafed...cause he knows that there is an ingredient in Sudafed that Meth cooks use to make Meth out of.  His Mom believed him too.  


***The state of Utah had tried to rehabilitate him at least 6 times.  It was documented that one of the times he didn't show up for detox he told his probation officer that he wouldn't go because, "he didn't want to be in there with all the drunks and heroine addicts".  Many many failed urine tests where before taking them he said he was clean and upon failing them he would admit his use.

Here's my problem 6 times!  Yes, people make mistakes.  People deserve 2nd chances... but do they deserve 7 chances?  How about 27 chances?  After all the chances he's been given he still continues to get out and act like a criminal.  

****He had no insurance!  He had no insurance and it was never held against him.  To the courts and the law this wasn't a big enough deal to prosecute him for.  But it was a big deal to us.  Did you know that I used to have really great credit?  Now, I can't even look at it because I get so upset.  This effects us significantly.  I still owe people money.  I've lost count to how many times I've been sent to collections.  I need a knee replacement.  We need therapy, a lot of therapy.  But we can't afford it and we'd have to take time off of work to get it.  Ryan still needs physical therapy but we can't afford it, and he can't take time off of work to get it even if we could.  It's a hopeless feeling that we fight daily.

*****And lastly why is it that he be punished equally for being impaired on an illegal substance vs a legal substance?  Why is it that killing somebody while impaired is only a 3rd degree felony?   It may be too late for us.  But I'm passionate about making a change.

In about 60-90 days there will be a hearing.  I'm asking all of you for support.  I'm asking for bodies to be present.  I'm asking for signage, social media, and vocal support.  Please let's share ideas on how we can make an impact and just maybe get this law changed for all of us.  Please share!

clarification part 1


Thomas Randall Ainsworth appealed his conviction and it was approved.  He pled guilty but reserved his right to appeal.

If you want to read the opinion of the appeal click here.

I spoke with our prosecutor this morning and she explained to me what I am going to attempt to explain to all of you now.  Please forgive me if I use incorrect terms etc, I promise to do my best.

Thomas Randall Ainsworth was found guilty of 3 2nd degree felonies for impaired driving causing serious bodily injury &/or death.  His sentence was 3-45 years spent consecutively.  (Consecutive sentences are served one after the other.  Concurrently is the other option which means he could serve all three at the same time.)

His attorneys argued it unconstitutional because if somebody driving under the influence of let's say alcohol causes serious bodily injury or death would only get 3rd degree felony(ies).  Automobile homicide is actually a 3rd degree felony.  I think a lot of people were confused as to why he wasn't charged with automobile homicide in the first place and it's actually a lesser charge.

The Appeals Court approved his appeal.  

So now what?

So now the appeal is being appealed.  Now we wait to see if the Utah Supreme Court will accept the appeal or not.  From what I understand we will know in 60 days and if they accept it then we wait an additional 30 days and more hearings will take place.

If they don't accept it then there will be another sentencing since all 3 of his 2nd degree felonies will be reduced to 3rd degree felonies.  His sentence will be reduced from 3-45 years per felony to 0-15 years per felony and the good news is that the will stay consecutive (they tried to get it changed to concurrent during the appeal process and didn't win that battle).  

It's important to take note that his sentence was consecutive and not concurrent.  This is determined during sentencing, which is the only time the judge can take his criminal past into consideration.  

If/when there is another sentencing then Ryan and I will be allowed to speak.  We would love all the support, people there, signs, etc to be present that day.