::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Confessions and Lessons

I've learned a lot about myself since going back to work.  I've also learned a lot about other people.  I don't know if I was oblivious before (probably) but people seem different.  The entire human race seems different now and my eyes are wide open.  Is it a new super power?  the secret that only Mom's with Angel Babies know perhaps? or my brain and soul actually noticing more since I have been away in the stay at home mom world/grieving world/triplet mom world/grieving triplet mom world/Finn's freckles' world???  But something is different and I like it a lot.  Maybe I've come back to life?

One thing I've learned is that there's people out there that just HATE YOU.  You ask why do you hate me?  Do I need to apologize to you for something I did?  There are no wrong answers, please tell me what did I do?

And they say nothing.  'Oh oh oh nothing, we love you.'  But not 1 hour or 2 days later there it is a big neon sign flashing in your face that yes, indeed these people hate you, your instincts are correct.  There's a full on hate club happening...you knew about the one, you suspected the one but then that hate club converted more and started a 2nd sector or maybe there already was a 2nd sector and they met up to exchange hateful stories to spread in hoping to convert more hate club members.  

Haters gonna Hate

It's funny.  How many times I've trusted people, let them in, showed them around, been the REALEST REAL me and then they hate me.  It makes me question myself, but then I remember that this is not my problem and none of my business.  I'm not gonna feed it.no never feed that monster.  It's their insecurities not mine.  

I remember lying in my hospital bed and thinking the good thing that will come out of all this is that nothing will bother me ever again.  How could anything get to me after this?  Guess what, shoot, things still get to me.  But since I've experienced my worst, I think I have a better perspective on what really matters.  

So I'm writing a list, confessions of sorts, lessons I've learned, things I know for sure.  Just so I don't forget.  And please add your confessions/lessons/things you know-in a comment below!  This list will probably double by the end of the year.

Okay here we go (rubbing palms together):

1) I've learned that I sub-consciously think of things I'm grateful for in my mind all day long.  Whenever, I start to even feel a hint of jealousy, fear, or sadness I immediately do this and it automatically makes me happy.  I think of my family a lot and it makes me happy.  It gets me out of those gray areas my mind likes to go sometimes.

2) I've learned that I need Sundays off.  I need Sundays to do nothing but hang out with my family.  I need that to survive the week.  

3) I've learned (over and over and over again) to follow my instincts.  I'm still learning to trust my gut.STILL!

4) I've officially learned that if your friend's husband/boyfriend hates you.  Like you can feel the hate coming out of his pores, then most likely that friend isn't your real friend.  You neither see nor speak to husband/boyfriend and he hates you.  The only exception is if you know 'why' they hate you.  You ask the wife/girlfriend "hey does your Husband hate me, did I do something wrong?"  and they give you the old, "No, no, not at all he loves you".  She's not your friend cause said friend is talking a lot of shit about you to said husband/boyfriend.  These are not my people-move on.  This has happened to me a few times.

5) Thinking positive, being positive, and looking for the positive turns into a big fat positive!

6) I've learned that every time I see other humans, mostly women, I consciously try to find something beautiful about them whether it be their outfit, their smile, the twinkle in their eyes.  I try to look for the good.

7) Sometimes I'm too much for people.  

8) I feel strong, I think I'm really tough without a doubt.  But I'm also weak and very vulnerable.

9) If somebody lies to me several times after only knowing them a short while, I will never believe anything they say after that.  I don't understand why people lie about dumb shit.

10) The people that know me the best know that I cuss like a freaking sailor.  I'm a cusser you guys and it's not going away.  But cussing makes me feel better.  (They've done studies).

11) I fall in love with people fast!  Once I've loved somebody it's hard to fall out of love, there will always be love in my heart for people even if we no longer speak or they've hurt me in some way.

12) I LOVE TO LAUGH.  If you make me laugh I love you.  I love laughing really really hard.  That's my million dollars.  Laughing is priceless.

13) I am imperfect.

14) When I'm hurt it can come across as anger.  And I cry when I'm mad.  Kinda backwards.

15) For me if a person is beautiful on the outside but not on the inside, I don't look at them as pretty.  I usually don't know how I feel about a person's beauty until I get to know them.  For me you HAVE to be pretty on the inside first and then I'll notice your exterior.

16) I'm not a jealous person.  I used to be when I was young, but I've retrained my brain to not be.

17) I'm an insecure person.  I'm self-concious as hell.  But then half the time I don't care.

18) When I'm 50+ I really wanna rock my gray hair.  I love when I see women rocking their gray!  I think they are strong, brave, real, and beautiful.

19) I don't play mind games.  And I'm not fluent on passive-aggressiveness.  I'm a communicator.  I'm REAL.

I love them!  They are 18 months and 1 day here.

Got them all dressed up and went on a walk yesterday.  Holland, Wren, & Dale in order...Dale will NOT keep her bows in.

I had a rare quiet moment alone with Colum & Del Taco on Sunday.  My girls are now older than their big brother.  It feels like I'm leaving him behind.  It was painful and then add other outside crap on top of that, let's just say I barely made it through this week.

Love this!  


Tomorrow and the next day

I'm pretty sure it's pretty obvious why I haven't written a post for so long.  I am officially the busiest person I know.  I mean there's probably busier but I'm up there hanging on a thread right there with 'em.  But I still think it's easier to work btw, (subject to change).

Tomorrow is kinda a hard and sad anniversary/coincidence of sorts.  Tomorrow my Holland, Wren, and Dale will be the exact same age as Colum that Christmas Eve we were hit.  And then the next day as you all probably know will be the day we took him off life support....on Christmas.  I wish I was a planner ahead-er and would have scheduled these next two days off of work, but I didn't.  So my plan B was to get all my crazies out yesterday and today.  

I'm constantly thinking about it.  Every single minute today especially.  Today is the day before anniversary.  The day that I had no idea I wouldn't be wiping my own bum for a while and so on.  The ordinary or semi-ordinary  getting ready for Christmas day...everything I have done today, every time they hold on to my finger, lay their head on my shoulder, point and jabber away at nothing, I'm wondering if he did these things that day before.  

They are passing up their big brother, whose short precious little life ended abruptly and technically twice.  Their mysterious brother whom their mom will be randomly crying for throughout the rest of their lives.  This sibling with the golden hair.  I wish I could stop time for a little while and live right here with them for just a couple of weeks.  They all have pieces of him in them and then at the same time not at all.

I've literally tried to make the crying start so I can get it out but I'm just so busy.  So I had to write it out right now and make my eyes rain instead of trying to get a million things around the house done.  I HATE CRYING IN PUBLIC along with the rest of you.  So if anyone happens to read this between now and Thursday please send good vibes my way so I don't lose my shit at work.

At work I've seen a lot of old clients trickle through and it literally makes me so happy every.single.time.  A lot has changed between us and it's so great to catch up.  I really want to write what it's really like working in cosmetics.  Would that be interesting?  It's pretty interesting to me.  

My babies all have hair now, I was scrolling through old pics the other day and cannot believe how bald they were.  I'm pretty sure I haven't cut Finn's hair since like August and he doesn't want me to cut it.  He's in first grade, loves his teacher, and can basically full on read now!  I'm dying to buy him all the Harry Potter books and read them together!!!!!  I mean they will basically be used at least 3 more times cause I'm convinced they will all get the love for Harry Potter gene from their Mom.  And if they don't I won't be able to deal I will support that decision until they come into their real selves.

Finn and his friend Cameron.  We the parents are hoping they can be ski/snowboard buddies in a few years.  And yes, that's Finn posing and I love it and laugh every time cause he's not really a poser...and I totally support poses.

Holland and I sitting in my brow chair at work.  I'm clocked out hence the coat.

Dale trying to escape and Wren crying at my work...again clocked out.

Us at the park.  For some reason I'm obsessed with this picture.  It shows all their personalities!

A screenshot of Ryan's snapchat.  I love love love them!

I had freckles when I was little & hated them.  Now I just can't seem to get enough.  He's since gotten more since this photo was taken.  Oh and his lashes!  He's the prettiest boy I tell ya.

I rented skiis and thought it'd be a grand idea to take Finn snowboarding.  Ummm bad idea I don't know how to ski let alone teach him to snowboard.  Luckily we had a friend to help a little so I didn't freak out.  (Thanks Brian)  He refused to take a lesson yesterday cause he "didn't want to write about it again in his weekend news at school"...uh, okay.

This is usually what is happening when I leave for work.  This day was 1982 Annie and Pumpkin Bread.

This was just yesterday.  We probably pissed a lot of people off cause we shopped most the store like this.  A lot of "what cute boys" comments.  Funny how people thought my boys were "such pretty girls" whilst dressed like Lightning McQueen and Spiderman.  (We always forget the bows, probably because they just try to eat them and get lost).  Note to self: cut off their mullets...again.