::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Vacation fr0m our pr0bl3ms

My babies turned 20 months old 2 days ago 6 days ago.  I hate it.  I've willed it to stop.  But nature always wins.  I tell Finn I'm going to call his Dr and get that pill to put in his Doritos without him knowing.  It will keep him from growing and he will stay in 1st grade forever.  "No Mom, no!  I need to keep growing up".  I say, "Finn just think how good you'll be at 1st grade.  You will be a 1st grade all-star...a professional 1st grader".  "You're lying Mom".  Poor kid, both his parents are the youngest and so we tease and tease him.  He's paying for what our older siblings did to us and it's just not fair...but it will make him stronger ha.  

Right now you guys I'm sitting in front of a large window overlooking a river on a brown leather chair.  I'm not even lying.  I think my OCD is in full affect though + the girls are napping + Ryan and Finn are fishing.  I don't have Jack Nicholson via As Good As It Gets OCD, I have A.D.D. mixed with obsessive, perfectionist, party person behavior.  Is there a name for this?  Is every one like this?  Sometimes I wonder if Ryan thinks I need to be on medication for this.  But honestly, I am on a vacation from my problems.  I'm relearning how to relax...cause I can't anymore, it's lost somewhere and I'm bound to find it right?  Writing is relaxing and therapeutic to me.  I'm in my happy place.

My girls are talking.  Sometimes they speak so clearly but then I never hear them say it again and it feels like I imagined it all (scary).  

Holland.  She's our fastest/earliest walker (13 months).  She could live on my lap.  She literally runs up to me (on her two 6" little legs) with her arms open wide wanting hugs.  She's the most cuddly of the bunch.  Momma's girl.big.time.  She loves balls.  Always has one.  Always wants you to throw it.  She's pretty amazing at throwing it aim wise.  She's farther ahead physically than her sisters.  She still will give me kisses sometimes.  She used to be the heaviest and now is the smallest.  She's a shorty bless her heart.  I'm praying she gets to be at least 5'2 (my height), I think it's unfair and cruel to not be as tall as your Mom.  Yes, my Mom is taller than me.  She looks like a 6 month old that runs.  She has dainty everything and a button nose.  She's a heavy mouth breather like Colum and she has his lips.  She's the one who wants to run straight into the river.  I pray she doesn't become a professional skydiver...I pray none of them do, I'd definitely need some prescriptions then.

Wren.  Wren is quite simply an old soul.  I hate to admit it but she may be a Daddy's girl.  She usually just lets Holland and Dale fight over me, while she quietly plays or gets into something she's not supposed to.  She's smart.  She's motherly.  She has a unique language that's a little mumbly and very fast.  She frequently says "huh" and "yeah", like she's 45 years old.  I think that her and Dale have 'Pack' bodies.  They have skinny legs and arms and I adore it and hoped for it.  They resemble Finn a lot to me...like they are gonna get freckles and I'm beyond thrilled.  Their eyelashes you guys!  All 3 have thick dark lashes, luckies!  But I think they inherited 'the wide'.  'The wide' aka 'The Jacob Wide' is big block feet and really high insteps.  Jacob is my maiden name and Ryan named the condition himself.  Colum had the wide also, I'm thinking Finn got lucky.  It's a very strong gene.  Shoe stretchers are gonna be their best friends as they are mine also.  

Dale.  She's an optimist.  She says the most words.  She's finally walking about a week after Wren started.  She's the heaviest and a frequent pooper.  She's basically a poopin' machine...I guess they all are but her machine is like a well oiled machine.  She constantly says "it's okay" to her sisters if they get hurt or are crying.  She's been saying "K" after anything you say to her and it kills me.  She's not a snuggle bunny but more territorial.  Holland and her literally battle for my lap like it's a small island.  She gives the biggest smiles and I love her positivity.  Oh and when she dances it lights me up inside.  She usually dances sitting down and just shakes her body with her arms pressed tightly to her body.  It's everything.  They are my everything.

Finn.  He's obsessed with baseball.  He watches baseball games on tv now.  He loves people.  It's tough watching him learn some hard lessons about feeling left out or not being the best at everything, but I remind myself it will just make him stronger.  He's very VERY very chatty.  He starts chatting the minute he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed.  I'm not sure if he does this in school or not, but one of my clients told me that I would have heard from the teacher by now if he was.  No news is good news I guess.  We are going out of town just us and the kids and are seriously contemplating ear plugs. He just wants to be good, he IS good.  He likes having long hair, and never wants to cut it.  He's got great style and I'm proud.  He adores and dotes on those babies so much.  They all love him and smile and laugh constantly with them.  He's starting to mention more often how much he misses Colum and how great it would be to have a little brother to play outside with.  It breaks my heart.  It breaks both our hearts.

I'm starting to be more okay with Colum not being here.  Quite simply because I would've never had my daughters.  People have pointed that out to me before and I begrudgingly accepted it but I can see the big picture more clearly now.  I get angry about what happened to us when my body hurts, when a surgeon tells me I'm most likely gonna need a knee replacement or when any medical bill comes in the mail from different Dr's.  Nothing against the Dr's, they worked really hard and deserve to get paid.  I just want it all to go away and it's always there.  When we bought our new house I couldn't be on the loan because low and behold there was a $200k lean against me from the hospital that I was completely clueless about.  I let it escape my mind for the most part because everytime I think about it I get this angry feeling I'm talking about.  But it's being taken care of.  It needs to disappear.  Something's wrong with my thyroid again.  I'm not overeating and I look and feel like a sausage.  Had my blood drawn and one the tests came back and somethings wrong.  I've been so stressed about so many things...Maybe the magic from the river will cure me!  Praying for magic for myself and all of you!!!

I can't imagine my life just the way it is though, I have it pretty good.

P.S. I forgot my mouse so no pictures.

P.P.S. I decided against emojis on the blog.  What if I get sick of them and they are stuck here forever?  You will have to decipher for yourselves if I'm joking or not.  When in doubt I probably am though.  I'm hoping to write a lot this week, I'm so happy right now, I get to hang out with my very own family<--cheesy but true!


  1. So glad you get some family time! :)

  2. What a great, positive post! Such fun descriptions of your kids. We call ours "Flintstone Feet." You sound like you're in a much stronger place now. So happy for you. Have a great time!

  3. Be careful with the teasing. I still remember some things my mother said to me in sarcasm or teasing and I took literally as a child. She put mental pictures in my mind that are still upsetting to me today. Finn has been through enough without worrying that he might not get to grow up.

  4. So glad to see your new post. The kids sound just delicious. I hope you can find your 'spot' (couldn't think of what else to call it). You are amazing to me. I think of Colum often and I'm glad you're 'beginning to be OK'. The girls sound like so much fun. I'm not good with words but I'm crying because you sound a bit better and you're so in love with your children. Finn is so smart. Who would want to stay in 1st grade forever. He's got your number! Have a wonderful time and just keep practicing the 'chill mode'. You'll get it!

  5. I'm glad you got to get away too. It's hard to reconcile loss. When my husband died (and it's nothing like losing a child), I tried to move forward but it was really hard. Then when my son married his darling wife and had their son, my grandson, I realized that if my husband was still here, they wouldn't be with me. They live with me and literally saved me from....I'm not sure what, but I'll bet it wouldn't have been good. Sweet blond beautiful Colum lives in your heart and is forever yours. You will always miss and love him as he does you, too. And the BILLS!! Honestly....what a pain. I was disagnosed with breast cancer in September, many many tests, 2 surgeries, 4 weeks of daily radiation. I counted 29 doctor or hospital visits. I still get bills and think to my self, self....did you pay that one already? Another one...you're kidding. How can that be?? I'm like you. For the first 3 months (and you probably waited even longer), I didn't even open the envelopes. I didn't care. I just wanted to not be so scared so ignored the bills. But those folks are not one bit patient (that's an oxymoron - the hospital not being patient with their patients) so eventually, I get them paid. Thyroid issues are tough. I had mine killed because mine was hyper (Graves Disease). I have to take a Pill every day for the rest of my life. I could eat a horse and never gain a pound but then afterward, I'd eat a breadcrumb and gain 5 pounds. OCD?ADD?? I'm thinking it's just being a mother and wanting the very best for your children. I wish I had a little more of the OCD/ADD....I can waste more time than any one I know doing absolutely nothing productive. I can't believe your girls are 20 months...WOW. And Finn, he is getting so big. My Grandson just turned 5 and that is a hard one to swallow. I'm glad you are doing well and relaxing (I hope). Enjoy the summer months. I love your posts.

  6. What a wonderful post to read. Reading about each of your children made me smile. I was hoping for some pictures at the bottom. Maybe next time. :) (oo sorry that's going to be stuck in your comment section forever.) Anyway, like everyone else has said it's nice to see you so happy. Praying you get answers for your thyroid and continue to be in a good spot.

  7. Great hearing from you and about the family :) Try to relax (as much as you can with the kids!) and enjoy. I am similar, XY and Z have to be done before I can chill. And only after dinner. ( I think that comes from having twins and son, only time I COULD relax was after they were in bed.) Take care.

  8. Kelly I haven't commented for months, but for some reason tonight I am, I love you guys I'm a good friend of Brandy and Gina Yates Lowell and Emily Yates kids, I am so excited to hear that your family is doing great, it sounds like the girls are learning something new everyday, and Finn I love him also I can't wait to see pictures of the girls lady keep up the great job...

  9. I keep thinking about you and your family. I hope you all are doing well and thriving with each other.

  10. I know you are not posting here anymore, but I am so sorry for the newest information in the news regarding the person that hit you. Unbelievable.