::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Out of Order

When I tell people that I have 1 year old triplets at work every single person about falls off the chair.  A big part of me gets a kick out of it.  But I don't tell them the other part of me, I don't usually get into that part, I try not to.  

It's funny because it's part of my introduction sometimes.  Like that's the big thing about me is that I have triplets.  But it's not.  It's just a small part, it's my happy ending.

I'm extremely overwhelmed and under a lot of stress.  But, honestly all I really want to do is laugh and have fun.  

But the loss of Colum is always underneath every other emotion I'm experiencing at all times.  
I'm literally exhausted from it.  

Every single day I'm still struggling.  

But guess what? it's normal. This is what the grieving people mean by getting used to their "new-normal".  I't always there, it's not just getting used to him being gone.  

Recently, a very close family member wrote us a letter.  In this letter she casually wrote that our tragedy affects us (me) too much (along with some other hurtful stuff).  She lost her Husband and the way she copes is by "keeping busy".  In her defense I know she was trying her hardest to be kind.  At first, I was angry.  Then I was hurt.  Or maybe it was the other way around, or maybe I still am sometimes.

Ummmmmmmmm, does she think we are not BUSY?
  (insert: hands on both sides of my head, jaw dropped, eyes wide, head shaking(this is what people with adrenal fatigue do instead of merely scratching their heads)).  

Note:this letter was a result of some very seriously, ridiculous, horrible, and hurtful bullshit!  And I still love this family member and plan to move forward in the future.  

Note:I am pretty darn sure I have nor have ever been perfect.  I may have foot in mouth disease, or some un-discovered personality disorder (& hopefully when it's discovered I will be the poster child for it.  Kinda like Suzanne Sommers and bio-identical hormones but for crazies instead of hormones), who the hell knows?.  =just know that I love you.

Note:We don't throw little Birthday parties and have huge Colum celebrations.  I'm just not that way.  We are just not that way.  And I guarantee there's a Pinterest for it too!  Grieving mother's angel baby party boards and I think it's fantastic! And, I guess I just expect them to assume and be psychic about how much we are hurting and still miss him and talk about him and fantasize about him still being here every single day still.  

I don't like to compare losses, I don't think it's fair and quite simply judgmental.    It's like comparing apples to treadmills except those apples and treamills have feelings.

Losing a child is out of order.  It's not natural, and it doesn't go away.  You can't fix it or us.  Ryan and I are doing the best we can. And that my friends is all we can do.  In case you're not understanding...WE DON'T WANT IT TO AFFECT US EVEN MORE THAT YOU DON'T WANT IT TO EFFECT US.  <---notice I used both affects/effects.

I live my life for Colum. 

Colum, is my son.  Colum, momma STILL misses you.  I live my life for you. I love you.

Physically 24/7 We are reminded of the whole thing.  Ya know I always think I'm gonna get on here and write about my possible upcoming surgeries and how I got a cortisol shot 2 weeks ago cause the PA of the new Orthopedic Surgeon my insurance covers completely disagrees with old surgeon with taking the metal out of my legs.  In November you guys I couldn't walk for 3 f*&^ing days!  And how Ryan quietly and suddenly stopped wearing his brace a month ago and I have mixed feelings about it.  Whole 'nother stories...I don't write about the physical stuff, the only thing I really want to write about is Colum, because this is where I feel most comfortable saying his name and admitting how I'm feeling.  RIGHT HERE!  

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME GRIEVE OUT LOUD RIGHT HERE ON THE INTERNET.  I have to go play with my tinies now.  Oh I could write a book about them, I promise I will soon.

P.S. Why did Diaper Genie make a mini model without the foot pedal & a hard to open lid?  Oh...I know they made it for people with 7 hands & love to take out the garbage. -Ry accidentally ordered it, bless his heart he felt so bad.  It's half the size we are used to and holds like 5 diapers.  Diaper Genies are really important to us.  

P.P.S.  I need to download the Emoji app for my computer.   This thing is still running like a champ and at 6+ years old.  Thank you Apple.  I love Emojis, I do.  Who's with me?


  1. Everyone has feelings and they aren't wrong. No one can tell you how to feel. I guess I want you to know I've read your post and I like your honesty and admire you putting your feelings out here. We're listening and we're not judging. God bless you.

  2. Love your blog and your honesty. How can any of us know how we would cope. You just have to do what you have to do. For your husband and your beautiful children. And for your angel son. Hugs from the UK x

  3. Keeping busy.....Hmmmm. I agree with you. I can't imagine someone knowing you and thinking for one minute you aren't "keeping busy." AND as if keeping busy will solve the world's problems, let alone solve the missing and longing for your beautiful boy. I'm sure it was well-meaning (maybe) but some people should not assume that keeping busy, forgetting about it, focusing on your other kids, keeping a normal schedule and normal life will suddenly make all those sad, lonely, heartbreaking feelings just drift away. Whatever happens to me or you won't be the same even if some of the circumstances are the same. I sometimes think people don't really know what to say so they say what pops into their heads as a way to "make it all better." I've had lots of strange advice and good advice in my life....I try to listen to those who really have a sense for what I'm going through or at least try to understand my perspective. You have a way with words...I'll be waiting for your book to come out!!

  4. I can't imagine that you ever just "get over" the loss of a child. Some people need to think before they speak (: no one can tell you how you are supposed to feel... We all react differently to every situation anyway. I hope your job is going good. Your kids are adorable... I love seeing pix of them!

  5. I am so sorry that someone felt the need to write you a letter. Everyone's journey, whether it be grief or special needs or just life, is theirs and theirs alone. And how dare ANYONE comment in any way on YOUR journey. Well done you for not imploding at the letter writer. You have way more strength than I would have been able to muster!

  6. Kelly, you are doing such a good job here, working it all out. And you're so close, even closer than you realize, to allowing that beautiful little boy's spirit to be truly free. Your mind knows it, but your heart has not accepted it. One day it will happen and you'll understand. A huge burden will be lifted from you and at last you will be truly present for your husband and your children. You are not betraying Colum by releasing him to Heaven, to the Universe, to be everywhere all at once. That's the best way I can explain it and I hope you understand. I pray you find that place sooner than I did, when it was my son. Sending love...

  7. Kelly, you are doing such a good job here, working it all out. And you're so close, even closer than you realize, to allowing that beautiful little boy's spirit to be truly free. Your mind knows it, but your heart has not accepted it. One day it will happen and you'll understand. A huge burden will be lifted from you and at last you will be truly present for your husband and your children. You are not betraying Colum by releasing him to Heaven, to the Universe, to be everywhere all at once. That's the best way I can explain it and I hope you understand. I pray you find that place sooner than I did, when it was my son. Sending love...

  8. I think you have always been honest and real and I love that about you! I really don't understand why people feel the need to tell others how to live their lives. I can not imagine the pain of loosing a child, but I do know that keeping busy has never made me feel better about my grief with the losses I have had in my life. Does this person have children?? I mean really having triplets is not busy enough, I would really like to know what busy is then. Maybe she means being a busy body like her :) Anyway I am not a gifted writter like you so I will quit rambling but I just want to say I think you are amazing!! Living life exactly as you should, loving your cute little family with all you have and doing it the best way you know how! Sending Love, Charlene

  9. I'm sure (well I hope) anyway that your relative's heart was in the right place, sad to you you still hurting, but it's too bad that people feel the need to try and "help" or "change" instead of just listen and hug and support. You're doing an amazing job and you're making C proud. Hang in there mama!

  10. No one can expect you to live a day without feeling the loss of your son. It is impossible. Losing a child is the worst pain anyone can experience. It is not the same as the loss of a husband. And while it helps us so much when life takes positive unexpected turns (like welcoming your beautiful girls!) it doesn't mean that we feel our loss any less. Your soul is scarred. The loss of Colum is of course all consuming to your thoughts all day every day. I have read your blog for years and have been amazed by you and your husband and the strength you have shown...not just to your readers, not just to Finn and your girls, but to your beautiful son watching over you every day. I know he is so proud of his mama. I'm a momastry fan and she always says, "Carry On Warrior" That's what you are doing, every day. Whenever I read your blog or see a picture of you I always think, "Colum's Mom" Your little guy is a part of you and will be forever.

  11. Isn't it always funny (really, it isn't funny) how other people think you should live YOUR life? They have all the answers on how you should feel. How you should act. How you should live.
    When in reality, all they are doing is avoiding living their own life. It is far easier to avoid your own shit if you are busy flinging it at someone else.
    Stay strong. Or don't. It's your life. Live it however the Hell you want to. <3

  12. Just keep busy? Is this woman completely off her rocker to suggest this to you?! Me thinks so. Hugs to you.

  13. I hate people who compare. You are the greatest, sweetest, most sincere, funny, talented....ughhh to people who judge and compare and make rude comments. Screw them. Ignore them. You are an awesome mom doing the very best you know how to do, and that is enough. However YOU want to grieve is the right way, the perfect way. I know Colum is with you always, just watching and smiling at your crazy busy life :)

  14. I've never understood someone telling someone else how they should FEEL. A few months before my 87 year old Grandma died she told me she never "got over" the death of her first child at 9 months old…..67 years before. That made sense to me because I'm a Mom. Our children are a part of us….more important to us than our arms and legs. That doesn't go away, ever. I'm amazed that you are able to go on and do all that you do even in spite of your pain.

  15. My husband lost his brother 31 years ago, his brother was 21 when he was killed. My hubby and his whole family, especially my MIL, still grieve for the loss of their son/brother. It never goes away. I see how profoundly it affected all of them, and I grieve right along with them, even though I never had the honor of meeting my Brother In Law. We talk about him all the time, we even have a room dedicated to him, (we call it Oscar's room). I am sorry someone tried to tell you to get over it, she truly doesn't "get it" and probably never will. Just wanted to send you some love and hugs and tell you, don't ever apologize for the way you feel or the way you grieve. <3

  16. My husband's uncle died almost 30 years ago, in his 20's. His grandmother still cries when they talk about him, I don't know how it would be possible not to! I met my husband 8 years ago and when I found out about his uncle, I would look at his grandmother and think "Wow, she lost her only son", it would hit me that she and her husband had lived through the worst possible nightmare a parent could possibly live through. I know she carries that loss with her everyday. Your son is a part of you and will be for the rest of your life, you should never have to apologize or justify that!

  17. You are amazing. I will never understand why people feel they have to say the things they do. This recently happened to me and I'm still in shot this family member would jeopardize our relationship because she couldn't keep her mouth out of my business. I have never experienced grief like you have experienced and even if I had I wouldn't expect you to grieve the same as me. I loved your post...your articulate way of expressing your feelings so perfectly. My fingers are pounding on the keyboard I'm so angry that someone would tell you your way of grieving is wrong. arrrrrrgggggg I hope you have a happy day. Bless you and your family for even functioning after all you've been though. P.S. I would love to come have you do my eye brows. Can you please email me where you work again. rsjablon@gmail.com Thanks

  18. Just read your blog, :( feel what ever you want for the rest of your life if need be. One thing is certain, your child is and will always be a part of you, your husband is not. He has his role, but when your child died a part of you died too. "Your family" member if she wants can find another husband, Colum can never be replace!!! Hugs from Tallahassee, Florida

  19. Well said!!!!!!!!!! It is a moment by moment, sometimes second by second life. Do NOT apologize for grieving. Its astounding how we all have grief and loss in our lives but don't always know how to support others in theirs. May God be with you!!

  20. Kelly, I read your blog right after your sweet son passed away and felt such an enormous amount of sadness for what happened to your family. I have always believed that losing a child would be the worst thing that could ever happen in life. Turns out I was right. I delivered my son this year who was stillborn. I know it's a different experience than yours, but I can imagine that our grief is similar. The grief of losing a child is such a sad and lonely experience. While everyone else has moved on, we are stuck in a dark and debilitating place. Months later, I can't imagine that anyone realizes that I think about him and am pained every single day that he is gone. I have heard some very well meaning, but nonetheless cruel, comments by family. How can anyone understand what we are feeling. While I hurt so much for you, I couldn't even grasp the pain you felt. Don't pay any mind to the people who tell you how to grieve. It is so completely different for everyone and every situation. After 2 miscarriages and losing our son, I have heard it all from people, and have really learned to not be offended (although sometimes people make so, SO hard). I think your doing wonderfully, and per her advice you are CERTAINLY keeping busy :)