::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Out of Order

When I tell people that I have 1 year old triplets at work every single person about falls off the chair.  A big part of me gets a kick out of it.  But I don't tell them the other part of me, I don't usually get into that part, I try not to.  

It's funny because it's part of my introduction sometimes.  Like that's the big thing about me is that I have triplets.  But it's not.  It's just a small part, it's my happy ending.

I'm extremely overwhelmed and under a lot of stress.  But, honestly all I really want to do is laugh and have fun.  

But the loss of Colum is always underneath every other emotion I'm experiencing at all times.  
I'm literally exhausted from it.  

Every single day I'm still struggling.  

But guess what? it's normal. This is what the grieving people mean by getting used to their "new-normal".  I't always there, it's not just getting used to him being gone.  

Recently, a very close family member wrote us a letter.  In this letter she casually wrote that our tragedy affects us (me) too much (along with some other hurtful stuff).  She lost her Husband and the way she copes is by "keeping busy".  In her defense I know she was trying her hardest to be kind.  At first, I was angry.  Then I was hurt.  Or maybe it was the other way around, or maybe I still am sometimes.

Ummmmmmmmm, does she think we are not BUSY?
  (insert: hands on both sides of my head, jaw dropped, eyes wide, head shaking(this is what people with adrenal fatigue do instead of merely scratching their heads)).  

Note:this letter was a result of some very seriously, ridiculous, horrible, and hurtful bullshit!  And I still love this family member and plan to move forward in the future.  

Note:I am pretty darn sure I have nor have ever been perfect.  I may have foot in mouth disease, or some un-discovered personality disorder (& hopefully when it's discovered I will be the poster child for it.  Kinda like Suzanne Sommers and bio-identical hormones but for crazies instead of hormones), who the hell knows?.  =just know that I love you.

Note:We don't throw little Birthday parties and have huge Colum celebrations.  I'm just not that way.  We are just not that way.  And I guarantee there's a Pinterest for it too!  Grieving mother's angel baby party boards and I think it's fantastic! And, I guess I just expect them to assume and be psychic about how much we are hurting and still miss him and talk about him and fantasize about him still being here every single day still.  

I don't like to compare losses, I don't think it's fair and quite simply judgmental.    It's like comparing apples to treadmills except those apples and treamills have feelings.

Losing a child is out of order.  It's not natural, and it doesn't go away.  You can't fix it or us.  Ryan and I are doing the best we can. And that my friends is all we can do.  In case you're not understanding...WE DON'T WANT IT TO AFFECT US EVEN MORE THAT YOU DON'T WANT IT TO EFFECT US.  <---notice I used both affects/effects.

I live my life for Colum. 

Colum, is my son.  Colum, momma STILL misses you.  I live my life for you. I love you.

Physically 24/7 We are reminded of the whole thing.  Ya know I always think I'm gonna get on here and write about my possible upcoming surgeries and how I got a cortisol shot 2 weeks ago cause the PA of the new Orthopedic Surgeon my insurance covers completely disagrees with old surgeon with taking the metal out of my legs.  In November you guys I couldn't walk for 3 f*&^ing days!  And how Ryan quietly and suddenly stopped wearing his brace a month ago and I have mixed feelings about it.  Whole 'nother stories...I don't write about the physical stuff, the only thing I really want to write about is Colum, because this is where I feel most comfortable saying his name and admitting how I'm feeling.  RIGHT HERE!  

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME GRIEVE OUT LOUD RIGHT HERE ON THE INTERNET.  I have to go play with my tinies now.  Oh I could write a book about them, I promise I will soon.

P.S. Why did Diaper Genie make a mini model without the foot pedal & a hard to open lid?  Oh...I know they made it for people with 7 hands & love to take out the garbage. -Ry accidentally ordered it, bless his heart he felt so bad.  It's half the size we are used to and holds like 5 diapers.  Diaper Genies are really important to us.  

P.P.S.  I need to download the Emoji app for my computer.   This thing is still running like a champ and at 6+ years old.  Thank you Apple.  I love Emojis, I do.  Who's with me?