::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Tomorrow and the next day

I'm pretty sure it's pretty obvious why I haven't written a post for so long.  I am officially the busiest person I know.  I mean there's probably busier but I'm up there hanging on a thread right there with 'em.  But I still think it's easier to work btw, (subject to change).

Tomorrow is kinda a hard and sad anniversary/coincidence of sorts.  Tomorrow my Holland, Wren, and Dale will be the exact same age as Colum that Christmas Eve we were hit.  And then the next day as you all probably know will be the day we took him off life support....on Christmas.  I wish I was a planner ahead-er and would have scheduled these next two days off of work, but I didn't.  So my plan B was to get all my crazies out yesterday and today.  

I'm constantly thinking about it.  Every single minute today especially.  Today is the day before anniversary.  The day that I had no idea I wouldn't be wiping my own bum for a while and so on.  The ordinary or semi-ordinary  getting ready for Christmas day...everything I have done today, every time they hold on to my finger, lay their head on my shoulder, point and jabber away at nothing, I'm wondering if he did these things that day before.  

They are passing up their big brother, whose short precious little life ended abruptly and technically twice.  Their mysterious brother whom their mom will be randomly crying for throughout the rest of their lives.  This sibling with the golden hair.  I wish I could stop time for a little while and live right here with them for just a couple of weeks.  They all have pieces of him in them and then at the same time not at all.

I've literally tried to make the crying start so I can get it out but I'm just so busy.  So I had to write it out right now and make my eyes rain instead of trying to get a million things around the house done.  I HATE CRYING IN PUBLIC along with the rest of you.  So if anyone happens to read this between now and Thursday please send good vibes my way so I don't lose my shit at work.

At work I've seen a lot of old clients trickle through and it literally makes me so happy every.single.time.  A lot has changed between us and it's so great to catch up.  I really want to write what it's really like working in cosmetics.  Would that be interesting?  It's pretty interesting to me.  

My babies all have hair now, I was scrolling through old pics the other day and cannot believe how bald they were.  I'm pretty sure I haven't cut Finn's hair since like August and he doesn't want me to cut it.  He's in first grade, loves his teacher, and can basically full on read now!  I'm dying to buy him all the Harry Potter books and read them together!!!!!  I mean they will basically be used at least 3 more times cause I'm convinced they will all get the love for Harry Potter gene from their Mom.  And if they don't I won't be able to deal I will support that decision until they come into their real selves.

Finn and his friend Cameron.  We the parents are hoping they can be ski/snowboard buddies in a few years.  And yes, that's Finn posing and I love it and laugh every time cause he's not really a poser...and I totally support poses.

Holland and I sitting in my brow chair at work.  I'm clocked out hence the coat.

Dale trying to escape and Wren crying at my work...again clocked out.

Us at the park.  For some reason I'm obsessed with this picture.  It shows all their personalities!

A screenshot of Ryan's snapchat.  I love love love them!

I had freckles when I was little & hated them.  Now I just can't seem to get enough.  He's since gotten more since this photo was taken.  Oh and his lashes!  He's the prettiest boy I tell ya.

I rented skiis and thought it'd be a grand idea to take Finn snowboarding.  Ummm bad idea I don't know how to ski let alone teach him to snowboard.  Luckily we had a friend to help a little so I didn't freak out.  (Thanks Brian)  He refused to take a lesson yesterday cause he "didn't want to write about it again in his weekend news at school"...uh, okay.

This is usually what is happening when I leave for work.  This day was 1982 Annie and Pumpkin Bread.

This was just yesterday.  We probably pissed a lot of people off cause we shopped most the store like this.  A lot of "what cute boys" comments.  Funny how people thought my boys were "such pretty girls" whilst dressed like Lightning McQueen and Spiderman.  (We always forget the bows, probably because they just try to eat them and get lost).  Note to self: cut off their mullets...again.


  1. I always seem to check your blog on just the right day! Anniversaries and birthdays will always be painful - no getting around that. Your children are all so beautiful and you and Ryan look so great. Thank you for sharing your story with the world! Gail

  2. It gets better, honest it does. I tended to separate time into two segments AD and BC, before and after our only son died. I can't tell you how long it took, but finally those certain days stopped having the sting they used to carry. Our son would want that, your Cullum would want that. Thanks for posting again and for the beautiful photos. Be happy.

  3. How wonderful to see and hear from you again! Your kids as gorgeous as ever and your words so wonderful to read. Hang in there and try to enjoy this time with the wee ones, they grow up so damned fast.

  4. I love the update...those anniversary type days will never be easy. Your children are so precious and beautiful. I can't imagine the BUSY you must have in your life, but I'm glad to see the smiles and those darling children so happy. Your Colum will be forever a part of your family and your life. The wishing that things were different must be so hard. I've never lost a child...only miscarriages...my husband passed away in 2008 but the last day he spent in our home was my birthday, the day I took him to the hospital. That day and the day he passed away were so awful. The thing is: I stressed about those days for weeks in advance. I could hardly think...hardly breath. It is a little easier now and I have my work and my little grandson to think about. But gosh the missing is hard. I can't even begin to imagine how it must be for you. You've come a long way, my young friend, and you, your darling husband and son lived for a very special purpose. The girls are one of those special purposes and they are many more to come. You have inspired many of us because you never gave up, never quit, never stopped living and hoping that life would someday make sense. You are amazing!!