::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Confessions and Lessons

I've learned a lot about myself since going back to work.  I've also learned a lot about other people.  I don't know if I was oblivious before (probably) but people seem different.  The entire human race seems different now and my eyes are wide open.  Is it a new super power?  the secret that only Mom's with Angel Babies know perhaps? or my brain and soul actually noticing more since I have been away in the stay at home mom world/grieving world/triplet mom world/grieving triplet mom world/Finn's freckles' world???  But something is different and I like it a lot.  Maybe I've come back to life?

One thing I've learned is that there's people out there that just HATE YOU.  You ask why do you hate me?  Do I need to apologize to you for something I did?  There are no wrong answers, please tell me what did I do?

And they say nothing.  'Oh oh oh nothing, we love you.'  But not 1 hour or 2 days later there it is a big neon sign flashing in your face that yes, indeed these people hate you, your instincts are correct.  There's a full on hate club happening...you knew about the one, you suspected the one but then that hate club converted more and started a 2nd sector or maybe there already was a 2nd sector and they met up to exchange hateful stories to spread in hoping to convert more hate club members.  

Haters gonna Hate

It's funny.  How many times I've trusted people, let them in, showed them around, been the REALEST REAL me and then they hate me.  It makes me question myself, but then I remember that this is not my problem and none of my business.  I'm not gonna feed it.no never feed that monster.  It's their insecurities not mine.  

I remember lying in my hospital bed and thinking the good thing that will come out of all this is that nothing will bother me ever again.  How could anything get to me after this?  Guess what, shoot, things still get to me.  But since I've experienced my worst, I think I have a better perspective on what really matters.  

So I'm writing a list, confessions of sorts, lessons I've learned, things I know for sure.  Just so I don't forget.  And please add your confessions/lessons/things you know-in a comment below!  This list will probably double by the end of the year.

Okay here we go (rubbing palms together):

1) I've learned that I sub-consciously think of things I'm grateful for in my mind all day long.  Whenever, I start to even feel a hint of jealousy, fear, or sadness I immediately do this and it automatically makes me happy.  I think of my family a lot and it makes me happy.  It gets me out of those gray areas my mind likes to go sometimes.

2) I've learned that I need Sundays off.  I need Sundays to do nothing but hang out with my family.  I need that to survive the week.  

3) I've learned (over and over and over again) to follow my instincts.  I'm still learning to trust my gut.STILL!

4) I've officially learned that if your friend's husband/boyfriend hates you.  Like you can feel the hate coming out of his pores, then most likely that friend isn't your real friend.  You neither see nor speak to husband/boyfriend and he hates you.  The only exception is if you know 'why' they hate you.  You ask the wife/girlfriend "hey does your Husband hate me, did I do something wrong?"  and they give you the old, "No, no, not at all he loves you".  She's not your friend cause said friend is talking a lot of shit about you to said husband/boyfriend.  These are not my people-move on.  This has happened to me a few times.

5) Thinking positive, being positive, and looking for the positive turns into a big fat positive!

6) I've learned that every time I see other humans, mostly women, I consciously try to find something beautiful about them whether it be their outfit, their smile, the twinkle in their eyes.  I try to look for the good.

7) Sometimes I'm too much for people.  

8) I feel strong, I think I'm really tough without a doubt.  But I'm also weak and very vulnerable.

9) If somebody lies to me several times after only knowing them a short while, I will never believe anything they say after that.  I don't understand why people lie about dumb shit.

10) The people that know me the best know that I cuss like a freaking sailor.  I'm a cusser you guys and it's not going away.  But cussing makes me feel better.  (They've done studies).

11) I fall in love with people fast!  Once I've loved somebody it's hard to fall out of love, there will always be love in my heart for people even if we no longer speak or they've hurt me in some way.

12) I LOVE TO LAUGH.  If you make me laugh I love you.  I love laughing really really hard.  That's my million dollars.  Laughing is priceless.

13) I am imperfect.

14) When I'm hurt it can come across as anger.  And I cry when I'm mad.  Kinda backwards.

15) For me if a person is beautiful on the outside but not on the inside, I don't look at them as pretty.  I usually don't know how I feel about a person's beauty until I get to know them.  For me you HAVE to be pretty on the inside first and then I'll notice your exterior.

16) I'm not a jealous person.  I used to be when I was young, but I've retrained my brain to not be.

17) I'm an insecure person.  I'm self-concious as hell.  But then half the time I don't care.

18) When I'm 50+ I really wanna rock my gray hair.  I love when I see women rocking their gray!  I think they are strong, brave, real, and beautiful.

19) I don't play mind games.  And I'm not fluent on passive-aggressiveness.  I'm a communicator.  I'm REAL.

I love them!  They are 18 months and 1 day here.

Got them all dressed up and went on a walk yesterday.  Holland, Wren, & Dale in order...Dale will NOT keep her bows in.

I had a rare quiet moment alone with Colum & Del Taco on Sunday.  My girls are now older than their big brother.  It feels like I'm leaving him behind.  It was painful and then add other outside crap on top of that, let's just say I barely made it through this week.

Love this!  


  1. I have been reading your blog forever and dont think I have ever commented before but I just had to this time. You are so right about the boyfriend/husband hater thing!!! I think as women we tend to second guess our choices in relationships, and I know I am very guilty of ignoring my gut because I wanted to believe my "friend". Well the older you get the more quickly you are forced to learn these lessons, and I think it just opens your heart and life up for bigger, more positive and more fulfilling relationships. Your children, all 5 of them, are beautiful little people. There are many more people in the world who choose love, and I think you will find them.
    I love your blog!

  2. You are very wise....I think for me (I do not compare my situation with with yours) it was losing my husband and parents in 7 months. After all of that, fast forward 6 years and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now, I just can't deal with mean or ignorant people. I still try to be nice because I'm nice to the core but some people (even relatives) are just mean and maybe jealous (of what, I'm not sure but really don't care)?? Anyway, I also think that I'm too much for some too. It's hard to explain that sentence to others. You try to look someone in the eye and just want to have a normal conversation with them, they can't look at you in the eye because think they can only focus on is that "thing" that happened to me. I don't know if I hate the pitty or the avoidance of those subjects. On my husband's birthday, our anniversay, or the day he passed, I just want someone to say his name and tell me that they remember him - not a lot to ask. You're right....the haters will hate and no matter what, you can't change them, only yourself. I think you've done that. You have got a good life with your freckled face boy and those 3 beautiful girls. Your Colum will be forever in your heart and your anchor to heaven. The missing must be so hard but you have shown us that anyone can pick themselves up, dust themselves off and put one foot in front of the other and keep going. You have my heartfelt admiration, my prayers for your continued happiness and joy, and hope that good people come into your life and stay. Thanks for sharing the photos of your children.

  3. P.S. I am 62 years old....I'd love to dye my long hair but alas, I am allergic to hair dye. I have long hair and I think that's even worse with the white/black hair thing I have going on....it is salt/pepper style, in excellent condition, kinda pretty, kinda strange, kinda me so I can't care what others think of it. I love your 19 things. I can't live without laughter!!

  4. You have been through way too much to deal with this kind of drama. You are living your life doing the best you can in a positive way and people who seek to cause stress/anxiety on others like this are no one you need in your inner circle. I have never commented before either but this struck a cord with me - I can't imagine someone treating you this way after the tragedy you have been through. You keep on living and finding your joy in family and true friends who love you and want to ADD to your happiness! God Bless

  5. By the way, Lesson I Have Learned:
    Some 'friends' you have to love at a distance. I am nice to her, I would help her if she was in desperate need, I will pray for her, but she will no longer be a friend that I depend on or confide in - and that's ok.

  6. You rock my socks and I'm totally coming to see you soon.

  7. I love everything about this post! I wish we could be friends! I too cuss like a sailor and don't regret one second of it! It does feel good! :)

  8. I love your blog! You are an excellent writer. I finally met you at yor work, and you rocked at doing my brows. They needed help so bad.
    Your an amazing person, just the little I know about you. The hardship you have faced does change a person.
    I suffer from anxiety and have really bad panic attacks on occasion. I find when I am under the anxiety spell I look at people different as well. Like why are you happy, don't you feel anxious like I do...?
    It's normal, and it helps me understand people better in the long run I think.
    And, laughter is the best medicine. 😀

  9. I started reading your blog after the accident, when somebody linked it to a blog I subscribed to. I was hooked right away on your insight and writing style, especially because I, too, had lost a son quite tragically. You share your vulnerability so openly, it's a gift, but it also invites cruelty in people who are less evolved. Mean people sense it, kind of like chickens pecking at a weak member of their flock. It's high school forever, if YOU LET IT BE! The good news is, you don't have to allow it! As soon as you feel that kind of potential in someone, let your eyes glaze over and look THROUGH them, not at them! Walk away, do something else, think about dinner or whatever. Who really cares what someone else's husband thinks of you? I sense that all this stress for you is possibly related to the kind of work you do and the snarky remarks you hear women make all day. However, I have a feeling that there is more to your story and you probably had some kind of pain in your childhood, like I did. If that is the case, you may want to find a nice therapist to help you take back your power. Lord knows you deserve it. A lot of us really, truly understand. Sending my dearest wishes for the peaceful future you so richly deserve.

  10. I'm so happy that I read your blog today. I've been going through a rough patch in my own life. Since you started your blog, your words have inspired me more than once. You've helped me to get up, brush that shit off and move on. And my shit is nothing compared to yours. You're amazing!

  11. You're beautiful... Can we meet someday and be friends?? I'm pretty sure we'd get along great!!

  12. I just want to say, that thing about someone else's husband looking at you with contempt? That's because he's jealous of anyone talking to or interacting with his wife in any way at all. He's an abusive jerk, even if she sings his praises. He gives that same look to the bag boy at the market and anyone else who "threatens" his sense of self-worth. Avoid this friend, though, since his jealousy will just make more pressure for her when he gets her alone. Don't ask how I know this.

  13. I FREAKING LOVE YOU! This post is the best. I miss seeing you and talking with you often. Why did you have to go move? And I'm a cusser too. I need to stop, but man, it just feels good to say shit and hell, ya know? haha. Thanks for sharing this. Totally made my night!

  14. You ROCK :) Such a great attitude and so open and honest. My kinda person!

  15. I liked this post! And I agree with ^ You are my kinda person!

  16. This is some epic spam! I love how you see the world and I need to adopt many of the things you have. Is it bad I know I live somewhat near you and hope I run into your family one day. I will totally look like a creeper though :).


  17. We have #14 in common. Haha! I love this list.