::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Vacation fr0m our pr0bl3ms

My babies turned 20 months old 2 days ago 6 days ago.  I hate it.  I've willed it to stop.  But nature always wins.  I tell Finn I'm going to call his Dr and get that pill to put in his Doritos without him knowing.  It will keep him from growing and he will stay in 1st grade forever.  "No Mom, no!  I need to keep growing up".  I say, "Finn just think how good you'll be at 1st grade.  You will be a 1st grade all-star...a professional 1st grader".  "You're lying Mom".  Poor kid, both his parents are the youngest and so we tease and tease him.  He's paying for what our older siblings did to us and it's just not fair...but it will make him stronger ha.  

Right now you guys I'm sitting in front of a large window overlooking a river on a brown leather chair.  I'm not even lying.  I think my OCD is in full affect though + the girls are napping + Ryan and Finn are fishing.  I don't have Jack Nicholson via As Good As It Gets OCD, I have A.D.D. mixed with obsessive, perfectionist, party person behavior.  Is there a name for this?  Is every one like this?  Sometimes I wonder if Ryan thinks I need to be on medication for this.  But honestly, I am on a vacation from my problems.  I'm relearning how to relax...cause I can't anymore, it's lost somewhere and I'm bound to find it right?  Writing is relaxing and therapeutic to me.  I'm in my happy place.

My girls are talking.  Sometimes they speak so clearly but then I never hear them say it again and it feels like I imagined it all (scary).  

Holland.  She's our fastest/earliest walker (13 months).  She could live on my lap.  She literally runs up to me (on her two 6" little legs) with her arms open wide wanting hugs.  She's the most cuddly of the bunch.  Momma's girl.big.time.  She loves balls.  Always has one.  Always wants you to throw it.  She's pretty amazing at throwing it aim wise.  She's farther ahead physically than her sisters.  She still will give me kisses sometimes.  She used to be the heaviest and now is the smallest.  She's a shorty bless her heart.  I'm praying she gets to be at least 5'2 (my height), I think it's unfair and cruel to not be as tall as your Mom.  Yes, my Mom is taller than me.  She looks like a 6 month old that runs.  She has dainty everything and a button nose.  She's a heavy mouth breather like Colum and she has his lips.  She's the one who wants to run straight into the river.  I pray she doesn't become a professional skydiver...I pray none of them do, I'd definitely need some prescriptions then.

Wren.  Wren is quite simply an old soul.  I hate to admit it but she may be a Daddy's girl.  She usually just lets Holland and Dale fight over me, while she quietly plays or gets into something she's not supposed to.  She's smart.  She's motherly.  She has a unique language that's a little mumbly and very fast.  She frequently says "huh" and "yeah", like she's 45 years old.  I think that her and Dale have 'Pack' bodies.  They have skinny legs and arms and I adore it and hoped for it.  They resemble Finn a lot to me...like they are gonna get freckles and I'm beyond thrilled.  Their eyelashes you guys!  All 3 have thick dark lashes, luckies!  But I think they inherited 'the wide'.  'The wide' aka 'The Jacob Wide' is big block feet and really high insteps.  Jacob is my maiden name and Ryan named the condition himself.  Colum had the wide also, I'm thinking Finn got lucky.  It's a very strong gene.  Shoe stretchers are gonna be their best friends as they are mine also.  

Dale.  She's an optimist.  She says the most words.  She's finally walking about a week after Wren started.  She's the heaviest and a frequent pooper.  She's basically a poopin' machine...I guess they all are but her machine is like a well oiled machine.  She constantly says "it's okay" to her sisters if they get hurt or are crying.  She's been saying "K" after anything you say to her and it kills me.  She's not a snuggle bunny but more territorial.  Holland and her literally battle for my lap like it's a small island.  She gives the biggest smiles and I love her positivity.  Oh and when she dances it lights me up inside.  She usually dances sitting down and just shakes her body with her arms pressed tightly to her body.  It's everything.  They are my everything.

Finn.  He's obsessed with baseball.  He watches baseball games on tv now.  He loves people.  It's tough watching him learn some hard lessons about feeling left out or not being the best at everything, but I remind myself it will just make him stronger.  He's very VERY very chatty.  He starts chatting the minute he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed.  I'm not sure if he does this in school or not, but one of my clients told me that I would have heard from the teacher by now if he was.  No news is good news I guess.  We are going out of town just us and the kids and are seriously contemplating ear plugs. He just wants to be good, he IS good.  He likes having long hair, and never wants to cut it.  He's got great style and I'm proud.  He adores and dotes on those babies so much.  They all love him and smile and laugh constantly with them.  He's starting to mention more often how much he misses Colum and how great it would be to have a little brother to play outside with.  It breaks my heart.  It breaks both our hearts.

I'm starting to be more okay with Colum not being here.  Quite simply because I would've never had my daughters.  People have pointed that out to me before and I begrudgingly accepted it but I can see the big picture more clearly now.  I get angry about what happened to us when my body hurts, when a surgeon tells me I'm most likely gonna need a knee replacement or when any medical bill comes in the mail from different Dr's.  Nothing against the Dr's, they worked really hard and deserve to get paid.  I just want it all to go away and it's always there.  When we bought our new house I couldn't be on the loan because low and behold there was a $200k lean against me from the hospital that I was completely clueless about.  I let it escape my mind for the most part because everytime I think about it I get this angry feeling I'm talking about.  But it's being taken care of.  It needs to disappear.  Something's wrong with my thyroid again.  I'm not overeating and I look and feel like a sausage.  Had my blood drawn and one the tests came back and somethings wrong.  I've been so stressed about so many things...Maybe the magic from the river will cure me!  Praying for magic for myself and all of you!!!

I can't imagine my life just the way it is though, I have it pretty good.

P.S. I forgot my mouse so no pictures.

P.P.S. I decided against emojis on the blog.  What if I get sick of them and they are stuck here forever?  You will have to decipher for yourselves if I'm joking or not.  When in doubt I probably am though.  I'm hoping to write a lot this week, I'm so happy right now, I get to hang out with my very own family<--cheesy but true!


Out of Order

When I tell people that I have 1 year old triplets at work every single person about falls off the chair.  A big part of me gets a kick out of it.  But I don't tell them the other part of me, I don't usually get into that part, I try not to.  

It's funny because it's part of my introduction sometimes.  Like that's the big thing about me is that I have triplets.  But it's not.  It's just a small part, it's my happy ending.

I'm extremely overwhelmed and under a lot of stress.  But, honestly all I really want to do is laugh and have fun.  

But the loss of Colum is always underneath every other emotion I'm experiencing at all times.  
I'm literally exhausted from it.  

Every single day I'm still struggling.  

But guess what? it's normal. This is what the grieving people mean by getting used to their "new-normal".  I't always there, it's not just getting used to him being gone.  

Recently, a very close family member wrote us a letter.  In this letter she casually wrote that our tragedy affects us (me) too much (along with some other hurtful stuff).  She lost her Husband and the way she copes is by "keeping busy".  In her defense I know she was trying her hardest to be kind.  At first, I was angry.  Then I was hurt.  Or maybe it was the other way around, or maybe I still am sometimes.

Ummmmmmmmm, does she think we are not BUSY?
  (insert: hands on both sides of my head, jaw dropped, eyes wide, head shaking(this is what people with adrenal fatigue do instead of merely scratching their heads)).  

Note:this letter was a result of some very seriously, ridiculous, horrible, and hurtful bullshit!  And I still love this family member and plan to move forward in the future.  

Note:I am pretty darn sure I have nor have ever been perfect.  I may have foot in mouth disease, or some un-discovered personality disorder (& hopefully when it's discovered I will be the poster child for it.  Kinda like Suzanne Sommers and bio-identical hormones but for crazies instead of hormones), who the hell knows?.  =just know that I love you.

Note:We don't throw little Birthday parties and have huge Colum celebrations.  I'm just not that way.  We are just not that way.  And I guarantee there's a Pinterest for it too!  Grieving mother's angel baby party boards and I think it's fantastic! And, I guess I just expect them to assume and be psychic about how much we are hurting and still miss him and talk about him and fantasize about him still being here every single day still.  

I don't like to compare losses, I don't think it's fair and quite simply judgmental.    It's like comparing apples to treadmills except those apples and treamills have feelings.

Losing a child is out of order.  It's not natural, and it doesn't go away.  You can't fix it or us.  Ryan and I are doing the best we can. And that my friends is all we can do.  In case you're not understanding...WE DON'T WANT IT TO AFFECT US EVEN MORE THAT YOU DON'T WANT IT TO EFFECT US.  <---notice I used both affects/effects.

I live my life for Colum. 

Colum, is my son.  Colum, momma STILL misses you.  I live my life for you. I love you.

Physically 24/7 We are reminded of the whole thing.  Ya know I always think I'm gonna get on here and write about my possible upcoming surgeries and how I got a cortisol shot 2 weeks ago cause the PA of the new Orthopedic Surgeon my insurance covers completely disagrees with old surgeon with taking the metal out of my legs.  In November you guys I couldn't walk for 3 f*&^ing days!  And how Ryan quietly and suddenly stopped wearing his brace a month ago and I have mixed feelings about it.  Whole 'nother stories...I don't write about the physical stuff, the only thing I really want to write about is Colum, because this is where I feel most comfortable saying his name and admitting how I'm feeling.  RIGHT HERE!  

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME GRIEVE OUT LOUD RIGHT HERE ON THE INTERNET.  I have to go play with my tinies now.  Oh I could write a book about them, I promise I will soon.

P.S. Why did Diaper Genie make a mini model without the foot pedal & a hard to open lid?  Oh...I know they made it for people with 7 hands & love to take out the garbage. -Ry accidentally ordered it, bless his heart he felt so bad.  It's half the size we are used to and holds like 5 diapers.  Diaper Genies are really important to us.  

P.P.S.  I need to download the Emoji app for my computer.   This thing is still running like a champ and at 6+ years old.  Thank you Apple.  I love Emojis, I do.  Who's with me?


Confessions and Lessons

I've learned a lot about myself since going back to work.  I've also learned a lot about other people.  I don't know if I was oblivious before (probably) but people seem different.  The entire human race seems different now and my eyes are wide open.  Is it a new super power?  the secret that only Mom's with Angel Babies know perhaps? or my brain and soul actually noticing more since I have been away in the stay at home mom world/grieving world/triplet mom world/grieving triplet mom world/Finn's freckles' world???  But something is different and I like it a lot.  Maybe I've come back to life?

One thing I've learned is that there's people out there that just HATE YOU.  You ask why do you hate me?  Do I need to apologize to you for something I did?  There are no wrong answers, please tell me what did I do?

And they say nothing.  'Oh oh oh nothing, we love you.'  But not 1 hour or 2 days later there it is a big neon sign flashing in your face that yes, indeed these people hate you, your instincts are correct.  There's a full on hate club happening...you knew about the one, you suspected the one but then that hate club converted more and started a 2nd sector or maybe there already was a 2nd sector and they met up to exchange hateful stories to spread in hoping to convert more hate club members.  

Haters gonna Hate

It's funny.  How many times I've trusted people, let them in, showed them around, been the REALEST REAL me and then they hate me.  It makes me question myself, but then I remember that this is not my problem and none of my business.  I'm not gonna feed it.no never feed that monster.  It's their insecurities not mine.  

I remember lying in my hospital bed and thinking the good thing that will come out of all this is that nothing will bother me ever again.  How could anything get to me after this?  Guess what, shoot, things still get to me.  But since I've experienced my worst, I think I have a better perspective on what really matters.  

So I'm writing a list, confessions of sorts, lessons I've learned, things I know for sure.  Just so I don't forget.  And please add your confessions/lessons/things you know-in a comment below!  This list will probably double by the end of the year.

Okay here we go (rubbing palms together):

1) I've learned that I sub-consciously think of things I'm grateful for in my mind all day long.  Whenever, I start to even feel a hint of jealousy, fear, or sadness I immediately do this and it automatically makes me happy.  I think of my family a lot and it makes me happy.  It gets me out of those gray areas my mind likes to go sometimes.

2) I've learned that I need Sundays off.  I need Sundays to do nothing but hang out with my family.  I need that to survive the week.  

3) I've learned (over and over and over again) to follow my instincts.  I'm still learning to trust my gut.STILL!

4) I've officially learned that if your friend's husband/boyfriend hates you.  Like you can feel the hate coming out of his pores, then most likely that friend isn't your real friend.  You neither see nor speak to husband/boyfriend and he hates you.  The only exception is if you know 'why' they hate you.  You ask the wife/girlfriend "hey does your Husband hate me, did I do something wrong?"  and they give you the old, "No, no, not at all he loves you".  She's not your friend cause said friend is talking a lot of shit about you to said husband/boyfriend.  These are not my people-move on.  This has happened to me a few times.

5) Thinking positive, being positive, and looking for the positive turns into a big fat positive!

6) I've learned that every time I see other humans, mostly women, I consciously try to find something beautiful about them whether it be their outfit, their smile, the twinkle in their eyes.  I try to look for the good.

7) Sometimes I'm too much for people.  

8) I feel strong, I think I'm really tough without a doubt.  But I'm also weak and very vulnerable.

9) If somebody lies to me several times after only knowing them a short while, I will never believe anything they say after that.  I don't understand why people lie about dumb shit.

10) The people that know me the best know that I cuss like a freaking sailor.  I'm a cusser you guys and it's not going away.  But cussing makes me feel better.  (They've done studies).

11) I fall in love with people fast!  Once I've loved somebody it's hard to fall out of love, there will always be love in my heart for people even if we no longer speak or they've hurt me in some way.

12) I LOVE TO LAUGH.  If you make me laugh I love you.  I love laughing really really hard.  That's my million dollars.  Laughing is priceless.

13) I am imperfect.

14) When I'm hurt it can come across as anger.  And I cry when I'm mad.  Kinda backwards.

15) For me if a person is beautiful on the outside but not on the inside, I don't look at them as pretty.  I usually don't know how I feel about a person's beauty until I get to know them.  For me you HAVE to be pretty on the inside first and then I'll notice your exterior.

16) I'm not a jealous person.  I used to be when I was young, but I've retrained my brain to not be.

17) I'm an insecure person.  I'm self-concious as hell.  But then half the time I don't care.

18) When I'm 50+ I really wanna rock my gray hair.  I love when I see women rocking their gray!  I think they are strong, brave, real, and beautiful.

19) I don't play mind games.  And I'm not fluent on passive-aggressiveness.  I'm a communicator.  I'm REAL.

I love them!  They are 18 months and 1 day here.

Got them all dressed up and went on a walk yesterday.  Holland, Wren, & Dale in order...Dale will NOT keep her bows in.

I had a rare quiet moment alone with Colum & Del Taco on Sunday.  My girls are now older than their big brother.  It feels like I'm leaving him behind.  It was painful and then add other outside crap on top of that, let's just say I barely made it through this week.

Love this!  


Tomorrow and the next day

I'm pretty sure it's pretty obvious why I haven't written a post for so long.  I am officially the busiest person I know.  I mean there's probably busier but I'm up there hanging on a thread right there with 'em.  But I still think it's easier to work btw, (subject to change).

Tomorrow is kinda a hard and sad anniversary/coincidence of sorts.  Tomorrow my Holland, Wren, and Dale will be the exact same age as Colum that Christmas Eve we were hit.  And then the next day as you all probably know will be the day we took him off life support....on Christmas.  I wish I was a planner ahead-er and would have scheduled these next two days off of work, but I didn't.  So my plan B was to get all my crazies out yesterday and today.  

I'm constantly thinking about it.  Every single minute today especially.  Today is the day before anniversary.  The day that I had no idea I wouldn't be wiping my own bum for a while and so on.  The ordinary or semi-ordinary  getting ready for Christmas day...everything I have done today, every time they hold on to my finger, lay their head on my shoulder, point and jabber away at nothing, I'm wondering if he did these things that day before.  

They are passing up their big brother, whose short precious little life ended abruptly and technically twice.  Their mysterious brother whom their mom will be randomly crying for throughout the rest of their lives.  This sibling with the golden hair.  I wish I could stop time for a little while and live right here with them for just a couple of weeks.  They all have pieces of him in them and then at the same time not at all.

I've literally tried to make the crying start so I can get it out but I'm just so busy.  So I had to write it out right now and make my eyes rain instead of trying to get a million things around the house done.  I HATE CRYING IN PUBLIC along with the rest of you.  So if anyone happens to read this between now and Thursday please send good vibes my way so I don't lose my shit at work.

At work I've seen a lot of old clients trickle through and it literally makes me so happy every.single.time.  A lot has changed between us and it's so great to catch up.  I really want to write what it's really like working in cosmetics.  Would that be interesting?  It's pretty interesting to me.  

My babies all have hair now, I was scrolling through old pics the other day and cannot believe how bald they were.  I'm pretty sure I haven't cut Finn's hair since like August and he doesn't want me to cut it.  He's in first grade, loves his teacher, and can basically full on read now!  I'm dying to buy him all the Harry Potter books and read them together!!!!!  I mean they will basically be used at least 3 more times cause I'm convinced they will all get the love for Harry Potter gene from their Mom.  And if they don't I won't be able to deal I will support that decision until they come into their real selves.

Finn and his friend Cameron.  We the parents are hoping they can be ski/snowboard buddies in a few years.  And yes, that's Finn posing and I love it and laugh every time cause he's not really a poser...and I totally support poses.

Holland and I sitting in my brow chair at work.  I'm clocked out hence the coat.

Dale trying to escape and Wren crying at my work...again clocked out.

Us at the park.  For some reason I'm obsessed with this picture.  It shows all their personalities!

A screenshot of Ryan's snapchat.  I love love love them!

I had freckles when I was little & hated them.  Now I just can't seem to get enough.  He's since gotten more since this photo was taken.  Oh and his lashes!  He's the prettiest boy I tell ya.

I rented skiis and thought it'd be a grand idea to take Finn snowboarding.  Ummm bad idea I don't know how to ski let alone teach him to snowboard.  Luckily we had a friend to help a little so I didn't freak out.  (Thanks Brian)  He refused to take a lesson yesterday cause he "didn't want to write about it again in his weekend news at school"...uh, okay.

This is usually what is happening when I leave for work.  This day was 1982 Annie and Pumpkin Bread.

This was just yesterday.  We probably pissed a lot of people off cause we shopped most the store like this.  A lot of "what cute boys" comments.  Funny how people thought my boys were "such pretty girls" whilst dressed like Lightning McQueen and Spiderman.  (We always forget the bows, probably because they just try to eat them and get lost).  Note to self: cut off their mullets...again.