::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



I have started and not finished writing 3, and yes I said 3 blogposts but just never finished them.  If I don't write a blog post and post it in the same day, I start to have 2nd thoughts about it and decide it sorta doesn't even make sense sometimes.

So I am determined to write AND post this post today!

I think it's cause I have triplets.  The number 3 is associated with almost everything in my head these days.  

I should be cleaning and organizing our mudroom and garage, but I decided to do what I wanted to do instead of what I have to do.  I can't decide if I do this too much or not enough, and it's kinda freaky.  I think I don't know what's normal for time management and production anymore and I think it's because I have triplets.  Having triplets and doing it mostly on your own trumps everything.  Ryan works A WHOLE LOT, and I haven't had regular help since May.  I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do miss adult conversations.


I just have to start off by saying I LOVE HAVING DAUGHTERS!  While pregnant with three daughters I overheard several conversations in the waiting room at my MFM appointments.  Other pregnant Moms both expecting boys and going on and on about what a relief it was that they were having boys because their daughters were SO MUCH HARDER (people in Utah have a lot of kids).

I don't really do drama.  But I feel like the people that cause the most drama I know say that, including all The Housewives (cause I sorta know them cause I've watched all the shows---obsessed).  I was super scared about the drama that could start in girl babies as young as 3 months old.  I am not one to get super excited over girl clothes, or girl baby clothes.  I mean I have my moments but I'd say I'm less than your average.

Also during the pregnancy with the girls people would always ask what the sexes of the babies were.  About 98% percent of the time after answering the question we got some very exaggerated sighs, loud whoas, I mean we got a whole lot of I am so scared for you reactions.  These were mostly from people who had daughters of their own which added to our fears (or maybe just mine).

I love them so much!  They watch Annie with me....ANNIE circa 1982!!!  They've been watching it with me since they were 12 months old, yeah I know, advanced right? Annie was my show growing up.  I mean I even had the haircut and the perm which my Mom swears I requested but I will never believe her.  We watch The Little Mermaid.  I sing all the songs to them cause I know every word by heart and they (especially Dale) just thinks I am something remarkable.  They freaking love shoes already.  When I ask them not to do something in our baby talk way they listen.  They are thoughtful, sweet, and considerate and I die everyday.  They live to please.  They are very very good babies and I'm so lucky.  We are really lucky cause we've had 5 pretty easy going babies. 

They play together!  They go in this Barbie tent and just laugh and laugh...we can't figure out what they are laughing at.  Sometimes when only 2 of them wake up from their naps I'll give the third baby another 10 minutes until I wake her up.  When I wake her up and she looks around and doesn't see even one sister they go into a sort of a panic.  They don't cry they just turn their heads from side to side frantically searching for another.  

In other huge news, I think I'm going back to work full time (which is exactly why I should be cleaning the mudroom right now).  I've cried about it.  I've been excited about it.  I am beyond terrified.  I'm not 100% sure I will make a profit after paying my sitter so that's not gonna work for long if I don't.  I will announce when and where once it's written in stone.  ...I'm scared about how we are gonna ever get any laundry done.  

I'm scared I will miss my babies so much that my heart will stop.  I'm scared they won't know I'm their Mom.  I'm really worried about the laundry.  Will I ever workout again?  Am I sane enough to be out in public 5 days a week?

One of our last walks before it snowed.

www.rachelandgroms.com sent us the rompers the girls are wearing and Finn's shirt.  I  LOVE them!  They wash well and I love how the legs are tight and the body part is loose on their rompers.  She's also a local girl and a friend.  You can follow her on instagram at RAGS_TO_RACHES

My attempt at getting a picture of all of us.  Sometimes they take turns sitting on my lap and sometimes they all pile on and it's hilarious.  I love them btw.  Taken in the late morning and I'm wearing my pajamas and no make up, I'm almost always in my pajamas now that it's so cold!....but not for long, I'm gonna be a career mom.) 
Any Mom's that have gone back to work and have encouraging stories or advice your comments are needed welcome!  I'm kind of dying and my mudroom and garage need me.