::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


The snowball effect

I've had a few bad days the past couple of weeks (or maybe a couple handfuls of bad days).  Sometimes I get what I call 'Colum sad' and then everything in my life just kinda snowballs.  

Sometimes, I feel happy.  Really really happy.  I feel guilty.  I ask myself, am I crazy?  I shouldn't feel this happy.  Then I begin arguing with myself about no, of course it's not crazy to be happy, you're crazy to even think that; crazy lady.

The other night Finn was doing these weird jumping tricks on our bed.  It was kinda bugging me and I could tell he was just bored and needed a friend.  My eyes watered because dammit he should have a little 4 year old live-in friend to play with all the time.  I should have a 4 year old pacing the house waiting for his big brother to get home from FIRST GRADE!  I got most of my stretch marks from that 4 year old, yet he's gone.

The babies are getting teeth.  Like their mouths are filling up with these white little squares and it kills me.  The more teeth that they get, the more they look like him.  They have the exact same teeth as him, like exactly exact.  I love it, but man it's hard on the Colum sad days.  

I miss him.  I wonder if sometimes I try to not think about it in order to avoid this stupid snowball effect (if it's affect instead of effect I'm really sorry).  If I even look at an old picture of him it happens.  I can't really talk to any one about it, in fact I'm pretty sure people can smell it coming (even if I've showered) and they stay far far away from me. 


I'm having a personal crisis.  You see, I've had a job since I was 10 years old.  I haven't worked in about a year...for the first time since I was 10 (besides right after the accident).  I've looked at part time jobs, and applied at a few.  But the problem is how do I make enough to pay for childcare and ummm, doesn't any one want to work around my schedule, oh and Finn's school schedule?  Best case scenario is I make a profit of $5 after I pay my overhead.  Should I be taking online classes while the babies nap?  Should I become a drug dealer?  Should I stress out and mope around the house cause how in the hell am I gonna pay for freaking triplets?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Ideas?


My oldest is now in first grade.  I know I'm plenty old enough to have a child in the first grade, I just don't feel old enough.  A week ago was back to school night and after the quick meeting in the gym both parents and students wandered around to find where their classrooms were.  Finn and I stood there in line as the teacher introduced herself while hands were being shook.  The woman in front of us introduced her dark haired son, some words were exchanged, her son walked off as instructed to find his desk.  The Mom quickly turned to the teacher and explained to her that her son had lost his Father, "it was a couple years ago...uh, he's doing fine most of the time....", I didn't hear the rest.  

I know Finn heard.  I smiled and introduced Finn and I.  Do I hit her with another tragic story?  "Finn has triplet baby sisters, [nervous laughter] so bare with me".  That's all I said.  I could feel Finn hesitate.  I could feel he wanted me to tell his teacher about his brother, but I didn't.  

His teacher doesn't know. 

It's a struggle I have, one that I will always have.  I feel Finn hesitate often when asked how many kids I have.  Sometimes I say it and sometimes I don't.  I don't want it to be who I am, but I don't want to pretend he never existed.  It's a very uncomfortable struggle.  

I don't want Finn to feel uncomfortable like I do.  I'm hoping I did the right thing and he can tell her in his own way.

And as promised here are some pictures.  All of the girls are in Holland, Wren, Dale order except the jumper one.  Can you tell them apart?

This was a couple days ago at our Dr appt.  We were lucky there were large hallways...gotta swing that thing wide.

couple weeks ago at Snowbird.  Exactly 1 year ago they were in my belly at the same place.  I was being pushed around in a wheelchair.

Jumping triplets!

Love this picture of Finn and his cousin Donovan sitting on a hammock while camping.

This was waaaayyyy back on the fourth of July.

Finn, his friend Tyler, and I went hiking.   Tyler took the picture :).

 This picture basically explains how my girls are during bath time.  Holland is fearless man!  I call her Brutus cause that girl is a brute!  She pulls her sisters to the ground by their hair and steals toys, she's also got some serious rhythm.  Wren, my bird...she just hates the water.  She is my mini me in a lot of ways.  She says "mom" all the time and very matter the factly, she's sneaky, my best and very enthusiastic eater, and independent.  Dale, my Daisy Jane...whenever you go to pick her up out of her crib or off the ground she immediately rolls the opposite way to make it a little more difficult for you and then cocks her head to the side and smiles.  She clucks her tongue and is still my most patient one.

My first grader!  Everyday I wonder if he even eats anything at lunch.

The day before the girls turned 11 months old at a Beck concert.  That's a stranger touching Holland's foot, and that's her why are you touching my foot face.  A stranger a very rude stranger told me I was a bad Mom for not putting baby ear plugs in their ears and how awful I am to let them inhale all the 2nd hand marijuana smoke (I couldn't even smell any).  I ripped him a new one.  Umm, they don't make baby ear plugs.  We were a mile away from the stage, and it was an outdoor Beck concert with babies everywhere.  I almost beat him up, kinda wish I would have.  If he only knew how hard it was to take triplets and a 6 year old anywhere.

This picture may look insignificant but I'm so glad I remembered to take it.  My first time ever taking all the kids to Costco all.by.myself.  It was sorta genius to leave Wren in the car seat because nobody could tell right off the bat if they were triplets.  Therefore nobody asked me if they were natural and therefore I didn't have to tell a single soul that they were actually robots.  I'm sure all the triplet and quad moms are shaking their heads and thinking I'm a wimp.  I am a wimp okay.

Camping triplets!  Please take notice of Dale in the back, leg propped up, chillin'.  She insists on just chillin', sitting up is too much work sometimes.