::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Letting my yellow out

Before I had kids I had a certain idea of what kind of Mom I was going to be.  It was somewhere in between beautifully planned birthday parties and all organic meals.  

Now that I am a Mom; reality has hit and tomorrow is Finn's 6th Birthday and I don't have a babysitter, still haven't boughten him any gifts (besides clothes that are secretly actually school clothes), and I have absolutely no idea on what we are going to do.  As I type, the t.v. is on and he is eating his frozen taquito and drinking his chocolate milk and well for breakfast he may have eaten cheetos...because well it's summer and because I am nowhere near the type of Mom I wanted to be.  I promise though this is the first time I can recall that his most important meal of the day has actually been Cheetos (that I can recall).

Something I know for sure about myself is that I really really suck at planning ahead, I'm HORRIBLE at remembering people's names even after meeting them 3+ times, and for the most part I like to go off how I feel that day (i.e. if I feel like cleaning, then I clean (really frustrated my Mother growing up)).  I never remember people's Birthdays and 90% of the time when I ask somebody their name, I immediately tune out the second they say it.  

Recently my older sister told me about this personality test and so I took it, and then Ryan took it.  We both tested to be this type out of 16 different types.  We are the 'party people'.  It makes a lot of sense to me why we tested to be the same.  It explains why he's my all-time favorite person to go on vacation with, why we always have so much fun together, why we get each other, why when we are at parties we are never near each other... It's also got me thinking, when two party people get together do they make little party people babies??? I guess only time will tell, but honestly I know already that our kids can be a really good time :).  

I also love the color code test.  I've always tested half red and half yellow; so half drill sergeant/responsible and half flakey/life of the party.  

I remember shortly after our accident laughing here and there, but my funny was gone.  I remember the first time I was able to laugh really hard, it was on my bed with a friend but I can't remember at what.  For the most part I honestly cried for 2 straight years.  I cried so much all the time.  I was dead inside, my yellow was gone and I was positive I was never going to get it back.  My yellow didn't want to hang out with the sad, boring lady who cried all the time.  My yellow is selfish and needs to be wild and it needs to be free.  Sometimes my yellow would show up for an hour or two on a rare occasion but mostly it was just tears or trying to hold back tears.

Tears for two long-horrible-years.

Well folks my yellow has now returned.  A part of me thinks it's because I forced myself back into myself and I'm not going to lie, I am really proud of myself.  A part of me thinks it was Finn and because I had the triplets.  A part of me thinks it's because he plead guilty and got the maximum sentence.  I wish I knew.  I wish I could turn it into a pill and prescribe it to all the sad people who can barely peel themselves out of bed in the morning.

People ask me all the time "How in the heck do you do triplets???".  Honestly, it's not that bad.  I just don't go anywhere without Ryan with me.  So I am literally home ALL DAY/EVERY DAY.  By the time the weekend comes around, I get out.  I get out and I'm 100% yellow.  Sometimes I'm a little bit wild and sometimes all I do is laugh.  If somebody is trying to tell me a long, serious, &/or sad story...I'll be honest, I will probably tune them out.  

My yellow flag is flying high.  

So if you see my around and my squinty eyes are basically closed because I am laughing so hard and I even seem a little bit wilder than you imagined.  You have to excuse me because my yellow is back and we have A LOT of catching up to do.  

*In other news Colum turned 4 last month.  Of course I cried.  I will always wonder what my son would look like now, my ears long to hear his voice, and my arms will forever ache to hold him.

*Four weeks ago I got a tummy tuck.  I had a hernia, severe muscle separation, and a whole lotta scar tissue mess going on in there.  I am still healing but am oh so happy that my skin apron (I called them my mudflaps, I had one for each baby) are gone.  I knew if I didn't do it now it would never happen financially because we got an awesome tax return!  I honestly shouldn't have done it because we are barely surviving... But at least we are poor and my mudflaps are gone right?  I did it for myself!  I cried as soon as I woke up from surgery but not from the pain, from sheer joy and I continued to cry for 2 days straight.  Cheers to not having a severe muffin top!!!

*My girls are getting so so big!  They are all crawling and we now have a cage for them.  They entertain each other a lot & are really good babies.  

Sorry no pictures today.  But you can follow me on instagram my username is packx7.  I will post a lot of them next time... I got a birthday party to plan.  

Also, if you take the personality test let me know which one you are!