::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

6.04.2014

disassembled; rearranged


I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that I am running again!  It can be extremely painful sometimes and so far it's only been done on my treadmill.  Some days are less painful than others.  I have a feeling if I take it outside people will pull over and ask me if I am okay.  I did my new record of 6 miles yesterday, but I also took a 10 minute break to listen to the TruGreen guy passionately explain to me details of all the different species of trees we have in our yard while sweat was dripping from my face and two alligator clips were holding back my bangs split right down the middle.

The bad news is we decided not to do the 5k this year.  I am so sad about it too.  I did make a small effort to look for a family.  But I feel like I have so much on my plate right now... like the I don't shower very often type of stuff, that it would make me a little bit crazy.  Besides the funny smell about me though, honestly, I am doing really really good.  I feel like I have a good balance right now.  A very delicate balance and sometimes a strange odor is seeping slowly through the cracks of my walls kind of balance, but a balance at that. 

The triplets are officially on a type of schedule!  (insert applause here).  I believe most triplets come home from the NICU on a schedule because the nurses get them all on one, but it only took us about 7 months :).  I am so in love with them.  WE ARE ALL SO IN LOVE WITH THEM.  The minute Finn wakes up he starts listening for any type of noise coming from their room.  I have a rule that I always drink my coffee before entering their lair.  They always wake up and play and talk in their cribs in the morning. But honestly he just cannot wait to see them.  And oh how they love him right back, I mean honestly I couldn't ask for anything better.  

Their personalities are so distinct.  Although Dale and Wren are very similar, they are sweet and more likely to smile at strangers.  They have squinty eyes and dainty physiques. Wren is silently independent and the smallest.  She kinda scares me because she gives me these looks like she knows, she gets it, like she's 8 months going on 8.  Recently she's been my patient one.  She was the first to army crawl but is now full on crawling!!!  Dale is the middle sized one and the best eater of solids.  She literally pounds impatiently on the table and towards the end of their meal gets bites up to 3x's more than the other two.  For some reason Dale has a lot more hair than Wren which is so strange to me.  Holland is her own woman.  She's demanding, has a temper, she doesn't do last (or second) with anything.  She is constantly tackling her sisters and stealing their toys.  She's crawling all over the place and is now pulling herself up to standing! (<--Wha??!! This is so early for my kids!  I keep trying to tell her to stop)  She constantly has the growl going on that we decided she got from Grandpa Pack, but it strangely stops in front of new people. She's a heavy mouth breather and cries every time you take her out of the bathtub.  Her personality is a lot like Colum and we love it.  She's hilarious.  

So basically Wren and Holland are crawling everywhere and Dale is right behind them.  It's way too many babies crawling!  We took our dining table out of the dining room and moved all the baby toys etc in there and I'm going to buy a gate, but now I'm questioning that it may be too small of a room.  I definitely don't want them having rains over the entire house though, I change my mind constantly.  

We were brave and took them camping last weekend.  Our trailer is small and somehow we were able to set up 3 playpens for them to sleep in, but this caused a slight problem because there was nowhere to sit.  With the help of a lot of our friends taking turns holding babies we managed and had a great time.  The 2nd night Finn was sitting on my lap around the camp fire.  I looked up into the night sky and realized I couldn't remember the last time I had seen the stars.  I told Finn to look up and pointed out to him one of the dippers and explained how one of the stars near it was named Colum Jacob Pack.  I promised him this summer we were going to find it.  I also told him what a falling star was and how if he ever saw one that he should make a wish and it will come true.  He excitedly told me that he knew exactly what he was going to wish for.  "I'm going to wish for Colum to come back alive Mom", he said it slowly in a slight whisper, as if it were a stroke of genius.  I grumbled something about how that's the one thing you can't wish for, if it was I would be out there every single night no matter how long it would take.  I love that he said that.  I love that he misses him still and still talks about him daily.  

We LOVE going to estate sales.  We've gone to them for years especially before the accident.  Always on the hunt for midcentury modern treasures.  Ryan was driving home from work one day and saw a sign and stopped at one.  He bought a never been used Utah Power & Light hat just like his Dad used to wear and a few other things.  He couldn't stop talking about it so we loaded up the kids the next day and went for it was only a couple miles away.  The estate sale women were oohing and awing over the girls.  I was in the next room as Finn guarded over his babies.  I overheard one woman say, "oh I bet you wish one of them were a boy so you could have a little brother don't you?".  I cringed.  Finn quickly responded, "I do have a little brother!  BUT HE DIED", he yelled that last part.  I smiled to myself in the next room.  Finn is a child and he doesn't understand the awkwardness that sometimes follows, nor does awkwardness come when a child says his sibling died.  I also know that he doesn't care that he got 3 sisters and no more brothers.  He loves his sisters SO MUCH.  And they are completely smitten with him.  One of the ladies in charge of the estate sale didn't overhear this conversation between them.  She asked me if I was "open" to stuff and I said yes.  She told me that I have a very strong female presence with me and asked if my Mother had passed.  I said no, only one of my Grandma's that I'd never met.  She said "Oh that's her".  I asked, "there's no little boy presence huh?".  She looked puzzled so I gave her a quick rundown.  She told me that one of the babies was Colum reincarnated.  This is actually the third time I've been told that.  It doesn't make me angry or bring me any relief.  I don't necessarily believe that, but I'm open minded to the idea.  Sometimes when Wren looks at me it's almost like she sees right through me, she just knows.  Dale always bounces when I'm feeding her and looks up at me and smiles with her dimples.  Holland lets out a loud temper tantrum like growl cry and as soon as my eyes meet hers she smiles (but continues to growl cry).  


I don't need to be told. 

He's in all of them.  

I see it every day.



And totally out of order are some pictures.


Finn is done with kindergarten!  Here he is with his BFF Tyler.  I really hope they are in the same class again next year!

All ready for their first swim.  I've been dying to put them in their swimsuits.

Since I usually have to feed Holland first sometimes these two just can't stay awake.  Here are Dale and Wren fast asleep.  It's funny and heartbreaking at the same time.

I mean can you handle it?

Finn walking around the lake while camping.  I love how he moves.  He has me wrapped around his little finger.

A hay ride in October 2011.  That face is the same one Holland makes when she cries.  He died in that coat and ironically that is the jacket they cut off of me that dreadful night.  

We went downtown to a festival.  I always forget that we are going to be quite the spectacle when we take the babies out.  The triplets were the main attraction.  The only thing that bothers me is when people take pictures.  These girls aren't bothered by the grass one bit.

Took every one out to dinner after a long day doing stuff I don't remember.  The babies were tired of being in their car seats and a complete stranger at a restaurant snagged a fussy baby Wren so we could eat.  

My 90 year old Grandma Jacob.  This is where Holland gets her chubby cheeks.

Took everybody to see a steam engine train from the '40's.  This was pretty much our first experience of being a spectacle at a crowded event.  An older gal asked me if "I'd gotten fertilized to get the triplets" lol.  (Ryan didn't know what to do with his hand).

The girls first Easter!  

My first time that I hit the 5 mile mark since the accident.  I cried.  I didn't think this would ever happen again.

Holland's favorite past time.  But she cries and cries because she's too scared to get down.

I love this picture.  Ryan, with Holland on his back wearing his Utah Power & Light hat.

I asked him if he wanted to cut his hair and he said maybe after his Birthday.  I never want to cut it to be honest.  But I also don't want him to look back at pictures of his childhood and say, "Mom why didn't you cut my hair".  

That's Cameron, he is exactly one month older than Colum.  Here he is holding Dale.  They are betrothed to be married!  All of our friends have boys... and I have triplet girls.  I bet they will grow up playing kissing tag when we go on our traditional camping trip ;).

Walked into this yesterday!  Good thing we lowered their cribs already... might have to lower Holland's some more.  And yes their room is pretty much a disaster.