::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


The Labyrinth

On 12.24.2011 I was thrown into a dark cold place.    At first all I could do was just lay there shivering.  I was alone and terrified.  Eventually, I got up because I knew I had to keep going.   I walked down frigid dark tunnels and hit countless dead ends.  I was lost, I couldn't find my way out, it became apparent I was never going to get out.  The darkness was my new normal.  So I decided to just make the best of this unfamiliar place.   I became accustomed to the sadness and the deep despair.  Each tear that I shed made me feel closer to him, being sad was the only thing that would bring him back to me and that is where I sought the most comfort.  On occasion Ryan and I walked hand in hand down dark corridors but eventually I learned that we both needed to get acquainted with this extraordinary somber place on our own.  Colum was gone and all I could do to honor him was get up and brave my way through the shadows.  Very slowly every dark corner, every locked door, and each wrong turn became a little bit more recognizable.  I'm not sure when the exact moment, day, or week that it happened but I somehow realized I had dug my way out.  One day I looked behind me and I saw a small shovel lying next to a pile of dirt and a hole just big enough for me to crawl out of and the sun, the sun was shining.


I was suddenly thrown into my own labyrinth of grief that night over 2 years ago.  I've worked REALLY REALLY hard and I'm proud to say that I'm no longer lost.  I still cry on occasion but I am free of my dark cloud.  I laugh a lot more than I cry.  I feel strong again.  I am happy, really truly happy again.  I'm back!  Kelly is back and she has freaking triplets.  

I have mostly unknowingly written my grief and the way I grieve right here on this blog.  On occasion somebody tells me "oh so and so started reading your blog", and I suddenly find myself feeling really self-conscious.  My blog is raw.  My blog is sad.  I put it all out there.  But this blog has saved me so many times.  There have been a few occasions where I've felt judged by how openly I have grieved or by the fact that I was still grieving.  One thing I've learned about grief is that 1) you cannot put a timeline on grieving and 2) everybody grieves differently...EVERYBODY.  

I knew I would be okay, about a year into it I had this epiphany that everything was going to be okay.  But if I'm being completely honest I never knew that I would be able to get to here.  I am in such a good place right now.  It's never going to be completely gone, but I know I've made it through the roughest seas.

My little dollies are now 6 months old!  They are rolling all over the place, and are constantly making us laugh.  Holland, Wren, & Dale

This is them at their 4 month check-up (but they were almost 5 mos).  They are all dressed down to be weighed and to get their shots.  They kinda always hold each others hands it's so cute!  Dale, Wren, Holland

This is us at the grocery store.  It was our first time in the stroller (which doesn't fit through doorways or on sidewalks).  I was relieved that it could fit down the aisles.  We don't get out too often because there's usually at least one baby sleeping.  They are not all on the same schedule quite yet, more like all on their own schedules but we are getting closer I can feel it.

My oldest friend and I decided to go skiing for the first time since the 90's last month.  I didn't know if I'd be able to.  As long as I stick to the really easy stuff I'm okay.  

So Ryan and I got a sitter and went night skiing a week later.  We were so happy he could ski with his drop foot!

See that little snowboarder in the green pants?  Thats my Finn!  He wants to snowboard and I'm not even kidding I totally cried when Ry and I were able to go and spy on him during his lesson.  He's catching on really good.

I promise to write again soon.  Oh and I've also decided I really truly am going to write a book.  More details on everything later.  xoxo