::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



I have started and not finished writing 3, and yes I said 3 blogposts but just never finished them.  If I don't write a blog post and post it in the same day, I start to have 2nd thoughts about it and decide it sorta doesn't even make sense sometimes.

So I am determined to write AND post this post today!

I think it's cause I have triplets.  The number 3 is associated with almost everything in my head these days.  

I should be cleaning and organizing our mudroom and garage, but I decided to do what I wanted to do instead of what I have to do.  I can't decide if I do this too much or not enough, and it's kinda freaky.  I think I don't know what's normal for time management and production anymore and I think it's because I have triplets.  Having triplets and doing it mostly on your own trumps everything.  Ryan works A WHOLE LOT, and I haven't had regular help since May.  I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do miss adult conversations.


I just have to start off by saying I LOVE HAVING DAUGHTERS!  While pregnant with three daughters I overheard several conversations in the waiting room at my MFM appointments.  Other pregnant Moms both expecting boys and going on and on about what a relief it was that they were having boys because their daughters were SO MUCH HARDER (people in Utah have a lot of kids).

I don't really do drama.  But I feel like the people that cause the most drama I know say that, including all The Housewives (cause I sorta know them cause I've watched all the shows---obsessed).  I was super scared about the drama that could start in girl babies as young as 3 months old.  I am not one to get super excited over girl clothes, or girl baby clothes.  I mean I have my moments but I'd say I'm less than your average.

Also during the pregnancy with the girls people would always ask what the sexes of the babies were.  About 98% percent of the time after answering the question we got some very exaggerated sighs, loud whoas, I mean we got a whole lot of I am so scared for you reactions.  These were mostly from people who had daughters of their own which added to our fears (or maybe just mine).

I love them so much!  They watch Annie with me....ANNIE circa 1982!!!  They've been watching it with me since they were 12 months old, yeah I know, advanced right? Annie was my show growing up.  I mean I even had the haircut and the perm which my Mom swears I requested but I will never believe her.  We watch The Little Mermaid.  I sing all the songs to them cause I know every word by heart and they (especially Dale) just thinks I am something remarkable.  They freaking love shoes already.  When I ask them not to do something in our baby talk way they listen.  They are thoughtful, sweet, and considerate and I die everyday.  They live to please.  They are very very good babies and I'm so lucky.  We are really lucky cause we've had 5 pretty easy going babies. 

They play together!  They go in this Barbie tent and just laugh and laugh...we can't figure out what they are laughing at.  Sometimes when only 2 of them wake up from their naps I'll give the third baby another 10 minutes until I wake her up.  When I wake her up and she looks around and doesn't see even one sister they go into a sort of a panic.  They don't cry they just turn their heads from side to side frantically searching for another.  

In other huge news, I think I'm going back to work full time (which is exactly why I should be cleaning the mudroom right now).  I've cried about it.  I've been excited about it.  I am beyond terrified.  I'm not 100% sure I will make a profit after paying my sitter so that's not gonna work for long if I don't.  I will announce when and where once it's written in stone.  ...I'm scared about how we are gonna ever get any laundry done.  

I'm scared I will miss my babies so much that my heart will stop.  I'm scared they won't know I'm their Mom.  I'm really worried about the laundry.  Will I ever workout again?  Am I sane enough to be out in public 5 days a week?

One of our last walks before it snowed.

www.rachelandgroms.com sent us the rompers the girls are wearing and Finn's shirt.  I  LOVE them!  They wash well and I love how the legs are tight and the body part is loose on their rompers.  She's also a local girl and a friend.  You can follow her on instagram at RAGS_TO_RACHES

My attempt at getting a picture of all of us.  Sometimes they take turns sitting on my lap and sometimes they all pile on and it's hilarious.  I love them btw.  Taken in the late morning and I'm wearing my pajamas and no make up, I'm almost always in my pajamas now that it's so cold!....but not for long, I'm gonna be a career mom.) 
Any Mom's that have gone back to work and have encouraging stories or advice your comments are needed welcome!  I'm kind of dying and my mudroom and garage need me.


  1. Your family is so beautiful! I love that you are enjoying your girls. I have one of each and both have had their own challenges in their own time. They are nearly 16 & 18 now and so awesome. I wasn't able to stay home with them because we live in a very expensive area. I regret that but the grass is always greener right?

    If you can make it work so that you are actually making money over what you pay for your sitter and you are not missing them to the point where you can't concentrate on work, then you will know what to do. Good luck on your decision!

    Oh and laundry will always be there. Never ending battle that it is. Teach the kids early how to throw a load in! :)

  2. I got so excited to see a post from you. Thank you for the catch up! Love how you described watching Annie with your girls.

  3. I went back to work when my twins were 3 months. It was hard, but there was no way financially I could stay home with them. They went to a daycare with other babies and had the best time. At 18 months, we had to move them to a different daycare and their language exploded. They still have twin talk, but they can talk with us more. They enjoy playing with their friends and seeing their teachers. They don't cry when we drop them off anymore (only 3 days of that) and there is pure joy on their faces when we pick them up.

    Your girls will be fine. They will know you are their momma - there isn't anyone who can take your place.

  4. Kelly - I love, love, love and have always loved having girls. I have two - 26 and 24. The teen years were tricky - as expected - but communication was always encouraged. I refused to let them shut me out of their thoughts and they learned I wasn't going to go away without having resolved the issue. I'm so excited for you to have a career on the horizon. You have navigated so much in your life that I'm sure you will rock this whole thing and your kids will be all the better for it. Best wishes to you all! Gail

  5. ANNIE & THE LITTLE MERMAID!!!! Girl, you are raising those kids right! I love that.

    I'll be thinking about you while you transition to working full-time. Not easy, I'm sure, but just imagine seeing all those eyes light up when you walk through the door. Makes my heart melt just thinking about it.


  6. That photo of the girls in their rompers and Finn in his new shirt is so darling. So I wondered what to tell you about this lovely post of yours. I thought I'd give you 3 things to think about since you're into 3's these days: (1) your children are all beautiful - you already know that!! (2) I was raised with 4 sisters, no brothers, but I loved raising my boy? I don't get that but oh well (3) working will be a hard transition but the kids will adjust, learn, still love you - tell the sitter not to tell you when they do new stuff - you want to discover that yourself. I'm adding 2 more so that there are 5 things to represent your 5 beautiful children: (4) laundry is hard for all of us - I'm amazed how it PILES up so fast. I do a lot of it for me and my married kids and grandson who live with me. It's my small contribution to help with the onslaught of clothes. I can't imagine your laundry but it will work out somehow (5) I think you are amazing, beautiful and fabulous with or without makeup. I hope your additional role as a working mom is a good experience. It's something some of us have to do even though we would rather stay home with our children. I stated working full-time when my son was 2 1/2. I thought to myself that I would stop when he went to kindergarten. He's 31 years old!! BUT....my grandson will be 5 next year and start kindergarten in the fall. I will retire in December 2015 after 30 years with the state so I'll finally be able to do all those things I wanted to do 26 years ago but never had time. Good luck my young friend and enjoy every season of life.....it goes by so fast, it's unbelieveable how quickly it flies by.

  7. I have 2 kids and work full time. It's hard, but makes my time with them even better. I live for the weekends. I hope you find joy in the journey. You are an inspiration!

  8. I only have one kid (5 yr old daughter) - that's all I'm brave enough to have LOL. But anyways I went back to work when she was 3 or 4 months old because I was flat out bored. I worked until she was about 1 1/2 and had to quit due to having horrendous panic attacks while driving. I was out of work for a year and got a work at home job.

    Sooo that's something you COULD look into, but 95% of work at home places require no background noise so I don't know how easy that would be for you. If you are interested, I can always send you links to LEGIT work at home job leads.

    I wish you the best of luck. I've said this before but they are beautiful. I know Colum is such a proud brother and watches over them constantly.

  9. Your girls are so beautiful, as is your son here on earth and your little blonde angel son. Reading through earlier posts, I gathered that you had identical's and a singleton but they ALL look exactly alike to me...I honestly couldn't pick the identical's out here!