::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

3.24.2014

The Labyrinth

On 12.24.2011 I was thrown into a dark cold place.    At first all I could do was just lay there shivering.  I was alone and terrified.  Eventually, I got up because I knew I had to keep going.   I walked down frigid dark tunnels and hit countless dead ends.  I was lost, I couldn't find my way out, it became apparent I was never going to get out.  The darkness was my new normal.  So I decided to just make the best of this unfamiliar place.   I became accustomed to the sadness and the deep despair.  Each tear that I shed made me feel closer to him, being sad was the only thing that would bring him back to me and that is where I sought the most comfort.  On occasion Ryan and I walked hand in hand down dark corridors but eventually I learned that we both needed to get acquainted with this extraordinary somber place on our own.  Colum was gone and all I could do to honor him was get up and brave my way through the shadows.  Very slowly every dark corner, every locked door, and each wrong turn became a little bit more recognizable.  I'm not sure when the exact moment, day, or week that it happened but I somehow realized I had dug my way out.  One day I looked behind me and I saw a small shovel lying next to a pile of dirt and a hole just big enough for me to crawl out of and the sun, the sun was shining.

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I was suddenly thrown into my own labyrinth of grief that night over 2 years ago.  I've worked REALLY REALLY hard and I'm proud to say that I'm no longer lost.  I still cry on occasion but I am free of my dark cloud.  I laugh a lot more than I cry.  I feel strong again.  I am happy, really truly happy again.  I'm back!  Kelly is back and she has freaking triplets.  

I have mostly unknowingly written my grief and the way I grieve right here on this blog.  On occasion somebody tells me "oh so and so started reading your blog", and I suddenly find myself feeling really self-conscious.  My blog is raw.  My blog is sad.  I put it all out there.  But this blog has saved me so many times.  There have been a few occasions where I've felt judged by how openly I have grieved or by the fact that I was still grieving.  One thing I've learned about grief is that 1) you cannot put a timeline on grieving and 2) everybody grieves differently...EVERYBODY.  


I knew I would be okay, about a year into it I had this epiphany that everything was going to be okay.  But if I'm being completely honest I never knew that I would be able to get to here.  I am in such a good place right now.  It's never going to be completely gone, but I know I've made it through the roughest seas.

My little dollies are now 6 months old!  They are rolling all over the place, and are constantly making us laugh.  Holland, Wren, & Dale


This is them at their 4 month check-up (but they were almost 5 mos).  They are all dressed down to be weighed and to get their shots.  They kinda always hold each others hands it's so cute!  Dale, Wren, Holland

This is us at the grocery store.  It was our first time in the stroller (which doesn't fit through doorways or on sidewalks).  I was relieved that it could fit down the aisles.  We don't get out too often because there's usually at least one baby sleeping.  They are not all on the same schedule quite yet, more like all on their own schedules but we are getting closer I can feel it.

My oldest friend and I decided to go skiing for the first time since the 90's last month.  I didn't know if I'd be able to.  As long as I stick to the really easy stuff I'm okay.  

So Ryan and I got a sitter and went night skiing a week later.  We were so happy he could ski with his drop foot!

See that little snowboarder in the green pants?  Thats my Finn!  He wants to snowboard and I'm not even kidding I totally cried when Ry and I were able to go and spy on him during his lesson.  He's catching on really good.


I promise to write again soon.  Oh and I've also decided I really truly am going to write a book.  More details on everything later.  xoxo



24 comments:

  1. What a fabulous post. Thank you for letting us know how you are doing my dear. Your children are all so beautiful, as is your capacity to express yourself. Keep on being true to yourself and in what you write. I have a feeling your blog inspires many, as it does me.

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  2. So happy you're happy (: Love the updates and pix!

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  3. So good to hear that all is well!!! Thanks for the update on life with all of you.

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  4. Thanks for the update Kelly - so glad to hear you're feeling better. Reminded me of that saying "the only way out is through", so glad you have put it all out here and made it through the shadows back to the sun!

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  5. Congratulations on making it through the labyrinth. So very glad to hear that you are in a happy place. Your daughters and Finn are adorable.

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  6. I follow you on Instagram, but I still love reading your words, your heartfelt, truth! :) Those sweet, sweet baby girls are just too precious for words. My goodness, I could them up! :) I love seeing their little faces, what they're doing, etc. because my daughter is 6.5 months! :) I look forward to reading more about your book! :)

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  7. I am a stranger on the other side of the country, but I've been following your blog since right after the accident. I can't tell you how many times your words brought me to tears as my heart ached for you and your family. I was overjoyed like I personally knew you when you found out you all were expecting. I love seeing pictures of your family and hearing that everyone is well. I just wanted to take a moment and tell you that your journey has touched my heart.

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  8. Finn snowboarding is the cutest!!! I think anyone who is critical of how long someone grieves has never lost someone close to them. You are amazing and have worked through things so well. I am glad you are doing well and enjoying your sweet family.I think of your sweet Colum and your family often and have been so touched by your blog. keep being your cute self and don't let critical people make you second guess yourself:) Sending love your way!

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  9. Please please please don't feel self conscious about your blog. Your blog has saved me too on many occasions....reading about your grief made me feel like I wasn't so alone in my own grief. And reading about your joyous moments has given me hope. I'm so happy you've found your sunshine again. It feels great, doesn't it? It makes every moment have more meaning. Thank you for being you and sharing this journey...it truly has been a gift to me.

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  10. Kelly, it's was so good to see your post tonight, I ran into brandy the other day, I guess it's probably been a good week or week and a half and she said she got a chance to babysit the triplets she said they we're doing great I was so glad to hear that, I hadn't seen a post I was so worried about you and your family it's so good that you are doing great keep up the great work and I can't wait for an Easter post three girls in gorgeous outfits with brother and columns watching as he always does.

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  11. Such a fabulous post, you said some things that I really needed to hear today. I am so happy that you have found yourself again. And your kiddos (all 5 of them) are adorable!

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  12. Such a lovely post! Thank you for making me smile this morning and massive, massive credit to you for your amazing attitude and strength. You totally deserve your happiness.

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  13. You go girl!! The loss of your precious Colum changed you forever but the you that you are today is strong and good...you are a hero to many of us. You never gave up wanting to be happy but all that takes time. Time can't heal but it gives your brain and your heart the "time" to adjust to the new normal. I'm so glad you have your baby girls and that Finn...oh man, he is so darn cute and I love that he's learning to snowboard...what a DUDE!! As the saying goes, we never know how strong we are until it is the only choice we have. Your Colum must so proud of his parents and sisters and big brother. He's smiling today because you are smiling. I'm glad you toughed it out and found the sunshine my friend.

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  14. Welcome Back!!!! You have been missed!!!! The girls are adorable!! And Finn snowboarding is the cutest!! So glad you have found happiness once again!!

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  15. Hi Kelly! My name is Heather and I have a question about your blog! If you could email me at Lifesabanquet1(at)gmail(dot)com I would greatly appreciate it!

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  16. I have followed your blog for a long time and recently in the syracuse ish area a friend of mines sister lost her 5 1/2 month old to the flu.. I bet she could benefit from hearing from you! Her blog is avioletlifeforme.blogspot

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  17. Thanks for the update! I've been missing you. I'm so glad to hear you say you are happy. I think you're amazing! AND those girls are precious. AND Finn, snowboarding! He looks so cute out there on the snow.

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  18. So very happy to hear from you! Your photos are delightful - how wonderful that you've all been skiing and the girls look wonderful. Any little bit you share is so greatly appreciated - thank you!

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  19. Your book will be Wonderful!! You write so well! So happy you are happy! ! One quick question. I sent crocheted hats for the girls back in maybe October I think? But I never heard anything as to whether you got them. I wasn't expecting a reply but I just remembered about them and wanted to make sure I sent them to the right address and you got them or if they got lost in the mail?

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    1. Yes! We love them! They are still a little big, I'm thinking they will fit soon & during next Fall & Winter. I'm so sorry, I kinda sucked at getting thank you's out after they were born. I will hopefully post pics of them wearing them. Xoxoxo

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    2. Don't feel bad at all! I am TERRIBLE at thank you cards! I figured they would be too big but eventually from in to them. I'm just glad they made it and I didn't send them to the wrong address or they got lost. Hoping to make the trip to utah for the pack reunion in Aug!

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  20. Thanks for sharing. I've been following your blog from the beginning and you are truly an inspiration! Thanks for sharing your journey!

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  21. Thank you for sharing your blog, your babies are so beautiful, all five of them. You are an inspiration to many. I think you should write a book! I'll buy it for sure!:) thanks for sharing your family

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  22. Hello there how are everyone doing these days, miss knowing about your girls and about Finn, he might be in love with all three, waiting for updates, Thanks for sharing :)

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