::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



Holland, Wren, and Dale.  It takes us an hour or more to pack everybody up and load them all into the car.  There is always at least one baby crying the entire way to our destination.  Oh my gosh, I'm so in love with them it hurts!
Do you believe in ghosts?  Or spiritual beings of any kind?  Have you ever had any personal experiences?  I don't think I do, but I'm always open to be proven wrong.  Years ago I would occasionally watch those ghost hunter shows where the so called experts would take their high-tech ghost buster equipment to haunted places and play creepy recordings of ghosts talking and sudden temperature drops etc, and it would prove that these places were indeed haunted.  ...always a little skeptical.

I've never seen a ghost or heard one before.  But I will say that sometimes out of nowhere there will be a heavy static over the baby monitors and I sometimes wonder if it's Colum kissing his sisters while they sleep, or even just passing through.  I'm sure there's also a scientific reason as to why the static happens out of nowhere... but I'm trying to use my imagination here.  Either way, it always makes me smile.  I talk to him... I'm always talking to him.  I don't necessarily feel feel him.  I try to, I want to feel anything.  Maybe I do and it's just not as profound as I want it to be.  Maybe I lack the imagination or the spiritual sensitivity.  Maybe?  I'm not religious, but I am a very spiritual person.  It took me several years to come to the realization that there's a difference between the two, at least for me.

I know he is always with me though, if that makes sense.  A chunk of my heart is floating around somewhere whether it be in ghost form, energy, a heavenly toddler, a cluster of atoms?  I still miss my little boy!

Now, lets get back to the living shall we.  My beautiful daughters are wonderful.  They are super happy and they just give so much love.  And, they ALL have beautiful thick dark eyelashes!!!  I'm soooo proud!, dreams really do come true people.  Holland is sick with an awful cold right now and it's heartbreaking.  I'm pretty sure her eyes are going to be brown, but they look very green too.  Dale and Wren are going to for sure have blue or green eyes.  I've been trying to dress them all the same a lot more often.  Because, it's not everyday you have a freaking set of all girl triplets.  

I've never shared on here just how crazy I can get after I have babies.  I was worried it was going to happen again.  I don't get Post-partum depression, I get Post-partum OCD & anxiety (after both boys).  After I had Colum I was by far the craziest I've ever felt.  I couldn't sleep at night because I would obsess about burp cloths and messes.  I couldn't leave the house because of all the messes I would come home to or the ones I would get behind on.  People don't talk about Post-partum OCD, mostly just the depression.  I had NO IDEA there was such a thing.  I think it's a lot more common than most people think.

I'm happy to say that I didn't go mental this time!  I'm doing really great.  In fact I think I'm doing better mentally with triplets than I did when I just had one at a time.  Way to go out with a bang huh?  I'm in a really good place.  I think we all are doing pretty good.  Since we've moved I've been going to a different barre studio the past few weeks.  It's great to have some much needed 'me' time plus Dr Phil says you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.  I just started watching him, a few episodes now.  Makes my problems seem very minimal.  I think he might be a genius.

Holland and Wren.  Love the jammies they're wearing!  They were gifted to us by some of you guys xoxo!

We celebrated Ryan's Birthday last week.  Ry and I went to lunch then went back and grabbed Finn and went rock climbing.  

my boys <3

His little butt in his harness just kills me!

pre-rock climbing photo.  (I'm trying to be in some pictures with my kids, even though I don't love it)

Grandma Pack holding the trips!  Wren, Dale, and Holland (out of order)

I've decided if at least one of them is looking at the camera it's a success!  

Finn and I went to lunch and saw the movie Frozen.  He thinks Elsa is definitely cuter than Anna.  The boy prefers blondes.

And he eats sushi with jalapenos in it...even with chopsticks.  Pretty sure he has no clue he's eating raw fish.

Holland, Wren, and Dale...I can barely handle it.


  1. I love when you update your blog:) Those three girls are just gorgeous thanks for sharing. And I do believe in ghosts or spirits and that they're around us all the time and definitely acting as our angels. You most definitely have a very SPECIAL angel with you and I have no doubt he's spending a great deal of time with his three beautiful sisters and big brother. Thanks again for the update, you're amazing!

  2. The best!…..can't get enough of the triplets and Finn and the LOVE that is in your home!

  3. I believe in an afterlife and that your little guy is definitely looking over you and especially those three angels that he was with before they came to this earth. Your story touches me to my core!

  4. I have followed your blog since that terrible night... We are so glad you are doing so well, What a sweet family.

  5. I believe in angels and spirits. Both my grandma and mom swear they were visited by their children after death, reassuring them they were ok. After my brother died I did a ton of reading about the afterlife, near death experiences and angels. I believe.

    I also believe your children are freaking adorable!

  6. My husband stayed with me along time after he left earth. I think he comforted me until I was ready to move on. I don't feel him around as much as I once did. But then again, it is a little easier now. Comfort comes in strange ways. Be blessed.

  7. I believe the deceased visit us. My fiancee and I had a friend that died almost 5 years ago (the anniversary is coming up...I"m so sad). My 4 year old daughter randomly asked me the other day where he was. When I showed her his picture, she told me his name.....she has NEVER seen his picture before and I don't speak of him often. I think he came to play with her recently :-)

  8. My daughter made be a believer when she was 3yrs old (now 13) I was a little freaked out when she wanted to play on her swingset with the "nice man" outside! I thought maybe he was hiding in a bush somewhere. Seriously freaked me out! Later on.... maybe several weeks later, we were looking through family photo albums and she pointed out the nice man that played with her on the swingset. It was my Grandpa. He passed away before she was born. I like to think that it was him. I, like you am not religious, but spiritual. I agree that there is a difference between the two for me also. Your family is so cute. You really should try to get in more pictures with them. You'll be glad that you did later on. One day we'll all be someone's memory. Get in the pictures. :)

  9. I do believe in Spiritual beings! Absolutely! Here are 2 very great articles. They are a good read and might answer any questions!
    I think your babies are stunning...all 5 of them. But I see where they get their looks! :)
    I think that you are an unbelievable person!



  10. 'Life After Death' by Eben Alexander is a fabulous book about a near-death experience if you're interested in reading about that type of thing (you know - with all of that free time you have as a mom of triplets).

  11. SOOOO beautiful!!! all of you!!!! I know that Colum watches over you all and smiles every single day. I know it. the other day I was driving home and the most vivid angel wings were in the clouds. I am so upset I didn't get a picture. It was so amazing. Sending love to all of you!!

  12. Three things.
    1) I think you are so pretty and an awesome mommy. I can tell from your writing.
    2) Your baby daughters are beautiful. Big brother is adorable also.
    3) I believe your angel Colum is with your family more than you even realize. Watching over you from heaven. I believe it without a doubt.

  13. Love the post & I know your hands are full. Glad you are having the pix with the kids - and you look great. Your little one does visit your babies - my grandchild kept talking about the man she saw in my hall and later on she pointed out his photo and he died shortly before she was born. I''m glad you are taking some "you" time as you have your hands very full.

  14. YES!!!! I KNOW that those that have gone on do come back and let you know they are okay. We just had an experience where my husbands mother passed away in October. The other night he and I were in the room alone and he was getting his guitar out ready to play. He had the guitar sitting on the coffee table and was standing in front of it looking through a book. I was sitting on the hearth by the fire getting warm. Suddenly a loud perfect strum with all 5 strings came from that guitar. NO ONE WAS TOUCHING IT!!! My husband and I looked at each other and he said "What in the crap was that"? I said I'll tell you exactly what it was, it was your Mom letting you know she's okay!!! It was an awesome experience! Watch for those signs from Column he will be with you always!!!!!!

  15. I like your last line....I can barely handle how adorable and cute your children are!! Do I believe in ghosts? Not so much ghosts but I know those who go before us to the other side of life (heaven) can and do come to us when it is right for them to do so. I have so so many stories of people in my family seeing a loved one. I have had several experiences: When my husband passed away, he called my name every night for about 6 months. I finally went to the cemetery to ask him "what am I doing wrong? is there something I need to do?" I never really figured it out but I think that he wanted me to be happy, to move forward, to live my life as best I can without him. I have felt him many times and know that he's watching over me. He was a tall man 6'4" tall and had a big personality to match his size. I don't think think heaven (or hell for that matter) could stop him from helping us know he is around. The day my son got married, my sister said "I saw Rich sitting on the back row" and she pointed to a specific spot. The thing is....she pointed to the exact row and spot where he liked to sit in church. Then two nights before my step dad passed away, only 5 months after my husband, he told my mother that my husband Rich was sitting on the bed talking to him all night. Knowing my husband, he would have talked and talked and told stories and made my step dad feel safe and not afraid. I always wish for my husband to come to me in my dreams (he has only twice) but I don't think it necessarily happens when we want it. My mother passed away only 7 weeks after my dad so with all 3 passing away within 7 months, I feel they are somehow connected. I don't think you have to be "religious" to have those feelings and inspiration to know someone you love is near. I have a feeling Colum is close by watching his brother, sisters and parents. I don't know how it all works but I like to think we all have angels watching over us...protecting us and comforting us. I makes life just a little easier for me. I'm glad you didn't have too much post-partum or OCD.

  16. Must comment again... Friday at work me and my three co-workers were enjoying lunch and somehow got on the topic of the afterlife and people watching over and sometimes making themselves known. Each and everyone of us had a story to tell of someone who had passed on but reappeared. I wish more studies were done on this phenomenom!

  17. Kelly it makes me heart smile to hear you feel that you're in a good place right now. Colum is always with you, no doubt and perhaps in time you will find it to be more of a profound presence. Maybe he knows what's best for you and you'll feel more when he knows the time is right for all.
    Those girls could not be any more gorgeous!! So happy they've started out healthy and so far kept up the luck besides colds etc! How they are growing, oh my! You guys are doing such a fantastic job, I admire that you have your priorities straight and know to just enjoy this precious & limited time of them being babies.
    I feel I've had the postpartum depression that was partly from being nearly OCD about not being able to be super mom when my 2nd arrived. I agree and think people really need to bring it more out in the open for how common it can be. It would certainly help other moms feel more OK with acknowledging it and getting help the help they may need which can be crucial to the whole family! . I'm so glad you're having an easier time with the girls and that you guys are able to enjoy them!
    Finn is such a cute and unique kid, I love it!!! Those girls are so lucky to have such a great big brother and another angel brother watching over them from above. They'll be well protected for sure, as they should be!
    I feel we all have our loved ones that have already passed on closer than we may think or feel. I like to think those I miss know when I miss and think about them, and that eventually we will be together again.
    I myself had an experience this summer after my toddlers birthday party, right when I was feeling sad someone I've lost wasn't there to see him and be with us that day. At that same moment, only one of our decorations started to flip back and forth wildly against the wall it was hung on. No fans going, windows open, etc. I wasn't scared, more felt he was letting me know he had been there, and it sent chills throughout my body even though.
    I also did not fully know the difference between being religious and spiritual until a few years ago, and I'm definitely more spiritual than religious as well.
    You are so hitting a lot of similarities with me in this post! I'll admit- I watch Dr. Phil, and only as of the last month or so. I also have been learning (the hard way!) lately that "me" time is as important and beneficial to my family and those around me as it is for myself. There's always chores, errands, calls, etc. but life is short and its more important to enjoy it and be happy! Especially when you have little ones!! They get big too fast and I think its wise to skip laundry now and then to get precious time you will never get back!!
    Wishing you and your CUTE family much love, happiness, peace, and good health and luck Kelly! Have to say it again- those girls are freaking GORGEOUS!!!! Finn & Colum are some handsome boys! ;)

  18. Missing your posts and updates VERY much! Hope all is well!!!!!!

  19. I am thankful for this post today. I, too, think very much on the reality of spiritual beings and how often Cannon is with me. I wish I knew all the details of what his experiences are now. Thank you for sharing your life with us. It helps me so much.

  20. Heavenly Father loves all of his children, religious, spiritual, whatever. He always has his angels round about us lifting us. I know that for me when I am trying to hard to feel someone lost I don't feel anything. But when I relax I feel what I need or have it given to me by someone. In this last case my daughter was very, very, sick and I felt so alone in the hospital and wondered why I couldn't feel my loved ones around me. The night we were able to bring her home she came into my room and said "Mommy, do you remember Grandpa that died on my birthday? (referring to my Grandpa and her Great Grandpa) He came to me in the hospital in one of my favorite shirts he used to wear and asked me to tell you not to worry because Grandpa is here." I guess she just needed to feel him with her more than me but it brings tears to my eyes!