::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



Holland, Wren, and Dale.  It takes us an hour or more to pack everybody up and load them all into the car.  There is always at least one baby crying the entire way to our destination.  Oh my gosh, I'm so in love with them it hurts!
Do you believe in ghosts?  Or spiritual beings of any kind?  Have you ever had any personal experiences?  I don't think I do, but I'm always open to be proven wrong.  Years ago I would occasionally watch those ghost hunter shows where the so called experts would take their high-tech ghost buster equipment to haunted places and play creepy recordings of ghosts talking and sudden temperature drops etc, and it would prove that these places were indeed haunted.  ...always a little skeptical.

I've never seen a ghost or heard one before.  But I will say that sometimes out of nowhere there will be a heavy static over the baby monitors and I sometimes wonder if it's Colum kissing his sisters while they sleep, or even just passing through.  I'm sure there's also a scientific reason as to why the static happens out of nowhere... but I'm trying to use my imagination here.  Either way, it always makes me smile.  I talk to him... I'm always talking to him.  I don't necessarily feel feel him.  I try to, I want to feel anything.  Maybe I do and it's just not as profound as I want it to be.  Maybe I lack the imagination or the spiritual sensitivity.  Maybe?  I'm not religious, but I am a very spiritual person.  It took me several years to come to the realization that there's a difference between the two, at least for me.

I know he is always with me though, if that makes sense.  A chunk of my heart is floating around somewhere whether it be in ghost form, energy, a heavenly toddler, a cluster of atoms?  I still miss my little boy!

Now, lets get back to the living shall we.  My beautiful daughters are wonderful.  They are super happy and they just give so much love.  And, they ALL have beautiful thick dark eyelashes!!!  I'm soooo proud!, dreams really do come true people.  Holland is sick with an awful cold right now and it's heartbreaking.  I'm pretty sure her eyes are going to be brown, but they look very green too.  Dale and Wren are going to for sure have blue or green eyes.  I've been trying to dress them all the same a lot more often.  Because, it's not everyday you have a freaking set of all girl triplets.  

I've never shared on here just how crazy I can get after I have babies.  I was worried it was going to happen again.  I don't get Post-partum depression, I get Post-partum OCD & anxiety (after both boys).  After I had Colum I was by far the craziest I've ever felt.  I couldn't sleep at night because I would obsess about burp cloths and messes.  I couldn't leave the house because of all the messes I would come home to or the ones I would get behind on.  People don't talk about Post-partum OCD, mostly just the depression.  I had NO IDEA there was such a thing.  I think it's a lot more common than most people think.

I'm happy to say that I didn't go mental this time!  I'm doing really great.  In fact I think I'm doing better mentally with triplets than I did when I just had one at a time.  Way to go out with a bang huh?  I'm in a really good place.  I think we all are doing pretty good.  Since we've moved I've been going to a different barre studio the past few weeks.  It's great to have some much needed 'me' time plus Dr Phil says you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.  I just started watching him, a few episodes now.  Makes my problems seem very minimal.  I think he might be a genius.

Holland and Wren.  Love the jammies they're wearing!  They were gifted to us by some of you guys xoxo!

We celebrated Ryan's Birthday last week.  Ry and I went to lunch then went back and grabbed Finn and went rock climbing.  

my boys <3

His little butt in his harness just kills me!

pre-rock climbing photo.  (I'm trying to be in some pictures with my kids, even though I don't love it)

Grandma Pack holding the trips!  Wren, Dale, and Holland (out of order)

I've decided if at least one of them is looking at the camera it's a success!  

Finn and I went to lunch and saw the movie Frozen.  He thinks Elsa is definitely cuter than Anna.  The boy prefers blondes.

And he eats sushi with jalapenos in it...even with chopsticks.  Pretty sure he has no clue he's eating raw fish.

Holland, Wren, and Dale...I can barely handle it.


Happy New Year

...I didn't intentionally step away from here, it just happened.  

The days turned into weeks, every once in awhile I'd think to myself oh I need to blog about this but there was no time.  I received some sad news, some news I could've just left alone but I sought it out.  It's okay, every one is okay...I just can't decide if I should share it here or not.  I suppose that's what triggered my break from typing for awhile.  Taking care of triplets and a 5 year old is exhausting and there are times I hit into a wall.  But then, they smile at me and my heart melts into a puddle.  They are honestly the sweetest babies in the world.  

This holiday season was both happy and sad.  I cried a lot more than I expected.  We ventured out a little tiny bit.  We went and visited Colum's headstone on Christmas Eve.  Oh how I can't believe it's been 2 years since I've held him!  He's now been gone longer than he was here.  I went through bins of clothes that he wore as a baby.  Bins I'd packed away when he was alive, items tucked away before I knew or ever dreamed that he would no longer be with us.  I thoroughly smelled each item of clothing searching for any unwashed ones.  His smell is totally gone now, it's just a memory now.  It sadly makes him feel further away somehow.  

Finn has told me multiple times how much he loves Christmas, how Christmas is his favorite.  He asks me if I love Christmas too, and I just reply with a simple yes.  We managed to put up lights on our new house and put up a tree this year all while juggling 3 newborns.  We will forever try and make the holidays a joyful season and not let our sadness overshadow them.

Triplets are a lot of work but I'm trying to soak it all in.  I know I can never get these days back and we treasure every moment.  Dale and Wren (the identical ones) are literally identical in so many ways.  They are both extremely happy and very chatty.  It's pretty crazy to have 2 sets of the same pair of eyes watching and waiting for you to look over at them, and then have them both simultaneously smile at you upon eye contact.  Dale is a better eater and Wren takes some coaxing.  Sometimes Wren and I have to have a good 5-10 minute chat before she will eat at all.  Sometimes Ryan or somebody else besides me has to feed her so she will stop chatting and eat at all.  It makes me laugh because this is the first difference I've noticed between having girls and boys.  Dale is extremely patient and so so sweet.  She rarely cries and is frequently the last one to eat.

Holland.  Oh Holland.  She definitely walks/sleeps/eats to the beat of her own drum.  She is by far held the most and requires the most attention.  She's feisty, has a temper, and is lil' miss sassy pants.  She didn't smile for a few weeks after Wren and Dale and I sorta assumed she was the grumpy one.  But she's caught right up to her sisters.  She has big eyes, olive skin, and chubby cheeks.  Instead of cooing like her sisters she grunts and growls.  If you put her down and she begins to cry; you pick her up, you don't mess around...this girl goes from 0-60 in seconds flat and it can take hours to calm her down.  

Dale and Wren are nearly impossible to tell apart.  All three have their own cribs and we never mix them up.  When I'm holding Wren or Dale I think they seem totally different but I'd never really tested myself.  Ryan and I take turns getting up during the night with the babies and one early morning Dale woke up around 3 or 4am and I fed her and then she fell asleep in her swing (the other two were still in their cribs).  Around 8am I got up and Ryan had fed all three and Wren was crying in her crib and so I got her up to feed her.  About half way through the feeding it hit me, this isn't Wren, this is Dale.  They were dressed the same but Dale still had remnants of the yellow toe nail polish on her toes.  I checked and sure enough it was Dale.  He actually did the same thing the next day and I caught it again!  So, I'm proud to say that I their Mother can tell them apart...sometimes it takes me a minute or ten but I can do it.  

Holland, Wren, and Dale <3  3.5 mos

Finn wanted to be swaddled.  Or maybe we just wanted to swaddle him.

The Festival of Trees.  The blue tree behind me is Colum's and the Purple one is for Norah.  I was crying before we even parked.  I cried so hard I embarrassed myself.  We took 2 of the babies with us and people kept saying "oh look it's twins".  And either Ry or I would quickly say "Uh no they are triplets!".  Twins seem like it would be a piece of cake to us right now :)

My beautiful Holland.  Always has to be held.

Holland, Wren, and Dale after the first time they all slept through the night.  Hasn't really happened since though.

Visiting Colum on Christmas Eve.  Somebody put a stuffed animal there for him <3
Miss you Baby!