::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



I received an email from a probation officer 3-4 days before the girls were born.  There was some paperwork that needed to be filled out and we needed to write letters to the judge as soon as possible.  I cried for days straight.  Yes, I was pregnant and emotional but going back there emotionally was not something I wanted to do.  It's a tough thing to juggle the happiness with the sad at the same time.  Like oil and water, sometimes they just don't mix.  I'd been doing better at crying less and I know too well that for me once it starts it doesn't stop for days or even weeks.

I locked myself in my room and wrote the letter and what I wanted to say at the sentencing the day before I had the triplets.  I knew I had to, for after having a baby I'm completely brain dead for an entire year.  It took me 3 hours and I left out a lot.  I wanted them to hear how this had effected us.  The trial process is all about the defendant and the sentencing is all about the victims.  So it was our time to speak our pain.

I didn't expect to get to finally hear the evidence that we did.  The prosecutor Sandi (who is the best of the best) spoke first and here are some of the key points that I can remember:

*It was found that his vehicle was traveling 78 mph (not 60 mph like we originally guessed), uphill and his foot never came off the gas pedal.

*The state of Utah had tried to rehabilitate him at least 6 times.  It was documented that one of the times he didn't show up for detox he told his probation officer that he wouldn't go because, "he didn't want to be in there with all the drunks and heroine addicts".  Many many failed urine tests where before taking them he said he was clean and upon failing them he would admit his use.

*His cell phone that he allegedly had dropped on the floor and was allegedly the cause of the accident was actually found in the center console of his Suburban. 

*The toxicologists can actually pinpoint if he was actually "high" on Meth or not at the time of the accident.  There are active substances found in the blood and they can pinpoint his usage within hours.  It does stay in your system for 1-3 days after your last usage in a urine test but a blood test is more accurate.  So HE WAS ACTUALLY HIGH ON METH WHEN HE HIT US.

*There was a long history of lies and more lies told by Ainsworth.

*His Mom called the prosecutor a few days before the sentencing saying that she'd given him some Sudafed (Christmas Eve) that he reminded her of and that this was all her fault.  I believe his Mother has truly believed every lie he has told her his entire life.  Here is some of his families statements that I copied from this news story (click here to read it):

The Ainsworths
After the sentence was pronounced, Ainsworth's daughter Amy yelled, "I love you, dad," before running out of the courtroom.
"I feel for (the Pack) family," daughter Sierra Ainsworth, 28, said after the hearing with tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Losing her would kill me," she said, referring to her 1-year-old daughter who she was holding in her arms.
The Packs lost a son, she said, and now she has lost her father. She takes her daughter to visit her grandfather once a month. He has never held her, she said, and now he never will.
Judy Rhees, Ainsworth's mother, said she never expected her son to receive a sentence of up to 45 years behind bars.
"I can't imagine losing a child, but this is going to be hell," she said.

I think a lot of his families statements speak for themselves.  Since the beginning I predicted a Co-dependant Mother and her drug addict son.  I know that may sound harsh but I was right.  I haven't experienced having a child with a drug problem and I pray that I never have to.  Up until the accident that was my very worst fear, now it is my second.  I can empathize with Mother's and family members who are going through this as I think most people can.  But the truth is the Mother's and the family members also need to seek help.  Addiction effects the entire family.

Co-dependency is also an addiction, an illness, a disease.  
As hard as it is you have to break free of the cycle and get professional help for yourself and help on how to handle these types of situations.  It's all to easy to try and baby your addict child to compensate for your own pain and guilt.  It doesn't make you a bad parent or mean that you love your child any less if you make a change, see it for what it is, and learn how to change the situation.  
I'm very passionate about this subject, especially now.  Please if you are a parent or a family member of an addict and find yourself enabling the situation in any way please get help.  You can't change them.  But by handling it the right way you won't be making easier for them any longer.  There's usually a lot of manipulation and lies involved and it's time to wake up and see it for what it is.  
I know it's not easy but please be honest with yourself, it may prevent another tragedy like ours.

Most addicts have a victim mentality.  They are good at playing the victim to justify their behavior.  This is why I refuse to be a victim and why I am choosing to be a survivor.  I refuse to live my life that way...REFUSE!  That's no way to honor Colum.  I honor him by moving forward and by trying to live happily and I'm doing my best everyday.  I'm still sad, it will never go away.  But I'm honoring him.  
I love you Colum!  We did it!

***if anyone has any personal stories about how they have overcome addiction or enabling an addict please share below!  let us support each other through and be open about this problem.  if you've been through this and conquered it, I am so proud of you!


Justice Today

4 o'clock news today.  To read and watch click here.

I'm exhausted and will share more with you soon.

Thank you for all the prayers.  We are so happy with the results.



My favorite drug

I was scheduled to go home on Thursday since the beginning.  You never know with triplets no matter how long you carry them when they will be able to come home.  Dale and Holland were both in the nursery so their blood sugars could be monitored closely. Late Monday night/early Tuesday morning around 1 or 2am a Pediatrician whom I'd never met came into my room along with my nurse while I was sleeping.  They woke me up very excitedly to tell me that Dale and Holland were healthy enough to be brought to my room.  I was so happy but so tired and told them to wake me up when it was time.  

I woke up around 6am or so and immediately paged my nurse wondering where my babies were.  She told me they were waiting for me to wake up and that they were on their way.  I immediately called Ryan and woke him up and he and Finn drove straight to the hospital.  I was dying to have all of us together and didn't hesitate to wake them up.

Their blood sugars stabilized and there they stayed.  At least once a day the Pediatricians would come in and check them all for jaundice.  Both my boys had  jaundice and also something called coombs disease which requires a lot of time under the billy lights.  Every time the Ped's would come into our room I braced myself for them to take the babies back into the nursery


My girls never got jaundice!  Triplet preemies I would assume would definitely develop jaundice.  I couldn't believe it, can you?  They all have my blood type O+ so no Coombs.  When Thursday came around they all came home with me!  My nurse said she'd never seen a set of triplets all go home with their Mom before.  I seriously cannot believe how lucky we are.

The girls are just beautiful.  They are so sweet and precious.  I love when they are rooting around and try to suck on each other, their fingers, your face when you're burping them.  They need to eat every 3 hours and we've had a lot of help so far.  Dinners are being brought every night & our wonderful neighbors are checking up on us often.  We feel so loved right now. Thank you all for your kind comments. You've helped me through so many things and I don't know what I'd do without you guys!

I'm sure there is a scientific name for it but when I hold my babies and breathe in their sweet smell I get an overwhelming sense of love.  Not just an emotional feeling but I can actually physically feel it, it's like a drug.  I forgot all about it until now. But remember feeling this special drug after both my boys were born.  It's my favorite drug.  It's one of those things that make motherhood so special. 

It's the drug that money can't buy it's priceless.

I cried for about 10 seconds that they all came out brunette...only 10 and then I became ecstatic.  It makes Colum that much more special.  I think it was meant to be that I had 3 girls (no boys) and all brunette.  Perhaps I will never know why but it doesn't matter.  I've decided I don't believe that all things happen for a reason, I just don't, but I think this did and feel this was meant to be.  

Finn holding Wren (I think).  He's so in love and protective.  He's been the handwashing police over here and I love it.  If everybody is holding a baby he makes somebody give one up.  I'm so proud of him and love his heart.  He's looking so big to me now.
My best friend JaNae.  She was our nurse on Ortho Trauma also (and a damn good one too).  She'd stop by before work and have a quick snuggle.  Nurse turned BFF.  She's a beautiful person inside and out.  Love you girl.

                               Ryan holding Dale.  Can you tell how tiny she is with his hand right next to her?  I could just eat her up!  
Ryan crawled into my hospital bed with me and here we are holding Holland.  Love her arm behind her head.
Dale, just a little bit longer than my hand.  I cannot even tell you how much I'm loving the tiny bows that you can glue to their heads!  Loving this girl stuff, don't know what I was afraid of!

This is one of my most favorite moments in my life.  Right after all the girls and I were re-united, my nurse Ali and I fed them and then she just started laying them on me one by one.  It felt like the best drugs but x3.  They immediately just snuggled up to me like they were back in my belly.  If they were fussing at all it immediately ceased and they fell fast asleep.  Ali said it's because they knew me, could hear my heartbeat and smell me.  I just soaked it all in and we all took a 30 minute nap like this.  I could have stayed like that forever.  My heart just melts when I see this picture.  (Holland, Dale, and Wren)

Aunt Bobbi made the girls these adorable blankets and we went crazy with the bows & just died and went to heaven.  (Dale, Holland, and Wren)

Side view...I love their noses!  I love their dark hair!  I love everything!!!

Finally discharged and ready to leave.  The girls passed their car seat test with flying colors.  I still can't believe I took triplets right home with me.
This is Carly, my Aid for our last day.  She was our Aid in Ortho Trauma on floor 6 during the first week after the accident and has since transferred to L&D.  Everything is blurry so I didn't remember her but she's been following us on the blog and knew we were coming.  It's so cool that we were re-united during such a happy time.  I love meeting people that read my blog because I know that they know us and I don't have to explain everything.  Carly is in nursing school and such a happy, loving, and caring person.  Gonna be a nurse patients dream about.  Love you Carly!  Told ya I was gonna post this :)

One of my favorite nurses Ali.  She was so loving and sweet.  Here we are waiting for Ryan to pull around to get us so we could go home.  I was lucky enough to have her for 2 day in a row.  ...look how tiny my girls are!

Holland is on the left and Colum is on the right (above)

There is only room for 2 babies in the OR so Holland was immediately whisked away so I didn't get a good look at her.  Ryan went into the NICU and took this picture.  When he showed me, I just lay there on the c-section table and sobbed while they began sewing me back together.  She looked so much like him to me.

P.S. Sentencing for Thomas Ainsworth the man who hit us is on Thursday 9/26.  Ryan and I will both be speaking.  It's going to be at 9am at the Matheson courthouse at 9am.  One last time, I'm asking for prayers and happy thoughts. Of course I want him to get put away for a long time but I also want to set an example for others about what happens when you drive under the influence.  I wrote down what I am going to say last week, the day before I had my daughters.  It was hard to go there during this happy time.  One last hard thing, one more time.  deep breaths.  thank you!  xoxo


In Love

Dale (baby C) was only in the NICU for 8 hours and was then transferred to the intermediate nursery.  Unfortunately, all 3 babies have struggled with low blood sugar and have had to get frequent heel pricks to check their glucose levels (a side effect from me having Gestational Diabetes).  Wren, the runt has graduated from the heel pricks and has continued to stay with me in my room the entire time.  I've been joking about it, but I'm pretty sure she thinks she's an only child and I almost never put her down because I need to have one of my babies in my arms at all times and she's all I got. Holland was with Wren and I until midnight last night (9/15), but had to join Dale in the nursery so she could be monitored more closely and also put on a glucose drip.  Both are making huge improvements and I'm hoping it won't be long until they are all reunited again.

I tried really really hard to sleep last night but I was just too darn happy.  My adrenaline was pumping and although little Wren was right by my bedside in her bassinet, I miss her and need to hold her.  It's a hard transition to having them with you in your belly full time, and then having them scattered throughout the entire floor. I think I only slept about an hour total.  My bestie JaNae and her daughter Joy came to the hospital last night and slept over so I wasn't alone. 

Finn is even more in love with his baby sisters than expected.  He is constantly singing to them and if we have a visitor holding one it's a huge struggle for him because he wants to be the one holding them.  Wren and Dale look so much like Finn!  They constantly pull 'Finn' facial expressions and it's lookin' like they will have the same eyebrows as him!..if you know me well I've had a lifelong eyebrow obsession.  When Finn was born he came out with these huge, dark brows and I was so proud.  It's been a secret wish of mine to have daughters born with them so I can shape them to my hearts content.  It's looking like my wish came true.  FYI, I've shaped eyebrows for a living up until a few months ago.  I'm taking a year or two off so I can focus on being a Mom, plus childcare for triplets will break the budget.

I don't think I've ever felt so happy in my entire life.  I love them so much.  I love that we suddenly have such a big family and can't wait to get to know their individual personalities.  Gonna try and get some sleep now, I really hope this all makes sense because I'm so tired.  xoxo

Here are a few pics from my iphone:

JaNae holding Wren during our sleepover party last night

Holland, she's so pretty; of course I think they all are!

The only picture I have of all 3 of them together.   From left to right Holland (baby A), Dale (baby C), and Wren (baby B) .    My nurse last night encountered baby C on her way to the nursery so we got a quick picture of them all together.

They let Finn go into the NICU yesterday to meet Dale.

Holland and Wren (left to right) doing some skin to skin.

They are holding hands :)

Left to right, Holland and Dale, one of the first pictures captured.



Baby A: Holland Raquel Pack, born at 11:05, 5lbs 8oz

Baby B: Wren Dove Pack, born at 11:06, 4lbs 13oz

Baby C: Dale Jane Pack, born at 11:08, 5lbs 4oz

~they all have dark hair & teeny tiny noses.  They are the most beautiful creatures I've ever laid eyes on.  Holland & Wren are perfectly healthy and have been with us in our room.  Baby C has had minor respiratory issues & has had to be in the NICU all day.  Ryan just came back from visiting her & was told she gets to come join us in a couple hours!

We've been overwhelmingly filled with pure and udder joy.  My heart is full.  I can't tell you how extremely grateful for how lucky I've been to have such an easy, uneventful pregnancy.

Ryan is going to bring our laptop tomorrow because it won't let me upload picture on here :( so stay tuned.  They are all absolutely gorgeous!  I never could have imagined them to be this beautiful.

P.S.  if you're on Instagram follow me to see pics packx4 is my username.


They're here

They are here & so perfect!  I know baby A weighs 5#8... Pics coming soon


35 weeks!

taken on Sunday...35 weeks here!

Only 4.33 days left!  I just got home from my 2nd to last NST (stress test).  

It's funny, we are used to just the 3 of us now.  Our (living) family is going to double in just a few days.  For some reason I'm nervous about the whole c-section part.  The last 2 times after they finished stitching me up and wheeled me into my room the same thing happens.  Everybody leaves the room and suddenly the spinal wears off and extreme pain kicks in.  The first time this happened I couldn't reach the call button and I couldn't move to reach it because I couldn't move my legs.  I'm also already irritated that I will barely get a glimpse of these little darlings right after they are pulled from my womb and it will be hours before I will get to see or hold them again.  It takes at least 45 minutes for them to stitch you back up and I just sit there wondering if my baby(s) is alive.  When we had Colum we were prepared for it, so Ryan could at least text me lots of pictures of him and tell me that he was healthy. 

I'm just not very patient.

I'm imagining that when I'm holding one I will be wanting to hold the other two too.  My heart is going to be scattered all over the place.  For this reason I really hope that none of them need to stay in the NICU, and they can all be in the same place.  

Today as I walked into the rotating doors of the hospital and stepped into the lobby there was a woman about 2 steps behind me and I could just feel her staring at me.  I walk really slow so she was forced to pass me.  Shortly after she picked up her pace and got way ahead of me.  She then sat on a bench facing my direction and I know it was so she could get a really good look at me.  This doesn't make me angry at all because I know I would want to stare too.  People for the most part don't say anything but I can almost tell that most of the time they want to.  If I could hold a straight face the next time somebody asked me if I was about ready I would say ready for what?  or why?... do you think I'm pregnant or something.  Just for a moment, just to pull their leg but I would start laughing before I finished the sentence.  

All of my Dr appointments are at our hospital.  Its really nice because shortly after pulling in you are greeted by a valet parking attendant for they offer free valet parking.  Sometimes after I hand over the keys and step onto the asphalt I hear a helicopter either coming or going on top of the highest parking garage.  You cannot see them, you can only hear them.  It's something I know I'd be completely oblivious to prior to a year and a half ago.  It's something I know a lot of people are probably oblivious to.  

I always take a moment to say a quiet little prayer for whomever is inside, and another little prayer that its not a baby or a child.  If Finn is there we talk about it, and hope everybody is okay.  I also take a moment to be thankful for the people on the rescuing end of things.  It's always a reminder for me to be grateful for how far we've come.  Things aren't perfect, this weather is making for some painful days for me and we are realizing Ryan will never have the energy he used to.  But, we can walk and wipe our own bums.  Today there was a helicopter running while I was leaving.  I was overwhelmed by emotions and shed tears for whomever needed rescuing.  Tonight I just want to snuggle with Finn and Ryan in bed and watch a kid movie, just the 3 of us.

We've overcome a lot together.  
Things are going to be different soon.

And we are so ready!  

This may be my last post until the girls are here <---aaagh!  girls!  as in my 3 daughters!  But I promise you if everything goes smoothly I will do a quick post from my phone with or without pictures...maybe while I'm laying there while they're sewing me up or when I'm all by myself in my room (wink wink).  Thank you so much for all the love and support you all have shown us through everything.  I couldn't have done it without you!  xoxo

Update: I had my last growth scan on Friday and the girls measured as follows:
Baby A 4lbs 9 oz
Baby B 4lbs 3 oz
Baby C 4lbs 3 oz
They should gain about an oz/day...can't wait to see how much they weigh!


girls and car seats

I'm still pregnant!  34 weeks and 2 days to be exact.  Although since it's after 5pm I think it's safe to round up to 34 weeks and 3 days don't you?  My 'week count' goes up every Sunday if we are being technical but I like to round up...usually the Thursday before.  But since we are close I will just keep it honest.  

I've shared on here how absolutely terrified I am to A)have daughters...3 at the same time and B)to have 3 babies to take care of...at the same time.  But about a week and a half ago at my Dr appt there was a Mom with a teeny tiny newborn baby girl.  She was holding her and the teeny tiny thing was sleeping with her head resting on her Mom's shoulder.  

I wanted to hold her SO BAD.  I wanted my own SO BAD.  My arms have been hungry ever since.  And every day they grow hungrier and hungrier.  I'm no longer terrified at all.  I'm beyond excited.  It's hard being patient.  I want to see their faces and snuggle them close.  They do a very quick ultrasound twice a week after my stress tests to check the fluids.  Last week on Friday you could see hair on their precious little heads!  I doubt they will have a lot of hair being so early but there's definitely something!  I can't wait to know how much they weigh and hear them cry.  I wish I could take a pill and just sleep until Sept 15 comes because the wait is killing me.  I'm trying to take in the last few days of this crazy pregnancy but honestly I'm just ready to meet my girls!

Last Thursday Ryan and I were both lying in bed and I suddenly screamed. Baby A completely flipped!  She was head down but she flipped to head up. She's so low and it hurt so bad, an ultrasound proved it the next day.  They've all been very active lately, baby C is the most active.  You can feel her little feet and legs with your hand.  My belly is frequently lopsided because her head is always poking out too.

Ok, now for something serious.  I haven't been able to write about this.  I'm barely able to talk about it and I've only read about it because I stumbled on to something via Facebook a few months ago.  I don't want to start a debate or any statistic war.  This subject is hard for me, I'm forcing myself to go here just so you are informed.  

I will be putting these girls in rear-facing car seats when they turn 1 and they will remain rear-facing until it's safe enough to turn them around.  We were hit head on and was also told we were hit from behind as well because the people behind us probably couldn't stop in time.  I thought since we were hit from behind it wouldn't have mattered which way his car seat faced.  But I watched some youtube videos and I think a rear facing car seat would've saved Colum's life.  The only problem is I'd never heard of rear-facing car seats, not even a whisper.  I heard talk that the Pediatricians in our home town were really pushing it after our accident and I've heard that it's become more popular recently.  I'm not planning on being a car seat advocate or anything and perhaps this is all old news to everyone.  I probably shouldn't have watched those youtube videos because it broke my heart and I sobbed for days.  Also, I think it's the parents decision and I won't pass judgement on what type of car seats people put their children in.  Colum's injuries were caused by the extreme whiplash of the impact and a rear-facing seat would have prevented it.

One thing I have going for me and that I've always been grateful for is that I don't have any guilt.  It wasn't my fault.  We were following all the laws.  The car seat thing could put a little guilt on my shoulders but I'm not going to let it. If you haven't heard of the rear-facing carseats I encourage you to do some research and talk to your Pediatrician.

update: Colum was in an infant rear-facing carseat until he was about 13 months old.  We then put him in a forward facing car seat.  He was 18 months old when he died.  Also, I looked for the info I read on car seats and I couldn't find it.