::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


walk in the park

Quick update:

I'm 33 weeks 4 days pregnant.  

My C-section is scheduled for September 15 and yes it's on a Sunday. 

They checked me last Friday and I'm not even dialated at all.  She couldn't believe it and even checked again.  It hurt.so.bad.  

My blood pressure has been nearly perfect every time!

I will be 36 weeks when I deliver.  Yes, anything could happen between now and then but I know nothing will.

I think we've narrowed it down to 3 names but it's gonna be a surprise.  Hint:we are not doing Irish/Celtic names...too much pressure.  One of them starts with the letter H, any guesses?  I bet nobody gets it.

By some miracle I haven't gotten any new stretch marks.  I swear this really does work & it's the cheap stuff.

I am very uncomfortable but it's really not as bad as I thought it would be.  Let's just say this is a walk in the park compared to how uncomfortable I was in the hospital.

I watched both Braveheart and Last of The Mohicans yesterday.

I'm nowhere near as swollen as I was in my last pregnancies.  I'm not sick and my carpel tunnel has been very mild.  I've been very lucky. 

I'm positive that all your prayers and happy thoughts are working.  

I took this yesterday.  I'm too tired to care if it's a good picture or not.  But at least the belly is being documented.

update: and Finn started kindergarten!  He loves it! He has a friend in his class.  And my sweet new neighbors are taking him and picking him up for me!  I don't know what I'd do without my neighbors.

Finn's first day of kindergarten with his friend Tyler.



my very favorite picture of him

On Tuesday Finn and I were getting ready to go to one of my bi-weekly stress tests.  His hair gets pretty ratted in the back and for some reason combing his hair is my least favorite thing to do.  But that morning for some reason it hit me; I should be combing two heads instead of one.  A waterfall of tears poured from my eyes as I tried to hide my shaky voice from Finn whose back was turned to me.  If Finn caught on to my crying or if he ever does, you would never know.  He's used to it, it's normal for him to see his Mom crying.  

I often wonder if my daughters will be the same way.  They'll always know about their other brother who died.  They'll know that Mom often cries for him and gets sad.  But they won't feel it, like really feel it.  My oldest brother died at 6 months old from a heart defect.  He's probably 20 years older than me.  I'd see pictures of him in his casket at his funeral growing up.  I'd see my Mom cry.  I knew it was very sad, but I didn't feel it.  I didn't really feel it until I got older.  I didn't understand why it was still sad after all the time that had passed.  But, I did understand the moment I found out Colum wasn't going to make it that it would mean a life long sentence of grief and sadness.  The pain doesn't ever go away.  Finn understands... he was there.  The innocent lightness of what life used to be we will never get back.  Our dark cloud will always be there, sometimes I close my eyes and I try to remember what it used to feel like to have clear skies above us. Finn and Colum were both born with their own styles.  Finn is just a long hair.  In fact he's never had short hair, the long just fits him.  Colum however was going to be my preppy boy.  I would have always kept his hair short.  I wanted to part it on the side and slick it down with a little pomade like Donald Draper in Mad Men.  I'll never get to dread combing Colum's hair again and it hurts.  Stupid little things like that hurt.

I'm almost 33 weeks!  On Tuesday at my stress test I walked in with puffy eyes but managed to get the tears under control.  During a stress test they locate your baby's heartbeat with a small round monitor and make sure it's healthy and speeds up during movement.  These take quite a bit longer when there are 3 of them though.  Last week the ultrasound tech told the Nurse who did my stress test that my triplets are the most difficult positioned babies she's ever seen. 

On Tuesday the nurse quickly located 2 of the babies heartbeats.  She just had to find baby C.  She squirted the warm gel on my belly for the third time and placed the monitor in the obvious spot where her heart would be.  But she couldn't find it.  After a few minutes another nurse came in to help her, what felt like an eternity passed and still no luck.  It suddenly occurred to me that this wasn't good and the tears began to fall easily because I'd been crying all morning.  All the ultrasound techs were with other patients so they couldn't help us.  30 minutes passed and I grew more and more scared.  I lifted my hand to dig in my purse to find my phone so I could text Ryan and tell him that he better get down here, but it was then they decided to put a heartbeat monitor on me & it was placed right on my texting finger.

They found it.  Her heartbeat is literally on the side of my body, like where the side seam of your shirt is.  They were shocked.  Babies are literally coming out of my ribs.  Baby A is so unbelievably low, it is the weirdest feeling when she moves.  Baby B is laying across my belly in the middle but her body goes towards my back (she's always the hardest to find), and baby C is just chillin' vertically on my left side.  I never get nervous before appointments.  I can't explain it but I just have had this peaceful feeling since we decided not to do the reduction.  I just know they are going to be alright.  But those 30 minutes were scary.  My cervix is 5cm long (not dialated) which is pretty incredible I guess.  My Dr says I have a cervix like superwoman and that's it's longer than some one with a singleton pregnancy.  We knew this because as I've explained before (I think), I just don't go into labor.  They could induce me tomorrow and the babies wouldn't come out unless we did a c-section.  This was always sorta crappy when I was pregnant with my boys but it's such a blessed thing now.  If I make it 2.5-3 weeks I may just get to take 3 babies straight home with me!

We've narrowed it down to 5 names.  At the moment we have 3 favorites out of the 5 but I could change my name in 5 minutes from now.  I hope it's easy to decide once I see their sweet faces.


Two Monkeys

Often Finn blows us away.  His memory is incredible.  He's the most observant boy I've ever known.  The first time I was interviewed by the media and was on news I attempted to get dressed, put makeup on, and do my hair...it took every bit of energy I had.  I ended up back in the hospital a few days after the interview and at the time I was still using a comode, a walker, and a shower chair.  

I was sitting in our lazy boy and they had just finished setting up the cameras and other equipment.  Finn walked in and barely glanced at me.  I remember he looked up at me & stared into my eyes as he said, "you have sparkles on your eyes".  He was talking about my eyeshadow, he hadn't seen me wear it in a long time.  At the ripe old age of 3 he would always compliment me on my eyeshadows especially the ones with sparkles.  My face lit up.  Our relationship wasn't back to where it used to be and it hurt so badly, but my son noticed my eyeshadow like he always used to BC.  The cameras were rolling.  I think I gave him a huge hug for I was home with one of my sons again and it was so much better than where I'd been.  

He gave me hope at that moment.

Hope that I could do this.

Hope that he would come back to me.

It was a genuine moment and most people probably couldn't hear or understand what we said but I was so glad that moment had been captured.

For the past maybe 3-4 weeks Finn has been sleeping with 2 stuffed monkeys.  He's never been very attached to any of his stuffed animals before.  So it was a little unusual to watch him bring them from his bed and put them on the couch and put a blanket on them so they can watch a movie with him.  And every night after we read his book and tuck him in he's sure to make sure there's a monkey on either side of him.  

About a week ago he said, "Mom look I got my monkeys".  One of them was a gift while we were in the hospital.  It's from the company scentsy and has a zipper to put little packets of scents inside them to make children's rooms smell good.  He always makes me smell it and the smell makes me vomit in my mouth a little bit because I'm pregnant but I don't want to hurt his feelings.  Finn bringing out his monkeys wasn't anything new so I acknowledged them and nodded my head without any thought.  "Mom, this one is me and this one is Colum".  I quickly turned and scanned the monkeys.  I recognized the stinky one, but the other didn't quite register.  But, of course I've loved his monkeys all the more now that I know his meaning.

I got a comment just a few hours ago from an old post.  It was from some one who stumbled onto my blog randomly and watched the funeral video.  I read her kind words and clicked on the post to see what it was about.  I had talked about the funeral video in it and shared the link.  I haven't watched the funeral video in months, I used to watch it almost everyday.  I clicked on the link and watched it.  I was alone parked in my driveway with the car running and I began to cry.

I have a sort of ritual of always saying "Hi baby" when it shows him lying so peacefully in his casket, "I miss you baby, I miss you so much".  Ry and I were in critical condition and weren't able to attend the burial service.  But as the image of his closed casket at the cemetery appeared on the screen I began to shed different tears.  For there right on top is the other monkey.  The Colum monkey.  

We aren't 100% moved in yet and nothing is decorated.  But somehow this monkey made it through the move, has been unpacked, and ended up in Finn's arms.  I now know it brings him comfort.  He misses his brother.  His 3 year old brain remembered this monkey from that cold January day.  Maybe it's Colum's way of saying Hi, I'm with you always.  The crazy thing is, we ended up with hundreds of stuffed animals.  I'm not sure where they all came from or why they were at our house when I got home. 

Hi baby.
Miss you baby, we miss you so much.

P.S. Some one posted this article called "The trauma of being alive" on FB and I loved it.  To read it click here.


sugar babies

I took my first glucose test and failed.  Then I took the 3 hr fasting glucose test...and failed.  I am the lucky owner of the diagnosis gestational diabetes.  Kinda crappy.  I guess you are 2-3 times more likely to get GD when you are pregnant with multiples.  Mo placentas Mo problems.  

I get to prick my fingers 4 times/day and watch what I eat.  I'm also to meet with a dietician early this week.  I'm worried because most the time I just don't feel like eating and I may have to force myself to.  I'm super high maintenance when I'm pregnant when it comes to food.  Cooking completely grosses me out, so we eat out a lot.  Something will sound good like Thai food and as soon as we get in the car and start driving there I get nauseous just thinking about Thai food.  But usually when I walk in and smell it, it's edible.  I get really excited when anything sounds good because it's rare.  

I remember Ryan getting so frustrated with my pregnant ways when I was pregnant with Colum.  Finn was at such a hard age to eat out with.  He'd poor salt and pepper on the table and just eat it (he loved condiments) and make a huge scene.  Colum wasn't as hard, he loved to eat.  

Every time we go out to eat I look around the restaurant and try to envision my future family of 6, 3 of which are in high chairs walking in to dine.  Most places have tables of 4 that fits their floor plan perfectly, all neatly set & ready with perfectly folded napkins... but when we walk in that will quickly get disrupted for they will have to push 2 tables together to seat all of us.  I imagine Ryan carrying 2 carseats in and I carrying 1 while also holding Finn's hand.  I'm sure our waiter will roll his eyes when we are sat in his section as we are busting out the bottles and/or cheerios.  Some one will indefinitely be crying.  There will be talk in the back-

you guys the triplets are here again. 
what? there are triplets here?
They take up two tables in my section every time ugh.

And as they grow older we are going to have to keep track of where kids eat free and when, just so we can afford to go out sometimes.  

But sometimes when I'm able to imagine past the fear of it all I smile.  I am so happy they will always have some one to play with.  One of the very hardest parts of losing Colum is watching Finn play by himself every day.  I know siblings fight but those two never did.  Colum would smack Finn around a bit and pull his hair but Finn could take it.  I often wonder who Finn would be now if Colum had never died.  I think he'd be less cautious and come out of his shell a little more. I think there would be more laughter and fighting over toys.  I'm so excited to have that once again under my roof.  

missing this smile and this face hard this morning.

We were later told while we were in the hospital it was hard to get Finn to take a bath because he would scream and scream which is really not like him.  I think it was because he used to always take a bath with Colum.

apparently I was eating salad for dinner that night.


30 weeks

Finn was the ring bearer for our Nieces beautiful wedding last weekend.  His little outfit kills me.

Just cooking babies over here still.  It's been pretty quiet for I am trying my best to just stay down.  It's 100+ degrees outside and I try and avoid it at all costs.  

I took a breastfeeding class a few days ago and when I walked in I felt the other pregnant moms wiggle in their chairs trying to sneak a peak at my bigger than normal belly.  I'm pretty sure they all thought they were big until I waddled into the room.  I'm sure I would do the exact same thing since most Moms pregnant with triplets are on strict bed rest by now and you just don't see belly's like mine very often.  

30 weeks!  Horrible picture!  I don't get dressed much these days and when I do....

I'm 30 weeks!  This is a big milestone.  Can I just say Braxton Hicks while pregnant with triplets are SO INTENSE.  All of the baby clothes, bibs, and burp cloths are washed and put away.  We have all 3 cribs set up and ready.  I'm relieved that their bedroom is just big enough to fit all three.  Just gotta figure out how and where the 2nd changing station is going to be and grab a couple more things and we will be ready!  Hopefully I go at least 2 more weeks (I can and I will), but preferably 5-6 more.  Honestly the terrified side of me is ruling over the excitement.  But I know that once I meet these precious babies I will fall in love with them and after a short time it will start to feel like they've always been here.  I'm still in shock that I'm having triplets, it's hard to imagine a time in the future where I will feel like it was meant to be.

My Dr doubled my iron but I still love to eat ice.  I don't have huge cravings this pregnancy which is so crazy because with the boys my cravings were INTENSE! I do crave sushi or actually wasabi.  I only do this when I'm pregnant.  I order a veggie roll and I mix the wasabi with my soy sauce except I make a fine paste...lots of wasabi.  It actually has to burn through my nostrils and pretty much clear my sinuses or I'm just not satisfied.  Ryan thinks it's so gross.  With Finn I literally craved the burn.  We finally got Finn to eat some sushi last night!  He's a very picky eater but he loved it.  Ryan and I pretty much gave each other high fives through eye contact afterwards, kinda always been our goal for our kids to eat sushi.

A few weeks ago I went to our first triplet play date.  There is a group of Utah Moms who frequently get together and all have one thing in common...triplets. We met at an indoor food court that had a play area with only one entrance/exit, which I learned will soon be my best friend.  There were triplets everywhere of all ages, some fraternals, and some identicals.  As I talked to each Mom I had to giggle because each one during our conversation would stop talking, look around, and say, "wait....hmmm...oh...ok...there he/she is".  And that's when it hit me, they were counting to 3 in their heads and that I too will be counting to 3 a whole lot in the years to come.  They were all very well behaved.  There was no fighting and it was astonishing to watch the parents wrangle up there children/babies when it was time to stop playing and to go eat, I never heard any whining or complaints.  All the Mom's are very supportive of each other and I'm so grateful to have all these new friends who know exactly what I'm going through.  Of course I do find myself falling in love with the little blonde boys, especially if they're extra smiley.  My eyes are drawn to them and nothing makes me happier to watch them play.  Grins on their faces with a little bit of drool dripping down their sweet chins.

Triplet play group.  Look closely, can you spot all the triplets?

Finn turned 5 a few weeks ago and we managed to put together a small birthday party for him.  He loved it and is beyond excited to start kindergarten in just 3 weeks.  

Finn's Birthday party and the few friends that were able to come.  He has talked about this since his last Birthday!

~have a splendid weekend!