::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



Hope everybody had a great Memorial Day.  Thank you so much for all the name ideas, we need all the help we can get.  

On babycenter it says from here on out the babies start growing at a rapid rate.  They are all the size of a banana right now.  I AM HUGE.  As of a few days ago I started getting really uncomfortable...can't get comfortable.  And I can't breathe.  I didn't expect to feel this way for another month.  I started getting scared that maybe it was from all the webs of scar tissue that probably decorate my insides.  Thank god for the support groups, atlas this is normal.  

There are 2 types of women in this world, those that just carry it in the belly and those that just aren't that cute pregnant.  I'm the latter.  I turn into a linebacker...a very short one.  I just get a big belly along with getting big everywhere else.  I know my body will be distorted after this pregnancy but I don't care.  I've got several feet of scars covering my entire body and a huge chunk is missing out of my top left thigh.  I had a compound femur fracture and I'm guessing the missing piece is where the bone was sticking out?

I scar keloid most of the time.  The plastic surgeon who fixed my hand did some seriously shitty work.  I've got a 3 inch keloid scar on top of my right hand.  But the worst part is they took 2.5 weeks to take the suchers/stitches out, actually an attending resident in rehab took them out after I freaked out one morning in the hospital.  Normally those were taken out within 1 week of surgery.  This is so your skin doesn't grow & attach itself to them, so as you can imagine it hurt like hell when he took them out!  So all along the outside of the scar are tiny keloid scars from the stitches.  Kinda like Frankenstein.  I also have another huge Frankenstein-keloid scar on my left shoulder.  

These don't really bother me.  I don't really care.  People ask me if I'll ever get the one on my hand removed and I really doubt it.  I'm secretly planning a 3D centipede tattoo when I'm about 80.  So the thought of more stretch marks doesn't really phase me.  I've got a huge keloid scar going from my breast bone all the way down to my C-section scar, so I think bikinis are not in my future.  I think more stretch marks will just add to this little art piece that's still in progress I like to call SURVIVOR.  

Now what about the extra skin?  Aw, the extra skin, now that bothers me.  I figure I should start saving now for my tummy tuck.  I saw a woman on one of my triplet support groups name off all of the children she'd given birth to.  Several followed her triplets, and she ended with so this Mother's Day I'm getting my breasts lifted and a tummy tuck.  There was an outpour of congratulations and 'wish it were me's.  

Been crying a lot lately.  It feels like more often.  I miss him so much.  He'll be 3 in one month.  We went swimming over the weekend.  I've never swam pregnant before, I've never dared get into a swim suit pregnant before.  You know those cute pregnant ladies in bikinis?  Well now that's not me.  I cried while sitting in the kiddie pool watching all the other kids play.  He would've been so fun this summer.  Ryan and I joke that Colum would be going down all the slides and Finn still wouldn't.  They would've had so much fun playing together, no one would mess with them.  It still stings.

I got a P.O. Box and I registered at Amazon.

To go to my registry click here.  

P.O. Box #71690
Cottonwood Heights, Utah

Thank you so much!

This is what 20.5 weeks with triplets looks like.  Growing larger everyday.

Memorial Day.  It was tough this year again.  Miss you Baby!

Swimming.  The boy and his goggles.

Finn graduated preschool last week.  I can't believe how big he's getting!



Three Girls!!!

I'm still in shock.  I've come to terms with the fact I'm having triplets but am still getting used to the thought of 3 daughters...at the same time.  To be honest I'm terrified.  I'm excited to meet them and to hold them but I'm terrified to be responsible for 3 babies.  I'm terrified to be left alone to care for 3 newborns all by myself.  Knowing that it's been done before gives me hope.  

Girls are a different animal than boys.  
There's a lot more involved; bows, shoes, jewelry, socks, headbands, cute outfits, and hairdos.  
I'm going to have three heads of hair to do every morning not including my own.  
They are all going to be on their period at the same time as teenagers.  

When I first found out a little over a month ago they were all girls I cried.  I cried because I wanted to give Finn another little brother, I was scared about how he was going to react to 3 girls.  But after a few minutes I stopped crying because I realized...3 sisters!  They will have sisters!  It's going to be hard sometimes and perhaps the drama will be nearly unbearable but when I imagine my daughters leaning on each other and growing up close I smile.  And when I broke the news to Finn bracing myself for his disappointment I was pleasantly surprised with his wide eyed Christmas morning reaction.

I've found myself thanking God that we didn't go through with the reduction daily.  I cried and cried and was in a deep depression for the 5 1/2 weeks when we thought that's the direction we were headed.  But the moment we decided not to do it, that very second the crying stopped and I've never looked back. Sure, I didn't sign up for triplets, but I didn't sign up to be handi-capable and broken hearted either.  I'm terrified but I'm positive if we would've gone through with it I would have gone totally mental.  It would have chipped away the last bit of happiness I've been grasping ever so tightly.  

My Dr from the fertility clinic I went to has called and left voicemails a couple of times to see how I was doing.  I know she was genuinely concerned that this happened to us given our circumstance.  Last time we'd spoken I was headed towards doing a reduction, given the information and statistics I'd been told.  

My phone rang today and I happened to answer it and it was her.  She sounded sympathetic as she asked how I was doing.  I told her we chose not to go through with it.  How the babies are totally fine and in my gut I know they will stay that way.  I could feel the disappointment in her voice.  She told me she was sending positive thoughts my way but that she was scared for me.  I thanked her for calling and hung up the phone.  But minutes later my mind started racing with all the things I wish I would've said.  I wish I would've told her how grateful I am that I didn't go through with it.  How I was thrown back into the depths of despair with the thought of having to grieve more children.  How the statistics and information she gave me I strongly believe...I now know to be wrong.  How I'm a member of 3 triplet support groups and I've only heard of 3 or 4 babies that have passed away out of thousands....not 50%!  How I've read other Moms of triplets doing their own research and proving the statistics to be wrong.  How if something were to go wrong and we lost one of our triplets at least I'd still have two.

I've read that fertility clinics don't like to see triplets come out of their clinics because it hurts their statistics.  I was disappointed that she was disappointed and not supportive and happy to hear that things were going well and that I was happy.  She literally seemed disappointed and I can only guess it was because triplets don't look good for them.  

I am going to work on getting a P.O. Box this week and registering somewhere and will let you know soon.  THANK YOU so much!  I'm going to need all the help I can get and will appreciate anything and everything.  When I went to buy the dresses for the reveal it hit me just how expensive this is going to be.  

Oh and names.  I need names!  If you have any cute girl name suggestions please share!  xoxo


Gender reveal

It was worth the wait...

my talented friend Janika created this for us.


Check out her blog here and look at the amazing superhero pics she took of Finn
To see more of her films click here she is incredible

To go to her website click here


18 weeks

On Monday I went to my 18 week MFM appointment.  An hour or so was spent during the ultrasound measuring everything they possibly could.  Baby A is the spare and B & C are the pair.

They were perfect!  The pair both measured about 7 oz (exactly the same which is good) and the spare measured 8 oz.  This was the first ultrasound where they checked for TTTS.  It's one of the scariest things that could possibly happen with the identical twins.  So I was happy they measured exactly the same.  They were also in the exact same position the entire time.  The tech kept getting turned around because they would actually do somersaults together at the exact same time and land in the same exact position as each other.  They did this 4 times.  

The midwives and Dr both seemed a lot more up beat and positive about my pregnancy and the babies.  This was the biggest ultrasound of my pregnancy and such a relief that everything looked so good.  They acted like I won't have any problem going to 34-36 weeks....fingers crossed.  

I can't believe I'm having identical twins!  I can't believe they would flip together like that totally in sync with each other.  I've never been able to tell identical twins apart!  We have a set of ID twin brother friends and I never know which one I'm talking to.  I hope I can tell my own kids apart!

I'm feeling pretty good.  I'm huge!  It's getting harder and harder for me to sit up and move at all.  A book I'm reading says with triplets you look full term at 24 weeks and I'm thinking it will be more like 20 weeks for me.  I'm pretty sure when I'm seen walking through the neighborhood it looks as though I'm trying to induce labor.

 I can't do a whole lot so there is no worry of me over doing it.  If I go up a flight of stairs I can't breathe for 5 minutes.  If I walk and there's a small incline I can't breathe.  Several times every night when I'm laying on my side all of the sudden I can't breathe.  Sometimes I will just be sitting there and all of the sudden I can't breathe. I know this will only get worse.  It's probably the thing I'm most afraid of.

But besides that and having to go pee in the middle of the night and then not being able to fall back asleep, I'm doing pretty good.  

My appetite is gone.  Nothing sounds good.  I have to eat every few hours because my blood sugar drops so fast that I'm very surprised I haven't fainted.  The only craving I have is sno-cones.  This is so different than my last pregnancies.  I'm able to eat a little smarter when I'm not craving Reese's peanut butter easter eggs in bulk.  

Gender reveal is still pending!  I'm so excited it's taking all I have not to just announce it right now!  My friend that is doing it is extremely talented and doing me a huge favor.  I'm sure I tripled her workload so I'm trying my best to not harass her.  Stay tuned....


almost done

My friend said yesterday that "she's almost done" with the gender reveal.  So hopefully that means later today or tomorrow.  I can't wait!  Coming soon....


Change is good

So we've never moved before.  This was our first time in almost 13 years of marriage.  I'd always go through off and on spurts about how WE NEEDED TO MOVE!  But then I'd get settled back in to our old house and the thought would escape me.  We've even thought things such as we will never move or let's pay this house off and move close to the beach.  But over the last 4-5 years my determination to move didn't waver and finally Ryan caught the bug.  

We handed over the keys to our old house a few days ago and Finn and I were the last ones inside to say goodbye.  I cried.  I only cried because that is Colum's house.  But then we had to drive up to our new house to do the final walk through.  And quickly my frown was turned upside down. I love it.  It needs a lot of work.  There's a lot of ivy and wallpaper border displaying fruit baskets.  It's a very modern home but I think the previous owners were trying to turn it into a Tuscan villa.  Luckily it doesn't need anywhere near as much work as our old house did despite almost matching wallpaper border.  But hey, if fruit baskets and ivy are your thing good for you.  I'm sure they will be huge again anyways & I will be kicking myself.

I'm so excited!  We feel like it's a real grown-up house and we are finally, actually gonna be grown-ups, not just pretending to be.  It has so many things my old house didn't, such as:

Bathroom fans (no more mold on the ceilings)
A sprinkler system (what's that?)
A kitchen disposal (our old plumbing ran uphill so we couldn't put one in blah blah)
A walk-in closet (holy moly)
A master bath (what am I gonna do with myself?)
A 2nd bathroom (This will come in handy)
A fully fenced backyard (I can just open the door and the kids can play while I cook dinner)
A 2 car garage that I can actually park my car in!

We went back the next day to get the keys.  We were marveling in our new quiet and private backyard when our white haired neighbor popped his head up and smiled.  Are you our new neighbors he asked, I'll be right over.  He and his wife are grandparents and had 3 of their grandkids over for a sleepover that night.  They were oh so friendly and kindly welcomed us to the neighborhood.  This is a very far cry from our old neighborhood (except a couple of you) and I can't even begin to tell you how refreshing it is.  They told us how wonderful all the neighbors are, how they do neighborhood BBQ's and get togethers.  Their eyes were kind and they'd heard I was pregnant with triplets and graciously offered their help.  

We drove up a friend the next day and met 2 other neighbors who were also very kind and welcoming.  The neighborhood feels like it has a sense of community and everyone helps each other out.  There is a little boy named Flynn who is exactly a year older than Finn that quickly got word about us and came over to meet him.  

It's exactly what I wanted and better than I ever could have dreamed.  We are sad to be leaving so many friends but hoping they will stop by on their way to go skiing a lot.  Maybe, I can even persuade them to follow suit (wink).  

We are staying at my Mother In-Law's while we fix up a few things in the next few weeks before we actually move in.  I'm dreading all the unpacking but I'm excited to go through stuff and probably have a yard sale afterwards.  And then it will be time to get the nursery ready!  I want to start sooner than later since these babies could come very early.

I haven't had time with all the moving to check the sexes again but when I do, a friend and I are going to put a little something together to announce it here on the blog.  xoxo