::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


New beginnings

If all goes well the word SOLD will be placed diagonally across our For Sale sign come the middle of April.  Our house went under contract to sell 5 days after we listed it!  We've looked and looked for the perfect new home for us.  I'm sure most people haven't peeked at my earlier days of blogging BC (before crash), but I'm sorta a MCM (Mid-century Modern) enthusiast pre-Mad Men.  I love it.  It's by far my favorite type of architecture.  We looked at a total of 9 houses.  We put an offer on a Mid-Century ranch but didn't get it for whatever reason.  It didn't feel completely right anyways.  But it was completely remodeled tastefully, which I found to be a rare case in our tight budget.  Ryan later told me he was surprised I even went for it, since it was a ranch style home with stairs.  We ended up putting in an offer on the first house we looked at.  Have you ever noticed when shopping around for something you almost always end up going to the first place you looked?  It was designed by an architect named Ron Molen.  Love his work!  We actually fell in love with another design of his 6 months ago but weren't quite ready to sell this house and it slipped through our fingers.  That house had a lot of the original elements that I long for.  It also had an atrium in the center of the home also a fireplace with a conversation pit (swoon).  I imagined if Colum was still here I could throw him in the atrium to dig holes & get dirty while I made dinner.  And throwing a skeleton in there every Halloween, a Christmas tree every Christmas.  But it was on a busy road and it wasn't meant to be our house.  

It's a MCM house!  But it needs a complete remodel.  Its a single level home which is going to be great for our knees.  It came under budget so hopefully we can just remodel most of it prior to moving in.  I feel like I'm living in my very own fantasy in doing so.  I've always wanted a house just like the one we are moving into.  I'm excited about something again.  I'm passionately fixated about what I used to love (and still do) BC.  The old flame has been re-lit, and all the MCM decor and housewares I've been hoarding in my basement for years will get a thorough dusting and can finally be put to use.  Ron Molen designed most of the houses in the neighborhood which will be great eye candy for years to come.  The area is beautiful, surrounded by mountains and there are a lot of new restaurants to try.  The schools are good and the change will be refreshing.  

The more I think about it the more I'm certain we will just take all of our memories of sweet Colum along with us.  It's painful.  It still stings.  We all miss him so painfully bad.  But we carry him wherever we go in our hearts.  I'm starting to understand what 'he's always with you' actually entails.  Most of the time when we talk about him it's usually while riding in the car, playing precious memories like a movie in our heads.  I hope moving helps loosen the locks of my chains some more and being free of this house helps me feel less trapped.  


If these walls could talk

Every inch of our house holds a story.  I know every corner so well.  Every squeaky floor board, every hole in every wall.  We have lived here almost 12 years.  Every extra red cent went into the 1600 sq ft of these walls.  Ryan cherishes every inch of the yard and holds such devotion for the garden that he designed and re-designs year after year.  

This backyard holds so many memories.  Sitting under our shade tree having a cold drink after work and fantasizing about future vacations and what our children might look like.  Pushing my babies in the infant swing that my sister Joelle gave us that hangs from my favorite tree, it's still out there hanging.  

Finn being our first child I was so paranoid and he almost never got dirty.  It sorta fits him though.  Colum being our second LOVED being outside more than anything.  Every time a door was opened he would immediately get that mischievous grin while trying to plan his escape to the wide open spaces, only to be (most of the time) turned down and whimper in disappointment.  I let him get dirty.  He'd frequently find the lawn mower in the backyard turned over on it's side and he would lift one hand off the ground and turn the wheel.  This turning of the lawnmower wheel would entertain him for a good 5 minutes before he'd start picking up small rocks and giving them a quick taste before throwing them.  Sometimes he'd find a hose that had a very small amount of water still running through it and this was I dare say his favorite.  We'd let him get sopping wet, mud running from his mouth, sticks and grass clenched tightly in his grip.  

There's a chair downstairs that he was just barely tall enough to climb up on, it would take him a while but he'd get so excited when he finally made his way on top of it.  He'd look over at us, huge grin on his proud beautiful face, looking at us eye to eye.  He'd get down just to try and get back up again.  He was doing this nightly right before he died.  Right before he died he would awaken in a foul mood from his late afternoon nap.  He would whine and cry nonstop...I'm 90% sure he was getting some big teeth in he was always teething, he probably had all of his teeth in when he died.  Nothing we did seemed to change his mood and it was difficult.  I would hide somewhere.  Ryan is good and takes the reigns with the kids when he gets home so I could breathe.  Right before Christmas Eve I remember he would suddenly stop crying.  It would get so quiet that I would crawl out of my hiding spot just to make sure everything was okay.  Colum would be in his highchair dinner in front of him, and he'd be concentrating so hard, for Ryan had given him his very own spoon/fork.  He wouldn't even look up when I walked into the kitchen because he'd be concentrating so hard.  

I love this house.  When we bought it, I thought we'd live here for 2 years maximum.  But here we are 12 years later.  We've gutted a lot of it.  Added more layers of paint to the walls.  We brought home our babies to this house.  But it's time to move on.  It's time to say goodbye to this little cottage and move closer to the big city.  Finn and Colum were the perfect distance apart in age to share a tiny room but now when we have another baby (hopefully this year fingers & toes crossed) we just don't think that will go over so well.  

Honestly, I've been fantasy house shopping for about 5-6 years.  I crave adventure and need change.  I fantasize about moving to South America and having a fish taco stand in a VW bus and home schooling my kids and surfing at sunrise.  I fantasize about living on a farm and making home made everything and selling our goods at farmer's markets.  I fantasize about living in a loft in a big city and not owning cars because we can just take a train.  I, like Colum am secretly trying to plan my escape every time a door is opened, I want to explore the wide open spaces.  

On Friday, a For Sale sign was placed in our front yard.  We are ready.  It's time.  We are moving only about 30 minutes away to Salt Lake City but I'm beyond excited.  There's a few houses I have my eye on that have a French immersion Elementary school.  So many new restaurants to try, oh how I love discovering new restaurants.  Learning a new neighborhood excites me.  

I know when we are packing up I will bawl my eyes out until they are swollen shut, but a new chapter awaits.  This house, these walls, will always have a special place in my heart.  I will miss walking out to the backyard where Colum had his many adventures & Finn caught his first baseball, but I will take those memories with me.  They are the foundation for more wonderful memories to come, and I can't wait!

Finn drinking water in our backyard shortly before Colum was born.  He would drink so much water it actually had us very worried.

Finn's first time in a swing at my parents house.  He would laugh and laugh.  My sister remembered she still had hers and gave it to me.

My bald blue eyed angel hanging out in his bouncer.

The swing hanging from our tree.  He let me put sunglasses on him.  Notice his face against the blanket, typical Colum, he loved soft things.

'I just woke up from my nap and just ate my dinner face'.  He was so grumpy it was hilarious.  I remember we were carving pumpkins as a family for the first time when this pic was taken.