Every night I tell myself Okay, tomorrow you are gonna buckle down and type. But I never follow through. I'm putting off revisiting that sad sad miserable place. Page 16 is where things start to get sad in my story. It's where we learn that Colum isn't gonna make it. It's where my heart gets broken. It's just the beginning.
SO TONIGHT I'M TELLING MYSELF THAT TOMORROW I'M GOING BACK THERE.
...I'm a little scared. But I have to finish what I've started!
I've skipped the entire beginning. I'm still debating where I want to go and how to make it all flow. Wish me luck!
And, I just had a HUGE ah-hah moment tonight. As you know, Ryan and I had extensive injuries and with those injuries came hospitals and Dr's and drugs. While our bodies have been healing we've been taking narcotics. It wasn't a choice we got to make. We woke up with morphine pumps and Dilaudid seeping into our veins. I didn't fight it, in fact it wasn't a high enough dose & I was in excruciating pain until I was there for 4 weeks. I've never been free to write about the drugs, they are taboo and it's not safe to announce Hey ya'll I've got pills in my house. They often are accompanied by labels and stereotypes and it's not something we freely have talked about because of that. I have a memory of telling my Mom Oh great, now I'm going to be addicted to pain pills from all of this. But in my memory I was sitting up in my hospital bed and she was standing at the foot of my bed. I couldn't sit up! So I don't know if this was a dream or if I was so drugged that I believed I was sitting up, but I remember this being a legitimate concern since the beginning.
Anyhoo, so I've suddenly felt better and better over the past few months. But I just figured out why. It wasn't just because I've reached a magical part in my grief where I'm never going to be sad again. The Prozac helped but that wasn't really it either. It's because we've weened ourselves off the hard stuff. The narcotics, the pain meds, the long acting.... They bring you down farther than you ever could dream. The drugs that are supposed to take away your physical pain can cause you a lot more emotional pain.
I HAD NO IDEA...until right now.
I've been terrified about becoming addicted to drugs. I know addiction is a serious thing and it scares me. I'm nowhere near perfect. I have skeletons in my closet. But it's been incredible because by some miracle I haven't felt a mind change or high from taking these meds. Weening was uncomfortable but it wasn't very hard for me. I know very well that some people have to take these in order to be somewhat comfortable. I hope I'm not offending anybody. And I'm not saying everybody that takes these medications is depressed either. I'm just really happy that I was able to get off of them and flush them down the toilet!
A friend (thanks Susan) a few months back told us to try Arnica. It's a big reason why I was able to ween off those medications. This one and this one are my favorites. It's homeopathic and has no side effects. It does miracles for my knees. I apply it to my knees up to 3x's daily and I'm not kidding it gives me instant relief. For a long time I suffered from the most annoying pain in my left shin (it might be from nerve damage) and nothing I mean nothing would take it away except arnica. It's good for arthritis, after you work out, joint pain etc. If you are suffering it's worth trying it. I'm not even getting paid to say this :) but I should be.