::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


One year

I keep thinking back to where I was just one year ago.  I was in a very dark place.  The pain, it wasn't going away, it wasn't getting better...when was it going to get better? 

I needed to run away.  I needed to run period.  I couldn't run, I could hardly walk.  Everything hurt, everywhere hurt.  My mind, my body, and my heart ached.  When I read this post that I wrote one year ago it still makes me cry.  

How are things one year later?  

My body and my heart still hurt.  I still miss him the same.  I'm sad because my daughters won't grow up with two older brothers, instead only one.  

Hope.  I have hope now.  I just keep pressing forward and slowly you don't have to push yourself as hard.  Things are getting easier and easier.  I've found the beat of our new daily routine and fully embrace every minute of it.  I'm making and washing bottles again (a whole lot of them) just like I was 2 years ago.  Not for Colum, but for my three beautiful daughters.  

Laughter comes much easier now.  I no longer label myself as the Mother who lost a son in a tragedy who must stay strong.  I'm now the mother of five, three of which are triplets, a magical 5 year old son, and one precious little angel in heaven.  The simple repetition of every day life as a Mother feels different now, I enjoy it and have a new found appreciation.  It's everything I want right now.  It's the most important thing to me in this moment.

I LOVE where we live, and am happy to bloom where I'm planted.  I look forward to raising my kids here in this community.  The days are somehow brighter here, people seem nicer, it feels happier.  Perhaps, I was right in my need to run away...just not quite as far as I'd thought.  I want to try to run again, a few of you have asked.  It was too painful on my knees.  I'm trying something new for pain management, something a little hokey but, I'm feeling some improvement and I'm hopeful.

The girls are growing.  Holland barely fits in Newborn size clothes now.  They are staying awake a little longer.  Their eyes are starting to be able to see the world for the first time.  They stare in pure fascination at the back of the couch while being burped.  We still can't tell Wren and Dale apart.  We are so in love with them and enjoy getting to know them more each day.  

I still can't believe how much has changed in just one year.  One year ago I don't think I could have ever predicted myself being here.  If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing it would be, 

it will get easier, there's still more happiness to come....one day at a time.

Wren, Dale, and Holland

Wren & Dale...so much alike!  Being held by Aunt Bobbi.

trying to master this for night-time feedings..."the prop"

can't forget a few pics of the handsome men in my life.

Ryan was walking around carrying Dale and I hurried and grabbed my phone and snapped this...I love this picture (Dale)

Quick stop at a neighbors during our first family walk through the neighborhood.

My beautiful Holland!


  1. Just know that you can NEVER post enough pictures of those sweet babies! I find myself feeling sad when I realize I'm looking at the last pic in a post. They are so precious and I loved the ones from a while ago with your boys, glad you had a way to include Colum in the photo with the kids. It does a mom's heart good to feel like all your kids are represented in family photos. Glad your heart is feeling the happiness lately!

  2. They're all just so cute! Finn is getting so big, too! I love the picture of Dale's head popping up over your husband's shoulder. So funny and cute!

  3. Kelly, I have been reading your blog for over a year and I wanted to clue you into the Podee bottles (in case you do not already know about them). They are great for feeding multiples and no propping is required. I have a friend that used them with her twins, and loved them.

    I love the pics of your children, they are all so beautiful. I know your little guy is so proud to have 3 sisters.

  4. Kelly I agree with Keli (the comment above mine)you should get some Podee bottles & you can still use them with glass bottles if you like glass best. Here is a link http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B001V9KPBI/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1382931302&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70

    My friend used these with her twins and they are super easy and convenient for hands free feeding.

    I do have to tell you that there are no words for the strength you have and you & your family are just so precious & the way you write is just so wonderful!! I pray for you and your family every day!

    -hugs and prayers from Az!

  5. All 5 of your kids are adorable! And I am so happy that you are so much happier. I need to come meet these beautiful babies (: I would also love to know who you think they look most like...I'm trying to decide if Holland looks most like you.

  6. Your children are beautiful, all five of them. I'm happy for you - that you could experience this joy again. May God keep blessing you with abundant joy.

  7. Oh Kelly, your girls are all just gorgeous! What a beautiful family you have! I think of you often and pray you're getting enough sleep and savoring these precious moments.

    Jen in Manitoba, Canada

  8. It is amazing what a year later can bring....I'm so so happy in your case, it brought those 3 beautiful dollies into your life. They are so precious as are your sons. I'm glad you have found your perfect home and a place where you can make new memories with your children. You're right, take it one day at a time.

  9. Was going to mention Podee...but others beat me to it. :)

    Such beautiful pictures!

  10. Your beautiful Holland keeps reminding me of that wonderful essay about a mother who "expects" to find herself, at the end of a well planned journey, to land in Italy, but instead finds herself in Holland. It isn't your story, but the metaphor is nonetheless, perfect. Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn, but there is still beauty and joy to be found. Wow, is there! I'm in awe.

  11. Is it silly to cry tears of joy for someone I don't even know? I'm so happy for you. I know you have suffered and I know you will always miss your sweet beautiful Column, but I am so happy you have three beautiful little girls to love and cherish. I am so happy your days are easier and you laugh and feel happy again. You are an inspiration of strength. Thank you for sharing your story.


  12. Those hats in the picture of you 5 are adorable! They are sooo cute.

  13. Your family is beautiful! The girls bring a smile to my face. I loved the last group of professional pictures with all of your kids.

  14. What a message you have given us all in this post….to hang on, just hang on during the very tough dark, hard moments of life that there is still happiness to come. That brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your life with so many of us. You are an inspiration, and I will always be looking for more pictures of your beautiful children.

    PS I'm glad you found something that perhaps will give you some pain relief. I'd sure love to know what it is.

  15. You are awesome ! What beautiful babies you have all five of them! Thank you for sharing your story , I check often for your updates. Your photos are priceless!

  16. That one year ago post left a lump so large I can barely swallow. I do not understand such a grief, but I have felt sadness that seems endless. It is amazing that time can heal, strengthen wounds. Our wounds never fully go away; we just come to understand them a bit more and learn to accept them, however, we are constantly aware of them. Awareness is not a bad thing because it helps us grow and see things in a new light. I think it's ironic and hard that difficult and sad situations help us to fully understand the hope and happiness that life has to offer more fully. I think that you are an amazing mom and your FIVE children are lucky to have you. You seem like such a wonderful mom and person. I love how honest your posts are.

  17. Your babies are absolutely darling!

  18. It's amazing how strong Dale's neck is in the photo of her peeking over Dad's shoulder. So cute!

  19. How life changes...
    I love seeing pics of your family, thank you..

  20. I remember the night feedings well with my twins. One got the boob, the other the bottle. Rotate and switch at next feeding. It was honestly exhausting and wish I would have went for the full on bottle sooner than I did. Some things need to give when dealing with multiples. My husband a Firefighter and away every 4 days of 8.

    Hope you learned that early on as wow, two was tough but three?!?! I also had a similar aged son. It was hard but so worth it :) I love my kids dearly! They are now 20 and the twins 16 :)