I needed to run away. I needed to run period. I couldn't run, I could hardly walk. Everything hurt, everywhere hurt. My mind, my body, and my heart ached. When I read this post that I wrote one year ago it still makes me cry.
How are things one year later?
My body and my heart still hurt. I still miss him the same. I'm sad because my daughters won't grow up with two older brothers, instead only one.
Hope. I have hope now. I just keep pressing forward and slowly you don't have to push yourself as hard. Things are getting easier and easier. I've found the beat of our new daily routine and fully embrace every minute of it. I'm making and washing bottles again (a whole lot of them) just like I was 2 years ago. Not for Colum, but for my three beautiful daughters.
Laughter comes much easier now. I no longer label myself as the Mother who lost a son in a tragedy who must stay strong. I'm now the mother of five, three of which are triplets, a magical 5 year old son, and one precious little angel in heaven. The simple repetition of every day life as a Mother feels different now, I enjoy it and have a new found appreciation. It's everything I want right now. It's the most important thing to me in this moment.
I LOVE where we live, and am happy to bloom where I'm planted. I look forward to raising my kids here in this community. The days are somehow brighter here, people seem nicer, it feels happier. Perhaps, I was right in my need to run away...just not quite as far as I'd thought. I want to try to run again, a few of you have asked. It was too painful on my knees. I'm trying something new for pain management, something a little hokey but, I'm feeling some improvement and I'm hopeful.
The girls are growing. Holland barely fits in Newborn size clothes now. They are staying awake a little longer. Their eyes are starting to be able to see the world for the first time. They stare in pure fascination at the back of the couch while being burped. We still can't tell Wren and Dale apart. We are so in love with them and enjoy getting to know them more each day.
I still can't believe how much has changed in just one year. One year ago I don't think I could have ever predicted myself being here. If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing it would be,
it will get easier, there's still more happiness to come....one day at a time.
|Wren, Dale, and Holland|
|Wren & Dale...so much alike! Being held by Aunt Bobbi.|
|trying to master this for night-time feedings..."the prop"|
|can't forget a few pics of the handsome men in my life.|
|Ryan was walking around carrying Dale and I hurried and grabbed my phone and snapped this...I love this picture (Dale)|
|Quick stop at a neighbors during our first family walk through the neighborhood.|
|My beautiful Holland!|