|my very favorite picture of him|
On Tuesday Finn and I were getting ready to go to one of my bi-weekly stress tests. His hair gets pretty ratted in the back and for some reason combing his hair is my least favorite thing to do. But that morning for some reason it hit me; I should be combing two heads instead of one. A waterfall of tears poured from my eyes as I tried to hide my shaky voice from Finn whose back was turned to me. If Finn caught on to my crying or if he ever does, you would never know. He's used to it, it's normal for him to see his Mom crying.
I often wonder if my daughters will be the same way. They'll always know about their other brother who died. They'll know that Mom often cries for him and gets sad. But they won't feel it, like really feel it. My oldest brother died at 6 months old from a heart defect. He's probably 20 years older than me. I'd see pictures of him in his casket at his funeral growing up. I'd see my Mom cry. I knew it was very sad, but I didn't feel it. I didn't really feel it until I got older. I didn't understand why it was still sad after all the time that had passed. But, I did understand the moment I found out Colum wasn't going to make it that it would mean a life long sentence of grief and sadness. The pain doesn't ever go away. Finn understands... he was there. The innocent lightness of what life used to be we will never get back. Our dark cloud will always be there, sometimes I close my eyes and I try to remember what it used to feel like to have clear skies above us. Finn and Colum were both born with their own styles. Finn is just a long hair. In fact he's never had short hair, the long just fits him. Colum however was going to be my preppy boy. I would have always kept his hair short. I wanted to part it on the side and slick it down with a little pomade like Donald Draper in Mad Men. I'll never get to dread combing Colum's hair again and it hurts. Stupid little things like that hurt.
I'm almost 33 weeks! On Tuesday at my stress test I walked in with puffy eyes but managed to get the tears under control. During a stress test they locate your baby's heartbeat with a small round monitor and make sure it's healthy and speeds up during movement. These take quite a bit longer when there are 3 of them though. Last week the ultrasound tech told the Nurse who did my stress test that my triplets are the most difficult positioned babies she's ever seen.
On Tuesday the nurse quickly located 2 of the babies heartbeats. She just had to find baby C. She squirted the warm gel on my belly for the third time and placed the monitor in the obvious spot where her heart would be. But she couldn't find it. After a few minutes another nurse came in to help her, what felt like an eternity passed and still no luck. It suddenly occurred to me that this wasn't good and the tears began to fall easily because I'd been crying all morning. All the ultrasound techs were with other patients so they couldn't help us. 30 minutes passed and I grew more and more scared. I lifted my hand to dig in my purse to find my phone so I could text Ryan and tell him that he better get down here, but it was then they decided to put a heartbeat monitor on me & it was placed right on my texting finger.
They found it. Her heartbeat is literally on the side of my body, like where the side seam of your shirt is. They were shocked. Babies are literally coming out of my ribs. Baby A is so unbelievably low, it is the weirdest feeling when she moves. Baby B is laying across my belly in the middle but her body goes towards my back (she's always the hardest to find), and baby C is just chillin' vertically on my left side. I never get nervous before appointments. I can't explain it but I just have had this peaceful feeling since we decided not to do the reduction. I just know they are going to be alright. But those 30 minutes were scary. My cervix is 5cm long (not dialated) which is pretty incredible I guess. My Dr says I have a cervix like superwoman and that's it's longer than some one with a singleton pregnancy. We knew this because as I've explained before (I think), I just don't go into labor. They could induce me tomorrow and the babies wouldn't come out unless we did a c-section. This was always sorta crappy when I was pregnant with my boys but it's such a blessed thing now. If I make it 2.5-3 weeks I may just get to take 3 babies straight home with me!
We've narrowed it down to 5 names. At the moment we have 3 favorites out of the 5 but I could change my name in 5 minutes from now. I hope it's easy to decide once I see their sweet faces.