::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



my very favorite picture of him

On Tuesday Finn and I were getting ready to go to one of my bi-weekly stress tests.  His hair gets pretty ratted in the back and for some reason combing his hair is my least favorite thing to do.  But that morning for some reason it hit me; I should be combing two heads instead of one.  A waterfall of tears poured from my eyes as I tried to hide my shaky voice from Finn whose back was turned to me.  If Finn caught on to my crying or if he ever does, you would never know.  He's used to it, it's normal for him to see his Mom crying.  

I often wonder if my daughters will be the same way.  They'll always know about their other brother who died.  They'll know that Mom often cries for him and gets sad.  But they won't feel it, like really feel it.  My oldest brother died at 6 months old from a heart defect.  He's probably 20 years older than me.  I'd see pictures of him in his casket at his funeral growing up.  I'd see my Mom cry.  I knew it was very sad, but I didn't feel it.  I didn't really feel it until I got older.  I didn't understand why it was still sad after all the time that had passed.  But, I did understand the moment I found out Colum wasn't going to make it that it would mean a life long sentence of grief and sadness.  The pain doesn't ever go away.  Finn understands... he was there.  The innocent lightness of what life used to be we will never get back.  Our dark cloud will always be there, sometimes I close my eyes and I try to remember what it used to feel like to have clear skies above us. Finn and Colum were both born with their own styles.  Finn is just a long hair.  In fact he's never had short hair, the long just fits him.  Colum however was going to be my preppy boy.  I would have always kept his hair short.  I wanted to part it on the side and slick it down with a little pomade like Donald Draper in Mad Men.  I'll never get to dread combing Colum's hair again and it hurts.  Stupid little things like that hurt.

I'm almost 33 weeks!  On Tuesday at my stress test I walked in with puffy eyes but managed to get the tears under control.  During a stress test they locate your baby's heartbeat with a small round monitor and make sure it's healthy and speeds up during movement.  These take quite a bit longer when there are 3 of them though.  Last week the ultrasound tech told the Nurse who did my stress test that my triplets are the most difficult positioned babies she's ever seen. 

On Tuesday the nurse quickly located 2 of the babies heartbeats.  She just had to find baby C.  She squirted the warm gel on my belly for the third time and placed the monitor in the obvious spot where her heart would be.  But she couldn't find it.  After a few minutes another nurse came in to help her, what felt like an eternity passed and still no luck.  It suddenly occurred to me that this wasn't good and the tears began to fall easily because I'd been crying all morning.  All the ultrasound techs were with other patients so they couldn't help us.  30 minutes passed and I grew more and more scared.  I lifted my hand to dig in my purse to find my phone so I could text Ryan and tell him that he better get down here, but it was then they decided to put a heartbeat monitor on me & it was placed right on my texting finger.

They found it.  Her heartbeat is literally on the side of my body, like where the side seam of your shirt is.  They were shocked.  Babies are literally coming out of my ribs.  Baby A is so unbelievably low, it is the weirdest feeling when she moves.  Baby B is laying across my belly in the middle but her body goes towards my back (she's always the hardest to find), and baby C is just chillin' vertically on my left side.  I never get nervous before appointments.  I can't explain it but I just have had this peaceful feeling since we decided not to do the reduction.  I just know they are going to be alright.  But those 30 minutes were scary.  My cervix is 5cm long (not dialated) which is pretty incredible I guess.  My Dr says I have a cervix like superwoman and that's it's longer than some one with a singleton pregnancy.  We knew this because as I've explained before (I think), I just don't go into labor.  They could induce me tomorrow and the babies wouldn't come out unless we did a c-section.  This was always sorta crappy when I was pregnant with my boys but it's such a blessed thing now.  If I make it 2.5-3 weeks I may just get to take 3 babies straight home with me!

We've narrowed it down to 5 names.  At the moment we have 3 favorites out of the 5 but I could change my name in 5 minutes from now.  I hope it's easy to decide once I see their sweet faces.


  1. I am so happy for you and I am praying for 2.5 weeks for the sweet babies . You deserve each and every blessing you are about to receive. God moves in mysterious ways. Keep smiling Kelly, you are doing great.

  2. Always glad to hear your doctor's appointments are still going well. I have a feeling that no matter what names you choose for your daughters, they will most likely be introduced as
    "Our" "Little" "Miracles".

  3. Kelly,
    I am so happy your having a great pregnancy!!! Wow you are a superpreggo!!! So excited to hear about the delivery and see those precious faces!!! Love from Colorado

  4. Elated to read that you are still powering along with your pregnancy. Well done Kelly! Please keep the updates coming as there are so many of us out in Blog-Land who are cheering and cheering and cheering (had to write that 3 times!!) for you and your babies. M :)

  5. Kelly,
    I have been thinking & praying lots for you & your little girls I was so happy to see your update & know your are still preggo growing those ��3 Princesses��... Cheering for those extra 2.5-3 weeks so that you may take them home with you ❤

  6. so glad for the update! i keep thinking about you.
    Colum is insanely handsome in that picture.
    I love the unbuttoned button by his neck. <3

  7. Kelly, you are amazing!!I know you can make it a few more weeks! Get those beautiful girls here safe and sound :)
    When I seen Colum's picture I was captured by his amazing blue eyes, they are beautiful and peaceful. He is such a perfect little boy, and I know your heart aches for him. Thanks for sharing him with us, he is like a piece of heaven. I can't wait to see Finn take on the big brother roll with his three little sisters. He will be super great!
    Here is to a few more weeks left of your pregnancy!! keep up the good work girl :)

  8. I too have triplets. They are now 8 years old. I also had one that we could never find his heartbeat. So, I understand your feeling of anxiety after such a long time trying to find it. After multiple appointments of this, we learned where he was hanging out in there and I would have to hold/ rub his head which was positioned on my right side below my ribs. For some reason that helped him stay still and we could locate heartbeat quicker. On a side note of that... He is my one that loves hugs and needs extra touching (kisses, hand holding). He is also my most active, creative kid when it comes to mischief. You will have so much fun learning about each of you daughters and finding out their personalities. It's so fun with 3 the same age. Even my husband who was in such shock says now we are so lucky to have triplets. Keep up the rest. I wish I could go back to bed rest for a week or longer now.

  9. That picture is just plain precious! What a handsome little boy! I am so happy that your pregnancy is going so well and that you possibly will be able to take home all three girls immediately. I have thought and prayed for you and your family often.

  10. So exciting that your pregnancy is progressing so smoothly. What a blessing it would be to bring all three babies home from the hospital with you. That is my hope and prayer for you! Congrats on your super-cervix, hope it holds up for another few weeks! I hope at least one of those girls inherits her big brother's clear, gorgeous, expressive blue eyes. They are incredibly beautiful!

  11. WOW...you are getting so close to meeting those babies! I can't wait to see pictures! Love that pic of Colum...Preslee and him would have been such a cute girlfriend/boyfriend (with their gorgeous blue eyes and blond hair)!

  12. I always want to hit "like" in response to the comments. Everyone is so supportive and seems to say just the right thing. You have such a following, Kelly!

    It's fantastic that you are still incubating those little wonders. It must be crazy uncomfortable and stressful. Those hormones must contribute to your ever-ready tears, but I know this is a very tender time as you approach the birth of the new ones and it brings to mind thoughts of Colum maybe more than ever.

    Holding all good thoughts for just enough time to bring 3 healthy, ready to take home little beauties. And I hope you will have lots of help when you get there! Thinking of you all the time.

  13. Hang in there...we are all pulling for you and your 3 girlie girls. Colum is so beautiful. Those big blue eyes. Glad you are doing so well. Hope the next few weeks go well. Can't wait to see the babies and hear about how you chose their names.

  14. When you see those beautiful little faces, you will know their names!! You look so beautiful pregnant Kelly but I can't imagine how you must feel in this heat. The two monkeys are cute....Finn is so sweet! Can't wait to see pics of your baby girls but of course in another 3-5 weeks!! I still wear my I HEART COLUM bracelet everyday!!
    Take care!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  15. Oh, wow. What a beautiful post; everything! You touch my heart. Your pregnancy details are a.maz.ing. I'm so fascinated! Those positions, sheesh. Well this is very exciting. You are doing well and I am so glad. Can't wait to hear of their birth.