::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

7.24.2013

Guilty

On Thursday, late afternoon we got a call from the DA's office saying it was looking like he may plead guilty.  He was ready to enter his plea the next day on Friday at 2pm.  She said he may back out of it and to not get our hopes up.  We made arrangements to be there with shaky hopes, bracing ourselves for anything.  

It was one of those hearings where multiple cases are heard.  First was a young man maybe 20 years old standing in front of the judge on drug charges. He had multiple felonies already under his young belt.  He left long before our case was heard but I'd wished so bad that he could've stayed and listened to a possible future for him if he continued down the road he was heading.  Next was a homicide case.  Half the courtroom was filled with the victim's family as they awaited sentencing.  

Each time they ended one case we braced ourselves expecting him to be wheeled out.  I began to cry long before it was our turn.  I don't know why but I didn't expect to cry.  I was overcome by emotion for once again our fate was held in his hands.  

They wheeled him out and I noticed that he had cut his hair for the first time since the accident.  They parked his wheelchair next to the pulpit in front of the judge, instead of next to his attorneys where he usually sits.  The judge questioned his sanity and if he was competent enough to enter a plea today.  They named off each felony one by one and he plead guilty to each count.  I felt heads turning and eyes falling on us as they read each charge.  As I looked up my eyes made contact with Bailiffs and police officers who were looking at us with deep sympathy and watery eyes.  Sentencing was scheduled for late September where Ryan and I will both speak.

I began to relax and must have started daydreaming as they finished up and the Bailiff started to wheel him out.  I heard a voice say To the Pack family I truly am so sorry.  I wasn't looking at him but our eyes quickly met for the first time as I came out of my daydream to quickly say thank you.

The feeling of relief took over us both as we exited the courtroom.  We thanked the Prosecutor and thanked her for not doing any plea bargains.  I really don't think I could've handled it if they had.  A reporter met us outside the doors for a quick interview and asked right away if we forgive him.  I realized that at that moment I didn't, and I thought it was ridiculously soon to be asking us that.  I couldn't answer and just looked at Ryan who gave a statement.  

As we drove home I could physically feel the hardness in my chest start to loosen up.  I can only describe it like a sinus infection.  When your sinuses are clogged and everything is hard causing you a headache.  Except I didn't feel the hard part until it slowly began softening up, slowly releasing me from the tension I'd been unknowingly carrying around.  I don't know if it was anger, hate, anxiety, pain, or sadness...perhaps all of the above, but it had slowly built up inside me, around my heart.  

I'm sure I will get to the point of forgiveness and a huge part of me feels like I already have.  Hearing his voice and putting myself in his shoes really made me feel sorry for him.  The fact that he pled guilty definitely helps the process.  I don't hate him.  I wish that our story could prevent this from ever happening to anyone else ever again.  I wish I could talk to every young drug addict and tell them our story, I wish he could too.  I just want something really good to come out of this tragedy.  

14 comments:

  1. I saw the article in the tribune and have been waiting to see how you felt about it. so glad he pled guilty and you guys don't have to sit through a trial.Sending love from Riverton,Charlene

    ReplyDelete
  2. Once again, your strength amazes me and I too am grateful he decided to plead guilty..... I am also grateful he finally said something and apologized.
    Bless you! Love and hugs from St Louis!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so happy that he plead guilty. I was worried about the stresses of a trial on you while you were pregnant and am relieved that you will not have to deal with that when you should be focusing on yourself and your three little ones and remembering all the good times with your precious Colum.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Like Sarah Mentioned above.. I have been so worried about how a trial would affect your nerve and anxiety and what impact it would be on your pregnancy... Nothing changes what your family has gone through but the fact that he admitted his guilt and your family has been spared the agony of reliving every moment via trial...what a blessing..

    ReplyDelete
  5. thanks for sharing this with us. I can't even imagine how hard it was to be there. I am so glad he plead guilty, and feels remorse, and that you don't have do go through a long invasive and emotional trial. You need positive thoughts and energy in your life right now, and the time and space to begin the emotional healing process. My thoughts and love are with you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm so glad that part is over. He did the right thing. I too hope others learn from this. No matter what happens to that man, he cannot take your happiness away. Your darling Colum, Finn, your 3 baby girls, your husband and you deserve to only focus on love joy and happiness. I don't wish him any ill will but I hope he never gets a chance to hurt another person....ever.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hugs to you all. You are an amazing woman do you know that?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Kelly, I cried reading this. My heart is so relieved for you. I'm glad he owned up to his actions and plead guilty. Prayers still going out to you and Ryan.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are amazing. Forgiveness will come. I'm so glad you and Ryan did not have to go through a trial. Auntie EM is right - you deserve to focus on joy and happiness for your family. I'm praying for all of you and can't wait to see those little girls and hear their names. God bless you all.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kelly and ryan i admire you so much and i think of you guys everyday, as i am a drug addict and not doing.the pain pills on a daily basis like i used to and its because. Of you and ryan if you guys can do it so can i thats why i love you guys you are so strong and i am relieved that you can now relax and take care of your family stay strong and i cant wait to see the girls.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Prayers continue for you and your family....Colum is always in our hearts and those 3 little girls are too!!! So happy for you guys and grateful that he pled guilty. I am also glad you all are healing and getting stronger every day. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  12. I don't even know what to say about your grace and strength.
    There aren't words.
    But I wanted you to know I read this, and I cried--and I high-fived Colum in my heart.
    The Pack family is forever in our prayers!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow. I cannot pretend to walk in your shoes. Except that I hope I would be as graceful as you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. as I read the last line of your post, "I just want something really good to come out of this tragedy." my eyes looked down to see the start of your previous post "28 weeks" and I thought to myself, 3 precious baby girls are on their way & their big brother will be their angel protecting them from above every day. love & prayers to you & your family. I am so so glad he pled guilty

    ReplyDelete