::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



On Thursday, late afternoon we got a call from the DA's office saying it was looking like he may plead guilty.  He was ready to enter his plea the next day on Friday at 2pm.  She said he may back out of it and to not get our hopes up.  We made arrangements to be there with shaky hopes, bracing ourselves for anything.  

It was one of those hearings where multiple cases are heard.  First was a young man maybe 20 years old standing in front of the judge on drug charges. He had multiple felonies already under his young belt.  He left long before our case was heard but I'd wished so bad that he could've stayed and listened to a possible future for him if he continued down the road he was heading.  Next was a homicide case.  Half the courtroom was filled with the victim's family as they awaited sentencing.  

Each time they ended one case we braced ourselves expecting him to be wheeled out.  I began to cry long before it was our turn.  I don't know why but I didn't expect to cry.  I was overcome by emotion for once again our fate was held in his hands.  

They wheeled him out and I noticed that he had cut his hair for the first time since the accident.  They parked his wheelchair next to the pulpit in front of the judge, instead of next to his attorneys where he usually sits.  The judge questioned his sanity and if he was competent enough to enter a plea today.  They named off each felony one by one and he plead guilty to each count.  I felt heads turning and eyes falling on us as they read each charge.  As I looked up my eyes made contact with Bailiffs and police officers who were looking at us with deep sympathy and watery eyes.  Sentencing was scheduled for late September where Ryan and I will both speak.

I began to relax and must have started daydreaming as they finished up and the Bailiff started to wheel him out.  I heard a voice say To the Pack family I truly am so sorry.  I wasn't looking at him but our eyes quickly met for the first time as I came out of my daydream to quickly say thank you.

The feeling of relief took over us both as we exited the courtroom.  We thanked the Prosecutor and thanked her for not doing any plea bargains.  I really don't think I could've handled it if they had.  A reporter met us outside the doors for a quick interview and asked right away if we forgive him.  I realized that at that moment I didn't, and I thought it was ridiculously soon to be asking us that.  I couldn't answer and just looked at Ryan who gave a statement.  

As we drove home I could physically feel the hardness in my chest start to loosen up.  I can only describe it like a sinus infection.  When your sinuses are clogged and everything is hard causing you a headache.  Except I didn't feel the hard part until it slowly began softening up, slowly releasing me from the tension I'd been unknowingly carrying around.  I don't know if it was anger, hate, anxiety, pain, or sadness...perhaps all of the above, but it had slowly built up inside me, around my heart.  

I'm sure I will get to the point of forgiveness and a huge part of me feels like I already have.  Hearing his voice and putting myself in his shoes really made me feel sorry for him.  The fact that he pled guilty definitely helps the process.  I don't hate him.  I wish that our story could prevent this from ever happening to anyone else ever again.  I wish I could talk to every young drug addict and tell them our story, I wish he could too.  I just want something really good to come out of this tragedy.  


28 weeks

I went to the Dr again on Monday.  Babies are still perfect!  I even got an estimate of their weights.  Every other visit they do an extra long ultrasound and I just learned it's called a growth scan and it estimates their growths.  Here are their weights as of Monday:

Baby A 2lbs 1 oz

Baby B 2 lbs 1 oz

Baby C 1 lb 15 oz

They are in the 33-40% percentile which is really good for triplets.  The ultrasound tech even commented how crazy it was that it still looks like they have room in there.  Baby A is the lowest one, the one that will come out first and just happens to be the spare.  Baby B is in the middle and Baby C is on top.  Baby B has the least amount of room.  B & C are the identical ones.  Baby A looks a lot different than her twin that are triplets sisters.  

I'm SO EXCITED to see what color of hair they all have.  What color of eyes.  We have a lot of every colored eye in our family so we could get anything.  Of course the ultrasound makes it look like the twins look exactly like Colum and I.  But they could still come out dark but I have a feeling we will get some blondes.  

Still haven't pin pointed exactly what the names are going to be.  This is not like me at all.  We have a handful and may just name them when we see them.  Colum was almost a Henry, but he came out and was definitely a Colum.  

It's getting harder and harder for me to get around and I spend most of my time in bed.  I haven't been put on bed rest but my body is basically doing it on it's own.  I'm now measuring 38 weeks which is bigger than most singleton full term Moms ever measure.  The reason being is that the baby drops into the pelvis and most don't measure past 37 weeks.  If I get up to do the littlest things I start having Braxton Hicks or get a sharp pain on my upper left side.  It's frustrating because there is still a lot of unpacking to get done and the babies nursery looks like a bomb went off.  I'm slowly getting things washed and put away.  I die every time I put away a preemie item.  They are just so so tiny.  Our kitchen should be done by the end of today and I will get to use my sink with a disposal soon!  I am so excited to just be able to rinse off dishes and then put them straight into the dishwasher!  Every easy thing is going to be a huge help around here.  

My pickle cravings are pretty much gone and I eat watermelon a little less.  I mostly crave ice, and basically snack on it all day...yes I am a little bit anemic and take iron everyday.  I'm doing really really good.  So far I am so lucky to not have complications and I have a feeling I will go to 35 weeks but for now just have my eyes set at 32.  

The trial starts on Monday.  A huge thank you for all the thoughts and prayers! We are going to need it over the next few months.  I'm so looking forward to having the trial, one more big thing behind us.  Have a great weekend!


high on life

Sorry it's been so long since my last post.  We finally decided to move into our new house after the 5k as another way to celebrate Colum's Birthday.  At first we didn't have tv or internet but we are back in business hallelujah!  I've decided moving in is so much better than moving out.  I sound like a broken record when I say this change just makes me so happy.  I feel like I can breathe again.  I even sorta feel like I could fly.

The 5k was so beautiful.  The 2 weeks before I spent running around organizing all the last minute details.  Being our first 5k I was really nervous I was forgetting something really important and was just praying that it would all come together.  And it did.  One of my main goals since the beginning was not to stress, besides the shirt situation I didn't,  which if you know me is a small miracle.  

We had a wonderful turnout!  The Gunnell family came and every one got to meet/see Norah.  Norah has been home from the hospital for about 2 weeks.  They've turned their home into a mini-hospital and have been caring for her all on their own but are expecting home nurse help soon.  Considering that she'd lived in the hospital her entire life I can only imagine how over-stimulating that must have been for her to be surrounded by so many people.  She was such a trooper and can I just say she has some of the most beautiful features I've ever seen...she has the most beautiful, to die for rose bud lips in the world.  

Thank you to every one for coming, donating, volunteering, and running/walking from afar.  (note: for those that haven't gotten their shirts I promise they are being made and I haven't forgotten about you, I'm really sorry).  It turned Colum's Birthday party into something magical.  Instead of dreading it I was looking forward to it.  I can honestly say that it was one of the best days of my life.  Between the 5k and finally moving in, I was completely high on life for about 5 days and still am.  

The babies at my last Dr appt are still doing perfect.  It's definitely starting to feel like I'm carrying 3 instead of 1.  Living at my Mother-in-Laws we miss placed my full length mirror so I didn't have one for a couple months.  Every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in a public bathroom it would startle me to see just how much I'd grown.  I still don't have much of an appetite and the only cravings I've really had is pickles and watermelon (but not together).  I eat them everyday.  I'm peeing every 5-30 minutes and am in the full swing of using the motorized carts whenever at the grocery store or Home Depot. I can feel people staring at me and I want to get a 2XL tshirt that says "pregnant with triplets". 

We are going on day 11 with no sinks!  We thought we would have bathroom sinks by Friday but unfortunately we've ran into a few hiccups along the way.  It's sorta like camping, except we pretty much eat out at every meal.  I'm so tired of eating out and restaurants.  I miss cooking.  I used to cook about 4-5 days a week BC.  AC I just couldn't anymore.  I was too overwhelmed.  The thought of coming up with something to make, going to the grocery store, cooking it, and cleaning afterwards was enough to make me lay in the fetal position and cry.  But I'm feeling a lot more normal, like my old self, and I think I'm ready.

Have I told you Ryan got a new brace?  It's so much better but we laugh because it looks a lot like an ankle monitor.

the starting line.

The Gunnell family.  Mom and Dad both trying to keep little Norah cool.

This picture is for all the sweet sweet people who say I don't look like I'm carrying triplets.  This is my friend Malana and we discovered we have the exact same due date Oct 13.  Both 25 weeks here... singleton vs triplets!  To my credit this girl IS tiny.

I found this picture while unpacking.  My Mom, Grandma and 3 of my siblings.  That's little me in the front.  I think I look about 3 here... I imagine Colum would be looking something like this but more boy.  

This crazy unpacking business wore Finn right out.  He literally never does this.  Our friends came over here and wore him right out and he snuck off and fell asleep on the floor.

Not the best picture but after the race after most people had gone we sang Happy Birthday to Colum and let go of some balloons.

 Thank you all who have sent us baby gifts!  We appreciate it so much and have been blown away by your kindness.

Update:  Huge thanks to Chandy Colton, Shannon Clements, JaNae & Joy Scheidle and Addicts II Athletes for all of your help!  Couldn't have done it without you!