I don't miss our old house, not one bit. We are still living with my Mother-in-Law and it's been really great. Finn has been getting closer to her and counts the minutes for her to get home from work so he can go upstairs to spend time with her. We may start moving in our new house next week, but that will be with no kitchen and only toilets and a shower in the bathrooms. I'm getting very anxious to start unpacking and to get the nursery set up. Each day I'm growing larger and becoming less useful.
After the accident my body was still healing and so I spent a lot of time in bed. It hurt to walk (and still does) and the place where I felt the least amount of pain was in my bed. Every minute I was home was spent in my bed. I can't explain why but being in my own house outside of my bed made me feel uneasy. I felt trapped in my own home. I'd never been a lay in bed all day person BC. Getting up to go somewhere was a struggle. Even long after my body had healed a great deal, my bed is where I always wanted to be. In my bed I could cry whenever I wanted, I could cry for my baby while hugging my pillow. Being out of my bed was physically and emotionally uncomfortable, it was my safe place, my security blanket. I did everything I could in my bed; paid bills, ate all my meals, painted my nails etc. If it couldn't be done in my bed I just wouldn't do it.
I knew we had to move. I was worried deep down that I was going to be one of those Moms who lay in bed all day everyday. I felt chained to my stupid bed and it wasn't me.
Ever since we've moved away from that house I'm free again. I don't long for my bed or even spend much time in my bedroom. Something about that house and those memories made me feel trapped instead of comforted. There's just so many good things about our new house and this new adventure. Not being chained to my bed is so refreshing. I can't recall ever being this excited about something and feeling this good about it.
Yesterday Finn and I went to Costco to pick up a few things. After shopping we stopped to share a slice of pizza for a late lunch. As I was walking to sit down I passed a shopping cart with 2 infant carseats in it. I looked and saw 2 newborn babies. Twins I thought as I smiled and began to walk away. But out of the corner of my eye I spotted a second cart with a third carseat in it. Triplets! I had to say something, it's not everyday you run into triplets. So I quickly walked up and introduced myself to the lucky parents who were very welcoming to all my questions and super friendly. Their triplets were all girls and two were identical. Finn was with me and I told him he was almost 5 and they were astonished that we were so similar...or at least they thought, for they too had a 5 year old son. I briefly explained to them that I have another son who was killed in a car accident and then quickly went back to discussing triplet life, being conscience not to cry or make things awkward. It's always painful meeting new people. On the outside we look like we just have a son who's almost 5 and have a set of triplets on the way. But there's one more & it always feels like he's being forgotten.
We'd exchanged names and this morning I briefly looked at facebook and saw she'd sent me a friend request. I accepted and had a few minutes to spare and started scrolling down reading people's posts. I quickly came across a wall post she'd written about us meeting. She wrote how she'd met someone at Costco who was pregnant with triplet girls, 2 were identical and how I'd had a 5 year old son. It was an innocent post about a strange coincidence. One of her friends commented she wants to be you.
I cried when I read it. It hurts so bad. I cried all morning. It took every ounce for me not to comment and write I have another son. He had blue eyes and blonde hair. He'd be turning 3 this month, he's supposed to be here too. He would be here if a man on drugs hadn't hit us on Christmas Eve almost exactly 18 mos ago. We really aren't as similar as it may seem.
Please know I take no offense and I'm not angry at her for forgetting what I'd told her about Colum. I don't expect everybody to tiptoe around my emotions. By the looks of it it was a crazy coincidence on the outside. It's just hard being on this end. It hurts not having him here, it always will. Other people may forget about him but he's always on my mind and in the center of my heart. I'm sure things like this will get easier with time. And I'm excited to spend this time out of my cage in wide open spaces.
Update: maybe she didn't forget, maybe she did. That's not what hurts. It's just hard having 1 kid with me instead of 2. It's hard having one of your sons be an uncomfortable subject. People don't bring him up because they don't want to make me cry or feel uncomfortable themselves. I get it. I used to be that person. It just sucks. I hope that makes better sense.