::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

6.05.2013

Out of bed

I don't miss our old house, not one bit.  We are still living with my Mother-in-Law and it's been really great.  Finn has been getting closer to her and counts the minutes for her to get home from work so he can go upstairs to spend time with her.  We may start moving in our new house next week, but that will be with no kitchen and only toilets and a shower in the bathrooms.  I'm getting very anxious to start unpacking and to get the nursery set up.  Each day I'm growing larger and becoming less useful.

After the accident my body was still healing and so I spent a lot of time in bed.  It hurt to walk (and still does) and the place where I felt the least amount of pain was in my bed.  Every minute I was home was spent in my bed.  I can't explain why but being in my own house outside of my bed made me feel uneasy.  I felt trapped in my own home.  I'd never been a lay in bed all day person BC.  Getting up to go somewhere was a struggle.  Even long after my body had healed a great deal, my bed is where I always wanted to be.  In my bed I could cry whenever I wanted, I could cry for my baby while hugging my pillow.  Being out of my bed was physically and emotionally uncomfortable, it was my safe place, my security blanket.  I did everything I could in my bed; paid bills, ate all my meals, painted my nails etc.  If it couldn't be done in my bed I just wouldn't do it.

I knew we had to move.  I was worried deep down that I was going to be one of those Moms who lay in bed all day everyday.  I felt chained to my stupid bed and it wasn't me.  

Ever since we've moved away from that house I'm free again.  I don't long for my bed or even spend much time in my bedroom.  Something about that house and those memories made me feel trapped instead of comforted.  There's just so many good things about our new house and this new adventure.  Not being chained to my bed is so refreshing.  I can't recall ever being this excited about something and feeling this good about it.  

Yesterday Finn and I went to Costco to pick up a few things.  After shopping we stopped to share a slice of pizza for a late lunch.  As I was walking to sit down I passed a shopping cart with 2 infant carseats in it.  I looked and saw 2 newborn babies.  Twins I thought as I smiled and began to walk away.  But out of the corner of my eye I spotted a second cart with a third carseat in it.  Triplets!  I had to say something, it's not everyday you run into triplets.  So I quickly walked up and introduced myself to the lucky parents who were very welcoming to all my questions and super friendly.  Their triplets were all girls and two were identical.  Finn was with me and I told him he was almost 5 and they were astonished that we were so similar...or at least they thought, for they too had a 5 year old son.  I briefly explained to them that I have another son who was killed in a car accident and then quickly went back to discussing triplet life, being conscience not to cry or make things awkward.  It's always painful meeting new people.  On the outside we look like we just have a son who's almost 5 and have a set of triplets on the way.  But there's one more & it always feels like he's being forgotten.

We'd exchanged names and this morning I briefly looked at facebook and saw she'd sent me a friend request.  I accepted and had a few minutes to spare and started scrolling down reading people's posts.  I quickly came across a wall post she'd written about us meeting.  She wrote how she'd met someone at Costco who was pregnant with triplet girls, 2 were identical and how I'd had a 5 year old son.  It was an innocent post about a strange coincidence.  One of her friends commented she wants to be you.  

I cried when I read it.  It hurts so bad.  I cried all morning.  It took every ounce for me not to comment and write I have another son.  He had blue eyes and blonde hair.  He'd be turning 3 this month, he's supposed to be here too.  He would be here if a man on drugs hadn't hit us on Christmas Eve almost exactly 18 mos ago.  We really aren't as similar as it may seem.

Please know I take no offense and I'm not angry at her for forgetting what I'd told her about Colum.  I don't expect everybody to tiptoe around my emotions.  By the looks of it it was a crazy coincidence on the outside.  It's just hard being on this end.  It hurts not having him here, it always will.  Other people may forget about him but he's always on my mind and in the center of my heart.  I'm sure things like this will get easier with time.  And I'm excited to spend this time out of my cage in wide open spaces.

Update: maybe she didn't forget, maybe she did.  That's not what hurts.  It's just hard having 1 kid with me instead of 2.  It's hard having one of your sons be an uncomfortable subject.  People don't bring him up because they don't want to make me cry or feel uncomfortable themselves.  I get it.  I used to be that person.  It just sucks.  I hope that makes better sense.

21 comments:

  1. Reading your post quickly and with tired eyes and exhausted emotions. Maybe this Mother so similar to you in appearance only, thought that what you shared with her about your sweet son was private and she didn't want to betray you or your new found friendship by posting it on Facebook. Just a thought! It seems always easier to share happiness with others than sorrow.

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  2. I agree with Lisa. I am so sorry you felt even for a moment that his existence was being denied. Anyone, especially a Mama, couldn't forget what you told her about Colum. She probably just viewed that as very sacred information. And just the fact that she so quickly sent you a friend request makes me think she very much wants to open her mother's heart to you and help anyway she can.

    So very many people do remember. While I am sure as HIS mother it is still impossible to accept that the new people in your life will never know him. :(
    I live in PA. I know Colum Jacob Pack was born. I know that he was very loved. I know that he makes me a better mom. I know, like my son...he will be 3 this summer.

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    1. This touched my heart. I too, know about column. And I think of him often even though I only know of him through this blog.

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  3. you and i have never met - but i think of colum every day. i have a blue-eyed, tow-headed son who is only three weeks older than colum, and when i first found your blog i couldn't even read it through the mourning i felt deep in my soul.

    i think, presumptuously maybe, that had paths ever crossed, john and colum would be a matched set of beautiful friends.

    i hope it helps at least a little to know that way down here in baton rouge, colum is remembered always.

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  4. What a happy and sad post. You are entitled to your feelings no matter what they are.

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  5. I'm so glad that your move is helping you live without Colum. I know he will be with you every minute of every day of your life. There is no forgetting him, so however you can live that is healthy for you is a great honor to him.

    I am also positive that this mom of triplets did not forget about Colum. None of us do. But she was looking for an up, happy post on facebook. She likely didn't want to complicate her post with such a tragic twist. Like many of us she probably didn't even know how to include Colum in that up, happy post. You, unfortunately, have almost 18-months experience dealing with it. She had but a few hours or days. But I'm so, so, so sure she didn't forget about Colum. She thinks about him more than you'd imagine (ok, with infant triplets she may not have time to think about him or anything very much, but she does).

    I think it has to be difficult to make new friends after a loss. The new person knows you without the Colum. It takes time for them to integrate a person who isn't physically present into your relationship. It takes time, but it's worth it - and as the new friend becomes comfortable hearing about the Colum then it's like he's being reborn through them. My words are a little clumsy here, but I hope you understand what I mean.

    What a challenging road you walk.

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  6. Kelly, I am so sorry :( You have been through the most heartbreaking experience I can imagine and I know that must be so frustrating. You want people to know about Colum and the big part he plays in your life, you want him to be recognized as a part of your family and not forgotten and I know you want to be able to share that without people thinking you are looking for attention or creating an uncomfortable situation for someone else. I want you to know that I haven't forgotten Colum! I think about him all the time and especially recently as we are coming up on both his and Penny's birthdays. I wish he could be here to meet his sisters. I'm so glad you will be into your new house soon. If you need help you know who to call :)

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  7. I just think you're fabulous. I wish I could run into your cute pregnant self at Costco! I'm so sad I'm missing Colum's run. Last week I was in Utah and went for my morning run and ran around the cemetery. I don't know where he is at, but I blew kisses to him anyway. Even those of us who aren't super close to you still think about him! He won't be forgotten, ever. XOXO

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    1. You don't even know me. I am just someone who heard about your little family and follow your posts. I just want to let you know that I don't forget Colum. I think of him and your family often!

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  8. I feel the same way when people don't mention my boy. It feels as though the arrival of his sister has written him out of people's minds. No wonder you were upset Kelly. I understand why people do it but it hurts so, so much when they don't acknowledge our boys. They were here, they are missed and loved and thought about every waking moment and it's so painful to feel that people don't get that.

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  9. I Have read your blog for so long now, I rarely comment because you have so many comments to read :) This one struck a chord with me. I have two daughters 10 and 8, they were both premature weighing 2 and 3 pounds when they were born. I have struggled with infertility and pain from loss- I know where your coming from, I would have replied back and said- no I don't want to be her, because I am not her I have another son who would be (his age) and he is still a part of my life he is just not living on this earth- you have him, he is your son. I lost babies (boys) at 20 weeks, 24 weeks and my last was at 10 weeks (testing said healthy boy). In my heart of hearts I want to wear a sign that says I have more kids, I get asked all the time why I only have the 2... well, um 8 pregnancies later and wishing and wanting more they just don't get it. They don't understand. I have not met you but Colum has remained a part of my life through you. Your an inspiration and my heart hurts and rejoices for happiness to you. ((hugs)) don't give up.

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  10. Hi Kelly,
    I just found out you're pregnant with triplets and am so happy for you! I've been praying for you for the past year that you'd be able to get pregnant. I'm also happy you're able to move into a new home. I'm planning on running the race on your son's birthday.
    I became pregnant in October of 2011 but then lost the baby when I was four months along. I delivered her when I was supposed to be 20 weeks along. We hope to be able to raise her in the future. Then I became pregnant a few months later and found out I was pregnant with twin girls. It was a hard pregnancy, but not so hard as carrying triplets after a major car accident. They were born December of last year at 37 weeks. We named them Sophie and Olivia and they have been a wonderful blessing for our family.
    I will continue to pray for you to have a healthy pregnancy and easy delivery.
    I'm glad to know you,
    Lisa Kelly

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    1. Just reading this comment and had to say...how strange. I too have 2 girls, though not twins: Alivia Faith and Sophia Grace. :) Great names!

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  11. Hi I'm Emily Campbell, Norah's Aunt(Jeff's sister). I've heard so much about you from Shauna and I'm so excited to meet you on the 29th. I wanted to say thank you for doing the 5K in honor of Colum and Norah. I think about your family often :)

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  12. Kelly!! Sendin big hugs to you. I would have cried too- especially with this hormones you have raging thru you. I hate the awkward reactions people have when told of tragedy. They just can't handle it, and don't know how I respond. But I will never forget Colum. After all, I like to think that I met him even before meeting you.

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  13. " She wants to be you" is a weird comment to make. I think facebook is quite dangerous like that because you read the words and not the sentiment, I hope that makes sense.
    you are a remarkable woman/mum I have read your blog and and the story of your adorable sons and soon to be triplets. Colum grew beneath your heart and will always live inside it and he will always be part of your family and it will get easier to share your memories.The pain of loss doesn't lessen but the way you cope with it does.
    Sending hugs to you

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  14. Hi Kelly, I'm so glad that you're looking forward to the new house. I'm just wondering if you have ever come across the blog " the great umbrella heist". Sarah who writes it has identical girl triplets who are six and they have had a loss before, i love reading it and you might 'find it especially interesting now with your girls on the way! Also, I just want to say that I love your blog!

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  15. Kelly, I am so sorry this happened & that it caused you additional pain :-( I know without a doubt, if the woman or any of her friends on facebook knew about your blog, and read about your son (like I did) they would NEVER forget him. I will always, always remember your Colum. He is your son forever & ever & ever. My dad lost his little brother Lee when Lee was 3 years old. Lee would be in his sixties now. I always remember that I have an Uncle Lee. He's my dad's brother, always & forever. I hope Lee is the first person I get to meet in heaven. We love him & we always, always will. Sending love & hugs your way.

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  16. My niece's little baby girl (5 months) passed away 3 1/2 years ago from a genetic/neurological condition. One of my niece's fears was that everyone would forget how amazing and wonderful little Makenzie was and is. We loved that little baby girl so much but her parents ....well, there is nothing to describe a mother's or father's love. Just like Makenzie, your little Colum, your son, will always be adored and loved and will never be forgotten. He will not be left in the past, because for you...he will always be part of your life. He lives in your heart forever. Those precious treasured memories of his life will live on...you will see him in Finn....you will see him in your baby girls. He will be with you every step of the way.

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  17. Kelly
    In reading your post I wanted to say something to support you, and then I read what the Hetrick family posted.

    And I want to say the same as there are lots of us out here thinking about you: I live in NY. I know Colum Jacob Pack was born. I know that he was very loved. I know that he makes me a better mom. And I pray for your beautiful family and see his beautiful face in my mind. Jen

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  18. I don't know you personally but have followed your blog for quite some time now. I have also told my children your story. I just want you to know that your story and Colum not only touched my heart but also my 16 year old son's. While he was in drivers training he had to write an essay about drunk driving and I recieved an email from his teacher saying what an impact his essay had on him and so he was going to share it with the class. In his essay he wrote about your accident and also about Colum and the impact of your story had on him about making good choices. I hope you know that our family won't ever forget Colum.

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