::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

4.28.2013

Colum's house

We've been packing up all of our belongings all week.  It's been exhausting but I know it will be worth it.  I haven't gotten sad until this morning.  I have a sliver in the bottom of my foot.  While trying to get it out I noticed a scar.  After a busy morning working and taking care of two little boys Colum decided to push over a vase that we'd gotten for our wedding. It broke and I carefully vacuumed up all the pieces relieved nobody had gotten hurt.  But later that day I stepped on a sharp black piece of pottery.  It hurt like hell and lodged itself deep into my foot.  I walked with a limp for weeks and never got that sucker out.  I remember his face when he walked up to that very large vase that had been there his entire existence while he impulsively pushed it over.  It came out of nowhere.  

We have a ditch in our front yard that meets a semi busy street.  I remember Colum would crawl straight to it.  Turn around and crawl backwards until his feet touched the bottom of the ditch only to turn around and climb up the other side.  It obviously had no water in it.  We'd have to chase him down and bring him back only to find him headed straight back towards that ditch with sheer determination over and over again. 

He always had us on our toes.  We did everything right to protect him.  I'm overly cautious and paranoid when it comes to my kids.  So far no one's had stitches and before the accident no broken bones.  Never missed a well check appointment and they were all caught up on their vaccines.  Worrying doesn't get you very far.  There are other forces that you can't protect your children from.  And it happens in an instant.  A normal day, when you can't see it coming.  Your mind is somewhere else and suddenly everything is changed forever.  You can't get it back.  You can't just walk out to the ditch and rescue them.  You rescue them so many times only to lose them; to lose apart yourself.  



This is Colum's house.  I think it will always be Colum's house to me.  For the rest of us must keep changing and living our lives.  

But whenever I miss my baby most of my memories will be taken back here. 

 To an ordinary day.  

When things were extraordinary.


9 months old.  I love this picture with him holding a stick that kinda looks like a fishing pole.

Saying goodbye.



22 comments:

  1. Oh Kelly. Love you. My heart is with you always ♥

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  2. Kelly, Ryan and Finn... I pray that this move helps ease your pain and start this new chapter in your lives. I truly believe Colum is with you always. I think he has sent you your three miracles. I would love to help in anyway I can please let me know. I will always keep you in my heart and prayers XO...Becky

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  3. Moving would be bittersweet, but I am certain he will be felt in your new home too. Do you need help moving/cleaning? Let me know.

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  4. This breaks my heart. I hope your new home is filled with joy, even with Colum's absence. I am praying for your family and for your new triplets!

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  5. No matter where you go...Colum will always be with all of you!!!

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  6. Tears.....Love you guys. Love your sweet Colum for what he has taught me. I pray your memories of him will always remain sharp in your mind and precious in your heart. We would love to help you guys unpack. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you guys need help. Your sweet baby Colum is a hero, and you are an awesome mommy! (HUGS)

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  7. This brought tears to my eyes. You are so right that we do all that we can to protect our children and sometimes it just isn't enough. Unexpected things can just creep up out of no where. My healthy two year old had a seizure as a result of a fairly low fever two days ago. It is something that I would never have expected, anticipated or been able to avert. Thank goodness he is fine now and the Dr. says it will likely never happen again. We do all that we can to keep them safe but life happens. I am so very sorry that life led you and your family in the direction that it did and hope that you can find a little happiness and comfort in your new additions. I know that they will never replace Colum but they are a gift from him that should be cherished.

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  8. So touching....your words are so profound and true. I love the last part where you say things were ordinary, but extraordinary. If only we could live each day like that with those we love. My heart goes out to you Kelly as you move to a new house and a new phase in your life with your husband, Finn and your three newbies. You aren't leaving Colum behind, he's right there with you all the way. The love never ends!!!

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  9. Such a sweet post. You've come a long way and I know Colum has been there every step with you. He will never leave your heart, always there to comfort you. I know he's excited about the three new babies. This is one of my favorite posts about Colum. He is always with you.

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  10. That last picture always tears me up inside. Tears just fall and fall because of it! You are an awesome mother with so much love to give. Love you and hope the move goes well. Colum will always be with you no matter where you go or live.

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  11. Such great memories in that house. I will missssss it. I'm excited to make new ones though!

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  12. The last picture, oh how I cry for you! I can't even imagine. You are so strong and so brave. Lots of prayers for you and yours.

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  13. Some things are a fact and they can never be changed. We will always worry about our children and do everything we can to protect them. That's a given fact. But ,we must never get caught up in a constant panic. Our memories are precious but they won't be memories if we are to busy worrying to make them. Simply put, we must learn to live with the things we cannot control. Loving our babies, holding them and laughing with them is the greatest gift we have. Please be ever so careful and hold those babies tight. Sometimes we have to start over and we don't have any choice about it. Sometimes we have to move on and it's scary. Your final destination is going to be beautiful and sweet Colum will always be by your side.

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  14. I needed this post because I feel I spend more time trying to protect my kids from getting hurt and less time watching them enjoy the world. People tease me about how I need to let go of them at some point but I am afraid I won't be there if they need me. You are an inspiration to all moms and you can look at your life with Colum and know without a shadow of a doubt that you never let that little boy down ..not ever. The picture of you saying goodbye is so tender and shows what a beautiful and loving mom you are. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding me that Moms can't stop all of our kids hurts, but we can love them fiercely and forever. So today I am going to let my little boy ride his bike without training wheels ( he is six!) And we will go around the block. This is a huge step for me but your right we can't stop things from happening, but we can let our kids be kids even if its scary. I am nuts when it comes to my kids. You have taught me so much, I've never met you but your always in my heart. Amber murie

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  15. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us! I love reading your blog and the perspective that it brings to my life :)

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  16. Well said, Colum is beautiful.

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  17. So beautiful. My thoughts continue to be with you and your family. <3

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  18. Kelly- you are such an inspiration. I am excited to read your last few posts to learn of your changes, and additions!! I cried immediately when i read that you are pregnant, and with 3!!
    I had boy/girl twins when my son was 20 months old, they are now 8 and 6. its like having triplets at times. YOU will be wonderful!
    i just know that God and Colum have blessed you with these babies, your home, your new vehicle... I will continue to pray for health and wellness to you and Ryan. Love from Baltimore, MD. -Erin

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  19. Bitter-sweet. You are amazing Kelly.

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  20. I agree with a previous poster; it is clear you have an amazing amount of love to give and I do believe that's partly why you're getting triplets! Bless your soul. I hope you aren't working too hard while pregnant. What a heart wrenching picture of you & your angel, but incredibly beautiful; he must be watching over you & your family so closely each day. Right there with you
    during these changes. You are incredible. I think you said you're moving to Salt Lake or closer to it. I still would love to meet you one day! You're in my thoughts!

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  21. I like to think that Colum is with you all everywhere you go. That scar you have is one of the many little bits of him that will endure. I just love every picture of him. He would have been such a fun big brother to his new siblings! Thinking of you always!

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