Had a few pregnancy scares last week. I woke up bleeding twice. This has never happened to me before. Everything is fine, they don't exactly know where it's coming from. Surprisingly I didn't panic either. When I'm pregnant I'm mostly super super chill. Almost too chill. (Like haven't started packing up my house yet even though we are moving very soon chill). My favorite Dr says it's because when you're pregnant you produce a lot of Progesterone. Progesterone is a mood stabilizing hormone. I'm naturally low on it, I take bio-identical Progesterone but it sure doesn't feel like this. I figured that everything was okay and if it wasn't I'd deal with it then.
They did an ultrasound. I was almost 15 weeks. I found out the sex with both Finn and Colum at 14 weeks. I asked the ultrasound tech to look and see what they all were. She grunted something about it being too early blah blah blah. She said you can't find out until 20-24 weeks...ummm 24 weeks? What is this the late 20th century? But as soon as she put the wand on my already huge belly I began to cry. I cried because everything was okay. And I cried because I have to pass the Hope Chapel every time I go see my Doctor or to get an ultrasound. Truthfully, I had already started crying when I passed it. It's a tiny little room. That day, the day of Colum's funeral feels so blurry, I don't know how we fit so many people in there. Before my very first appointment with her I went in there. I was glad to be alone. I started talking to him. The room looks smaller, it's not what I remember. But then a man carrying flowers walked in, I panicked and so I left.
I think the tech felt sorry for me. The lady who impatiently wants to know the sex of her triplets and starts crying at the drop of a hat. And so she looked. I'm not going to announce it yet, even though I really really want to. I want to have another look first. But I will tell you that we are in complete shock about it. I cried again, a mix of fear and happiness, we are so excited. Their legs are more proportioned with their little bodies now. And their legs looked absolutely beautiful kicking and stretching. I think and hope they have Ryan's legs. He has pretty legs with bony knees...they are very hairy so they are manly but pretty.
Lately, I tear up while trying to imagine Colum as an almost 3 year old. I watch Finn as he plays outside and I try to imagine a 2nd little boy out there along with him. His waddle would be long gone, his walk would be stable now. What would he do? What would he be saying? I hate that he's not here. I hate that my triplets have 2 older brothers and they will only get to know 1.
I've noticed something. I never yell. I really don't have anything to yell at. And I don't remember yelling at my kids before the accident although I'm sure there were lots of times. I like not yelling. I don't want to be a mom constantly yelling at my kids. I remember how it made me feel as a child and I think there's other ways to get your point across.
Ryan and I were talking last night. I expressed to him that to me the utmost important thing in raising my kids is to instill good self-esteem. Self esteem and self worth is everything. It can make or break a person. I think a child's self worth is based off of their lives at home. Sure, they can grow and develop a better one into adulthood. But the self doubt is always there, it's a hard thing to beat. I think yelling can hurt a child's self esteem even at a young age, slowly begins to break them. I hope I can control myself with three little ones. I'm scared to have so many at once because individual attention is important to me. It's going to be hard but I'm determined to make this work. I don't know anyone who is more impatient than I. Patience is going to be key.