::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

4.22.2013

Check

Our car sold very fast.  I posted it on KSL on a Friday and it was sold by Monday.  I guess I'm pretty good at selling stuff!  While Ryan was at work all last week Finn and I would go and test drive cars.  I can't remember where; here or one of my new Facebook support groups, somebody else with triplets commented that whenever you go somewhere to plan on packing a triplet stroller and 3 pac'n'plays....WOW!  I wanted a Volvo XC90.  They are sexy cars and I think it would've worked.  But the practicality side of me took over and we bought a Suburban!  I wasn't exactly excited about it, but it's growing on me and I know we will be glad we have the space we need for all these babies.  I test drove one minivan and I brought an infant car seat along.  I couldn't get the seat to fit through the captain chairs to the back row (where one baby would have to go).  Yes, I could fold one of the captain seats down but then it wouldn't have a base and we might as well get the Volvo.  Also, the Suburban can pull our camping trailer which is pretty cool.  Now I just got to get used to driving and parking the thing.  Finn likes to sit in the very back row.  I look in the rearview mirror and cannot believe how far away he is.  It's all just an adventure to him and I love it.  I'm so relieved to have that checked off the list.

Had a few pregnancy scares last week.  I woke up bleeding twice.  This has never happened to me before.  Everything is fine, they don't exactly know where it's coming from.  Surprisingly I didn't panic either.  When I'm pregnant I'm mostly super super chill.  Almost too chill.  (Like haven't started packing up my house yet even though we are moving very soon chill).  My favorite Dr says it's because when you're pregnant you produce a lot of Progesterone.  Progesterone is a mood stabilizing hormone.  I'm naturally low on it, I take bio-identical Progesterone but it sure doesn't feel like this.  I figured that everything was okay and if it wasn't I'd deal with it then.  

They did an ultrasound.  I was almost 15 weeks.  I found out the sex with both Finn and Colum at 14 weeks.  I asked the ultrasound tech to look and see what they all were.  She grunted something about it being too early blah blah blah.  She said you can't find out until 20-24 weeks...ummm 24 weeks?  What is this the late 20th century?  But as soon as she put the wand on my already huge belly I began to cry.  I cried because everything was okay.  And I cried because I have to pass the Hope Chapel every time I go see my Doctor or to get an ultrasound.  Truthfully, I had already started crying when I passed it.  It's a tiny little room.  That day, the day of Colum's funeral feels so blurry, I don't know how we fit so many people in there.  Before my very first appointment with her I went in there.  I was glad to be alone.  I started talking to him.  The room looks smaller, it's not what I remember.  But then a man carrying flowers walked in, I panicked and so I left.

I think the tech felt sorry for me.  The lady who impatiently wants to know the sex of her triplets and starts crying at the drop of a hat.  And so she looked.  I'm not going to announce it yet, even though I really really want to.  I want to have another look first.  But I will tell you that we are in complete shock about it.  I cried again, a mix of fear and happiness, we are so excited.  Their legs are more proportioned with their little bodies now.  And their legs looked absolutely beautiful kicking and stretching.  I think and hope they have Ryan's legs.  He has pretty legs with bony knees...they are very hairy so they are manly but pretty.

Lately, I tear up while trying to imagine Colum as an almost 3 year old.  I watch Finn as he plays outside and I try to imagine a 2nd little boy out there along with him.  His waddle would be long gone, his walk would be stable now.  What would he do?  What would he be saying?  I hate that he's not here.  I hate that my triplets have 2 older brothers and they will only get to know 1.  

I've noticed something.  I never yell.  I really don't have anything to yell at.  And I don't remember yelling at my kids before the accident although I'm sure there were lots of times.  I like not yelling.  I don't want to be a mom constantly yelling at my kids.  I remember how it made me feel as a child and I think there's other ways to get your point across.  

Ryan and I were talking last night.  I expressed to him that to me the utmost important thing in raising my kids is to instill good self-esteem.  Self esteem and self worth is everything.  It can make or break a person.  I think a child's self worth is based off of their lives at home.  Sure, they can grow and develop a better one into adulthood.  But the self doubt is always there, it's a hard thing to beat.  I think yelling can hurt a child's self esteem even at a young age, slowly begins to break them.  I hope I can control myself with three little ones.  I'm scared to have so many at once because individual attention is important to me.  It's going to be hard but I'm determined to make this work.  I don't know anyone who is more impatient than I.  Patience is going to be key.  


20 comments:

  1. Thank you, Kelly, for posting this. I struggle with yelling at my 2 yr old triplets every day and your whole post is a reminder and inspiration for me to improve my patience with them.

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  2. Yeah...I could definitely yell less. Saw the burb...nice. i'm sure you'll get used to it and hopefully feel super safe in it.

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  3. So glad you are ok after the scares you had. Praying for you and babies. Can't wait to hear the sex of the babies!

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  4. Your post gave me chills. You are such an amazing writer. I can't wait for the announcement on the sex of your babies:-) I am giddy just thinking about it. So glad you are doing well and babies are doing well!

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  5. Glad you were able to sell the car so fast, I continue to pray for you! I found out the sex of my twins at 15 weeks, my 2nd child they told me I couldn't find out until 26 weeks as it was a small country hospital and they didn't do those until then. We are excited for you!

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  6. Kelly, you are amazing and SO inspiring. Your post brought me to tears this morning, for so many reasons. I love you. Thank you for the beautiful reminder that there is no reason to yell, and the effect yelling can have on our precious babies and their self esteem.

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  7. I was sooo happy and relieved to read your blog today. I check EVERY single day and was a little worried not to read anything for 2 weeks. Can you tell I'm the worrier type??? I think of you often and just want all the best for you and your family.

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  8. Thank you for your sweet thought on not yelling at your children. I know that at some point or another we are all guilty, but it is a hard thing to hear. I used to hear my family members yell at their children and think to myself that I would never talk to my children like that. Yet, I find myself yelling more than I want to out of sheer frustration. There are other ways of getting your point across and I would hate to damage my boys self worth. It was a long hard road to get my boys here and I want to cherish there childhood as it seems to be zooming on by. SO thank you for the sweet reminder to find a bit more patience.

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  9. I completely agree with you about self esteem. My huge hope for Norah is that she will be a bit of an egomaniac. She needs it.

    When I first watched Colum's funeral video, seeing the images of the Hope Chapel really stirred something inside of me. It reminded me of my weekly visits to the perinatologist. (Norah was much easier to take care of when she was inside of my belly. I miss when she was in there because she went with me everywhere.) I remember passing Hope Chapel, and though I am not religious, it always caught my eye. I always thought about the whispered prayers, the desperate hope, and the deep grief that took place there.

    Thinking of you and your sweet babies. You're a mama of FIVE!

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  10. Glad to hear things are going well. Take it easy and let people help you ....these babies need to get to you and Ryan safe and healthy.

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  11. 3 girls, huh? Congratulations!

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  12. Kelly! I've been checking in here every day, I'm so happy to know all is well in your baby hotel :) Let me know how I can help with your move!! I'm an excellent packer. I've been hanging onto a few baby girl clothes for you but now its sounding like you either wont need any or it's going to not even make a dent in your baby clothing needs! I'm excited to hear what you have in there :) I hate yelling too, I don't think I ever yelled till I had two but now I get pushed over the edge more. I recently took a parenting class called love and logic, seriously changed so much about how I parent and I don't think I've been pushed over the edge since I started learning about it. It's also really big on building your child's self concept. I highly recommend it!! You are doing GREAT!!! I was hoping to be preggars along with you, I'm working on it but could be another 6 months till I get that far along in the process. Considering the current situation, probably better we do this thing one at a time anyway hahaha Miss you lady. Lots of Love, Heidi

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  13. We had a suburban when I was growing up and I loved it. There's a lot of room to haul stuff and you don't have to bend down as low as you do with a minivan to do up car seats.
    You should check out the Radian car seats by Diono. You might not want them for the triplets as infants because they don't come in the bucket style that you can pull out of the car but they are the only car seat I know of that can fit 3 across in most vehicles. I have 2 and a booster seat in the back of my Mazda6 wagon right now and nothing else would fit. They are made of steel so they're a bit heavy (hence they don't come out of the car) but I can't imagine you'd want to be moving your triplet's seats much anyway.
    Congratulations!

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    1. Kelly,
      I don't know if you will get this comment from me but I meant to reply to you about you buying a Suburban. I am a triplet mom & also have a toddler. We bought a 2011 Suburban with 2nd row bucket seats. We could only fit one infant car seat in the center of the 3rd row. We had tried to put two infant car seats in the third row but they did not sit correctly. We then put our toddler daughter in the third row on one side. It was difficult to get her in & out. Once they became too big for the infant car seats, we had to buy Radian car seats if we wanted to be able to turn them forward facing in the third row & have them fit in the third row. I found no other car seat that would fit! Our triplets are nearing 2 years old & we will be turning them forward facing. We will be able to put one on each side in the third row finally! We had to put the Radian car seat in the center of the third row for it to fit correctly! Our toddler daughter had quite a time to get back to the third row & my husband puts our triplet that rides in the center of the third row he puts him in from the back of the Suburban. I don't know if thus is just a problem with the newer Suburbans or what but it has been a challenge to fit them well rear facing. Late this fall we will turn them all around. We will get our center isle back & our toddler will be able to get to her seat more easily as well as us helping our triplets. We then are going to really love having a Suburban. We had to buy the suburban because we needed 4wheel drive for living in the country. I hope you have a better experience with getting your car seats to fit. I have been praying for you & your family. I am so happy you made it to 36 weeks with such healthy babies. They are so beautiful! Finn is going to be such a great big brother to his sisters. Your story has touched my life & may God be with you in raising your family. Best wishes.

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  14. I have cried so many tears of pain that it is a joy to read this post. Kelly, you need to obtain a P O Box so that you have an address you can share. I am sure that there are so many of us that want to celebrate this remarkable blessing with you. We can have a cyber baby shower. hugs and blessings to you and the family.

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  15. I have been reading your blog from after the accident and I am SOOO Happy for you and that you are blessed to be carrying 3 babies!! I know I don't personally know you but just from reading your blog I feel like I do. Anyways your blog is always something I look forward to reading and your family deserves all the happiness in the world!!!

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  16. Love reading about the wonderful, hopeful things you have in store for you! Can't wait to hear the gender of your triplets, so exciting!

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  17. I don't know if your a reader or not but I am. When the Twilight series came out I refused to read it because I simply wasn't interested in sci-fi stuff. Anyways once I did read them I couldn't put them down. (not a fan of the movies but totally besides the point) Anyways, that is how I feel about your blog. I laugh, I cry, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm happy, I'm every emotion! Most of all I'm humbled and left feeling very grateful for what I have. Everyone has their own very difficult, very traumatic, experiences to go through and you've honestly helped me to cope with some of mine. So thank you from the bottom of my heart!

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  18. I'm a mom of 5. 1 teenage daughter, a 10 year old son and GGB triplets who turn 6 next Thursday. Even the most impatient people learn patience very quickly after giving birth to higher order multiples. I used to be one of the most impatient people you'd ever meet. 6 years later, I've learned to go with the flow and enjoy the little moments for all that they are. My best advice is to go with the flow and never lose your sense of humor. Adaptability and humor are what gets HOM moms through. When toddler disaster strikes, and I can GUARANTEE it will, grab your camera. No matter what. Trust me on this. No matter how horrible, overwhelming and out of control it may seem at the time, grab that camera and take pics of it because I promise you'll look back at those photos and be amazed at it all. Feel free to friend me on FB to see all the blissful chaos almost 6 years of triplets have brought to my life. Stephanie Kessler or search by email, stephkessler84@yahoo.com. I couldn't imagine the last 6 years of this journey without the amazing women of the multiples community in my life. They've kept me sane on my craziest days. I can even point you to the best YouTube videos on life with triplets made by one of my MomsOfMultiples heroes. She is an amazing person and mother who is my parenting inspiration and got me through some of the hardest stages. I hope you friend me and look forward to getting to know you in the community. :)

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  19. I can't wait to hear the sex! As someone who was almost in your shoes (see post below) the identical twin/lonestar (I think that's how you put it) thing is so fascinating to me. Its mind-boggling when I imagine what it would have been like if one of my twin girls had an identical twin, and the dynamics of that. So very interested in watching this all happen.

    I'm glad you got the Suburban instead of the XC-90. As nice as that car is, no regular-sized SUV will have enough cargo space for you. My sister-in-law's sister had four kids really really close together, and she drove a Suburban, and they liked it. (She had a singleton, and when that one was still a very young baby, like just a few months old, she got pregnant with twins, and when the twins were still babies, she got pregnant with one more. Talk about fertile!!! And talk about a lot of gear! And boy was it noisy when they came to visit. They are all teenagers now, and a lovely, happy, thriving family.)

    Anyway, all exciting stuff. You deserve it.

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