You see, Ryan's testosterone has been crazy low since the accident. We couldn't fix that until I got pregnant, testosterone therapy will basically kill a man's sperm. And trust me when a man's testosterone is low it just isn't good.
I was growing tired of waiting for my body to work in order to fix his.
He wasn't himself. He didn't feel right. His confidence was gone. My rock, my best friend, my favorite wasn't okay. I grew very tired of watching him suffer.
Of course he was okay that I'd said yes. It was oddly refreshing because it just felt right. Everything fell into place. You do injections in your stomach now instead of huge needles in your behind. The egg retrieval was almost painless. I guess I hyper-stimulated last time because I was miserable but this time was a piece of cake. 30 eggs were retrieved and 21 fertilized. We did a day 5 embryo transfer and by day 5 there were 13 top quality embryos left. They drop like flies after they fertilize and by day 5; 13 was a very high number. They actually had a difficult time choosing the best ones to put in. 11 were frozen and 2 were put in. I asked the Dr if it was normal to have such good results and she said no, this was above and beyond average. It was just so easy this time. I was confident it was going to work. I could just feel it. I didn't even have an ounce of doubt.... and I was right.
They were put in on a Friday and I was sick by Monday. I was showing a week later. I wasn't anxious the day of the blood test 10 days post transfer because I was sick as a dog and showing.
I was very anxious and impatient for the first 7 week ultrasound to see if there were one or two babies. I had a very strong feeling there were more than two. I looked 4 months pregnant, maybe even 5. I doubted my instincts, there was only like 1/1000 chance that any of them split. The ultrasound tech confirmed there were twins and Ryan who had to work was on speaker. I was relieved and ecstatic my worst fears were laid to rest. She listened to the first baby's heartbeat and it was fine. While moving over to the second sac her eyes squinted as she pulled the screen out of my view and more directly into hers. I didn't mind as I shut my eyes so I could revel in this celebratory moment. We are going to be okay, life is good. "Kelly, there are 2 yolk sacs in this one....... Kelly..... there are 2 babies in there. It's hard to see but...." she slowly pushed the monitor into my view. I squinted my eyes and looked closer. I could barely see it but sure enough you could see 2 heartbeats beating what looked like nearly on top of each other. "We are pregnant with triplets!!!", Ryan's voice excitedly shouted over the speaker. Tears were falling from my eyes "Ryan! Don't be excited, this is so dangerous, this is not good". The ultrasound tech said she was going to go and get one of the Doctors to take a look and see if he could tell if they were in separate amniotic sacs (same gestational).
By the time he came into the room I was sobbing. I knew what this meant. I knew some of the risks involved, the dangers that lie ahead. The options we had to think about. The Doctor couldn't see anything it was too early. He took 45 min unexpectedly out of his busy schedule to explain ever so kindly how this just wasn't good. The fatality risks are very high. If they weren't in separate amniotic sacs there would be a 60% chance one would die causing all of our lives to be at risk. I kept picturing 1 lb newborn babies in the NICU... 3 of them. I imagined buying another plot in the cemetery accompanied by designing another headstone. I imagined worrying and being sad...again...about losing another child. "The earlier they split the better." I nodded my head, I understand, I understood. Another ultrasound was scheduled for 2 weeks later to see if they could see any sign of them being in separate amniotic sacs but honestly they looked conjoined to me. I walked into that clinic with joyful anticipation and I walked out frightened and in tears. But I was attached to those little critters already.
My life has been in 2 week increments ever since. Everything has been put on hold. I came home and I cried for 2 days straight and then I brushed myself off and blocked that out and went house hunting. My emotions have been all over the place, microburst storms come and go. Why did this happen? Did Colum have a hand in all this? Did he see that we wanted 3 more and so he's sending them all at once? Is it meant to be? Do I even believe in that? I'm tired of being strong, I don't want to fight the sadness. I don't have anymore room for anymore sadness. I can't handle it.
Would I be crying and freaking out if the accident hadn't ever happened to us? NO, I wouldn't. I would be brave. I'd be fine.
I couldn't blog, I couldn't write about anything else. We didn't know what we were going to do. We didn't know if my body could handle this. Fetal reduction is strongly recommended, it's not about ethics it's common sense. We strongly considered it. I had know idea how many risks identical twins held until now. How those risks wouldn't be as risky if there wasn't another baby involved. Twin to twin syndrome, their cords getting tangled together killing both of them....
there. are. so. many. risks. involved.
My 9 week ultrasound showed that they were in separate amniotic sacs but sharing the same placenta. They were just so so cute. My Doctor came in to see us. Her eyes were holding back tears. "I'm so so so sorry". It wasn't her fault. We told her we didn't blame her. We went over all the risks involved again and I was given 2 names for Doctors who preformed fetal reduction in California. "What would you do?" I asked. Tears fell from her eyes when she replied "I would do the reduction". "Would you reduce to twins or to singleton?". "It makes the most logical sense to reduce to a singleton with all the risks involved....oh, I'm so sorry". She handed me information including statistics and surveys showing how depression and anxiety of parents of triplets was very severe compared to those with twins.
I went home and cried for 2 weeks straight. I'm broken. I was doing so good until that 7 week ultrasound. The fear of burying another baby was more than I could bare. I called the Dr's in California. The one that took our insurance required a referral. I made an appointment with a high risk Obgyn at U of U Hospital, our hospital. My appointment was yesterday. First thing was the ultrasound. The babies have grown and they were kicking and squirming all over the place. They were so adorable. Everything looked fine. Their heartbeats are all fine. They are growing perfect. I know it's too early but I swear they looked like Finn and they looked like my little Dove. Next we saw the midwife and then the Ob. They were both women with kind and caring eyes. They laid out the pros and cons but basically it was just all the cons. I cried. I told them my story. I explained how I didn't want any of this. I don't want to do a fetal reduction and grieve my miracle identical twins....no more grieving. But I didn't want to deal with all these risks either. I'm terrified it will be a one way ticket into a straight jacket.
We decided to not do the fetal reduction. I think I've known deep down for awhile. I can't imagine getting on the plane to go and do that. But I am understanding to those that do. I am following my heart and slowly shutting up my head. I'm trying to ignore all of the doctor's warnings and look at it from a glass is half full perspective. I'm excited. I love them. They are mine; ours. As of last night I'm now letting myself get excited about being pregnant again since that 7 week ultrasound. I will have given birth to 5 children! 5! That's a lot. We are going to have to buy a bigger car. Our new house is only 3 bedrooms...but I'm still excited about it.
Oh, and I had the ultrasound tech humor me and try and predict the sexes. I'm only 12.5 weeks. I guess theres a Dr who's done studies at finding out the sex at 12 weeks and according to that study we have 2 identical boys and the other is a girl! Perfect. I can't wait to see what Colum has sent us.
P.S. Please be kind with your comments. I'm super emotional, like pregnant with 3 babies emotional right now. I'm taking a lot of precautions and one of them is to try and stay happy, I don't want to become upset. I'm scared, but I'm so happy. Still in shock as I am sure all of you will be. :)
P.P.S. They couldn't get a good picture of all 3 at the same time. Hopefully next time. xoxo