::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


If these walls could talk

Every inch of our house holds a story.  I know every corner so well.  Every squeaky floor board, every hole in every wall.  We have lived here almost 12 years.  Every extra red cent went into the 1600 sq ft of these walls.  Ryan cherishes every inch of the yard and holds such devotion for the garden that he designed and re-designs year after year.  

This backyard holds so many memories.  Sitting under our shade tree having a cold drink after work and fantasizing about future vacations and what our children might look like.  Pushing my babies in the infant swing that my sister Joelle gave us that hangs from my favorite tree, it's still out there hanging.  

Finn being our first child I was so paranoid and he almost never got dirty.  It sorta fits him though.  Colum being our second LOVED being outside more than anything.  Every time a door was opened he would immediately get that mischievous grin while trying to plan his escape to the wide open spaces, only to be (most of the time) turned down and whimper in disappointment.  I let him get dirty.  He'd frequently find the lawn mower in the backyard turned over on it's side and he would lift one hand off the ground and turn the wheel.  This turning of the lawnmower wheel would entertain him for a good 5 minutes before he'd start picking up small rocks and giving them a quick taste before throwing them.  Sometimes he'd find a hose that had a very small amount of water still running through it and this was I dare say his favorite.  We'd let him get sopping wet, mud running from his mouth, sticks and grass clenched tightly in his grip.  

There's a chair downstairs that he was just barely tall enough to climb up on, it would take him a while but he'd get so excited when he finally made his way on top of it.  He'd look over at us, huge grin on his proud beautiful face, looking at us eye to eye.  He'd get down just to try and get back up again.  He was doing this nightly right before he died.  Right before he died he would awaken in a foul mood from his late afternoon nap.  He would whine and cry nonstop...I'm 90% sure he was getting some big teeth in he was always teething, he probably had all of his teeth in when he died.  Nothing we did seemed to change his mood and it was difficult.  I would hide somewhere.  Ryan is good and takes the reigns with the kids when he gets home so I could breathe.  Right before Christmas Eve I remember he would suddenly stop crying.  It would get so quiet that I would crawl out of my hiding spot just to make sure everything was okay.  Colum would be in his highchair dinner in front of him, and he'd be concentrating so hard, for Ryan had given him his very own spoon/fork.  He wouldn't even look up when I walked into the kitchen because he'd be concentrating so hard.  

I love this house.  When we bought it, I thought we'd live here for 2 years maximum.  But here we are 12 years later.  We've gutted a lot of it.  Added more layers of paint to the walls.  We brought home our babies to this house.  But it's time to move on.  It's time to say goodbye to this little cottage and move closer to the big city.  Finn and Colum were the perfect distance apart in age to share a tiny room but now when we have another baby (hopefully this year fingers & toes crossed) we just don't think that will go over so well.  

Honestly, I've been fantasy house shopping for about 5-6 years.  I crave adventure and need change.  I fantasize about moving to South America and having a fish taco stand in a VW bus and home schooling my kids and surfing at sunrise.  I fantasize about living on a farm and making home made everything and selling our goods at farmer's markets.  I fantasize about living in a loft in a big city and not owning cars because we can just take a train.  I, like Colum am secretly trying to plan my escape every time a door is opened, I want to explore the wide open spaces.  

On Friday, a For Sale sign was placed in our front yard.  We are ready.  It's time.  We are moving only about 30 minutes away to Salt Lake City but I'm beyond excited.  There's a few houses I have my eye on that have a French immersion Elementary school.  So many new restaurants to try, oh how I love discovering new restaurants.  Learning a new neighborhood excites me.  

I know when we are packing up I will bawl my eyes out until they are swollen shut, but a new chapter awaits.  This house, these walls, will always have a special place in my heart.  I will miss walking out to the backyard where Colum had his many adventures & Finn caught his first baseball, but I will take those memories with me.  They are the foundation for more wonderful memories to come, and I can't wait!

Finn drinking water in our backyard shortly before Colum was born.  He would drink so much water it actually had us very worried.

Finn's first time in a swing at my parents house.  He would laugh and laugh.  My sister remembered she still had hers and gave it to me.

My bald blue eyed angel hanging out in his bouncer.

The swing hanging from our tree.  He let me put sunglasses on him.  Notice his face against the blanket, typical Colum, he loved soft things.

'I just woke up from my nap and just ate my dinner face'.  He was so grumpy it was hilarious.  I remember we were carving pumpkins as a family for the first time when this pic was taken. 


  1. I've lurked here for over a year, silently praying and cheering for you. I am so proud of you and amazed at your grace and capacity for love and healing. I don't know why I chose today to finally say something - (I'm very shy)I just wanted you to know that somewhere out there, far far from you,
    (Michigan)someone is firmly in your corner cheering your accomplishment - big and small - and remembering you daily in their thoughts and prayers. Good luck in packing Mrs. Pack, and best wishes in finding your peace and happiness - no one deserves it more. Love,

  2. Fox Hollow is out by us:-) They have french Immersion! Good Luck on your new adventure!

  3. Beautiful post! Good luck on your home search and selling your home.

  4. I saw the for sale sign. Sad you are moving, but excited for you to have new adventures!

  5. I will miss the back yard swing so much Kel! Sittin for hours while the boys played. Your new house must, MUST have a great back yard.

  6. I am excited for you. Thanks for showing me that it's possible. xo

  7. Moving will be a big adventure for you and your family but it sounds like it will be a good change. There are many new memories to make but it certainly does not mean the old memories and the cherished loving memories of your Colum will go away or be forgotten. We lived in our very first home for 12 years too. We lived in the "country" and had a horse, a cow, and lastly sheep (not all at the same time, thank heaven!!). We moved to our current home just as my son was about to go into kindergarten. He does not remember much about our old house. The house we live in now and have for many, many years holds most of our memories....some are so dear and precious because of my husband, who passed away 4 years ago. But now my son, his wife, and their cute little almost 3-year old son live with me. What wonderful memories we will have of all of us living in that little home, where my son grew up. Good luck with the house hunting/buying. I hope you find a new place that will become "home" quickly and be a place you will love with a big back yard with a swing!!

  8. I look forward to hearing of your further adventures and move! Exciting :)

  9. I'm sooooooo excited you are moving to Salt Lake. You will like it up this way. You will be closer to our family. YEY!!!! K'Lynn is an AWESOME BABYSITTER!!! And.....bonus, it's a major seller's market, so I bet you will sell your house FAST!!!!! So excited for you guys. :)

  10. Having only lived in two houses in my 53 years (3 if you count the one we moved from when I was less than a year old) I am almost jealous at your news! 'Knowing' you for over a year now I know you will 'bloom where you are planted.' I'm looking forward to hearing about what you find out there and your new adventures.

  11. Wow, this is HUGE for you three! Moving always seems bittersweet. Exciting for the new phase, yet you know you'll miss what was. I hope everything goes swimmingly and that you find a wonderful new place :)

  12. Good luck on the sale of your home and the relocation. After living in SLC for 40 years, we relocated to Denver 6 years ago, and I know what the whole process entails. Exciting and scary at the same time.
    I was wondering how your running is going?!? I was out for a run this morning and felt surprisingly great near the end of my 5th mile. For some reason you popped into my head and I couldn't help but wonder if you are having any luck increasing your distance? I hope so. I know how much you enjoyed it and have missed it. I'm crossing my fingers that you are having some success at it.
    Hugs from Colorado!

  13. Sweet Kelly, you don't know me, but I feel like I know you. Kinda. I have been following your blog all year and am amazed by your strength and your love for your boys. So, I was at Target with my husband and baby a few weeks ago and as we turned the corner we almost bumped into a guy who looked very familiar to me. (I am a nurse at American Fork hospital so I'm always seeing men who look familiar cause they are dads I've met when they had their new baby) so I sort of quickly assumed that's where I knew him from. Then I saw him, the little man running behind his dad, and my heart swelled, and in my head I said his name, "Finn." And I just want you to know, I'm not some crazy lady, but I wanted to hug your little boy and high five your husband that day in Target, cause I've been able to glimpse into their goodness through your blog. Just know you've touched people's hearts, and your cyberspace community loves your family :)
    Take care,

  14. I can't wait for you to be closer to me - we'll have to hang. I'm so excited what this next year holds for you guys. Really, I'm excited for what the entire future brings. I'm crossing my fingers and toes for you, too. Love you! xo

  15. I will miss having you close by! I do understand the need to move on though. Hopefully we're not far behind you in taking our leave of happy valley. I hope you find the perfect place. I'm excited for you!!

  16. I'm so happy for you Kelly! It's going to be a great year for you...you will be missed down here in the valley that is for sure! LUV ya! Cami

  17. This new adventure will be nice! I hope you all find a great new home and start new memories!!! I still love reading you blogs.