Everyone handles tragedy, stress, and disappointments differently. Some people handle things with grace and maturity, while others become the martyr or the victim. No matter how bad you have it, there is always somebody who has it much worse. Whenever I start to feel sad I think of people I've heard of on the news who lost all of the children, &/or who had to be wheelchair bound after a tragic accident. I think of people in refugee camps. I think of women who's husband and children were slaughtered in front of them and how they must go on living. I'm reminded that I don't really have it that bad, it could be worse, it could always be worse.
I've connected via the world wide web with other mothers who are mourning the loss of their children. We are all in the same horrible club. We are all facing everyday with as much courage and strength as we can muster and have cried more tears than any mother should. We all grieve different. Different things help us. Some things that have helped me, I've read have directly offended other moms. I wouldn't mind one bit if I were to give birth to a clone of Colum tomorrow, where there are other grieving moms who would feel that's replacing him and don't want that at all. There are so many different ways of coping with this but in the end; we are all going through the same thing. We understand each other. Some of us look more put together than others but I'm sure if you looked closely at all of our hearts they'd all be broken equally.
Most mothers I've met or those I now know through their blogs have handled it with such dignity and courage. They are sad but they know they must go on, finding a life beyond their tragedy, leaving their Colum behind because you know he wouldn't want his Mom to live her life in sadness. It's a hard fight that must be won. Of course you can be sad and have days where you can't get out of bed because you can't stop crying. I've been crying often whenever I see a baby on tv, any baby, it breaks my heart all over again. I want one. My arms ache for mine.
As I was watching American Idol tryouts last week I couldn't believe the difference in ways people react. Some people act like it's the end of the world that they didn't get chosen to go to Vegas. In some strange way this is their tragedy. I'm sure there have been a handful of times (or more) that I've acted like that. Some people hold it together but you can see the anger brewing inside of them for when the cameras leave. Some people stay positive and are just always happy. Some people break down crying and can barely get any words out. All these initial reactions are normal. But I think if they are still reacting upset or angry a year or two later and haven't moved on then we might have a problem.
I've learned it doesn't matter how hard I pound my fists on the steering wheel or how long and hard I cry, it won't bring him back. If there was a way I could buy him back and all I had to do was come up with $100 million, I'd find a way. I gave myself one year. For one year I cried, kicked, and screamed. I moped around and felt depressed. But, after that year I told myself I had to scrape myself up and get it together...and it worked. I'm off of the Prozac for now and I am finding myself crying a little more but I've got it under control; I'm happy.
The site is ready for the 5k, just waiting for some kinks to get worked out for registration. I will let you know when it's available. I'M SO EXCITED!