::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

2.18.2013

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Everyone handles tragedy, stress, and disappointments differently.  Some people handle things with grace and maturity, while others become the martyr or the victim.  No matter how bad you have it, there is always somebody who has it much worse.  Whenever I start to feel sad I think of people I've heard of on the news who lost all of the children, &/or who had to be wheelchair bound after a tragic accident.  I think of people in refugee camps.  I think of women who's husband and children were slaughtered in front of them and how they must go on living.  I'm reminded that I don't really have it that bad, it could be worse, it could always be worse.  

I've connected via the world wide web with other mothers who are mourning the loss of their children.  We are all in the same horrible club.  We are all facing everyday with as much courage and strength as we can muster and have cried more tears than any mother should.  We all grieve different.  Different things help us.  Some things that have helped me, I've read have directly offended other moms.  I wouldn't mind one bit if I were to give birth to a clone of Colum tomorrow, where there are other grieving moms who would feel that's replacing him and don't want that at all.  There are so many different ways of coping with this but in the end; we are all going through the same thing.  We understand each other.  Some of us look more put together than others but I'm sure if you looked closely at all of our hearts they'd all be broken equally.  

Most mothers I've met or those I now know through their blogs have handled it with such dignity and courage.  They are sad but they know they must go on, finding a life beyond their tragedy, leaving their Colum behind because you know he wouldn't want his Mom to live her life in sadness.  It's a hard fight that must be won.  Of course you can be sad and have days where you can't get out of bed because you can't stop crying.  I've been crying often whenever I see a baby on tv, any baby, it breaks my heart all over again.  I want one.  My arms ache for mine.  

As I was watching American Idol tryouts last week I couldn't believe the difference in ways people react.  Some people act like it's the end of the world that they didn't get chosen to go to Vegas.  In some strange way this is their tragedy.  I'm sure there have been a handful of times (or more) that I've acted like that.  Some people hold it together but you can see the anger brewing inside of them for when the cameras leave.  Some people stay positive and are just always happy.  Some people break down crying and can barely get any words out.  All these initial reactions are normal.  But I think if they are still reacting upset or angry a year or two later and haven't moved on then we might have a problem.  

I've learned it doesn't matter how hard I pound my fists on the steering wheel or how long and hard I cry, it won't bring him back.  If there was a way I could buy him back and all I had to do was come up with $100 million, I'd find a way.  I gave myself one year.  For one year I cried, kicked, and screamed.  I moped around and felt depressed.  But, after that year I told myself I had to scrape myself up and get it together...and it worked.  I'm off of the Prozac for now and I am finding myself crying a little more but I've got it under control; I'm happy.  

The site is ready for the 5k, just waiting for some kinks to get worked out for registration.  I will let you know when it's available.  I'M SO EXCITED!

13 comments:

  1. You are amazing!

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  2. So happy that you are happy. Can't wait for the 5K!

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  3. Very happy for you :) LOVE the website page. Can't wait to register to run (even if it will be here in PA instead of there).

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  4. Keep plugging along, Kelly. I'm really happy for you.

    Chris

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  5. You are such a strong Amazing Lady Kelly! I learn from you everyday, and I also pray for you everyday. Both Finn and Colum are so lucky to have you as their mother, always remember that. ((HUGS))

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  6. Can't wait for the 5K!!!!!

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  7. Oh, lady, that is so awesome! I am so happy for you. I have been following your blog since your accident and can not tell you how much joy it brings me to hear you feeling so positive. Writing about laughing again, feeling happy. I know you still have hard days and that's ok, too. Just know that there are so many of us who are pulling for you, praying for you and love you even though we've never met you.

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  8. I agree with the others....you are simply amazing. Grief to me is like a river.....a raging torrent crashing down the mountain taking trees, boulders, rocks, debris with it. Then suddenly it is a gentle babbling brook, quiet, peaceful, tranquil. You are so right. Grief is different for all of us. I'm so glad you have made it to a place where you are happy. That is a huge accomplishment. The first year had to be all about you because you needed time to heal. I pray that the healing will continue. I have a feeling you will do amazing things with your life, all because of a beautiful boy named Colum.

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  9. Good for you, Kelly. I've never experienced a loss like yours but what I'm hearing from you sounds so healthy. I pray that God will bless you with another baby, even though it will never take Colum's place. You deserve it.

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  10. It is okay to feel grief how you need to feel it.

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  11. Good for you Kelly for giving yourself time to grieve. I also think it's great that you have recognized that people grieve differently and that that's okay. Also, I like the point you make about people having "different tragedies." I really believe that. For some people it might be not making American Idol that rattles their world, and they feel really heart broken. But hopefully we all can get through our difficult moments and find ways to be happy again :)

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  12. This is a great post! Wonderful words!

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