::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Page 16

Page 16.  That's as far as I've gotten in writing the book.  I think about it everyday.  I make notes of things I remember and want to add everyday.  


Every night I tell myself Okay, tomorrow you are gonna buckle down and type.  But I never follow through.  I'm putting off revisiting that sad sad miserable place.  Page 16 is where things start to get sad in my story.  It's where we learn that Colum isn't gonna make it.  It's where my heart gets broken.  It's just the beginning.


...I'm a little scared.  But I have to finish what I've started!

I've skipped the entire beginning.  I'm still debating where I want to go and how to make it all flow.  Wish me luck!

And, I just had a HUGE ah-hah moment tonight.  As you know, Ryan and I had extensive injuries and with those injuries came hospitals and Dr's and drugs.  While our bodies have been healing we've been taking narcotics.  It wasn't a choice we got to make.  We woke up with morphine pumps and Dilaudid seeping into our veins.  I didn't fight it, in fact it wasn't a high enough dose & I was in excruciating pain until I was there for 4 weeks.  I've never been free to write about the drugs, they are taboo and it's not safe to announce Hey ya'll I've got pills in my house.  They often are accompanied by labels and stereotypes and it's not something we freely have talked about because of that.  I have a memory of telling my Mom Oh great, now I'm going to be addicted to pain pills from all of this.  But in my memory I was sitting up in my hospital bed and she was standing at the foot of my bed.  I couldn't sit up!  So I don't know if this was a dream or if I was so drugged that I believed I was sitting up, but I remember this being a legitimate concern since the beginning.  

Anyhoo, so I've suddenly felt better and better over the past few months.  But I just figured out why.  It wasn't just because I've reached a magical part in my grief where I'm never going to be sad again.  The Prozac helped but that wasn't really it either.  It's because we've weened ourselves off the hard stuff.  The narcotics, the pain meds, the long acting....  They bring you down farther than you ever could dream.  The drugs that are supposed to take away your physical pain can cause you a lot more emotional pain.  

I HAD NO IDEA...until right now.

I've been terrified about becoming addicted to drugs.  I know addiction is a serious thing and it scares me.  I'm nowhere near perfect.  I have skeletons in my closet.  But it's been incredible because by some miracle I haven't felt a mind change or high from taking these meds.  Weening was uncomfortable but it wasn't very hard for me.  I know very well that some people have to take these in order to be somewhat comfortable.  I hope I'm not offending anybody.  And I'm not saying everybody that takes these medications is depressed either.  I'm just really happy that I was able to get off of them and flush them down the toilet!  


A friend (thanks Susan) a few months back told us to try Arnica.  It's a big reason why I was able to ween off those medications.  This one and this one are my favorites.  It's homeopathic and has no side effects.  It does miracles for my knees.  I apply it to my knees up to 3x's daily and I'm not kidding it gives me instant relief.  For a long time I suffered from the most annoying pain in my left shin (it might be from nerve damage) and nothing I mean nothing would take it away except arnica.  It's good for arthritis, after you work out, joint pain etc.  If you are suffering it's worth trying it.  I'm not even getting paid to say this :) but I should be.


  1. So glad to hear your good news! - My husband and I both have bad knees (he has no cartilage left and no time for a double knee replacement) so I am very interested to look into your homeopathic treatments - thanks for sharing! Your book will come together in bits and pieces, painful though it will be - be strong! Gail

  2. That is amazing! I too am interested in hearing about Arnic. My husband also has little to no cartilage in one knee and is in need of a knee replace, however, we are waiting as long as we can since he is not yet thirty. He complains a lot in the winter because the bones grind and the cold weather increases his arthritis pain. I believe your determination and mindset helped is ultimately what helped you wean off and become free. I have seen firsthand what addiction can do to a family and no one starts taking medication in hopes of becoming an addict. It is a sad and scary road. You said it best when you said it may relieve physical pain, but in can acutally make emotional pain worse. I am so happy for you. Way to go.

  3. Kelly!!! I am practically jumping for joy right now. I never thought about the connection between the narcotics you needed to take, and how it may affect your emotional state -- but it totally makes sense, and I am so happy and proud of you for weaning yourself off those meds... And to know that Arnica helped you do it -- wow! I know what you mean about how you should be paid to say those things...I feel like a freaking sales lady every time I tell people about Arnica! It is seriously miraculous! Good for you; you are constantly facing challenges and conquering them. You are a STRONG lady! Sending you LOVE!

  4. That's makes a lot of sense about the pain meds. So happy you guys were able to get off of them! I need to look into the Arnica... My hubby has some nerve damage in his back and I think I have some in my hip. If you need help with Colum's 5K, let me know.

  5. I am so happy to hear and see that you are finding your way down a difficult path. Drugs can be very depressing and when you are hurting and depressed already it makes for a miserable mess. Be blessed and thanks for sharing. Arnica will be my very next Google.

  6. I believe when you write from your heart, it takes a while. Just let it flow when it and you are ready.

  7. I've been following your blog for a while now. I'm sure you probably haven't heard of Zeal. It's still fairly new only been around for 2 years. It is amazing! All the ingredients are good for your body. It's got all the vitamins, nutrients, and antioxidants that your body needs on a daily basis in one serving. The reason I was telling you about it is because a friend of a friend was in a car wreck and was taking pain meds until she started drinking zeal. Now she no longer has pain. There are so many amazing testimonies on this product on their fb page. facebook.com/zealforlife If you are ever interested about hearing more about the product or want samples you can email me stephaneywhitson@gmail.com

  8. Also I live in Texas so I plan on being at the iheartcolum5k in spirit by purchasing a t-shirt! :)

  9. CONGRATS on getting off the pain meds :) Not that taking pain meds when necessary a bad thing at ALL but to hear getting off of them and your mood improving such great news. You and your husband have come so far. Hugs to you all.

  10. Addiction is a very scary thing! It runs like wildfire in my family and in my husbands! I fear for our children. I am very open and honest with them about drugs and alcohol, about its long term effects, but it is ultimately up to them. My father is an alcoholic, my brother died from cirrhosis, my hubbies sister is in the ICU right now from a pill overdose, his nephew is in prison for drugs. Ugh, it is frightening. I am so glad that you were able to get off of the narcotics without too much trouble. They (rx pills) are worse right now than the hard stuff like cocaine, meth... In my opinion. People get addicted so easy that they really don't even realize they are. Then it is too late. :-( We have lost a few close friends to accidental overdoses. It is heartbreaking. You are so strong and inspiring! I look forward to your posts and keeping up with your recovery. That and playing you on Song Pop!! ;-) You are amazing! Thank you for sharing your life with us!

  11. I'll bet it feels great to get out of that fog! I've been using arnica at your recommendation and love it. Hope the writing is going well! Xo

  12. While on pain meds, did you ever get behind the wheel of a car?

    1. Yes. If you take pain meds for immediate pain after a surgery you should not drive. Also, if you take more than you are prescribed than you should not drive. The drowsy side effects wear off after 2+ weeks and pharmacists give you the okay to drive. People with spinal injuries have to take pain meds for their entire lifetime.