::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

1.13.2013

Spring

I apologize for the lack of posts lately.  There's a lot going on around here.  But today, I admit there's been a whole lot of nothing going on...I LOVE when there's nothing going on.  I love lazy Sundays and staying in my pajamas all day.  It's cold outside and we plan on lighting a fire in the basement and watching movies starting in a couple of hours.

Everyday feels better.  I feel better.  I've been so scared about feeling sad for the rest of my life.  Living each day broken hearted as my dark cloud follows me wherever I go.  But, I'm happy!  I'm okay.  I'm absolutely dumbfounded when I think about where I was just one year ago and how far I/we've come.  The darkness that surrounded me from all the gloominess of grief and mourning has suddenly diminished.  My grieving process is changing seasons.  Spring is here.  The ice is melting and new flowers are blooming.   I now can appreciate the beauty in the little things for I have survived the longest and coldest winter of my life.  The path ahead of me is beautiful and I know where I'm going now.  

I didn't expect this to ever happen.  But, I'm so happy it did.  The worst and most horrible life experiences can turn into the most beautiful; if you listen to your heart.  I still have bad days, and moments where the sadness takes over me.  But there's a difference now, the future doesn't feel hopeless. 

 I'm hopeful.  I'm a survivor.  I'm okay.

I don't compromise my heart.  This horrible experience has taught me to respect myself and know my worth.  I'm still learning how, but I've found that protecting myself and following my intuition is key for my happiness.  When I'm not protecting myself, I'm betraying myself.  I don't have tolerance for betrayal.  It's not about bitterness or hate; it's about being healthy.  It's about trusting yourself because you know who you are.  I survived this year, and I am only going to be stronger.  

Thank you all for reading and all of your kind comments over this past year.  I hope you all are finding yourselves in a good place surrounded by people you love.  You have taught me so much and I thank you!

P.S. We will find out in a few days the exact date of the 'I heart Colum 5k'.  Colum's Birthday happens to land on a Saturday this year (6/29) & we are shooting for that date.  I will be announcing more details later this week.  I'm so so excited about this!  We will be needing lots of volunteers and I hope every one who's local can come.  It's so nice to be excited about his Birthday and actually be looking forward to it.  I hope it is HUGE!  
I HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!!!


17 comments:

  1. Kelly, I'm so happy you're doing better! I haven't lost a child, I don't know how that feels. I started following your blog after the accident. I've been impressed by your strength this past year. Even though I can't relate to your pain you've taught me a number of things. You've taught me to hold my kids a little closer. You've taught to be grateful for my health. Most importantly, you've taught me that I can never love too much or say " I love you" too many times! Thanks

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  2. I want to help with colum's 5k! I went to karve on Sat. and she killed my thighs.

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  3. I'm so glad you are feeling hopeful again! I wanted you to know I stole your quote and posted it on my Facebook because it so resonated with me! (I did give you credit!) "I'm still learning how, but I've found that protecting myself and following my intuition is key for my happiness. When I'm not protecting myself, I'm betraying myself. I don't have tolerance for betrayal. It's not about bitterness or hate; it's about being healthy." Keep writing, and we will keep reading!

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  4. I've had some tough times these past 5 years and I've decided that this year I'm going to "Choose Joy". Already my attitude is better, the tear still come but I can then look for all the good, instead of the gloom, depression and sadness. I'm so glad you are following your heart, looking out for you and starting to see the sun.

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  5. Kelly it was so good to read your post today. I'm so glad that you are happy. What a wonderful thing to feel happy.

    ..."I didn't expect this to ever happen. But, I'm so happy it did. The worst and most horrible life experiences can turn into the most beautiful; if you listen to your heart. I still have bad days, and moments where the sadness takes over me. But there's a difference now, the future doesn't feel hopeless."

    This same idea has been on my mind a lot during this last week. I don't think we would ever pick or choose the difficult moments that bring us the most growth. They're too painful. But experiencing them is an opportunity for deep, personal growth. And, really, what would life be without growth? I would normally say that I welcome opportunities for growth, but sometimes there is a lot of hurt that is involved and I think time is a healer in a lot of these situations. These moments are the ones that I would not normally welcome and I would probably never choose these moments for myself. Even though these experiences are the most difficult, they are the catalyst to learn the deep life lessons that will make us better. Perspective plays such a key role during the difficult times. I've been going through some hard things lately and keeping the thoughts above in mind has helped me a lot. It has helped me to feel more hopeful. Having hope when going through hard times makes the difficult situations feel manageable and like you CAN get through it. It's such a huge difference to have hope.

    Thanks so much for sharing this post Kelly.

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  6. So happy to read when you can allow yourself to feel the joy you had WITH Colum. I like to think he is still with you. I hope he is.

    I have been reading all along. I live in PA, but would love to run for Colum. Any chance there will be shirts we could maybe get mailed out if we purchase them...meaning, register there...run here? If so I will wear it and proudly run 5k on his birthday. It is the least I can do for the little boy who made me love my kids better. And for his Mama who is teaching me how.

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  8. I've been following your blog since the accident, and I just wanted to tell you that you're amazing Kelly. You deserve to be happy and I'm so happy to hear that you're feeling that way more. I wish the very best for you and your sweet family!

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  9. I'm glad Spring has sprung and you can see life in a more beautiful way. It is so hard....I too have never lost a child...but losing my wonderful husband and both parents in 7 months really made me wonder if I could ever really be happy again. But I am and I made it. I'm glad you are not letting the accident define who you are or who you want to become. You are still you...you are still Colum's mommy and still Finn's mommy. No one can take that role away from you ever. You are a wife, a daughter, a friend and a survivor. The best way to show that no one can take your life away is to be happy and healthy so good on ya!! I'm looking forward to the 5K. I am a grandma so I may have to walk every step but I'll do my best. :)

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  10. I can't wait to support you in the 5K this summer.
    My heart felt happy this morning when I read of the newfound joy you have been feeling. Just so touched by all your words. The best is yet to come!


    YOU REALLY ARE AN AMAZING PERSON!!

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  11. That was beautiful. I am happy to hear Springtime is the season of your heart.

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  12. So inspiring to read. Hugs to you all.

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  13. I think of you often. We have a mutual friend in Katie lark hoffman. I was watching the news last year and my heart broke for your family. I've "stalked" you on IG and have appreciated your honesty about your feelings and how your darling family is coping/grieving/laughing/growing/remembering. Spring flowers sure are the prettiest. (And we have a finn too)

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  14. I've been following your posts from the very beginning and I can't begin to explain the impact your words/thoughts have had on me. You are one of the most amazing, strong and beautiful woman I know (well, I don't really know you, but I feel like I do). Thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts, your fears, your joy, your love with all of us. You have taught me so much... That life is precious and to never take it for granted, to never hold back, to be honest and true to yourself, to love unconditionally, to find joy and happiness in the little things in life, to be patient, to be kind... the list goes on and on. Thank you for your example and for touching the loves of each and every one of us that have been blessed by you. May God be with you and your beautiful family. I don't live in Utah, but I would love to run my own 5k in honor of your sweet Column. Please let us know if there will be t-shirts we can purchase. :) Lots of love!

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  15. I wish there was a "LIKE" button on here!!!! That's exciting news Kelly! Each day will continue to get better and you'll never forget your little Dove. I'm excited about the 5K and helping out Nora! This is what you guys wanted to do and your making it happen. If you need any help with anything, PLS text or call me and I'll be there.

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  16. So awesome to hear you're feeling well! Wish I could be at Colum's run!

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  17. Oh how this post has me smiling! I am so happy to hear that you are feeling this way! I of course have not experienced the loss that you have, but after "surviving" the first year after losing my brother, I too felt "better". They say the first year is the hardest. The first holiday, the first birthday, the first everything of them not being here. It is so true. I can finally think of my brother and smile, instead of feeling like puking. Instead of remembering his last breath (that only I witnessed, alone) them calling the code blue and the rush of people running in, and the sound of my sweet mama falling to her knees without saying a word. Now I can think of all the funny things about my brother, he was freaking hysterical!!! By far the funniest person I ever knew. I miss him so much everyday, but it isn't a constant ache like it was.
    I am so thankful that God has answered all of our prayers for you Kelly. You deserve so much happiness <3

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