After we got back from Florida we were exhausted. But on the plane ride home I asked Ryan if he could remember last year's New Year. I can vaguely remember him telling me that he thinks it's the New Year because he just heard a Nurse in the hallway say Happy New Year. I'm pretty sure I was in & out a lot. I preferred being out because the pain was so excruciating. I had no idea it was New Years & vaguely remember not caring at all that it was, and wondering what we would have done to celebrate...if?
So, this year last minute we decided to pull some friends together and just laugh (and dance to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Pandora station in my kitchen(two thumbs up)). Ryan lit off his thunder mug twice to ring in the New Year. Don't get me started on the thunder mug, I guess it's a guy thing. If you'd like to see what a thunder mug does please click here. (Ryan, is all pissed cause this video made me laugh cause it's a little stupid and I'm like peeing my pants).
Florida was fun...but it was freezing! I packed all my swimsuit cover-ups and beach wear a week before when the weather called for sunshine and 75-85 degrees. Good thing I wore my North Face to the airport, cause that's what I wore for more than half the trip...what I wore to the airport. We went to Universal because I'm a diehard Harry Potter Nerd, and Universal was big enough for a couple handi-capable parents to handle. I bought Finn (cough myself) all the Harry Potter movies at Costco for Christmas and he watched the entire first one and didn't move once, which is a really good sign that he's mine. I like almost cried when we went to Harry Potter Wizarding Land and really wanted but couldn't bring myself to buy a $110 wizarding robe and an overpriced Gryfinndor (sp?) scarf. And I would've worn it that day around the park, like a few other fellow wizards. And I would wear it to the grocery store and to pick up Finn from preschool and laugh to myself secretly but try so hard to act serious, but in a way I'm totally seriously Hermione. But they had the cutest candy store and I loved the Hogwarts castle etc. Finn's favorite ride was Despicable Me and I'm so glad he was tall enough, he wasn't in October at Disneyland, I think it's all about the shoes ;).
There's a lot and I mean a lot of big things going on this month! One big thing I can say out loud is that the trial is scheduled, but I guess we find out tomorrow if it's a definite go, and if it is a go then other things (like plea bargains) could happen. I've had a lot of emotions hit me over the last few days that I didn't expect to get about the trial.
I'm scared. I'm already disappointed. I'm sad. I'm anxious.
These feeling are normal. But I've been in
street fighter karate Wonder Woman mode up until now. And I'm sad and scared to be away from Finn so much. I'm overwhelmed with emotions for what's ahead. Good news is I can ride the Frontrunner to the Hospital now so I don't have to drive! I took Finn yesterday and he got a huge kick out of it and he's free! I cried the whole ride home on that train yesterday. I'm scared. I'm scared about this month. I'm scared about the amount of pain my body is in. I'm okay with being in pain for a little longer, but what about the next 5 years...10? I'm scared about having physical limits. I'm scared about being stressed out and angry in the upcoming weeks.
The other day I turned on the t.v. and to my pleasant surprise Sleepless in Seattle was on. When Tom Hanks explains to the radio 'Dr Marsha Fieldstone' about how he copes with losing his wife I love what he says: "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. "
Below are some pics in no particular order, actually totally out of order:
|Watching Harry Potter 2 with all our wands, even Colum's. It's probably a little too scary for Finn but the wands helped with that I think.|
|Finn & I right before we were turned into little Minnions on the Despicable Me ride.|
|"Happy Birthday Mommy"|
|Spiderman for life.|
|...just Diagon Alley, holding on tight to my Butter Beer mug|
|Finn was talking about getting his wand before we even got on the plane. And yes, Harry Potter's wand chose him!|
|We went on an airboat tour. It was totally bitchin'.|
|Really awesome shot of Finn & I on the airboat tour.|
|There was a sign "$3 to hold an alligater", but Finn's face takes the cake!|
|I mean, check out the skyline in Harry Potter Land... swoon.|
|Butter Beer. Non-alcoholic of course. I thought it was really gross, but I had to drink it because that's what wizards do. And the foam on top is like straight cream, the bubbles don't move, it's pretty amazing!|
|This gator was like 14 feet long... Bubba, Hello Bubba!|
|The airboat tour was such a hit. That thing that looks like a log is the only gator we saw, but it was so beautiful. There were also houses along the river that were so cool to see. Like swamp people are cool but I'd feel the gators were a little close for comfort.|
Thank you for all the well wishes and support on the whole book idea!!!
Several months ago a kind and thoughtful blog reader sent me a book called 'Navigating your Mind'. by Kristopher L. Walton. This book had helped her out with something a great deal and she thoughtfully spent the money and took the time to send it to me. At first I didn't pick it up. I can't go into detail but I used to love to read but it's too overwhelming now. But she bookmarked a place in the book that was about halfway through that she thought would help and as I began to read it made a lot of sense. But then on page 232 there's a section that was just so profound to me where he asks;
"What chair will you choose?
When confronted with a problem, whether it's in the present or a problem from your past, you have a choice how you decide to look at it. A good analogy to use is to look at the problem as a chair. Just as Goldilocks had the option to sit in the big, medium, or little chair and finally chose the chair that felt "just right,", you can do the same in your situation. You can choose to react to it by choosing the emotional chair, the logical/rational chair, or the creative chair."
This makes perfect sense to me. I've been sitting in all three chairs throughout our tragedy. But every time I type, every time I write, I'm sitting in my creative chair. I think all 3 chairs are very significant but the creative chair is a positive way of reacting to your pain. He explains being creative can be painting, playing an instrument, starting a new business, going back to school, etc. Redirecting your pain instead of reacting emotional. I want to write everyday. I set a goal to start this month and I'm going to try really hard. I cry when I write, but it's saved me. I might need to lower my goal to a few hours a week because I think an hour a day is too much right now.
Cheers to a New Year everyone!