::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


New Year

Happy New Year!  We rang in the new year with some good friends and it was wonderful.  

After we got back from Florida we were exhausted.  But on the plane ride home I asked Ryan if he could remember last year's New Year.  I can vaguely remember him telling me that he thinks it's the New Year because he just heard a Nurse in the hallway say Happy New Year.  I'm pretty sure I was in & out a lot.  I preferred being out because the pain was so excruciating.  I had no idea it was New Years & vaguely remember not caring at all that it was, and wondering what we would have done to celebrate...if?

So, this year last minute we decided to pull some friends together and just laugh (and dance to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch Pandora station in my kitchen(two thumbs up)). Ryan lit off his thunder mug twice to ring in the New Year.  Don't get me started on the thunder mug, I guess it's a guy thing.  If you'd like to see what a thunder mug does please click here.  (Ryan, is all pissed cause this video made me laugh cause it's a little stupid and I'm like peeing my pants).

Florida was fun...but it was freezing!  I packed all my swimsuit cover-ups and beach wear a week before when the weather called for sunshine and 75-85 degrees.  Good thing I wore my North Face to the airport, cause that's what I wore for more than half the trip...what I wore to the airport.  We went to Universal because I'm a diehard Harry Potter Nerd, and Universal was big enough for a couple handi-capable parents to handle.  I bought Finn (cough myself) all the Harry Potter movies at Costco for Christmas and he watched the entire first one and didn't move once, which is a really good sign that he's mine.  I like almost cried when we went to Harry Potter Wizarding Land and really wanted but couldn't bring myself to buy a $110 wizarding robe and an overpriced Gryfinndor (sp?) scarf.  And I would've worn it that day around the park, like a few other fellow wizards.  And I would wear it to the grocery store and to pick up Finn from preschool and laugh to myself secretly but try so hard to act serious, but in a way I'm totally seriously Hermione.  But they had the cutest candy store and I loved the Hogwarts castle etc.  Finn's favorite ride was Despicable Me and I'm so glad he was tall enough, he wasn't in October at Disneyland, I think it's all about the shoes ;).

There's a lot and I mean a lot of big things going on this month!  One big thing I can say out loud is that the trial is scheduled, but I guess we find out tomorrow if it's a definite go, and if it is a go then other things (like plea bargains) could happen.  I've had a lot of emotions hit me over the last few days that I didn't expect to get about the trial.  

I'm scared.  I'm already disappointed.  I'm sad.  I'm anxious.  

These feeling are normal.  But I've been in street fighter karate Wonder Woman mode up until now.  And I'm sad and scared to be away from Finn so much.  I'm overwhelmed with emotions for what's ahead.  Good news is I can ride the Frontrunner to the Hospital now so I don't have to drive!  I took Finn yesterday and he got a huge kick out of it and he's free!  I cried the whole ride home on that train yesterday.  I'm scared.  I'm scared about this month.  I'm scared about the amount of pain my body is in.  I'm okay with being in pain for a little longer, but what about the next 5 years...10?  I'm scared about having physical limits.  I'm scared about being stressed out and angry in the upcoming weeks.

The other day I turned on the t.v. and to my pleasant surprise Sleepless in Seattle was on.  When Tom Hanks explains to the radio 'Dr Marsha Fieldstone' about how he copes with losing his wife I love what he says:   "Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. "

Below are some pics in no particular order, actually totally out of order:

Watching Harry Potter 2 with all our wands, even Colum's.  It's probably a little too scary for Finn but the wands helped with that I think.

Finn & I right before we were turned into little Minnions on the Despicable Me ride.

"Happy Birthday Mommy"

Spiderman for life.

Hogwarts express

...just Diagon Alley, holding on tight to my Butter Beer mug

Finn was talking about getting his wand before we even got on the plane.  And yes, Harry Potter's wand chose him!

We went on an airboat tour.  It was totally bitchin'.

Really awesome shot of Finn & I on the airboat tour.

There was a sign "$3 to hold an alligater", but Finn's face takes the cake!

I mean, check out the skyline in Harry Potter Land... swoon.

Butter Beer.  Non-alcoholic of course.  I thought it was really gross, but I had to drink it because that's what wizards do.  And the foam on top is like straight cream, the bubbles don't move, it's pretty amazing!

This gator was like 14 feet long... Bubba, Hello Bubba!

The airboat tour was such a hit.  That thing that looks like a log is the only gator we saw, but it was so beautiful.  There were also houses along the river that were so cool to see.  Like swamp people are cool but I'd feel the gators were a little close for comfort.

Thank you for all the well wishes and support on the whole book idea!!!

Several months ago a kind and thoughtful blog reader sent me a book called 'Navigating your Mind'.  by Kristopher L. Walton.  This book had helped her out with something a great deal and she thoughtfully spent the money and took the time to send it to me.  At first I didn't pick it up.  I can't go into detail but I used to love to read but it's too overwhelming now.  But she bookmarked a place in the book that was about halfway through that she thought would help and as I began to read it made a lot of sense.  But then on page 232 there's a section that was just so profound to me where he asks; 

"What chair will you choose?
When confronted with a problem, whether it's in the present or a problem from your past, you have a choice how you decide to look at it.  A good analogy to use is to look at the problem as a chair.  Just as Goldilocks had the option to sit in the big, medium, or little chair and finally chose the chair that felt "just right,", you can do the same in your situation.  You can choose to react to it by choosing the emotional chair, the logical/rational chair, or the creative chair."

This makes perfect sense to me.  I've been sitting in all three chairs throughout our tragedy.  But every time I type, every time I write, I'm sitting in my creative chair.  I think all 3 chairs are very significant but the creative chair is a positive way of reacting to your pain.  He explains being creative can be painting, playing an instrument, starting a new business, going back to school, etc.  Redirecting your pain instead of reacting emotional. I want to write everyday.  I set a goal to start this month and I'm going to try really hard.  I cry when I write, but it's saved me.  I might need to lower my goal to a few hours a week because I think an hour a day is too much right now.  

Cheers to a New Year everyone!  



  1. I understand not being able to read much, that it was too overwhelming. That's just how I was after my husband died.

    I wish I had written a book back then because now 16 years later I can't remember a lot of what I went through. Not specific details I mean. So i hope you are able to keep writing. You have such a talent for putting your heart into words. You're an excellent writer. God Bless You.

  2. Love you guys! So happy you lived out some of your Harry Potter fantasies in Florida and those wands are awesome!
    My thoughts will definitely be with all of you through the upcoming trial. may justice prevail!!
    Happy New Year. Xoxo

  3. I am so glad to hear that you all had a great time in Florida and especially Universal. I love Harry Potter too! I've heard from other people that they liked the Butter Beer. Did Finn like it?

    Happy New Year to you. Keep your chin up and I hope to read more of your posts in the coming year.

    -Francine from CT

  4. Kelly so sorry about the stress of the upcoming trial.My family will continue to keep your family in our thoughts and prayers as this month will be another especially rough one for you guys. Hang in there you guys are AMAZING and fight hard for your sweet Colum:) Sending love, Charlene in Riverton

  5. Thinking about you and your family... still I know I'm a stranger but I've followed you on insta so it's fun to see your adventures ;) Finn has the sweetest face! His Spiderman pic! I am expecting a little boy any day now and hope it's not too strange to say that I've thought how maybe (among many other precious family/friends) he's hung out with Colum here and there and they're buds. Well makes me smile anyway. I've not made up my mind about the hereafter but I believe strongly in the presence and reality and immortality of a soul; a spirit. I hope you feel your Colum. I love that on your vacation he had a wand too. Much love, Alisa

  6. Hey Kelly I so love reading your words! You have a gift with writing and I am praying that you will continue to express yours feelings and concerns. You will forget things in time so writing these raw emotions down will help you heal. I have read things I wrote when my mom was dying that have really helped me years later. You are so strong. You have shown each of us your courage and strength. If you need a ride or just a friend I would love to drive you wherever you need to go this next month, or anytime for that matter. I am here for you anytime. Love ya lorri

  7. Happy New Years Kelly, Ryan, Finn, and Colum!! I'm happy that you all had a wonderful vacation. Please let me/us know about the trial. I already have one day off to go and support you all. You're creative chair will be amazing and I can't wait to buy you book.

    Love you all!!

  8. Hi Kelly, it must be strange to know that strangers, like me, are so deeply connected to your deepest sorrows. But I am. I have prayed for you, and think of you often since your accident. Today, what you said about depression or grief struck me. You are right to sense that there is a difference. And I want you to know there is a whole world of people out there who would agree... this place and Dr. C makes me think of you. I hope this helps you in some way to find peace with your present stage of grief: http://centerforlossandtraumainfo.blogspot.com/

    Love, Amy in Montana

  9. This is her blog... today's entry was soooo good!! http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/ okay... done stalking for now. :)

  10. I always wondered what butter beer tasted like! Is it wrong that even though I know it's gross now, I still want some?

  11. Hi Kelly. This is the first time I have posted but I have gained great strength from following your blog. I'm especially glad I read today's post and your comments about the chair. We have 2 foster boys, age 2 & 4, that we may have to say goodbye to soon. I can't bear to think about it and every time I do, I cry. They have been a part of our family for 8 months and they are my babies. They have come so far and have so much potential I am sad that I may never get to experience it with them. I'm now wondering what chair I will choose and I think I will buy the book "Navigating Your Mind" I think about you often and I love reading your blog. Believe it or not, I have learned a lot about grief through following you! My wish is that you continue to grow through this experience and that you realize how many people are pulling for you :)

  12. From one Potter nerd to the next can I just say I am very jealous! I am glad you had a nice time, even if it was cold :-)