::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


His eyes

I'm sorry it's been so quiet around here this month.  I've been very busy up until a few days ago.   January is rarely busy and I can't believe it's almost over.

Yesterday my brother sent us a couple 2 minute videos that he'd taped of Colum while he was on life support in Primary Children's Hospital.  I recently found out my brother was the first person to get to him.  He'd been alone for hours, my dove who was being kept alive by machines.  Somebody had read we were in a horrible accident on Facebook and probably called my Sister or her husband to give their condolences.   Unbeknownst to them no one in my family had any idea.  I'm sure most of them heard of the accident, my other brother's family passed us without recognizing our car.  Some went around to avoid traffic.  They'd gotten home safely and tucked their families into bed.  I imagine my sister frantically calling family members.  Nobody had any information.  Nobody knew which hospital we were even at.  So they split up.  It was Scott who'd gotten to him first.  My Sister-in-law Bobbi who found Finn at a completely different hospital.  He was all by himself, scared out of his mind.  

They asked Ryan what his Mom's phone number was during the 2 hours of trying to cut him out of the car.  They didn't think to ask for my family's number.  They didn't tell Ryan's poor Mom that any one else had been in the car, only her son.  She'd just buried her Husband a few months prior and I'm sure the shock and horror of getting that kind of phone call would make it hard to think of anything else except to grab your keys and just drive to your son.  Bobbi was on her way to spend Christmas Eve with her Mom that night so she wouldn't have to spend her first one alone without Dale, her husband.  I guess they passed on the road and somehow that is how Bobbi found out.  

These little details I'm still learning.  Both our families hearing the news at different times.  Why didn't the social worker tell my Mother-In-Law that their were 3 other people in the car & that she needed to notify them?, maybe it's against the law.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't talk.  I wish my family would've found out sooner; just so Colum wouldn't have been alone.  I know he was in great care.  In one of the videos a nurse's hand is gently rubbing the top of his head over and over with her hand ever so softly, just like I would have done.  His eyes are open.  They follow a nurse who is inserting another tube down his throat and then he looks the other way.  His eyes following noises and movement all the while blinking slowly...almost like...nothing was wrong.  I love those videos even though they make me cry.  I cry just thinking about them.  

I love watching his eyes move back and forth.  I love watching his beautiful eyelids open and close.  I love that his juicy bottom lip is hanging down extra low from being taped down to hold the breathing tube, I could kiss it.  If I would have been in there I would have a million times.  I kiss my kids on the lips.  I've never been a kiss on the lips kind of person, until my kids were born.  I just couldn't help it.  I just wish it was me in there talking to him.  It KILLS ME to think about.  In a way, these videos make me feel like we were.

I miss his eyes more than anything!  

I miss his soft skin.  His juicy lips.  His chubby hands and feet.  His cute little teeth.  His cuddles.  His whines and cries.  The noise he made when he drank his bottles.  His heavy breathing.  It's nice to have something familiar to watch of him even if it is painful.  

Still doing really good though.  I'm laughing again.  Really laughing, on a regular basis.  I feel more like myself and I'm in a really good place.

Have a good week everyone!!!


  1. And you make me cry to imagine those videos. Bless that nurse.
    She must have been a Mama.

  2. Oh, I am so glad you have those videos. They will bring you comfort knowing someone kind and loving was conforting your Colum - what a sweet person that is to have been there to do exactly what his mama would have done. I know the videos my niece has of her beautiful little 5-month old daughter who passed away are so priceless and precious. It is strange how the laws that are supposed to protect us sometimes don't but I am glad your family was able to get to the various hospitals as quickly as they could when their heard the news. I am happy that you are doing well. Keep smiling and laughing, keep living, keep doing everything to get where you want to be. I am excited for your 5K!!

  3. I can only imagine how both devistating and heartwarming it must be to have that video of your sweet Dove.

    Off to go hug my neice and nephew tight and kiss their lips...continued prayers for you all!

  4. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I think of you all on a daily basis when I look down at my I HEART COLUM bracelet! I'm glad that you're laughing and I can't wait for for the 5K!!

  5. Im so glad you are laughing and getting to the old YOU! I'm also so glad you have that footage of your Colum. I can only imagine the need you feel to watch him and remember him...even though it is painful.
    Again...YOU are amazing. Thanks for sharing!

  6. I'll bet it's so nice to get these videos and pix that you didn't know even existed. So were you guys jealous and had to get your own shopping cart? (:

  7. Awwww, what a bitter sweet treasure to have. So hard to see him there knowing that you weren't, but how wonderful to see some of his last moments <3 That is wonderful! So glad to hear that things are still looking up for you, you will always miss your baby boy more than life, but I am so happy to hear that you are smiling and laughing more! There certainly becomes a new "normal" and I am glad that yours includes much happiness!!!

  8. Ahh it makes me so sad to think about it!! Sweet sweet baby boy!!!!! I'm so happy you have those videos. As heartbreaking as it probably is to watch, like you said, it kinda makes you feel like you were there with him! I think about your little family all the time!!!

  9. I think of those nurses at Primary Childrens... and my heart swells with love. I am so glad that he was taken directly there. I am so glad that he was in such capable, loving hands. Their hands are fueled by their hearts. I have no doubt they did everything they could to not only take care of his medical needs, but his emotional ones too. <3

  10. I am unsure if I have commented before, I know I have wanted to, but I just can't help it this time. I remember reading of this story in the paper a year back and hurting for this poor family. It wasn't until a few months back that I stumbled across your blog. After reading back I realized that this was the family I had read about. My heart aches for your loss as a mother. I cannot put into words how humbled I am to read your posts. Your children are beautiful and very lucky to have such wonderful parents. I thought of your sweet Colum and family this Christmas and prayed for your strength to carry you through the holidays and into the new year.

  11. Kelly, the thought of that film makes me want to sob. I wish it was different.x

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