Slowly, the fires are being put out in my brain. There are so many fires, so many that there is hardly any water left that sometimes there's not even a few drops to spare for any tears to fall.
All it took was a spark for a new fire to start. The mountains & trees were very vulnerable since they were so dry. Raging fires that couldn't be contained for weeks. I would become proud once I could finally accommodate 1 fire but, would soon lose control of another. Containing all of these fires takes a lot of work. Somedays the fires would get so bad that's all I could do.
Fireworks were carelessly being lit off and people's cigarette butts weren't being put out. I couldn't incorporate the new fires and keep track of all the old ones. It was hopeless, until recently. Recently I called in some
Prozac reinforcements. The reinforcements usually take 3-4 weeks to show up, but the smoke from my fires made the air so bad that people were complaining so the reinforcements were transported Star Trek style.
Sometimes, I want to cry and I can't. I laugh and I am shocked to hear that sound again. Halloween was so hard. I woke up so sad. It took everything to get out of bed and go to Finn's Halloween parade. I imagined Colum going with me in his lightning McQueen costume (or Buzz or Woody) and feeling so cool and being so excited while his big brother (Iron Man) waltzed by. Finn would strut his stuff a little bit extra just so his baby brother could see how big and cool he was 'cause he was in Preschool. Colum should've been there.
I thought for sure I would be better by the time we were supposed to go trick-or-treating....but I wasn't. I didn't want to get out of bed and I didn't want to stop crying. I didn't want to go without him. I mean I go everywhere without him, I've been so strong haven't I? I fight through the sadness and I go places without him. I felt guilty because I wasn't able to show up for Finn, I wasn't being the Mom I wanted to be. I couldn't. I couldn't decorate for Halloween, I didn't want it to come. I wanted to, Finn wanted to but I couldn't. Luckily Ryan could.
I was nervous to make any Thanksgiving plans. What if I froze up like on Halloween? What if the reinforcements decided to take the day off?!? You can't predict what days are going to be hard and what days are going to be surprisingly easy. Thanksgiving was a surprisingly easy day and we drank it in.
Last week I got a strong desire to hang up Christmas lights outside of our house. Finn was so excited and seeing his excitement feeds my soul. Yesterday we put up our Christmas tree and I rather enjoyed it. I'm actually excited for Christmas morning. I'm feeling the exact opposite than I thought. I thought I would hide from the world and shudder every time I saw a twinkling light or heard Christmas music in the grocery store. But instead of feeling sad I'm feeling joy & I've found myself humming along. I'm so excited to give Finn...to finally give him that magic of Christmas morning. The one that I'm still grieving and honestly don't think I'll ever get over. It breaks my heart that Santa couldn't find Finn or Colum last year at the hospital. Finn got a tube up his nose for Christmas and another up his wiener (that's the classy term we use in our house for penis). He had to be taken away from his family and never got to play with his brother again.
Although, the future month is still unpredictable and there's always a possibility that an old fire will begin burning out of control, a brand new flame, a happy little friendly flame with a smiley face is burning right this second in my heart. I'm coddling this little flame of mine. I'm trying to baby it, embrace it, live in the present.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and drank up your time with your loved ones.
Maybe it's the Prozac, maybe it's a Christmas miracle on 400 East Street. But I know for sure that all your prayers, happy thoughts, and well wishes is most of it and I'm thankful... I'm oh so thankful!