::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Lucky you ...well 3 of you

And the lucky winners are:

Danielle SimmonsMar 25, 2012 07:18 AM
There are 2 things that make me the most happy, my 3 yr old Taylor and my 1 yr old Tenlie. They are the reason I wake up in the morning. I cherish the moments I spend with them. Everyday is a new adventure and I am so lucky to have them in my life. Until you have kids you really dont know what happiness is.

Thank you for reminding me what is important! My life makes me happy. It is in no way perfect, but it is perfect for me. I am blessed to have two great kids and an amazing husband!

My family makes me happy, my children's laughs make me happy, my diet coke makes me happy, the little things make me happy. This is a first comment for me, but I have followed you since your first post about the accident. I am so glad that the man responsible for your heartache has been taken off the streets. I can't imagine. You are so strong. You are inspiring and I will continue to keep your sweet family in my prayers.

Please email me your mailing addresses so I can get these out to you!  My email is packx4@yahoo.com...  I hope you enjoy your prizes!

It made me so happy to read all the ::happy:: comments, sometimes so happy I would cry happy tears.  But I'm always crying these days.  Thanks for every single comment. 


Good Grief

The Good Grief concert is this Thursday.  We are definitely going come hell or high water.  They will be showing pictures of our Colum (& our family) (hopefully we sent them in time), & if it's appropriate to cheer, cheer really loud for us and probably everyone else.  If you live in Utah, and want to see a good show while helping out others come check it out and leave with that warm and fuzzy feeling.  Make it a date or a family tradition because they do it every year.  This will be our first time attending.  A new tradition.  I secretly hope that next year I will be lucky enough to be pregnant.... oh, I'm crazy baby hungry!  I'm not crazy though, just a little nuts.

If you see me, come and say hello.  Sometimes, I get a little shy and am not used to the attention, but it makes me really happy to meet people who have been rooting for us, and/or reading my blog.  

Click here to read more about the Good Grief concert



It's 3 months ago today that we loaded up our kids into our car and turned the key to start the ignition.  Every single moment leading up to the accident, every single second with him I miss.  There's no reasoning, we don't ask ourselves "why", I don't think that God did it.  

We are so lucky to live where there are truly so many generous people and we have such wonderful friends.  A bunch of these angels worked tirelessly to throw another very successful fundraiser for us, and I got to meet a few beautiful ladies that read my blog (hi).  I can't express how grateful I feel to be offered so much bountiful generosities.  Women, whom we've never met crying with/for me on my shoulder, reaching out, and letting me know they have sorrow for my pain.  And then while I was at the fundraiser, to have family cleaning and organizing my kitchen ever so sweetly, "just showing up, cause they know I won't ask for help", THANK YOU.  His bottles were out of the cupboards and on the counter as I walked inside my house.  I don't know what it is about bottles and how you get attached to them.  You love them, you hate always washing them, but they make your baby so happy.  The sight of those bottles are just another huge SIGN that he's gone.   My baby boy is gone... and I can't get him back.

I start crying at the drop of the hat when something sparks my memory about him.  When we were in Costco, Finn pointed to the Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and I lost it.  Colum, he loved that cereal.  I would put him in his highchair and put a few handfuls of it on his tray.  I always knew he loved it if it never ended up on the floor.  His hands would always have all that cinamon and sugar all over him along with his mouth that quickly blended with his beautiful drool.  The puffy cheetos, baby sippee cups, and cheerios.  The song "1,2,3,4" by Feist came on the radio and I lost it because on the DVD Best of Elmo 2, (best Elmo ever btw) they change the words and Feist just sings about counting to the number 4... I actually prefer the Elmo version, Colum would always stop and dance to that song.  I miss my baby.

This is supposed to be a happy post but I'm turning it sad.  I've had such an amazing day of so many doing so much.  Things are going really good for us, perps in jail, and it's giveaway time!  I'm giving away not 1, not 2, but 3 whole things.  So 3 winners!  

2 winners will win a DoTerra Introductory Kit that contains: Lavender, Lemon, and Peppermint <--- relaxing, cleansing, and revitalizing.  Combine all three in a capsule for allergies.  I love Peppermint on my temples and scalp when I need to focus or wake up.  And put Lavender on my pillow every night.  Lemon in my water...but only 1 drop because it's strong stuff.

1 winner will win DoTerra PastTense Tension Blend <---it's a roll-on that's great for headaches, amazing actually.  

To enter: leave a comment on my blog about something that makes you happy.  Because, we can all use a little happy, and maybe talk about it some more.  

I will have Finn pick winners at random on Wednesday and announce them.  


This calls for a little celebration

For those of you that aren't local we have some great news!  Drum roll please.........................................................


.......charges...... have..........
              ............................finally..............................been....................  ...........                     ............................................................................


To see our interview and hear more about the charges that were filed click here.

It's been a long time coming!  I will be hosting my very first giveaway of something that I love and truly believe in to celebrate.  Stay tuned, I hope to have it all together by the end of the week.

Daddy is laying down receiving one of Colum's famous cuddles.
Oh how I wish that were me right now.

Nightly wrestling match.  Something I miss watching terribly.  I know my boys miss it too.  My family feels so small.

Pushing myself

We have been oh, so busy.  It seems that most days I have a number of things to do (don't we all) and then as soon as I get home, I stumble to my bed... sometimes I can barely walk to my bed.  We do a few hours of therapy 3 days a week and I really push myself.  Well on Saturday, I did exactly what I've wanted to do for a long time.  I laid in bed the entire day and cried for most of it.  Sometimes when I'm out and about I can cry at a drop of the hat, and sometimes I meet some readers who cry at the drop of a hat, and I feel guilty because my tears aren't falling.  Ryan and I notice that when the weather gets ugly, so does our pain...we are like those old people that can feel when a storm is a comin' in their knee yet we are only in our early 30's.  I've been told that I may always struggle with pain and that I may walk with a limp, but at least I can skip the weather-man.  Nope, no need for us to watch that part of the news cast cause we can feel it comin'.  I'm hoping I get good at this, or that we will be forced to move somewhere warm.  It takes us both a while to get up in the mornings (I admit I'm the worst).  We make lots of "Ohs" and "Ahs" getting up not just in the mornings, also when the weather turns.  We often laugh at this.  Not only have we experienced hoyer lifts, bed pans, and walkers, but now we make old people sound effects.  I wonder when we are both able to run again if these noises we make will get better or worse. One thing I know is getting old, I can do it, bed pans...not so much.  I was going to make a rap song about them in the hospital and post it in on YouTube, I was also on a lot of drugs.

I am still loving physical therapy.  We switched to a whole new place and I think it fits us better.  I think our new place can accommodate all our multiple injuries a lot better and they really go the extra mile.  I can barely walk out to the car sometimes after I'm finished.  I push myself not only because I want to chuck my cane...(yup, I'm down to only a cane for short distances folks), but because I want to have a baby so bad that if you have one, you better hold on tight when you see me comin'.  I've never been like this before, not even when I was like this.  It's different, than when I'd never had a baby.  I don't envy the pregnant ladies...actually I dread that part.  But, I hope with everything I have that I can grow a bigger family.  

Below is one of my very very most treasured things I have of my Colum.  Finn was/is in Preschool and we would sing and practice the moves to Itsy Bitsy Spider a lot.  One day I noticed that Colum was doing them to.  I was holding my phone so he wasn't participating in the moves as much.  When the 'out comes the sun' part comes he starts going from side to side because I do that with the sun above my head.  I love this short Iphone video and I hope you see why.


Smitten by

I'm honored to say that I was asked to be a guest blogger (my first time ever) on smitten by

Click here to check out my post on spring cleansing & enter to win $100 DoTerra essential oils giveaway! Pretty darm amazing!

Update: I'm not responsible for the giveaway, Smitten By is. I'm really sorry for the confusion, thank you Smitten By!

...although that sure isn't a bad idea for the future. Maybe, when a certain somebody finally gets arrested we will do something to celebrate here on the ol' bloggity!

And while i'm here, thank you so very much for giving me a shoulder to cry on, reading about my sorrows, and uplifting me along the way. I never know if some things will be too much to write about.... So thank you readers for all your kind comments, it really brings happy tears to my eyes and blows away dark shadows that overcome me at times.


Emotional wreckage

My MacBook is dead, the battery charger stopped charging. I'm typing, like old times (while I was in the hospital), on my iPad. I love my iPad, but typing isn't as great. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel lucky to be alive, to be walking, & to be home. But, I miss the other half of my kids. It's so indescribably hard. We cry every night. Most mornings I cry. When I'm home alone I cry loudly, I sometimes scream. We talk about how tough he was, how he could've lived in the bath tub, how big he'd gotten, how he wasn't as ticklish as Finn, and I often wonder if he would have liked the snow.

He was a Momma's boy all day long but, as soon as Daddy walked in the door he was all Daddy's. He was fearless yet loving, a tough guy yet sweet. I cry as I type this, I cry a lot lately... It feels like I'm crying more instead of less, it doesn't get easier but, I didn't expect it too. We were just crying, looking at the pictures the nurses took of us holding our baby for the last time. His eyes were closed. It's sadly a foggy memory for me but I remember wanting to just see his blue eyes just one last time. He was hooked up to all sorts of tubes and machines, and he had to wear a neck brace. For part of the time they dressed him down to just his diaper so we could feel his skin against ours. We look at the pictures and marvel at the beauty of his body. His perfect belly button, and baby-someday-be-a-man shoulders. He was so beautiful and so perfect. My miracle baby.

My sister told me I screamed that whole night after they had to take our baby from our arms & wheeled me back to the ICU. She said I screamed "my baby", & she kept asking the nurses if it was ok. They told her it was & let a mother who knew she'd lost something she couldn't get back scream. I didn't remember the screaming but immediately cried when she told me that. I remember the shock, pain, and trying to accept the future. I still scream, I think I will always have those days. I miss my Momma's boy right now, Finn misses his brother, and Daddy misses his "tough guy".

It's not letting me upload my favorite video of Colum, but I will... Perhaps a post of nothing but pictures and videos of my sweet, very much missed, Colum. Colum, we love you!


Our blessed mess

On Christmas Eve my Family and I were hit with serious misfortune.  I spent over 7 weeks in the hospital, Ryan over 4 weeks, Finn was traumatized, and we lost and buried our precious baby.  Ryan and I were talking yesterday how we can't believe all that we've been through, how hard it used to be to take a few steps, and how we never once thought this would be in the cards for us.  We don't constantly talk about it, but our constant aches and pains are always there to remind us of the accident and the most unfortunate event that followed.

We met up with the people that so generously offered to do a headstone for us.  Upon meeting them we could tell they are beautiful people.  I'm sure they aren't extremely wealthy, but they offer to help people out who also experience tragedy from time to time.  We haven't met with them until now, I think we have procrastinated this last task that really makes it real.  The headstone is going to be beautiful, we picked out the stone, I saw one small sample out of the corner of my eye and I knew that was it (owners wife's favorite so I give her full credit).  Ryan quickly agreed, it was perfect for Colum.  I never thought I'd have the task of picking out which stone I like best for my son's headstone.  I also never heard of people doing headstones for free either.  Thank you indelible Sandblasting you guys are angels.  For more info about Indelible Sandblasting click here.

We opened up the mail a few days ago and were showered with gifts from people whom we've never met.  They were perfect gifts custom made for us.  The first package we opened was from the Vintage Pearl.  Vintage Pearl, you couldn't have stamped anything more perfect on the metal you gave us!  We wear them everyday.

Perfect...to see more from The Vintage Pearl click here.  Hmmm, Mother's Day will be here before we know it.

We also got a gift from Windfall Dolls.  It was a gift for Finn, and brought a tear to Mommy and Daddy's eye because we recognized this doll.  They made a Colum doll for Finn to snuggle when he is feeling sad.  Days later Bobbi, Ryan's sister uncovered another precious little secret on this precious Colum doll... a heart had been embroidered on his soft little chest, to represent Colum's heart that was donated.  How much thought that was put into this blows me away.  Thank you Windfall Dolls, thank you.

For some reason I can't post photos of this doll.  Click here to go to their blog and see Finn's Colum doll.

The fundraisers are ongoing, we have had numerous donations, meals brought to us, emails from strangers wanting to help, and new friendships have begun.  We got the official word that Home Depot (if you've looked through my blog you know I'm a customer), is going to gut our bathroom and make it more handi-capable friendly.  We are getting a whirlpool tub, the tub we have now I don't even attempt to soak in but a real whirlpool tub with jets that we can soak our healing/broken/sore bodies in...aaaahhh.  A new handi-capable friendly toilet (they are a little bit higher), and since they have to rip out the floor to put in the tub I'm getting all new tiling, a vanity, electrical stuff (basically only have 1 outlet that is up too high and doesn't work if the light turns off), and a ...drumroll please.... bathroom fan!  This isn't going to take place for a couple months, and don't worry I will take pictures.  Our friend works at Home Depot and somehow made this happen, thank you Karen!  Not only is she helping us do this but, she has the most incredible style and taste!  She is very creative and is taking my style into consideration.  She brought all of her ideas to me this morning and all my answers were (hands to mouth), "YES", & "OMG yes!"!!!  It's like a dream remodel.  Subway tiles to the ceiling and she said she was thinking yellow and grey tile accents... ummm, this is only like my favorite color combo.  All this with real live plumbers, real live electricians; and professionals doing it (we've done our whole house ourselves).

We have all of these angels and all of these amazing things happening to us.  We are growing stronger everyday and Finn saves us from some very dark places.  We met some of the police officers who are working on our case last week at the impound so we could get a few things out of our car.  It was the day after it had finally snowed and so it was covered in snow, which was probably a good thing.  The first thing they told us is that we should all be dead.  The Subarban that hit us weighs 3x's our Subaru Outback and that it's a miracle any of us survived.  I heard Dr's in the hospital tell us the same thing several times... they'd never seen a car accident like ours where people lived yet had no brain or spinal injuries.  I like to think of myself as lucky.  I will probably always walk with a limp but at least I can walk.  3 out of 4 of us survived and are home and went to see The Lorax today, which felt amazing.  We are all growing stronger inside and out.  We will always share the same pain, but it's nice to have eachother.  People ask me if I'm seeing somebody.  Dr's ask me if I'm seeing somebody.  I'm not.  I'm not on any anti-depressants either.  I think they are great and that they can really help people who need them, but just not for me, not now.  People are always shocked but the truth is I feel mentally stable, I just cry a lot which is normal.  If you know me at all, I'm very open about my mental stability :).  I don't feel like I need to see anybody.  The truth is I'm less crazy having Ryan around, I love him, and couldn't do this without him.  If you know him personally you are nodding your head because he is so wonderful and I am lucky.  I have Ryan, Finn, my extended family, my friends, strangers, and my blog family really helping me get through.  Perhaps, when Ryan has to go back to work I will need therapy :).

Thank you to everybody who has helped, prayed, or cared.  You have made a huge impact on our healing and happiness.

P.S. I want to thank all of the Dr's, nurses, janitors, aids, and everyone who helped us.  We were lucky to go to such a great hospital!

I want to specifically thank some people that were working the night Colum was life flighted to Primary Children's Hospital:

Tracey Webb, RN
Laurie Merrick, RN
Dr Don Vernon, MD
Larissa Kasarskis, RN
Dr Tell Bennett, MD
Aubrey Anderson-Patient Care Tech
Chris Benitez-Respiratory Therapist
and all the staff working from 12/24-12/25

Thanks to everybody who participated in Colum's care.  The nurses who were in the room with us as we said our goodbyes.  Whoever pulled the strings of bringing Colum; in his severe condition to my room so we could say goodbye.

Thank you to the ambulance drivers.  To the people who stopped to help us right after the accident.  To all the EMT's and Air Med for coming to our rescue.  For every person I'm not naming that came to our rescue.... I'm sorry I wish I could name every single one of you.  Thank you for stopping your life on Christmas Eve to help somebody else.  Thank you to a male nurse, I don't know your name, who helped and stayed with Colum all night at Primary Children's, cried the whole way home, and then wrote a beautiful email on the KellyPack.com about your experience.  It soothed a mother and father who were broken.


...to health and happiness

My sincere apologies for my lack of posts.  Thank you for all of your kind comments of concern for my health and well being.  I truly have been blown away by all the kindness that I've witnessed on a daily basis.  I feel very strongly that because of all my angels, I have the strength to heal and grow stronger every day.  It's been one of those crazy busy, I need a day off kind of weeks.  I'm going to try and do another post within 48 hours of this because I have a lot to write about :)) We have been working on financial aid applications for the hospitals (cross your fingers they take some of the burden off our shoulders), Dr's appts, dinners with friends...<--yup, I went out to dinner with friends, twice, and I even got a pedicure.  

On my last post I talked about using DoTerra oils.  I put them on the bottoms of my feet and at night time I have Ryan rub some on my spine and over my kidney.  I put all my faith in them, and have used them 3-5 x's per day for 1 week now.  

Well, guess what?  I'm not having any fevers... at all!  I started the oils Sunday night, I had my usual fever that night and Monday night as well.  Tuesday my day went on as normal, at about 10pm, I had my heating blanket on but I didn't need it.  It hit me, I didn't have a fever.  I took my temperature and it read 97.5 my normal below 98.6 (low-thyroid) temperature.  "Holy cow, could these really be working?", I said to Ryan.  Typically, my fevers/infection/thing started out as a low fever just below 101 the first night, then I'd get 2 the second night, 2 high fevers the next night and some in the afternoon, then back to back high fevers=ER bound.  I've always loved homeopathic everything.  We actually swear by garlic shots when you feel a cold coming on, if you are interested click here.  I've heard positive things about DoTerra oils but really didn't think they could actually cure something as serious as what I was dealing with.  Also, all companies claim that their product is the best.  Our cousin had us smell DoTerra's peppermint oil and the 'NOW' brand's peppermint oil and the difference was huge!  So, I do think that using DoTerra's oil and another brand will probably give you different results.  

I have been using the oils more often than I probably needed to, but I really wanted to get fast results and I had what I feel to be a major infection in my body.  Here is what I've been using and a short description on their benefits.  Source here.

On the bottoms of my feet:

Oregano-Natural Immune Support:
  • Properties-Antibacterial, antifungal, anti-parasitic, antiseptic to the respiratory system, antiviral, and immune stimulant.
  • Common primary uses-Athlete's foot, calluses, Candida, Canker Sores, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Ebola Virus, Fungal infections, Immune System (Stimulates), Inflammation, Intestinal Parasites, MRSA, Muscle Aches, Nasal Polyp, Parasites, Plague, Pneumonia, Ringworm, Staph Infection, Ringworm, Viral Infections, Warts, Whooping Cough

On Guard-Protective Blend:

  • The oils in this blend have been studied for their strong abilities to kill harmful bacteria, mold, and viruses.  This blend can be diffused into the air or be used to clean and purify household surfaces.  
Single oils in this blend include:
  • wild orange-antibacterial, antifungal, antidepressant, & antiseptic; very effective against colds & flu.  
  • Clove Bud-antibacterial, antifungal, anti-infectious, antiparasitic, antiseptic, antiviral, & an immune stimulant.  
  • Cinnamon Bark-antibacterial, antifungal, anti-infectious, anti-inflammatory, antimicrobial, antiparasitic, antiseptic, antispasmodic, antiviral, atringent, immune stimulant, sexual stimulant, and warming.  
  • Eucalyptus Radiata-may have a profound anti-viral effect upon the respiratory system.  It also has strong antibacterial, anticatarrhal, and antiseptic properties. 
  •  Rosemary-may help balance heart function, energize the solar plexus, and reduce mental fatigue.  It may improve circulation and help stimulate the nerves.  It is antiseptic and anti-infectious.
On my spine and kidney:


  • Analgesic, antibacterial, anticarcinogenic, anti-inflammatory, antiseptic, antispasmodic, anti-viral, and invigorating.
  • Possible uses: Asthma, bronchitis, candida, diarrhea, digestion, fever, flu, halitosis, heartburn, hemorrhoids, hot flashes, indigestion, menstrual irregularity, migraine headache, motion sickness, nausea, respiratory function, vomiting, depression, fatigue, inflammation, liver problems, rheumatism, toothaches, tuberculosis, and add flavor to water.
I've always loved to rub just a little bit of this on my temples in the afternoon.  It helps wake me up and gives me a slight stimulating effect helping me to focus and boosts my mood.


  • This oil may help with aging, allergies, bites (insect and snake), bronchitis, carbuncles, catarrh, colds, diarrhea, diphtiheria, gonorrhea, headaches, healing, hemorrhaging, herpes, high blood pressure, jaundice, laryngitis, meningitis, nervous conditions, prostate problems, pneumonia, respiratory problems, sciatic pain, sores, spiritual awareness, staph, strep, stress, syphilis, T.B., tension, tonsillitis, typhoid, and wounds.  
  • May also help a person have a better attitude, which may help to strengthen the immune system.

Whoa, that was a lot to type.  I obviously love these oils.  There are a lot of different oils and they all work for different ailments.  I spent a long time in the hospital on a lot of different antibiotics and other medications.  For me these oils came into my life at the perfect time.  I am also going to start putting lemon essential oil (stronger than just a regular lemon), in my water to start cleansing my body of all the toxins that I've been exposed to in the recent months.  There are different applications for each oil and they are 100% natural and safe to use on children (as directed).   I just signed up to be a wholesaler because it was only $35.00 and I plan on using them for my family and self regularly.  If you are interested in trying these oils or if you have any questions email me at PACKX4@YAHOO.COM.  If you want to try them before you buy them contact me and I will try to mail you a sample.  If you want to sign up to be a wholesaler please contact me or sign up under me (pretty pretty please), my member ID is 163300... my goal is to get enough people to sign up under me so I don't have to pay for my oils.  Or for more information, or if you want to purchase oils go to www.mydoterra.com/kellypack/ 

I know these oils aren't for everyone.  But, I think there is always something you can do to make yourself feel better.  Something, that you take just a few seconds or an hour a day that makes you feel good inside and out.  About 6 months before the accident I began doing just that.  I like to say "I got my act together".  A light turned on.  I started running.  It was just a little bit at first, and then I surprised myself and built up my tolerance to 5-7 miles/day.  Running made me feel good, which led me to start taking more pride in my appearance.  I was in one of the best places, if not the best place I'd ever been in my whole life.  I started doing my hair, putting on make-up, and dressing as cute as possible almost every single day.  Sadly, I hadn't taken pride, or even the time for myself in years.  I still cry a whole lot, but it feels so good to feel good again!  I hope to be running by Colum's Birthday 6-29.  I'm starting to feel that light turn back on.