::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

12.04.2012

past, Present, & FUTURE

Finn asked me the other day if we could just put a baby in his tummy.  Today he asked me when that girl baby is coming.  I don't let him see the hurt in my eyes because he is too young to understand.  He gets so happy and is always excited to talk about it.  Today while we were driving he said, "Mom the new baby is gonna be different.  The new baby is not gonna be Colum.  There's no more Colum."  He kinda drifted off and his voice got quiet while saying that last sentence.

A few weeks ago while he was at Costco with Ryan, as they waited in line surrounded by other families he asked, "Dad, who took Colum?".  Ryan explained to him that nobody took him, that he died.  He had tears in his eyes when he quietly told me what happened and I was a little surprised when Finn asked me the same question the next day.  We didn't let Finn see that his questions made us cry because I don't want him to ever feel like it's not okay to ask questions or that any of this is his fault.  When I watch the funeral video and I watch as Finn is held up by my Mom and he gives his last kiss to his little blonde brother and waves his hand goodbye it just devastates me.  I, his Mother can tell he doesn't really understand that this goodbye is going to be his last.  Somebody told me that he was telling people that Colum was cold and he needed a blanket during the funeral.  He probably just thought he was in a deep peaceful sleep.  The Hope Chapel the one where his viewing was held in the hospital is right by some of the main elevators we would frequent while we lived there.  Each time we passed the chapel Finn would cry out, "look there's Colum's room".  I can recall one time if he asked if we could go in and see him.  

During the burial, that Ryan and I couldn't attend and listened via cell-phone (although I sadly can't remember most of it because I probably passed out...yeah, I'm crying right now) a cousin stood and held Finn for most of it.  She later came and told me things that Finn said regarding the funeral such as, "Why are they doing white balloons?  Colum doesn't like white!  They should have done a blue one or... a Spiderman one for Colum". I can't recall the other sweet things she told me they talked about because those memories are so foggy.  But I'm so grateful I remember that one and I'm glad I'm typing it down so I never forget.  Never forget the love my 3 yr old son had for his 18 month old baby brother who constantly pulled his hair and his input on how he thinks Colum would've liked things.   

I was lucky.  I'd never had anybody really close to me die before up until a year ago.  It's taken me awhile to grab hold of this pain and understand what it means.  Every morning is like waking up from a nightmare.  Remembering what happened.  My body screaming.  Colum died.  Telling yourself you can get through today, get through this morning, get through this week.  

Some nights I don't want to fall asleep in fear of waking... 

Remembering.  Grieving.  Re-familiarizing myself with the deep dark hole. 

There's something so obvious about grief.  Something I didn't understand before.  As some of you may know, when you become a Mother for the first time and your baby grows out of those newborn clothes, you are so saddened.  How did this happen?  I just had him?  I can't get that back.  You're grieving what you had.  You wonder if you appreciated it when you had it.  Those sleepless nights feel like forever & it's never going to end but,then suddenly it's gone in the blink of an eye. But at least you have the future to look forward to you.  There's always tomorrow.  But, when you lose a child. 
 When you lose a Colum you are grieving the 

Past. 
Present. 
& the Future.

I think Finn smiles about the past memories he has with Colum.  He misses him now in the present.  And looks forward to the future.  

Yet the farther away Christmas '11 gets, the further away he feels.  The longer its been since I held him in my arms.  The longer it's been since I've brushed the snarls from the back of his head, since I've touched his soft skin, whispered in his ear, or kissed his sweet face.  Memories are starting to fade; but my desires & instincts to mother him remain.  

I'm trying to live more like Finn.  He's only a child and yet he's already experienced something so tragic.  He handles it with such grace and such courage and such love.

In the month of November I went to 3 different Dr's about my fertility.  One was an OBGYN.  One was, I don't know what he was but he does IVF.  & the other is the one I love and I tell her I love her about 3 times each time I visit, just in case she forgot.  After the accident I didn't have a period again until August.  My cycles have been every 18-23 days.  In the beginning I was just glad something was happening.  The first Dr spoke of Luteal Phase Defects, Clomid, FSH and IUIs.  The 2nd said IVF was my one & only hope.  He even did an ultrasound on my ovaries and it just so happened to be on day 14 & in my right there were 3 large follicles; 1 being larger than the others.  I asked him if he thought I might still ovulate and he said Oh no cause it's already day 14.  The first Dr ordered a blood test for day 16 and the nurse called and said that no I didn't ovulate.  Then I went to my 3rd Dr whom I love who ordered another blood test (on the correct day (21)) which indeed said yes I did.  I've been ecstatic!  I literally felt like doing a round-off back handspring, back-tuck right there in my kitchen to celebrate (nope, I've never done one & yeah handi-cap right).  Of course this news brought with it false hope.  No pink lines.  All I wanted for Christmas was 2 pink lines.  Just 2.  I needed it.  We needed it.  Then it was gonna take everything to not tell Finn until February.  We were gonna be due on Aug 8...  It would be a gift, a gift from Colum my little dove.  ...that's what was supposed to happen.  
~That's the false hope, that's what hope gets you when you have infertility.  

Infertility is a monster all of it's own.  A monster only recognized if you've personally seen it for yourself.

I can't stop crying.  I searched my house for extra Prozac last night cause I was gonna double my dose.  But I didn't find any.  This is hard.  This is really really hard. False hope.  But at least for a moment there was hope. For a moment, a little over a week I found myself looking forward towards the future.

I've done infertility before.  I know infertility.  But this infertility is I dare say shittier in ways. We are all waiting on me to get pregnant so somethings can be fixed hormone wise with Ryan, and so Finn can, or so I can have the chance to have 2 siblings living together under my roof again.  The IVF Dr said your reproductive organs/hormones are the first thing to go when you experience extreme trauma and almost die.  It's the last thing your body needs to sustain life.  I went bald, and Ryan went into early man menopause.  

I feel so much better just writing about this.  Like now I can live in the present and not let the sadness take over.  Sometimes my fingers twitch.  They just want to type my thoughts.  I analyze and try to make sense of this beautiful mess.  Writing helps me sort through my thoughts and understand my feelings.  I never ever thought I would enjoy writing.  I could've seen myself in the Ice Capades before I ever thought writing would be something I very much enjoyed.  Colum, he gave this to me.  It's his first gift.  He gave me a love for writing and he gave me all of you who care enough to read my crazy philosophies and ideas.  Writing down how I feel frees me so I can go and be the Mom I want to be again.  



45 comments:

  1. May your family have comfort and peace this Holiday Season. God hears your prayers. He has brought your family this far and will answer your prayers in his time. Hold on to your memories. Finn will always know Colum through his parents. What a gift for a little boy!!!

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  2. I would have never thought I would like writing either until my baby passed away. Something about it soothes the grieving soul. It is just nice to get it all out there...off you chest. Good luck in your journey. I hope the best for your family.

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  3. I love you Kelly; you're beautiful (and a very gifted writer, indeed).

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  4. I always thought there was nothing I want more in life then a 2nd baby. But I am wrong, I want for you to have another child even more than me. God Bless You! I hope it happens soon. My next little spirit can stand in line behind yours to come down. I don't mind.

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    1. I'm always frustrated when there is no "like" button on a blog, so I must respond. This is the most beautiful, selfless sentiment. What a dear person you are.

      Kelly, just sending love to all of you by the bushel. Thank you for expressing your thoughts so beautifully.

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    2. That is so sweet for you. I wish it for us both! xoxo

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  5. Kelly, my heart is deeply touched by your blog. Complete strangers we are, but you are never far from my thoughts and prayers. May God give you comfort and strength to get through Christmas and may you thoroughly enjoy your time with Finn and Ryan.
    love and hugs from Baltimore!
    Erin D'Achino
    @Anonymous, that is a very wonderful wish.

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  6. Ugh... this tears at my mommy strings. I will never forget running into you at the mall when we were both pregnant. You excitedly told me all about your IFV and how it finally worked. I think I had mentioned that I had to use Clomid to get pregnant. My infertility wasn't nearly as bad as yours, but I know those same feelings. The crushed hope. I, as well as everyone else, hope for 2 pink lines for you!!!! Oh how I hope!!!! Don't lose that hope, I truly believe that someone like you will be granted that wish. You are an amazing mother, and it's only fair that you should be granted that! You, of all women, DESERVE it. Your family deserves it.

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  7. I remember how hard and difficult infertility was way back in the dark ages when I was a young woman. IVF was not an option then because (1) no doctor in Utah did the procedure at the time (2) it was crazy, horribly expensive (just as it is now). My husband and I decided to adopt and waited another 3 years for our son, our only child who is all grown up now. He and his wife made me a grandmother 2 1/2 years ago and life brought me joy when I least expected it, only 14 months after losing my husband and both parents within 7 months. I do not for a minute compare my life and loss with yours. A mother should never, ever lose their child. I only tell you this little part of my life to let you know that I somewhat understand the fertility heartache and I somewhat understand what loss does to us. But I also say without a doubt that life is still good, it is worth it, and it is still hard. I kept going because I knew I had people in my live that need me and so do you. I will pray for you to get pregnant soon and that the next few weeks and months will be kind to you and your family. Keep writing and keep hoping. Remember....Colum is still Colum. He will be forever in your heart. The love never ends.

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  8. I feel that small children are closer to the knowledge of tiny spirits. Keep faith in his thoughts.

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  9. sending you love, beautiful mama. so very, very sorry for your loss. one heartbroken mom to another...xoxo

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  10. I'm praying so hard you get pregnant. I don't even know you and I want you to get preggers more than anyone I've known get pregnant. I lost my brother last year. He was 29 and I was 31. I was lucky enough to know him for 29 years and have lots of childhood memories so my heart aches for little Finn and hope he gets another sibling soon to make those memories. I love your raw honesty. Love that you say shit, because honestly its just shitty! Thank you for your blog. As much as it helps you to get it out. It helps other who carry the burden and the shattered hearts of losing someone they loved so so much!!

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  11. http://www.thislittlemiggy.com/2012/11/an-extra-special-special-needs.html

    I hope you can heal and go on to have other children. The link above is about an adoption option that I thought I would pass along.

    I am sorry for your loss

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  12. HI, Kelly I have followed your story from day 1, and u are so amazing, but i also understand the infertility struggle because i also have infertiliy issues to, im going through a frozen cycle right now,and i was wandering who you do your infertility with?

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    1. Oh, I'm wishing you all the luck in the world! Finn was a frozen embryo. Well the first consultation was with Dr Richards/Dr Mars but we just had a consult with Utah Fertility Clinic (Dr Faulk) and if we decide to go that route we will probably go with them. With Finn Dr Richards and Dr Faulk were partners. Email me if you want to chat packx4 at yahoo! Seriously so excited for you!

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  13. Hey, my name is Jim Dalrymple. I'm a reporter with the Daily Herald and I'd love to chat with you. Feel free to call or email. 801 344 2907 jdalrymple@heraldextra.com

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  14. Prayers coming your way for a little baby sprinkled with Colum kisses to come and join your sweet and deserving family. I want this to happen SO VERY MUCH for you!

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  15. Hang in there Kelly-- prayers from St Louis for 2 pink lines. I understand the infertility struggle on a personal level. I'm sorry. It sucks. Bad.
    natalie

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  16. It's truly amazing the bond siblings create from such a young age. Penny is only 2 but the special bond she has with Kairo is strong. As a parent it brings you great joy to see that and I know it would be very difficult to lose. I would want that back more than anything. I am in such high hopes that you can bring another little person (or two :) into your family. It is a painful wait for you I know and I hope its a short one. Lots of love to you dear friend!

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  17. I haven't lost a child but I do know how heartbreaking infertility is it took me 4 years to get pregnant & I went through every fertility test & treatment there is have y'all had Ryan tested since the accident? Make factors play a big role in infertility & things might have changed for him since the accident? Just a thought praying for you & your future child

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    1. That's a good point. We are doing more tests on him and crossing our fingers with that. I'm glad you finally got pregnant. hugs xoxo

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  18. It will happen for you Kelly, just hold on and give it time.

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  19. I really hope you receive a peace in your heart. NOTHING AT ALL LIKE YOUR LOSS, but I lost my precious 13yo Shih Tzu after a 5-day illness that swept her away on 6/2 despite all our best efforts and 2 weeks later our 17yo Shih Tzu died, as well. I was so shocked by the 13yo's death (she'd been totally fine before she got sick) and cried so much it was unreal. I got a priesthood blessing that I didn't think would help, but it did and I was able to at least sleep again. Anyway, my period stopped for 4 months after that. I'm at an age for perimenopause, but when it started back up, the next one came at the right interval so I'm tending to think my grief put things out of whack. I hope that a new child is put into your arms and fills the spot you have waiting.

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  20. You are so right about the past, present, and future. While we grieve the past and present for/with Norah, our one hope lies completely with the future. I think this must be part of why you and I find such love and comfort with one another.

    Finn is amazing. What a courageous and loving boy. It is amazing how kids process these things with their hearts. I can't wait for Finn and Harper to meet someday. They'll be great buds.

    I know it's not the same as getting pregnant, but I'm sure I'm in a long line of women who would line up as surrogates if you guys did IVF and it didn't work. After all- my baby making days are probably over, even though I LOVED being pregnant.

    Thinking of you always xo

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    1. Thank you Shauna! That really means a lot. Love you guys!

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  21. I LOVE YOU sweet friend. I really, really do!
    allie

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  22. I love you and am praying for your heart to be healed. I also pray that you get pregnant. I think your writing is incredible. I hope that you will continue to write your thoughts and feelings down. I have found great strength in your words. You continue to amaze me. You truly are an angel Kelly an angel that got to be Colum and Finns mommy! Remember that ok? You are strong and have shown so many of us your continued courage. Xoxo

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  23. Hello from Oklahoma! I don't remember how I found your blog about a months ago, but I did and I am forever changed! Changed in the way I drive (not texting, paying close attention, not driving so fast), I definately do not take my kids for granted and I realize how lucky I am to have avoided such a tragedy in my life. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine...i don't want to. I admire your strength and am glad you have this blog as an outlet to write your feelings. I pray for you and your family nightly. My son is getting his drivers license today (hopefully) and last night I told him your story and made him watch the funeral video. I expressed the importance of not texting or answering his phone while driving, keeping his eyes on the road at all times and if he drops his phone or something while driving DON'T bend over to pick it up. I told him i've been guilty of all the above, but bc of your story, I no longer do!! We read about the man that hit you and what he has been charged with...that there are serious consequences for what he did. Anyway, I will continue to pray that God give you and your family peace and love and that your infertility issues will be resolved. -Sarah

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    1. Thank you so much for writing this! It is a huge deal, and it really means so much! Happy Holidays!

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  24. Always praying for you. Its been so long since I first saw the video so I watched it again just now. Tears ares streaming down my face for you and your family. Praying especially for you as we go thru the holiday season this year. ((HUGS))

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  25. Thinking of you and crossing my fingers for some good news!!!

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  26. I hope you get those pink lines soon! You deserve to get what you desire.

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  27. I'm crossing everything for you Kelly. As Christmas approaches and we both face it without our complete family, I'm thinking of you all and especially precious little Colum. Lots of love to you,
    Fiona
    Xxx

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  28. Hi Kelly, I have followed your story for the past year and I was hoping to get your email address to ask you a question. Mine is mcbrimhall@msn.com Thanks, Melissa

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    1. Hi Melissa, my email is packx4 at yahoo.com

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  29. Kelly hi you don't know me but I went to high school with Brett pack, I got up with my girls last Christmas and glanced at Facebook to make the generic "happy holidays "post, and he said to pray for his family. I watched all day for updates, after a while I saw this blog and am addicted to it.I have to say I have prayed daily for your family. Im a single mom with a 7 yr old and a 15 month old. I read your blog when I feel sorry for myself because my ex is such a horrible well he's an ex for a reason, it makes me think well it could be worse. this blog makes me want to hug my kids tighter, love them more and never take any time I can play with them for granted. I read your writing and want to give you a hug and do all I can to help. I went to steel days and my section gave Flynn a standing ovation. he is so brave and is going to go so far in life.if he can get through this there is nothing he can't do. I have been meaning to write for a while sorry this is so long.you guys are my heros, I wouldn't have survived if I ever lost one of my girls. if you ever need anything, I'm in Pg please feel free to give me a call. Its 801-686-2290. I'm also a girl scout leader me and my troop can shovel walks, rake leaves etc. I myself can babysit, or just give you the needed 5 minutes. thanks for sharing your life and good luck with everything. amie :/

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    1. um meant to say Finn not Flynn. stupid auto correct

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  30. Kelly, I'm constantly thinking about you and your cute little family. Praying for you to get a new little one, and that this holiday season brings happiness and peace. Keep up the writing! I love reading your thoughts and I LOVE that you are willing to share them:)

    Love ya to death!

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  31. God will grant you the wish of your heart. He truly will. I will be praying for you every day and know those 2 pink lines will come soon. Carry on, sweet friend. You inspire me. -arrowsmithchic

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  32. p.s. I just know that in the future you'll be writing a book...writing about tragedy, then hope, and then joy in rebuilding your family. I can totally see it. Love your writing.

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  33. I love your writing Kelly and I know you have heard this many times....but you're an inspiration to many who read your blog!! I personally can't relate to infertility but my nephew was conceived with IVF. I'm just "fertile mertile"!! Finn is a very smart boy and will always remember his little brother. I pray for 2 pink lines for you all SOON!!!!

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  34. Kelly...just came to your blog via Anna Donaldson's...so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. So very, very sorry. I don't know if it means much, but I'll be thinking of you and praying for you all these next few weeks. Peace.

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  35. I love it when you write. You really are an inspiration to so many of us! I've never been a reader. I probably read maybe half of a full book in Jr. High and then nothing until the Twilight books came out. I read all 4 of them. And since Twilight, nothing. But now, I read your blog and I check for updates often. I love reading your posts. The humor you put into it. Even though what you have been through and are going through isn't funny at all. You put things perfectly and real. I want you to get what you want. I want your future to be as amazing as you are!

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  36. Beautifully written. Thoughts and prayers are continually with you guys along with all those in Connecticut and those here in Oregon involved in the mall shooting last tuesday. Sorry we missed you guys at Regan's wedding. It was good to see Bobbie and JoAnn. Thank you for continually letting us into your heart Kelly and expressing so much that is so dear and personal to you. Thank you.

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  37. You seriously amaze me!!! I can't wait til you write a book and I will read it! It will be published and be awesome!

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