::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

12.18.2012

My Heart

This post is hard to do.  It may be my last one until after Christmas but who knows.  In 2 days we are flying to sunny Florida to escape being anywhere near last year.  My Sister Jen was so nice and gave us a week of her timeshare.  The Newport beach house was also donated to us by some one anonymous (thank you!).  I feel like we have been living the lives of the rich and famous with all this traveling and it's very much needed and we are oh so grateful.  We normally can't afford all of this fancy shmancy-ness.

I've made it my goal to start writing a book.  I'm just gonna start.  I'm going to try and start in Florida and if that doesn't work out I've set a goal to begin writing for at least an hour a day in January.  I'm a little scared that it won't go anywhere but in the same breath I'm a little scared that it would/could.  I don't have a degree and I'm not doing it because I think I will become rich and famous & buy a mansion on a hill and travel to more fancy shmancy locations (more like a single level home because having to go downstairs to do laundry sucks).  I'm doing it because I have a great story.  I've held back a lot believe it or not.  So, if you've read my entire blog and you think you know my story you just wait!  Yes, it will probably be one of the saddest books and if it does get published (or whatever cause I don't even know) the book store will have to create a new section called the 'Sad & will make you cry' section.  But for every tear you cry or have cried reading my posts, you can bet I can match those tears 10 fold.  I cry...bawl actually when I write.  I open up from a special place that was hiding in a chamber that had a special lock on it deep inside my soul.  The lock broke open on the very moment of impact.   But I enjoy exploring my new chamber with hidden passages and secret hallways because I'm always searching for him.  I want to pour my heart out, type it all down, lay it all out there.  My kids and my grandkids can pick up my heart and know that they can carry it around, take it with them wherever they go.  So maybe somebody, someday can read it and somehow in someway it will help them.  Oh and btw, there will be some very funny parts too.  I'm getting my funny back little by little.

Santa came early and Finn was so surprised!  It felt fantastic to finally watch him open some Christmas presents.  It felt like a second chance and I felt like a legitimate Mother, watching her child opening presents, drinking in his expressions, and enjoying the magic.  A few days ago, I went in the room where Colum's presents are still waiting.  I can only remember what 2 out of the 3 are.  At first I only could recall what one of them were (Buzz), but the memory of the other one came flooding back to me and I began to sob.  It's a tiny Toy Story pillow, it was going to be his first pillow ever.  While wrapping it Ryan and I both predicted that immediately after opening it, he'd place the side of his cheek like he was resting his head, sitting up, pillow in his hands.  He loved soft and cuddly things.  I was so excited to see if we were right.  I knew we'd be right.  I knew him.  I know him.  I never got to see him lay his head down on his new pillow while looking up at me with a big, thankful grin.  

Tucked behind some old glass jars (I've got a thing for antique glass) there was a small present wrapped with red wrapping paper and one of those plastic candy canes filled with skittles.  I unwrapped it just a tiny bit to see that it was a Spiderman watch that had been meant for Finn.  It was a beautiful moment.  A little tiny piece of last years Christmas, the one we were so excited for, was ironically missed.  We would get to watch Finn open this little watch from last year and he hasn't taken it off since.  

I still don't know what will ever become of Colum's unwrapped gifts.  I can't bring myself to touch them.  I've thought about donating them, I wish I could, but I just can't.  I've been able to brave putting away all of his jammies, sheets, bottles, & sippees.  His socks are still mixed in the same basket with Finn's.  Every now and then I pick up a tiny pair & it takes my breath away.  But those presents hold a spell over me.  What they represent.  What was ripped from my arms.  Those are his presents.  His head & only his was meant for that pillow.  We were finally going to learn whom he preferred; Buzz or Woody for Grandma Pack was giving him Woody.   Those presents are evidence that we used to feel whole.  We wrapped them when we were happy, we had everything, new traditions for our very own family were just on the horizon.  We were going to make important memories, favorite happy memories.  


We.were.so.close.

We've gotten so much love lately, I've hardly had the chance to be sad.  First, somebody I've never met brought us the 12 days of Christmas.  We've been blown away daily and Finn has been in pure heaven (Thanks Melissa).  Second, a kind and very thoughtful friend nominated us for Secret Santa at a local radio station and we were chosen.  They wanted to catch us before Ryan left for work and so my phone rang at 6am!  I didn't answer until they called back the 2nd time and was in complete and udder shock.  We got totally spoiled! (thanks Angela) Third, my friend Ashleigh brought us a cocomotion, hot chocolate mix, and the cutest winter leggings ever!  And finally, I keep opening my door and finding little random gifts or treats, random notes with money coming in the mail... the list goes on.  


Thank you all for thinking of us this year, not forgetting our broken hearts.  But most of all thank you for not forgetting Colum.  Please say his name, I hate not hearing his name, nobody has that name!  I miss him!  Just 7 more days until Christmas.  7 more days until another child received a new heart, and not just any heart...Colum's heart.  I love him, I love his heart, and I love that it helped out somebody else's child on Christmas Day.

God Bless!

I will hopefully post pictures next time.  Sorry, I've got a bad cold and need to pack.  xoxo


43 comments:

  1. Florida will be so much fun! I have something for you...I need to bring it before you leave. I love the name Colum. I had never heard it before. I'm happy Finn had a fun Christmas. Can't wait to start Karve with you!!!

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  2. Kelly you and Ryan and Finn have a great trip ! We are connected in so many ways Florida is where rib city & I are from so don't be surprised if you can get a kickin chicken sandwich on your sunny Florida vacation I also think of Culom Dailey ! Whenever we serve that sandwich that he has made famous in utah! Hugs

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  3. I would love to read your book! Even though I'm brought to tears each post, your writing is so beautiful. Enjoy Florida. I'll be sure to say a special Christmas prayer for your Colum

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  4. I'd read your book for sure~
    try and enjoy your trip as much as you can...anniversary dates are so tough...and you know all too well that life will never be the same.
    Thinking of you guys!

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  5. I hope you can and will find the strength to write your book, because I will read it. And then I will buy copies as gifts for all of my family and friends to read it. Because I think about Colum and your family often, even though I have never met you. In fact, me and my friend were texting about your little Colum last week, something we were talking about reminded us of his story, your story.
    Also, I think the cover of your book should be a picture/painting/drawing of his 3 wrapped presents...
    I hope your Christmas vacation is wonderful and full of peace.

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  6. I'm so happy you guys get are going away for the holidays! You deserve all the vacations you can get!!
    I remember at dinner when you said you wanted to write a book and I'm so excited you're going to go for it! You are extremely talented and your story, as heartbreaking, as it gets, is an important one and no doubt will help others.
    Colum is forever in my thoughts & heart. I will continue to help however I can. I love your family!!
    Happy Holidays! Enjoy that sun and your boys :-)

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  7. I'm so excited that you're going to write a book! I will be line waiting to buy a copy...or two....or three! You're a wonderful writer hun!I will have a box of tissue next to me as I read. Those special gifts that you have for Colum I think that you need to keep and hold on to. It's wonderful that you all get to go on vacation this time of year and enjoy warm Florida! Have a great time and make fun memories!

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  8. I am glad Finn got to experience a Christmas with all the excitement and wonder it brings! He is the sweetest little boy; he just melts my heart! I hope Christmas Day and your birthday find you on a warm beach with the sun and Colum's love shining down on you. Enjoy your family this week. As for Colum's presents, keep them forever. They were his gifts from you and you should keep them. They will always be his and one day you can give them to him. I think of him everyday and he reminds me to cherish every moment, even the hard ones. To step away from the computer or the chores and soak in the what matters most. Thank you for sharing him with us and your story. Can't wait to read your book. Love you Kelly!

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  9. Please write the book--you are so talented and you have so much to say. Even though I don't know you personally, I will be thinking of you this Christmas and saying Column's name in prayer. He will be watching over you all while you are in Florida. He wants his family to be happy again. Hugs being sent to you from Michigan...

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  10. Kelly, your blog posts always make me cry so I can't imagine what your book will do to me. I love seeing pictures of your sweet baby Colum, I find a peace in his beautiful eyes that comforts me. I pray for your family always and I hope you have a wonderful trip. I think there is nothing wrong with just keeping his Christmas gifts forever, why would you need to feel like you need to get rid of them? They are his, and Colum is forever yours. You will see him again someday I promise, this is only a temporary departure..... HUGS!

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  11. YAY!!! I am so happy to hear you have decided to write a book!!!! Although I often shed a tear while reading your posts, I also chuckle at the funny parts. You have a unique writing style and it is such a joy to read your writing. Thank you for having the courage to share more of your story with the world!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family. I hope you all enjoy your wonderful, warm Florida vacation. I have been thinking of you this week and wondering how you were going to get through the holiday. I think being as far away as you can be will be expecially helpful. I will be thinking of you and your family on those tough days. --S

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  12. When the Tragedy in CT happened I thought of your family immediately. I love that all those children are being recognized across the world but I wish the same for your little Colum for his name and life to be shared so I am SO glad you are writing a book. I will buy and read, over and over again, and share! Hope you get a little bit of happiness in Florida!

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  13. Kelly, So happy your family is going to Florida I think that is a great idea to get away from all the sad memories here.Hope your all able to have fun,feel some peace and most of all feel Colum near.I will be thinking of your family this holiday and you will all be in my prayers.Sending Love:) Charlene

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  14. I think writing a book is a great idea. It will be a place where you can write all the good, the bad, and the ugly for us to read and be amazed all over again. You lived through what I can only imagine was hell and back. I think there will plenty of people who will learn from your experiences....I've already learned how deeply we as mothers and grandmothers can love. Our love goes so very very deep, right down to our very souls. I hope you have a wonderful relaxing memorable vacation. I know you won't ever forget your Colum but my wish for you is that Christmas will be a day of rememberance, thinking good things about your Colum, a day filled with joy, love, hope, and a day to forge new memories, good, wonderful happy memories with your Finn and your husband. I can't imagine at all what it must be like to live the year you lived. But you made it through and you have a lot more living and loving to do, places to go, people to meet, things to learn, and lots more memories to create. I admire and appreciate your words. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

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  15. Kelly, I dream for you that one day you will press your ear against the chest of the baby who received Colum's heart...what a beautiful sound that will be. He was such an amazing, beautiful child, and I think about him often & always will. When I go to heaven one day, I will look for him. It's been so devastating watching the coverage of the Sandy Hook shooting and seeing all those innocent babies. It's made me think of Colum a lot because he was an innocent baby too. It's not fair. But hearing about those kids, and how loving they were (some w/ younger siblings) I can just see them up there in heaven giving hugs & kisses to your Colum. And I can see his big, beautiful smile. Definitely write your book!! I'll buy it the day it comes out. Love & prayers to you, Kelly. I will think of you and your family and your precious son on Christmas Day. I'll never forget your sweet boy.

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  16. Oh my heart broke a little reading this but was happy at the same time!! Please please write a book. You are an amazing writer and I'm sure people would line up for miles to read your story! You have a talent and I'm excited to see what happens!! As far as sweet Colums gifts... Keep em! At least til you're good and ready to part with such a precious part of you. It represents a happier time like you said. Hold onto it for a while longer! I'm so happy that you're going to have some relaxation and fun!! Enjoy yourselves!!!

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  17. I have nothing to add, beyond....I think of Colum all the time, and my own Christmas will always be a touch bittersweet as I am reminded of an angel boy who wasn't able to open his presents. I try extra hard, almost everyday, for Colum. (Best.name.ever.)

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  18. I love reading your blog. I love how you express yourself. You have such an adorable family. I smile and cry when I look at Colum's pictures. Something about his face reminds me so much of my son when he was little. I can't even imagine your pain. Your story needs to he told! So happy to hear you will be in Florida this Christmas. Enjoy! You are in the hearts and prayers of many.

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  19. I'm so glad your family gets to "get away" you all deserve it. I'm also sure that your sweet little Colum is looking down on you with a smile and glad that you are making the best of Christmas for yourselves and his big brother. Truly hope you find peace and warmth this holiday season!
    P.S. I would totally buy your book.

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  20. I hope you have a great trip. I have been thinking of your family daily for the last month when my youngest started walking around with his bottle hanging from his mouth and remembering how you mentioned that Colum did the same thing. My Owen is 18 months old right now, and so I think of your family and how awful it would feel if he were just taken from us so unexpectedly and the way his big brother Finn would miss him. I put up our Christmas tree this year thinking of you and your family and how unfair it is that such a fun season is painful for you now. I think of you all daily. I wish I could just give you all hugs. Have fun in Florida and good luck on starting the book!

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  21. I hope you guys have an amazing Christmas in Florida! I've often thought you should write a book and am so happy to hear that you are. Merry Christmas!

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  22. I hope the sunshine and the beaches do you as much good as those in CA. As I've said before, I think of you guys every day. And I think of Colum every day. I'll be sure to say his name out loud when I do. After all, he is Norah's guardian angel. I'm so glad you're starting your book, I definitely need to do the same. I am sure you guys have been to dark places that few can ever imagine. I can't wait to read your book so I can cry some more with you. Love you!!

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  23. I have been thinking of you guys a lot. The first anniversary is not easy. I'm glad to hear you are getting away. Please know you are in our prayers.

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  24. In case I get too busy over Christmas, I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you over this difficult time and holiday. You are amazing!!! Wishing you the best possible Christmas under the circumstances.

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  25. Your cute family has been on my mind constantly, I read your blog check in here and there ok truth - I stalk your blog to check on you. From the bottom of my heart I am so truly sorry for your loss. I was at Tai Pan the other day and had to go to Jordan Landing, I couldn't bear to drive down the road past the scene of the accident. On that Christmas Eve in 2011, we were getting off the freeway at 90th South going East to Jordan Commons to see a movie. As I drove (which I normally don't do) an ambulance came RUSHING past us, they were going 50 miles an hour at least. I turned to my husband and said "Something really bad has happened." Through out the movie, I kept thinking, I hope everything is ok, it is Christmas Eve after all. It was a few days later that we learned it was your young family that the ambulance rushed by us to save. I am so sorry!! I hug my kids tighter, rustle their hair and kiss their heads when I think of Mom's who are missing their little ones. You, Ryan, Finn and Colum are always in my prayers!

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  26. Thinking of you today Kelly, and your sweet family. I wish you had your precious Colum with you today. I hope you find a little tiny bit of peace and joy today somehow. *Hug*

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  27. You are a wonderful writer--your voice comes through so clearly. Good luck with the writing, you can do it! I will buy that book.

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  28. You have been weighing heavy on my mind today. Glad to see you are away somewhere and hopefully having a few moments of happiness amidst this first year anniversary. By the way, anniversary seems like such a horrible word, I hope you understand what I mean though. Wishing you and yours the very merriest Christmas of all, God Bless your little boy in heaven, I know he is smiling down on big brother tonight!

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  29. been thinking about you all day. sending lots of love and prayers your way. - Melissa

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  30. Thinking of you and your sweet Dove today. Wishing you peace and comfort on this day.

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  31. Thinking of you and your family today and hoping you are feeling surrounded by love. Gail

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  32. I have been thinking about you and your family, praying comfort and warmth surround you and keep you.

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  33. I have been thinking of you and your family these past two days! I wish you the best and hope you enjoy being in Florida!

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  34. You are beautiful! Merry Christmas. I have thought about you so much over the past two days. I know it has to be hard. Hopefully Florida is beautiful. Lots of love coming from Southern Utah!
    Pam

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  35. Kelly I'm thinking of you and your family today. Thinking especially of Colum. What a sweet boy! I hope your family is enjoying Florida. Know that so many people are keeping your family in mind today! We love you.

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  36. Kelly, I've been thinking of you and your family all week. Your loss of precious Column still makes me cry. I have been reading your words for a year now and you've helped me to remember that these moments may be our last and to always, always just love. Your strength and honesty have been so admirable and I just want you to know that Column will live on in our family as remember to cherish our loved ones. I hope you were able to find joy and peace today. Lots of hugs.

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  37. Yes Kel, please write a book. I agree that they will need to start a new section or put a huge disclaimer in the books packaging, or maybe the purchase of the book should also include some shares in Kleenex stock :). Your story and your openness to share on your blog has forever changed many. I for one am included in that group. I think of you guys daily and you continue to be in our nightly prayers. Our family speaks of Colum all if the time, I am convinced McKinley feels almost as if they had been great friends for a long time. I know the holidays will never be the same but please know you have so many people praying for and pulling for you all. Working with you guys was the best thing I have ever done. I can remember nearly every PT session we had. I am so impressed and proud of how far your and Ryan have come. Remember when just elevating the head of the bed was an enormous task, you are walking and are able to play with Finn, that is beyond amazing. Love ya all.

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  38. We love love love you

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  39. I want you to know even though I dont know you personally, i was thinking about you and your sweet family Christmas eve and Christmas Day. We drove passed the accident last year, and while going the same route this year my self my husband our 5 beautiful kids prayed while driving past that median for your sweet boy to be able to comfort your family this Christmas. I hope your day was bearable, as im sure no matter how far away you may have been it would still be just as hard. Thinking of you always.....

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  40. This entire past week as Christmas got closer there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think of you and all you have gone through. I want you to know that you inspire me. I love to hear your words and think you would be fantastic at writing a book. And...it would be funny not just sad. I can feel your sense of humor in your character.
    Your sweet Colum was close by and I hope you felt some comfort from him.
    Thinkin of you and hoping this coming year will be wonderful for your family. You deserve it!

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  41. I agree you should write a book I would love to buy it!!.. I read a poem today that made me think of you. I hope i don't offend you by posting it....I thought of you today,but that is nothing new, I thought about you yesterday and the days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name,all we have are memories and your picture in a frame, Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms, while I'll forever have you in my heart... Happy Holiday's Pack Family!!! your forever in our hearts!!!

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