I've made it my goal to start writing a book. I'm just gonna start. I'm going to try and start in Florida and if that doesn't work out I've set a goal to begin writing for at least an hour a day in January. I'm a little scared that it won't go anywhere but in the same breath I'm a little scared that it would/could. I don't have a degree and I'm not doing it because I think I will become rich and famous & buy a mansion on a hill and travel to more fancy shmancy locations (more like a single level home because having to go downstairs to do laundry sucks). I'm doing it because I have a great story. I've held back a lot believe it or not. So, if you've read my entire blog and you think you know my story you just wait! Yes, it will probably be one of the saddest books and if it does get published (or whatever cause I don't even know) the book store will have to create a new section called the 'Sad & will make you cry' section. But for every tear you cry or have cried reading my posts, you can bet I can match those tears 10 fold. I cry...bawl actually when I write. I open up from a special place that was hiding in a chamber that had a special lock on it deep inside my soul. The lock broke open on the very moment of impact. But I enjoy exploring my new chamber with hidden passages and secret hallways because I'm always searching for him. I want to pour my heart out, type it all down, lay it all out there. My kids and my grandkids can pick up my heart and know that they can carry it around, take it with them wherever they go. So maybe somebody, someday can read it and somehow in someway it will help them. Oh and btw, there will be some very funny parts too. I'm getting my funny back little by little.
Santa came early and Finn was so surprised! It felt fantastic to finally watch him open some Christmas presents. It felt like a second chance and I felt like a legitimate Mother, watching her child opening presents, drinking in his expressions, and enjoying the magic. A few days ago, I went in the room where Colum's presents are still waiting. I can only remember what 2 out of the 3 are. At first I only could recall what one of them were (Buzz), but the memory of the other one came flooding back to me and I began to sob. It's a tiny Toy Story pillow, it was going to be his first pillow ever. While wrapping it Ryan and I both predicted that immediately after opening it, he'd place the side of his cheek like he was resting his head, sitting up, pillow in his hands. He loved soft and cuddly things. I was so excited to see if we were right. I knew we'd be right. I knew him. I know him. I never got to see him lay his head down on his new pillow while looking up at me with a big, thankful grin.
Tucked behind some old glass jars (I've got a thing for antique glass) there was a small present wrapped with red wrapping paper and one of those plastic candy canes filled with skittles. I unwrapped it just a tiny bit to see that it was a Spiderman watch that had been meant for Finn. It was a beautiful moment. A little tiny piece of last years Christmas, the one we were so excited for, was ironically missed. We would get to watch Finn open this little watch from last year and he hasn't taken it off since.
I still don't know what will ever become of Colum's unwrapped gifts. I can't bring myself to touch them. I've thought about donating them, I wish I could, but I just can't. I've been able to brave putting away all of his jammies, sheets, bottles, & sippees. His socks are still mixed in the same basket with Finn's. Every now and then I pick up a tiny pair & it takes my breath away. But those presents hold a spell over me. What they represent. What was ripped from my arms. Those are his presents. His head & only his was meant for that pillow. We were finally going to learn whom he preferred; Buzz or Woody for Grandma Pack was giving him Woody. Those presents are evidence that we used to feel whole. We wrapped them when we were happy, we had everything, new traditions for our very own family were just on the horizon. We were going to make important memories, favorite happy memories.
We've gotten so much love lately, I've hardly had the chance to be sad. First, somebody I've never met brought us the 12 days of Christmas. We've been blown away daily and Finn has been in pure heaven (Thanks Melissa). Second, a kind and very thoughtful friend nominated us for Secret Santa at a local radio station and we were chosen. They wanted to catch us before Ryan left for work and so my phone rang at 6am! I didn't answer until they called back the 2nd time and was in complete and udder shock. We got totally spoiled! (thanks Angela) Third, my friend Ashleigh brought us a cocomotion, hot chocolate mix, and the cutest winter leggings ever! And finally, I keep opening my door and finding little random gifts or treats, random notes with money coming in the mail... the list goes on.
Thank you all for thinking of us this year, not forgetting our broken hearts. But most of all thank you for not forgetting Colum. Please say his name, I hate not hearing his name, nobody has that name! I miss him! Just 7 more days until Christmas. 7 more days until another child received a new heart, and not just any heart...Colum's heart. I love him, I love his heart, and I love that it helped out somebody else's child on Christmas Day.
I will hopefully post pictures next time. Sorry, I've got a bad cold and need to pack. xoxo